by Rita Hestand
"Maybe, but he could have gone to town earlier, then couldn't he, then gone to see Dickens."
Kate scoffed at that.
"We'll have a time keeping Dickens off his feet. He isn't a man to lay around." Annie snickered.
"That's true." Kate smiled.
"Someone needs to let the undertaker know about Bubba." Annie got to thinking.
"Wes told me he took care of that at the docs." Kate smiled.
"Poor Bubba."
"Did you know him well, or something?" Kate asked curiously.
Annie poured them some coffee and offered Kate some fresh apple pie. "Of him. Bubba was a loner here in town. He came here ten years ago. No one would have much to do with him as he was kinda slow and some said touched in the head. But that didn't stop Dickens. No sir, Dickens asked Bubba if he needed a job and Bubba was anxious to work. So Dickens hired him. They were best of friends after that. People began to get used to Bubba and realized he was gentle as a lamb. And because he was so eager to work, he gained the respect of most folks around here."
Annie seemed to reflect on that. "That Dickens, he has a soft heart for people. Always helping the more unfortunate. And he's not a wealthy man, well, I don't think he is at least."
"Yes, I wondered why he wanted all my corn, then he told us about the people near the river who were starving, said they'd be glad to get it. I was amazed at how generous he was. I don't think I ever met anyone like him before."
"He's a fine man. Just sorry he lost his friend. He'll miss him."
Kate nodded. "I hope they get that cat before anyone else is hurt. My husband is fond of Dickens too. I saw the look on his face when Wes was telling him about it. They'll get that cat, I'm sure of it."
"Wes went after him once already. Said he'd have had him, but a skunk got between them and that was the end of that hunt."
Annie laughed, "A skunk?"
"Yes, Wes said the cat ran but he just stood there very still for about an hour until the skunk became disinterested in him."
"My, oh, my." Annie laughed.
The women worked on a quilt for a while, then Annie and Kate fixed supper. Kate went in to see if Dickens was awake, but he was still out of it. She leaned over him and kissed him on the forehead and whispered, "I'm mighty glad you are safe now."
When she went back in the other room, she looked at Annie. "You know, if I'm going to be staying here, I might have a problem. I didn't bring any more clothes."
"Not to worry, I've got some that I used to wear a while back." Annie told her.
"Oh, that would be great."
"And you can wash your underthings out at night and hang them to dry by the fire, since the men are gone."
"Great, I appreciate it. I'd go home, and get my things, but we don't know where the cat is for sure."
"Nonsense, you can use my things."
"Do you think the men will be gone long?"
"Catching a cat isn't easy, hon. They are fast on their feet, and sneaky too. And with half the town going out after him, he's liable to be traveling a lot. Yes, it will take some time, so don't get too anxious." Annie warned.
"I'm glad I'm here, I wouldn’t want to be home alone."
"I feel the same. Cats are something to be afraid of."
Chapter Eleven
Half the town heard about Bubba being killed by the cat and Mr. Dickens hurt so bad. Lots of men came from all around to help find and kill the cat. Anytime a cat like that started killing, everyone knew the cat had to be put down. And men would gather for miles around to get rid of it. It meant protecting their stock and their very lives.
Kate and Annie watched wagonloads of men going out after the cat and several of the women from town came out to check on Dickens.
Poor old Mrs. Johnson, a spry ninety-year-old woman came out and checked on him. "My, he's gonna be upset about Bubba."
Annie smiled, "Would you like some tea, dear?"
"That would be lovely."
"I've got a fresh pie made too, why don't we cut into that too."
"Sounds wonderful." Mrs. Johnson went into the room where Dickens was and peaked in on him. After a short while she came to join Kate and Annie at the table.
"Doc must have given him a big dose of laudanum, he's sound asleep."
"Probably best he sleep, or he'd break open the wounds moving around in there."
"How long has he been out of it?"
"Three days, off and on. I didn't realize he knew about Bubba, but he said he died in his arms. The doc's been by and told us to give him laudanum when he wakes so he'll rest better and stay still. But I saw tears in his eyes when he talked about his friend." Kate told her.
"Probably a good thing he's sleeping. Man like that can't be still. And it's awfully hard to lose a friend." Mrs. Johnson told them. "And Henry at the hotel said they got three of his best hogs. He really cared for Bubba. But then Dickens cares for a lot of people."
"Yes, he was the first one to help me and my husband when we moved here."
"Sounds like him, sure does. I never met your husband, but then I never get to town. Is he on the hunt too?"
"Heavens no, Mrs. Johnson, the cat killed her husband weeks ago." Mrs. Tate explained.
"Oh, I'm so sorry dear, I didn't realize. Joe Willard was killed by that cat not more than three days ago. He lived alone, had a small farm out west of here. Knew that boy all his life." Mrs. Johnson shook her head.
After most of the company went home, Kate looked at Annie. "I didn't know so many people knew and liked Dickens."
Annie snickered. "Well, at first everyone took him for a no-account pig farmer. But Dickens is so much more than that. When most of them found out he was one of the biggest contributors to the church, they started rethinking him. Mr. Dickens is a pig farmer, but he's one of the best around. He keeps those pig's cleaner than some keep their children." Annie chuckled. "He's helped so many in the community, they can no longer ignore the man."
"Yeah, he's always busy when I go out to see him, but he's also always got time for some coffee." Kate chuckled.
They all sat and talked for a long time, then Mrs. Johnson told them she had to get back before dark.
"Thanks for coming, we'll tell him you came by."
"Please do, I'll come back again later in the week to see how he's doing. Is there anything I can do in the meantime?"
"No, just coming by is enough." Annie told her. "It is so good to see you."
"Thanks, I'll be back." She grinned and left.
Leaving Kate and Annie alone, they sat at the kitchen table for a while. Annie got out some pinto beans and they picked through them as they talked putting them in one big bowl.
"Annie, can I talk to you about something?" Kate murmured.
"Sure, what is it hon?" Annie sat down after pouring them more coffee.
Kate tried to grab her emotions from running away with her. For a minute she laid the beans down and crossed her arms over her chest as a cloud of frustration crossed her face.
"I haven't grieved for my husband Annie," she looked up at the woman to see whether she might be judging her. What she saw was a woman with no condemnation, "and I know I should."
"Well hon, sometimes people react differently."
Kate picked up a handful of beans and inspected them, finding it easier to talk without looking directly at her. "You see, at first, I'll admit I was in shock, but that's worn off and I still can't grieve. I feel guilty about it." Kate admitted. "There's just nothing inside me."
Annie stared into her eyes for a moment. "You didn't get along with him either, did you?"
"Either?" she questioned her head rearing to glance at her.
"He was a difficult man to like, Kate. You must know that."
Kate's face reddened. "Now that I've thought on it, a while, I think I didn't love him. Am I shameful for saying such a thing?"
Annie moved restlessly in her chair. "Your husband was a bit hard to get to know."
"Yes, but I thoug
ht I knew him pretty well when I married him. I'd known him quite a while."
"I see." Annie weighed her words. "Well, go on."
"But I didn't know him, Annie. I know that now. I feel bad that I can't grieve for him." Kate admitted. "I'm not a bad person, but I should have cared more for him. After all, for five years he came to see about me."
"Well girl, that's the way some marriages are, I think."
"But it isn't right. I should never have married him." Kate shook her head.
Annie sat back in the chair and looked at her, shaking her head. "I don't know girl. Perhaps it is good you did."
"What do you mean?" Kate's head jerked up and she stared at Annie now.
"Did you learn anything from this marriage?"
Kate continued to stare, "I suppose I did. But what I learned was that I never loved him."
"Did he love you?"
"I don't think so."
"I can understand why you married him, but why did he marry you then? I mean, knowing you that long and then finally marrying you." Annie asked. "Did he want children or something?"
"We never talked about children." Kate was silent for a moment, as though thinking about her question. "He wanted to get away from his folks farm. He had worked it so long, and it was beautiful too. One of the reasons I admired him so. He was such a worker. But I sensed he wanted to strike out on his own. He never got a dime out of that land. And he's the one that worked it. His brothers and father didn't help him much. He was the one that made that farm what it was, and they all knew it. But it's funny, we weren't here long and suddenly he seemed bitter that he was with me and not back home on his farm. He wanted to get away from them all, and yet, he didn't."
"I see. But why did he marry you? Wasn't he a bit older than you?"
Kate hung her head, "Yes, he was ten years older than me. I've come to some conclusions about that too." She said as a fog seemed to lift the confusion of her emotions. "They didn't want him to marry and move away. I was a threat and didn't realize it. By marrying me, it gave him an excuse to leave his family farm and strike out on his own. It was an escape for him. And yet I'm not sure he really wanted that escape. He missed working his family's place, he missed his family. But he wasn't dumb, he knew they used him like a mule. I couldn't blame him."
"And why on earth didn't they like you?" Annie asked.
"Because he'd built such a beautiful place, they thought themselves better. I took him away from the farm, not intentionally. I didn't want to move away. He did. When he wasn't there, the others had to work harder, and they didn't like that. They depended on him so much."
"And did you depend on him too?"
"Yes!" Kate admitted with tears in her eyes. Her cheeks flushed, as her mind reeled with memories. "After my folks died, he was practically the only one that came around me. I come to depend on that."
"Then that's why you don't mourn him. You didn't marry for the right reasons."
"Can it be as simple as that?" Kate asked.
"Obviously."
"Maybe you're right." Kate lifted her head and nodded.
"When you marry, it should be for one reason."
"And what is that?"
"Love." Annie looked at her strangely as though she should have known that. "A marriage without love, is not a marriage at all my dear. Marriage is sometimes very hard to cope with even with the best intentions and the best people. There are so many ups and downs in a marriage, without love, there can be no true happiness."
"How do you know when you are truly in love? I mean, I guess it hasn't happened. But how do you really know."
Annie smiled now and reached for her hand. "Oh, it's pretty easy. You miss them when they are gone. You swoon when they kiss you. You'll listen gladly to their rantings because you want to share everything. It's a deep-down kind of thing, you want to be with them all the time. You want them to kiss you all the time. You want to make love. You have all these bodily feelings inside you."
"I had a lot of hopes and dreams. But Annie, you don't understand."
"Then tell me about it. I'm a woman, and I'd like to help you sort this out."
"I was happy to marry him. I began to think my life would change for the better, being with Jim. He was a good farmer. That is until we married. But on our wedding night, Jim took me, rather harshly. And I never let him touch me again. And all my hopes and dreams went out the window about marriage."
Annie frowned, "Took you? That's a mighty strong word Kate."
Kate's face burned now with embarrassment. "He just jumped on me, tore my clothes off and took me. He didn't kiss me or make me want him. And he hurt me so bad, I swore I'd never let another man touch me. I know I was rather naïve. I didn't know much about making love. I'll admit that. But I never expected him to treat me so. When I tried to fight him off, he slapped me, then he took me as brutally as you can imagine."
Annie was quiet a long time. Kate could see her thinking of what she'd just said. Perhaps she said too much.
"He scared me!" Kate cried.
"I don't know what to say." Annie shook her head. "I've heard about such, but I just wasn't expecting something like this. I could tell there was strain between you the few times I saw you together, but I had no idea that was the problem." Annie shook her head and reached for her hand. "Some husbands are rougher than others. Did he do anything to encourage you to make love?"
"Like what?"
"Give you flowers, hold your hand, kiss you on the cheek, anything to prepare you"
"No, he was drunk, and I didn't want to do it with him like that. I'd never seen him drunk. That scared me too."
Annie's mouth flew open, "Did he apologize the next day?"
"No, he said he wouldn't be touching me again. And he didn't. He said I didn't know anything about sex or making love and he didn't want me. And I didn't want him either. So you see, that's why he went to the saloons to get what he wanted. I was glad, as I didn't want him to touch me like that again. He'd always had saloon girls and I guess they are different somehow. But when he ripped my clothes and threw me on the bed, and held me there, I felt attacked. Am I wrong? Was it me? I admit being naïve about it, but I just expected so much more."
Annie was silent, her finger running over the top of her cup for a moment. When she was silent too long Kate cried and reached for her hand.
"I need to know. Was it me Annie? Did I do wrong by shutting him out? I need to know the truth. I bled for three days and I was so sore I could hardly walk. I don't even know if that's normal. And I was too ashamed to go see a doctor about it. I thought it would be different. Now that I look back on it, I can't help but wonder if it was all my fault? Maybe it was just because I didn't know what to expect. And he scared me."
Annie sighed heavily and shook her head. "No darlin' it's not all your fault. You were naïve, obviously, and innocent and terrified at his actions. I'm just sorry you didn't have anyone to come talk to then. Your only fault was marrying him. When a man and a woman come together, it should be beautiful. Making love is the most beautiful gift between a man and a woman. They should want each other equally as much. The man should, if the wife is an innocent, be gentle and caring. It should be a very pleasant thing, not ugly. But obviously he didn't love you either."
"After that night, I was sure he didn't love me." Kate said quietly now.
She sniffed back her tears. "It was my fault not knowing what to expect, and for expecting too much."
"Honey, a good marriage is based on mutual love, that's the key. If neither cares for the other, it isn't a marriage at all. And from what you've told me, he did rape you."
"I married him because I was so lonely, and he seemed to care about me."
After a long while Annie got up and put the cups on the counter. "Well, look at it this way, next time you'll know what to look for."
"And what is that?" Kate asked innocently.
Annie smiled gently at her.
"That special feeling between the two of you.
First you gotta look for a God-fearing man. Then watch how he treats you. Now don't go feeling because you don't agree on everything that it is all wrong. That can be deceiving. But your guts will tell you more than anything. Is he tender? Is he thoughtful? Does he make your heart hammer when he looks at you? Does he do things to please you, on purpose? Do you feel an excitement when he is around you? Look for those things. You should want to kiss and make love, even before you marry them."
"Do other people ever marry just out of need?" Kate asked.
"Yes, but sometimes those marriages don't work."
"How do I know when I'm in love?" Kate asked scoffing at her ignorance. "I mean for sure."
"Oh honey," Annie turned to look at her again. "You'll know."
"I feel so ignorant. I mean, I shouldn't have to ask others about this. But my mother died early on, and my father he wouldn’t talk of such things. When Jim watched over me, I thought it was because he liked me. I'd been so lonely all those years after my folks passed."
"And he probably did like you. Men do like women; doesn't mean they love them. Sure you should ask others. All young women need advice, and direction. No one is born knowing everything. Age and experience is all it takes. But you are still very young."
"Do you still feel those things for your husband?"
"Oh yes, yes I do." Annie chuckled.
"How long you been married?"
"Twenty years." Annie bragged happily.
"Twenty years? And you still feel giddy when he holds your hand?" Kate chuckled.
"Absolutely. I miss him right now."
"Must be wonderful." Kate sighed.
Funny, but she missed Wes too! And that kiss they shared was still in her mind and heart. But if she let herself love him, he'd leave her and then where would she be?
Chapter Twelve
Dickens improved, and the doc finally told him he could move around. So he joined the women in the kitchen. Annie would find little things he could help out with and Dickens did her small chores with glee.