“Please let me give you a ride.” He reaches for my arm, but I jerk it away. “Let me explain.”
“No! You don’t want to talk to me right now, Liam.” I spin to face him, fury filling every part of my body to replace the humiliation washing through me. “Leave me the hell alone! I already had my heart broken once this summer. I really didn’t need for it to happen again!”
I start to run this time, jogging first and then faster.
“Jody!” He yells. “Jody, please!”
I don’t stop. Don’t slow. I’m not sure how far I’ll make it, but I have to get away.
Alex picks me up a few miles later. I’m incredibly lucky he was in town. We ride in silence. He glances at me a few times, but I don’t offer any information and he doesn’t say anything.
“Thanks for the ride,” I mumble as he pulls to a stop in the parking lot.
“No problem.” He pauses outside his car door, and opens his mouth like he’s going to say something else.
“Yes?” I ask.
“Will you be back next year?”
“I don’t know. I want to be, but I’ll be graduating if I decide to graduate, and then work and…” And all the things I’m not sure about.
“I’m asking because I won’t be here, and Kay-Kay might not either. I’d recommend you for my spot if you want it. They’ll take my rec. They already love you.”
“I really should be a teacher like you.” And I wonder what’s up with Kay-Kay? Better than thinking about my mess.
He grins. “You’d be fabulous, Jody. If it’s what you want to do.”
“It might be.” But I might need a little more time to figure it out. Or a lot. I apparently can’t make it through a summer without turning my life into a disaster.
Chapter Twenty-five
I hate that Liam’s all I can think about. I hate that there’s no explanation he can give me that’ll make me feel okay with how he lied, and the girlfriend. What a ridiculous cliché thing for me to be a part of. Replacing the old girlfriend with someone who looks just like her.
I haven’t known him long enough for this to tear at me the way it is. I wish so hard I didn’t look like her. I want him to want me.
I pick up my phone. “Mom.” For once she’s not the last person I want to talk to.
“I haven’t heard from you, and I saw that you hadn’t registered for classes yet.”
“It’s because I’m thinking of taking a year off and changing my major.” Best to get it all out now. Might as well piss off the world. And it’s so like her to log in to my student account to check up on me.
“What?” she sputters. “This is the first I’ve heard of this.”
“Because you don’t listen when I talk to you, Mom.”
Silence.
“Was there a purpose for your call?” I ask.
“With only a few days left in your camp, we all thought that us and Jeff’s parents and you two should get together for something informal. Maybe test the water for you both.”
My hand shakes I’m squeezing my phone so hard. “Mom. He’s a man who dumped me at the beginning of the summer, knowing he was going to try to get me back at the end of the summer so he could sleep around. Is that who you want your daughter to marry?”
There’s a choking sound on her end of the line. I’m not sure if she’s angry or shocked or not believing me.
“Look, Mom. I’m not mad at you.” Mostly. “I’m just… I think I need to take some time for me. And I also think that I don’t know what I want to do and that seems like a kind of crucial thing to decide before I finish a degree.”
“Well.” She sighs. “Whatever you think is best.”
Only I’m pretty sure she doesn’t mean it, but I’ll take it anyway. “Thanks, Mom.”
When I step outside there’s a cold Shirley temple on my small porch next to an envelope. I quickly scan the trees for any sign of Liam, but see nothing.
I pick up the drink and figure it’s as good a way as any to start my day. I drink it down as I stare at the letter.
The horn sounds as the sign to start one of the last days of camp. I stuff the envelope in my pocket to wait until I can actually concentrate.
We do canoe races and I join Kay-Kay in archery. She seems off again, which to me means that all’s not well with her and Alex. I hope she gets some sort of resolution there.
“What’s going on with you?” Sam nudges my hip with hers and I lean into her.
“A mess. A big freaking mess.”
“You too, huh?”
“You okay?” I ask suddenly worried.
“In some ways.” She nods a bit, cryptic as ever and wanders off toward the kitchen.
At this point I want the summer to be over so I can be somewhere else. But if I’m not going to go back to school, I’ll end up at home. Maybe I should register for classes.
The bell rings for lunch and instead of picking up food, I walk to the end of the dock with Liam’s note clutched in my hand.
Jody –
I can’t know how you feel right now, but I know you hurt, and I know it’s because of me, and that’s killing me. My attraction to you as someone who looks like her ended as soon as you ordered that drink. Because in that one instant you became Jody instead of someone who looked like Jenny.
I would love to be able to tell you that you look nothing alike. Sometimes I wish you didn’t. But you do. It doesn’t matter. Not to me. You know how when you start to know someone. Really know them. They don’t look like the person you first laid eyes on. They’re not the stranger anymore. They become a soul, a personality, an entity outside of how they talk or what they look like because they’re familiar. They’ve become a part of you.
I know I should have told you the whole truth the other night, but you have to know how completely responsible I feel for her death. She should have never left the flat. I should have made sure.
I wanted you to know that part of me, but I wasn’t ready to reveal the whole thing. I should have told you all or told you nothing. Not lied. I’m so sorry.
I’m still trying to decide whether I want to stay here or to go home for a while. I have enough cash saved up for a bit of a backpacking trip around Europe, so I might try that, too. I know I’m about to sound…very un-tough, but I miss you like crazy. Already. Maybe I’m hoping you’ll join me for some of my adventure this year. My chest aches. This is my honesty, and what I need to tell you.
You are someone I could fall for. That I want to fall for. That I am falling for. I don’t want that to be over.
Liam
I love and hate that he knows everything I needed to hear. I’m terrified to forgive. What if I’m wrong? What if he doesn’t know his own heart? What if I end up in another Jeff situation where it appears one way, but is actually another?
I stand and walk under the large pavilion filled with teenage girls. They’re starting to realize that camp won’t last forever and that they’re headed home soon. They have so much ahead of them. So much to learn. And I could be a part of that.
But not now. Not yet. I don’t know myself well enough to think I could teach anyone else. But a year off is exactly what I need. I just need to figure out where to spend it. And if I have the strength to talk to Liam before I go.
Chapter Twenty-six
“So, it’s official, huh?” Kay-Kay asks. “You’ll be in Alex’s job next year?”
“Yep.” I nod. “And I’m taking the year off school. I think my mom is about to have an aneurism, but I’m okay with this.”
“And you very sadly were not deflowered by the Irish guy.” Sam sighs.
I close my eyes. “It’s such a mess.”
“Well, I’m in a mess, too.” Kay-Kay grins. “But it’s a really good one to be in.”
“Yeah. Costa Rica with your man for a summer?” Sam shoves her. “Sounds pretty ideal to me.”
It should sound ideal to all of us.
I sigh. “I still keep seeing this other girl’s fa
ce, and I can’t get over it.”
“But it sounds like he’s over it.” Kay-Kay’s voice is soft.
“I just don’t know how I feel about the whole thing. If I can trust him.”
“Do you know how you’ll feel not talking to him again? Not knowing about him? Where he ends up… What you two could have had. That’s what pushed me forward,” Kay-Kay says.
My gut seizes up. “I don’t want to think about that. I really… I want him. But I want him without all the complication.”
Sam laughs. Then laughs harder. “Everyone comes with a clusterfuck, Jo. Everyone. But not everyone comes in a package that gets you, and is fucking perfect in every way but the one thing he explained away perfectly. Am I right in this?”
My heart starts speeding. “Yes.”
“I think we need to get you an Irishman.” Kay-Kay stands up, grabs my hand and pulls me to my feet.
“I’m a mess.” I look down.
“He’s seen you worse.” Sam rolls her eyes. “What we need is the perfect T-shirt.”
“I’ve got it!” Kay-Kay grins as she tugs on my white tee. “We’ll make one. Where’s that sharpie?”
I’m an insane mix of happiness, excitement, anticipation and dread. What if he’s given up on me? What if he’s gone home?
What if… What if a million other things that might go wrong?
But the worst what-if would be: what if he and I could have been something great and I let it slip away? I stomp on the gas, wishing my car wasn’t a gutless, earth-friendly machine.
Liam steps out of his cabin and freezes when he sees me. His eyes are wary and rimmed with dark circles.
“I…” I cough to find my voice, but I’m stronger than this. “I had to see you before I left.”
“Jody. I’ve missed you.”
I take a few steps toward him, putting us only a few feet apart. Close enough that I could reach out and touch him.
He glances down at my scribbled on T-shirt, and nerves start all over again. It suddenly feels juvenile and way too forward.
“I think you might be someone I could fall in love with, “ he reads.
“I was hoping you’d say that.” I try to smile to show I’m joking, but also that I’m not joking at all.
I step closer and rest my hands on his chest. His heart’s beating as hard as mine. He looks down, and instead of staring down or at his chest, I look in his eyes. “I’m taking the year off school. I want to figure out all the ways I’m strong, and…” I swallow twice before finding my voice again. “And I’d really like to do some of that with you.”
He rests his hands on my waist. “I think I need to re-phrase what your T-shirt says.”
“Oh.” Uncertainty creeps in until his hands tighten around my lower back, pulling us together.
“I think you might be someone I didn’t intend to fall for, but already have.”
“That’s better.”
“Definitely better,” he whispers as his lips brush against mine. “Does this mean you’ll be joining me this year?”
“For some of whatever you’re doing, or all of it, or whatever.” I take a small pinch of his shirt.
“I want to do it with you, too.” He smirks. “All of it.”
All of it. Everything. Mostly, everything we are right now is full of possibilities and maybes, and I love it.
“I’m so sorry, Jody. Anything you want to know, I’ll tell you.”
“We can save that for later. We have time.”
His smile splits his face. “That sounds perfect.”
“So. Kay-Kay and Sam gave me this box of condoms in an attempt to totally humiliate me, and I have a week before I’m due home for a few days, and it started to feel like a challenge. You know. To get to the bottom of the box.” I slide my hands around his waist, pulling our hips together. “I wondered if you’d want to help me with that.”
His rests his cheek on mine. “Where did all this bravery come from?”
“From realizing that I can enjoy each and every minute, or I can be afraid of what might happen. It seems like everything will be worth doing if I allow all the small moments to be a real part of me.”
“Very wise.” His lips brush mine as he speaks.
“This really hot guy taught me all of that. And one day he’s going to be a brilliant philosophy professor whose female students will swoon when he enters the room.”
“I’m yours, Jody. And I accept your challenge.” He lifts me up and throws me over his shoulder, both of us suddenly laughing.
“Now,” he asks. “Where’s that box?”
Sam
Chapter Twenty-seven
Another text. I know who it’s from before I check my phone. Which I shouldn’t do, but I do anyway.
Sam. I’m sorry. I’m not mad. But please let me know where you are. I just want to talk.
Guilt seizes me again. I have to stop checking my phone. Maybe changing my number would help.
As soon as that thought rolls through my head, I know I won’t. Because there’s a sick part of me that loves how Nate’s not giving up. This is why he needs to run as far from me as he can get.
I toss my bag on the floor of cabin nine, thankful I’m the first one here and can pick out my bed. Not that it’ll matter. All the cabins are stifling hot, and no one gets any privacy—well, except Alex.
There was no definite plan to come out here this year, but when Irene called me last minute to say their dance instructor bailed, I jumped at the chance to get out of town. Fast. Timing couldn’t have been more perfect.
So, it’s not that I’m thrilled to be teaching at camp for my second year. It’s that I’m thrilled to be anywhere but home. Any place that allows me to disappear for a while is a good thing.
The hoards of girls arrive in a few days, but Kay-Kay and Jody, my sanity in this mess, will be here tomorrow.
Tonight. The camp is mine.
I light up a cigarette and head out toward the docks. The smoke is as close to the city as I’m gong to get for a while. I won’t be gone for long enough, I’m sure. But maybe Nate’ll have given up on me by the time I go back.
If I go back.
There are too many fucking if’s in my life right now. I used to love that. It meant possibility, and that my future was wide open.
I suck in another drag. Even the gorgeousness of the unknown has been taken from me.
Why the hell did he have to do this? If he’d just have kept his mouth shut, we’d still be screwing around, and…
Fuck. I can’t think about this anymore. I toss my cigarette into the water.
“Those things will kill you, you know,” Alex says behind me.
So much for alone.
“Yeah. Well…” There’s nothing I could say to save myself from seeming too deep right now. I’m thinking too deeply, and there are no comebacks when your brain isn’t in that place.
He pauses for a moment longer, but I don’t want to talk to anyone right now, and don’t turn to face him. Polite chit-chat with someone I barely know is not why I showed up a day early. I’ll have to do that way too soon. Probably starting tomorrow with all of the welcome back to being happy camp counselors bullshit.
I hear Alex’s sigh and then his footsteps as he retreats. I stare at the lake a minute longer and breathe in. I’ll never get used to the loons. Even having been here before, the loons calling to each other still jars me, hits me in this weird way that sort of makes me want to cry.
I wipe the sweat off my brow, and realize a quick swim might be perfect. I strip down to my bra and panties, not really giving a shit who might be lingering around and jump in the water. I don’t really do lakes as the notion of minnows nipping at my girl parts freaks me out, but at this point, it’s the easiest way to get me out of my head.
My phone buzzes in another text as I come up for air, and guilt sears through me again. Maybe I will change my number.
Maybe.
I’m curled into Nate on my way too small twin bed.
My fingers trace the scars on his knuckles.
“What happened here?”
“I got in a fight.”
I lift my head and look into his beautiful eyes. “Really? I wouldn’t figure that to be your style.”
He shrugs. “It was in junior high. A long time ago. You won’t believe this but black eighth grade boys who dance instead of play football are apparently asking to get the crap beat out of them.”
“And you fought back?”
My fingers continue figure-eighting over his knuckles. Nate. In a fight. Weird.
“Not the first time, but after the third time, I had to. My dad actually told me to. Said I was never going to hear the end of it unless I showed them they couldn’t mess with me.”
“Wow. How come you didn’t play other sports? Was it just because of your family all being dancers?”
“Partly. But really, I’ve always loved it. I’d probably have found it even without them. They just made it easier for me to keep doing it. So yeah, it’s harder. I don’t always fit in with everyone, and I’m shy so I didn’t talk a lot in class. But I’ve never really needed a ton of friends, you know?”
I nod. “Yeah. I get that.”
“Sometimes it only takes is one awesome person and that’s really all you need.”
The lump in my throat is too big to swallow. His arms wrap around me tighter and the ache in my heart threatens to overwhelm me.
“Just one awesome person,” he repeats and smoothes my hair behind my ear.
Kay-Kay throws her arms around me the second she steps into the cabin, nearly suffocating me on my bed.
Jody appears in the doorway behind her and gives me a wave.
Kay-Kay immediately flops on the bed next to mine, putting our heads close together.
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