I was expecting a long lecture when he answered, so I’m already on edge.
“I’m surviving. No one’s danced their way into the hospital, so I must be doing something right.” I sit on the grass and watch the barefoot soccer tournament as far from the group as I can be and still see.
“And how are we feeling about Nate?” he asks.
“I don’t want to talk about Nate with you.” Why, oh why did I call?
“Here’s the thing.” He stops too abruptly, and I stiffen, knowing something’s up.
“What did you do?” The sinking, swimming feeling in my gut is about to take over.
“Do you trust me?”
“No!”
“No. Sam. Really. Think about this. Life or death or happiness. Do you trust me?” His voice is low.
I close my eyes for a moment, and know that he’s probably the only person in the world I do trust, even though I know he could screw me over at any moment.
“I think so. Yes.”
“I told Nate where you were.”
I stand, shaking. I want to scream a million obscenities at my brother, but instead I do worse. I hang up without a word.
How. How could he do this?
What will Nate do? Will he show up? Find another way to contact me?
Why do I care so much?
Fuck this. I can’t feel this. I’m putting all my extra effort into finding time for Travis. This shittiness has to end. Has to. I can’t keep feeling this way.
It took two days, and about three more drinks than I thought it would, but Travis and I are now half-naked in the back of the car he borrowed from the boys’ camp across the lake.
Our kissing is sloppy, but worth the distraction.
I probably should have had less to drink, but I’m determined that tonight is about forgetting—no matter what it takes.
Travis looks good with his shirt off. Not as good as some guys I know, but the summer’s been nice to him. Lean muscles, nice tan. Travis traces the outside edges of my bra and sits up.
“What are you doing?” I tease as I shove him back down and kiss him again.
He chuckles. “I should be getting back. The maintenance guy will kill me if his truck’s out too late.”
“Are you just trying to be a gentleman, and not push us too far?” I ask a bit incredulous that he’s putting the brakes on.
“Maybe a little.” He shrugs and reaches for his shirt.
“I appreciate you being all sweet, but I really just want to have sex.” I grab his hand before he can start pulling his tee over his head. Surely this should be the easiest thing.
“Uh…” Travis pauses and pulls slightly away.
“Please?” God I’m so damn pathetic. What the hell kind of guy says no to a half-naked girl in a car?
“Look, Sam, you’re a cool girl, and I definitely want to…you know, but there’s something else going on here, and I don’t think I want to be in the middle of it. I know you’re drunk, but still… You’re not acting like yourself.”
I grab his shoulders and pull him closer. “Nothing’s going on. I need something with no strings attached. I’m desperate for that, actually.”
His eyes float down my body again, and I move to unhook my bra.
He rests a hand on my arm. “You get whatever you need to get figured out first, then come find me.”
Travis crawls out from under me and slides his shirt on as he steps out of the car. “But I don’t think you will. Come find me, that is.”
“Where the fuck were all the nice guys when I was in high school?” I yell. “I’m here and ready to get laid!”
Shit. I snatch my shirt, slide on my flip-flops, and take off through the woods.
“Sam! Wait! I’ll give you a ride back!”
“Go fuck yourself since you obviously have zero interest in fucking me!” I can’t believe this.
All through high school all guys wanted was to get in my pants, and now that I’m looking for a no-strings attached hook up, I can’t find it. This is bullshit.
My phone buzzes, and I glance at the screen.
Nate.
I hurl the phone as far as I can into the trees.
And then stop.
Why the hell did I do that? The damn thing cost me two hundred dollars.
Shit.
“Nate. Call me again. Please, Please, call me…” I start in the direction I chucked my phone. Nothing.
“Sam.” Travis comes up behind me in the woods.
“Just…shit.” I don’t want to cry in front of Travis.
“Why are you out here?”
“I threw my phone.”
“I’ll call it, okay?” He slides out his cell and some Beyonce “do me” kind of song starts playing.
He cocks a brow.
“Bribery. I let the campers set my ring tones in exchange for them not giving me crap over using my phone.” I stomp through the trees until I see the blinking call light of my cell.
“You have a good arm.”
“Shut it.” Guilt over being here with Travis slams into me, which it shouldn’t. I should be fine. Nate can’t think we’re still together if I’m not taking his calls. God…is that what I really want? It’s suffocating to think that I won’t hang out with him anymore. That he won’t bring me coffee on the mornings I have to work early… That I might not dance with him anymore. “Get me back to camp. Okay?”
“Yeah. Okay.” Travis puts his arm over my shoulders, but I shrug him off.
“You don’t get to cuddle me unless you screw me first.”
Travis laughs. “Damn, Sam. You’re something else.”
Yeah. Something.
I’m the girl who gets sad when she can’t ignore a man’s phone calls because he isn’t calling as often as he used to. And then when he does call, risks losing a two hundred dollar phone. That’s definitely something.
It’s after midnight by the time we make it to the girls’ camp.
“Thanks. And sorry for being crazy.” I step out of the car.
“If you wanna get together again after you sort things out…”
I bark out a laugh without meaning to. “Sorry, Travis. But you don’t want to start anything with me. I picked you because I thought you’d be an easy lay.”
“Guess I wasn’t.”
“No.”
“I’m sorry for whatever you have going on.” He looks at me over his car for a moment before climbing in and driving away.
“Sam?” His voice comes out of the dark, but there’s no mistaking who it is. My insides pool up, and I can feel myself start to fall apart.
Do I run for him? Or run away?
“Why are you here?” I ask into the darkness as I turn to look for him. See him. My chest aches that he’s so close.
Nate walks into the edge of the yellow light surrounding the yard lamp I’m under. He’s everything in a faded polo shirt and worn jeans.
Everything.
I can’t afford for any one person to be my everything.
He’s so still, and just like a month ago, the way he looks at me makes me want to taste him, rub my hands over his dancer’s body, feel him against me, but instead I’m shaking.
My lips go numb, my chin’s quivering like it does when I’m trying not to cry, and my legs are weak. He catches me just before I crumple.
God, he smells the same.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sure you don’t want me here.”
“I don’t know what I want.” I’m pressed against him as he holds me up, and I finally find my legs, but don’t move away. Can’t move away. Wouldn’t want to.
His thumb touches the outside corner of my eye, and his eyes are filled with all the ways he’s gentle and good and perfect, which is a reminder of the many millions of reasons he shouldn’t be with me.
“Are you…with someone else? The man who dropped you off?”
I shake my head. “I’ve tried. Part of me wants to be because it means you’ll hate me. I just
…I don’t want to need anyone, Nate. I can’t do it.”
He holds me tighter and sits down in the middle of the small parking lot, pulling me onto his lap. “I don’t care if you don’t love me, Sam. Not right now. Not yet. And maybe I’m not supposed to tell you how I feel, but I had to. I won’t take it back, and I don’t care if you’re not there yet, but don’t shut me out just because I am.”
In desperation and frustration and all the things I don’t want to be feeling, I run my hands over the kinks of his hair and pull his face toward mine.
He actually pauses before covering my mouth with his.
I love everything about the way Nate kisses me. The way his lips move with mine, and he does it like he does everything—smooth and strong and rhythmic.
I gasp in for air. “We need to find somewhere else to be.” I’m suddenly so glad that Travis turned me down.
Oh. God. I was just kissing Travis.
Nate stands, helping me to my feet, and I lead him toward the lake. We could take a canoe, or use the dock, or right now the middle of the beach would be fine with me.
As soon as we hit the sand, my arms are around him. Familiar, comfortable, perfect. He sways his hips, dancing to silent music, and I follow because this is how we always start.
I need something harder. More.
I slide my thumbs into the top of jeans and pull him closer.
He chuckles. “This is not what I was expecting when I decided to show up.”
“What were you expecting?” I trace his bottom lip with my tongue, practically begging to be kissed again.
“For you to tell me you hate me and that you never wanted to see me again. To tell me that I’d ruined everything between us because I fell in love with you. For you to be angry because I talked to your brother and your parents. All those things.”
His voice is smooth and soft, but the words are sharp and start to cut deep. It’s all those truths that I didn’t want to face. I wanted more of what we are together without all the talking and the feeling.
But maybe it’s all the same thing, and maybe that’s why I ran.
I freeze and can feel him searching my face for clues in the dark.
“I’ve been with other men. Since being here.” Maybe now he’ll run away, and I won’t have to worry about what to do.
Nate freezes, and then swallows once. “I…”
“I didn’t have sex with anyone, but not because I didn’t try. I’m not good, Nate. I’m not good for you. God, you deserve a girl who is…better. Different. Not so fucked up. Destructive.” How did this come out when he’s here? So close. We’re so close.
But do I want to be?
“Is that what this is about? You running away? Do you honestly think you’re not good enough for me?” His gentle hands grasp my shoulders and he tries to catch my gaze in the dark.
Instead I stare at where his black hands meet my white shoulders, and how much I’ve always loved seeing our skin together.
“Sam?”
“You don’t know who I am.” I squeeze my eyes tight. “You should go. I don’t want you here. Go.”
His hands give my shoulders another soft squeeze. “Sam. Please don’t do this.”
“I’m doing it.” I look down, still keeping my eyes closed. One look from him and I’d be done for. I can’t do it. Can’t have that. “Go. Please.”
His hands slide slowly down my arms and his fingers slide like a breath through mine before his hands drop. “I thought…” he starts. “If I were here. To see you. I—”
I shake my head, but still can’t look at him.
“I love you, Sam, but I won’t keeping doing this.”
“And you shouldn’t.”
Nate walks away and the last bit of anything good that was a part of me walks away with him.
I’m the biggest fuck-up the world has ever seen.
As soon as I’m sure he’s gone, I fall to the sand and let myself cry.
Chapter Thirty-six
There’s always this big moment in movies where the girl or guy who has messed everything up comes to some stellar realization, and we all know they’ll be okay. I have no such moment. God, I don’t deserve that moment.
Jody’s wrapped up in new issues with Liam. Kay-Kay is still on the outs with Alex. And I guess all three of us came here this summer for something we’re not going to get.
I dig through my bag for anything to help me function today, but end up with a handful of movie stubs and receipts of stuff Nate and I did together. I try to crumple the papers and throw them in the trash, but when I throw them, they spread out across the floor of my cabin.
“I want one more fucking thing to go wrong! One more!”
Half of me expects someone to step inside, to see the mess and help me pick it up. Kind of funny seeing as I’ve never expected anyone to pick up my messes before.
God. Nate. I sit in the middle of the little bits of paper and laugh at the ridiculous realization that I’ve done exactly this to what he and I had. We were good. Better than good. Being with Nate was the easiest thing I’ve ever done, but that was terrifying. Something had to go wrong.
Oh, right. It did go wrong because I fucked it all up and spread us into a mess across the floor.
“This is another intervention.” Kay-Kay and Jody grab me and pull me into the life jacket shed.
“Yes. Because the rest of them have worked so well.” I frown. “Kay-Kay’s not with Alex, and I’m guessing that Jody is still a virgin. Did I cover everything?”
“Stop it!” Jody yells, and we both stop to stare at her. “Just stop being such a bitch!”
I’m so proud of her that I’m stunned speechless—even though I’ve barely spoken to her and wonder a little bit at where this is coming from.
She breathes hard a few more times before maybe realizing what she just did and sitting on the ground. At least she didn’t apologize.
“I don’t know exactly what’s going on with you, but a very confused, very sweet black man with a body like…” Kay-Kay stops with a smirk.
“A body like a god,” I finish for her.
“Came by yesterday, and we all chatted with him, but we had to get campers in bed.”
“He’s so nice.” Jody sighs and sits. “He’s like…”
“…the kind of guy you should be with. Not me.” I turn to leave.
“Nice try.” Kay-Kay grabs my arm and hauls me half back into the shed. “It’s one thing if you don’t like him. Maybe he snores. Maybe he’s not great in bed. Maybe he’s just not for you.”
“But.” Jody stands up. “You obviously like him. And you being this miserable sucks.”
“Thanks.” I nod. “I’ll think about all of this.”
Lie.
I turn and walk out, wondering if there’s a way for me to forget everything and just move forward.
When I get to the cabin my phone beeps, and I’m terrified to look.
It’s from a number I don’t recognize.
I know you probably think I’m stupid. And I might get my heart stamped on. But I tried. And I’m glad I chose love. He has a job, and I’m finishing school. Paloma
Stupid girl. I’m not sure if I’m glad she bothered to send me a message or not. Who knows? Maybe at eighty they’ll still be together and have this crazy story about how it all started.
Maybe he’ll turn out to be an asshole. Maybe she’ll turn out to be a destructive bitch like me.
No one knows.
I can’t sleep. At all. I’m not even tired. Tomorrow’s the last day, and I have no idea where I’m going.
I pick up my phone and scroll through Nate’s texts again.
And then again.
And then again.
I think about Kay-Kay and Alex, and how Jody was with the safe guy who ditched her, and how she ended up, or will end up, with the sexy Irishman.
Before I think about what I’m doing, I type Nate a text message.
I want us, but I don’t know how to do this.
And hit send. Then panic. Too late. It’s out. The worst that’ll happen now is he’ll answer back right away.
No.
The worst that could happen now is that he won’t.
Again, the tears start to flow. I hate this. I’ve never cried so much in my life.
Chapter Thirty-seven
With shaking hands I call Austin.
He answers with a sigh. “I’m waiting. And you know what for.”
“I’m sorry.” Even though I know that doesn’t cover it. We don’t hang up on each other. Ever. It was one of the first rules he gave me when I moved in with him.
“You can do better.”
“I freaked out, and I’m sorry.” I close my eyes and lean against the back of the shed. My cigarette supply is gone, but this has become my thinking place. The problem is standing back here really makes me want a smoke.
“A little better.” His voice is pouty, but we’re fine. “Have you talked to him?”
“I’ve made a mess and I don’t know if I want to fix it or how to fix it, or if I want to bury myself in a smelly little cabin for the rest of my life.” I close my eyes and try not to see Nate.
It never works.
“Well, I miss having you around. Are you coming home when this is over?” he asks.
“I hope so.” And right now, that’s all I can give him.
We decorate Jody’s T-shirt for her to hopefully go and finally get laid, and Kay-Kay takes off with Alex, and I’ve still heard nothing from Nate.
Nothing.
I really did lose him.
Now what?
Do I go back to Boston and dancing and my brother and Mable? She said I could come back as long as I never pulled something like this again. But how can I go back if Nate’s there? Staying here isn’t an option.
I run my hands through my hair, which is damp with sweat from the sun and walk through the trees for my cabin. The light’s fading fast, and hopefully all the campers will be gone before it’s dark.
Most of the kids have driven home with their parents, and the place is emptying out fast. That’s good. I’m out of fake smiles.
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