The Husband Lesson

by Jeanie London

  Memory served. “Then why are you judging me on my personal life, on what you perceive to be my commitment issues?”

  “There’s nothing wrong with working hard and playing hard. But I also know you, and I want the physicians in my practice happy.” Matthew shrugged. “It keeps the rest of us happy. I figure if you were, whatever you chose to do with your life, you wouldn’t be trying to drown yourself in surgery or blowing through relationships like they were boxes of surgical gloves. You’re like a man on the run, Charles. Are you sure you’re not ready to move on? I know you were interested in Mount Sinai once.”

  Once, when he’d also been making life plans with Karan. “Some things don’t work out.”

  “Fair enough.” Matthew nodded. “Listen, the last thing I want is for Mount Sinai to get you. But from where I’m standing you don’t seem content. You haven’t in a long time. The kid I invited into my O.R. was hungry, and the man I brought into the residency program was focused and sharp. He didn’t push the boundaries in his personal life, looking for something. I keep thinking you’re going to eventually find it, yet you only seem less at peace, less settled. I don’t know what your deal is, but I don’t want that discontent creeping into your work. You’re too good a surgeon. As of this minute, my offer is officially on the table, but let me ask you a question before you accept or decline.”

  “Shoot.”

  “Have you considered that you’re ready to move on? Bluestone Mountain is small fry compared to your Tampa roots. Maybe the novelty of small-town living has finally worn off? Have you considered that?”

  “No.”

  “Maybe you should.”

  Charles pushed his hand through his hair, surprised. But there was a part of him that wasn’t because a lot of what Matthew said rang true. “Been thinking about this awhile?”

  He nodded. “Mount Sinai is top-notch and Manhattan isn’t Bluestone Mountain. If that’s what you want…” He fixed Charles with a level gaze. “As much as I would hate to lose you—and I would, I hope you know that—you need to be at peace. Consider what I’ve said and take it in the spirit it was meant.”

  Which was what exactly? “Where did New Hope fit in?”

  “Balance, Charles. Balance.” Amusement softened that hard gaze and Matthew smiled. “It’s a good cause, and I figured you could use something worthwhile to distract you. Something to care about.”

  “Well, so you know, I do. Good cause. Good people.”

  “Glad to hear it. You’ve done great work there. Didn’t expect anything less. Now give what I said some thought. Self-reflection isn’t a bad thing. Not always easy, but not bad.” He clapped Charles on the back. “You heading to CSICU?”

  He nodded.

  “Good job in there. Always enjoy assisting you.”

  And Charles didn’t question that Matthew meant exactly what he said. More self-reflection.

  Discontent? A man on the run?

  Karan had accused him of the same thing—running instead of dealing with their marriage.

  Suddenly, he could hear Rhonda’s voice: “Avoidance, Charles. Look it up on the internet.”

  He hadn’t thought he’d needed to, had thought he could figure it out on his own.

  Now he wasn’t so sure.

  BETWEEN CHARLES RUNNING INTO Manhattan to tour the facilities at Mount Sinai and Karan’s large-scale promotional efforts on behalf of New Hope, their paths hadn’t crossed once in nearly two weeks. Until today.

  He’d enjoyed the respite. With so much going on in his head, he’d needed space and clarity to determine what he wanted for the future.

  Clarity was nowhere around when he looked at Karan.

  “A Night on the Hudson.” Matthew glanced up from the glossy full-color brochure he’d been looking at. “I like it.”

  Karan leaned a hip against the desk and flashed a bright smile. That was all it took to have St. Joseph’s chief of staff eating out of her hand. “I thought you might. That’s why I asked Charles to bring me here. He mentioned how you were involved in his work at New Hope.”

  That was one way to put it. But he didn’t say a word. He leaned inside the doorway to Matthew’s office, watched Karan work her magic and reflected on how they’d both wound up at New Hope because of others.

  Matthew looked amused. “Sounds like Charles isn’t the only one.”

  “It’s a great cause.” She glided smoothly past details of her court-ordered involvement. “But A Night on the Hudson is actually a joint venture. The cruise line is willing to cut their expenses to cost for the exposure. Admiral Noonan is willing to absorb the rest so your employees can enjoy the boat and its amenities. It’s a night cruise, so there will be a buffet, music and dancing. New Hope will make a presentation during the meal.” Leaning over, she pointed to the brochure Matthew still held. “Admiral Noonan arranged for this particular vessel himself. I don’t know if you know anything about the admiral.”

  “Just the name,” Matthew admitted.

  “He’s retired navy and a bit of a colorful character. He always has some pet project that involves the Hudson River—environmental concerns, the maritime museum. He’s willing to underwrite this cruise to see the cruise line gets positive exposure to help them weather this tough economy.”

  From Charles’s vantage, he could see Karan’s hair slide over her shoulder as she straightened. He remembered what it felt like between his fingers.

  He had zero business remembering.

  Matthew had been right that self-reflection might not be bad, but it wasn’t easy. But he’d been coming to some astounding conclusions. The most startling had been reevaluating his perceptions about his commitment to marriage.

  When he dissected the problem, Charles found himself asking if avoidance hadn’t been the trouble all along.

  He’d avoided dealing with Karan when issues had arisen, which had ultimately cost him his marriage. Then he’d chalked up the problem as his unsuitability for the institution and proceeded to avoid the problem ever since by not getting involved.

  What wasn’t so surprising was his distaste for what that said about him.

  He’d run.

  Karan had been right about that.

  And when he looked at her now, the way she’d walked into New Hope completely unprepared for what she’d found there, he had to admire her persistence. She’d owned up to her mistakes and kept trying until she found some way to contribute.

  Charles was witnessing firsthand the way she tackled her issues—legal trouble, ex-husband trouble, whatever other trouble she might be tackling with Rhonda in session. And not once did he see Karan retreat in the face of those challenges.

  He admired that a lot.

  So Charles stood here, watching her work, reflecting on his revelations, on the courage it was taking her to deal with her situation. And the courage it would take him.

  He hadn’t expected her to set the example, but when he looked at her, a force of nature that she’d always been, he wasn’t so surprised.

  “All right, Karan,” Matthew was saying. “I like it, and I certainly think my staff deserves a fun night out. But what are you expecting from them in return?”

  She leaned back, her blouse stretching taut, and for a tantalizing instant outlining the curve of her breasts in profile and torturing him with reminders he didn’t need without anger to shield him.

  “Exposure for New Hope. You have a staff of skilled people and we happen to have an emergency shelter that needs those skills. We can look to other areas in the community for financial support, but we need to look to you for volunteers to help us staff the shelter.

  “I realize your people work very hard for you, Matthew. They have careers and families and not a lot of spare time. That’s why one of our directors—Charles’s colleague, in fact—is working on a program to allow volunteer hours at New Hope to fulfill specific continuing education units required by the state. The senator is one hundred percent behind this program, so we should have approval in t
ime for the cruise. Your employees can donate their skills to a good cause and come away not only feeling good but with recompense for their time. Win-win.”

  Matthew gave a low whistle. “You’re not kidding. CEUs will be excellent incentive.”

  “That’s why I came to you instead of the Foundation.”

  St. Joseph’s Foundation organized all the charitable endeavors associated with the hospital such as the fundraisers, the gifts and trusts. The organization did exactly what Karan was doing for New Hope at the moment. He supposed she didn’t want to get lost in the shuffle there, didn’t want to have to go through endless channels to have her proposal reviewed and accepted or rejected. Karan was working her connection to Matthew to get him on board with her idea. With the chief of staff’s endorsement, the Foundation would support her.

  She was so skilled at dealing with people. It was an admirable quality that he’d seen in action many times.

  Her connections to the manager at the Inn at Laurel Lake had yielded a room block for his entire family so they could afford to stay for all the wedding events.

  His internship at Kingston Medical beneath the renowned head of the cardiothoracic program had come as a result of some of her father’s friends.

  Of course, she didn’t always put those skills to good use. There had been dramas involving girlfriend gossip and convoluted interactions with her sorority sisters and wedding crises. The list went on and on.

  But Charles had to wonder if Karan simply didn’t have enough direction on which to focus her skills, purposes that would challenge her. Because when she was focused and challenged, she accomplished amazing things.

  He also had to wonder why he hadn’t noticed this before, why instead, he’d remembered her as only petty and theatrical. Was the difference in Karan?

  Or was his memory at fault?

  Charles only knew that he remembered her in such an unkind light and had painted her that way publicly whenever he’d been forced to think about her. Even Rhonda had shut him down so he wouldn’t color her impressions.

  That did not make him proud of himself by any stretch. To his knowledge, Charles wasn’t usually an ass. Perhaps Karan had grown up in the years since their divorce, but it didn’t sound as if he had at all, not regarding her anyway.

  Avoidance is a simple way of coping by not having to cope. As a short-term strategy, avoidance is benign and can even be useful, but as a long-term coping mechanism, it can become a self-protective strategy that is neither balanced nor healthy.

  CHARLES HAD FINALLY looked up avoidance on the internet. He’d read several definitions, but this one stuck with him. He had to ask himself if criticism was one such way to distance feelings he hadn’t wanted to experience about this woman.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  KARAN WATCHED CHARLES AS HE drove her home from the hospital. The meeting with Matthew couldn’t have gone better, and she was both relieved and pleased he would support an event that would hopefully garner some skilled medical expertise for New Hope.

  “Do you think we’ll get anyone to sign on?” she asked.

  “Don’t see why not.”

  They needed the help. RNs. Occupational therapists. Speech therapists. LPNs. The list went on and on.

  “Rhonda said there was really no way to anticipate the needs of the families who come to the shelter, so until New Hope secures a good variety of outreach programs, the needs will have to be attended in house.”

  “That’s right.” Charles didn’t elaborate, but Karan thought of adorable little Everleigh.

  According to Marisol, the pediatrician had recently referred her daughter to a speech therapist. Of course, now the family was at New Hope. Marisol had left home without her insurance cards, and she couldn’t exactly bring her daughter to a doctor her abusive husband knew about. Not when he could show up and cause trouble.

  Karan wanted to ask how that situation would be handled, but Charles’s short answers weren’t inviting questions. She appreciated him driving her, so she kept quiet, enjoying the ride after spending so much time cooped up in her house while burning up the phone lines finalizing arrangements for all these events. He had the top down and while the sun wasn’t ready to set, the temperature had started to drop.

  The breeze lifted her hair and felt so good against her face. The only outdoor time she’d gotten lately was walks around the lake when she could no longer bear looking at the inside of her house.

  When Charles took a corner so hard that his oversize tires kicked up gravel, Karan clung to the overhead bar and asked, “Charles, what on earth is wrong?”

  “What?” He shot her a sidelong glance, which meant he wasn’t looking at the road. Good thing he was a cardiothoracic specialist because her heart stopped right there. He hadn’t been paying attention while he was looking at the road.

  Fixing her gaze ahead, she gave him a visual prompt she hoped he would follow. And she didn’t take her eyes off the road again. Hopefully, he wouldn’t, either. And if he did…well, she didn’t want to know.

  “I asked if anything was wrong. You seem out of sorts.”

  “I got an offer from Mount Sinai.”

  Karan wasn’t sure what she’d expected, but it hadn’t been for him to blurt out what was on his mind.

  “Wow. Mount Sinai. Congratulations are certainly in order. Are you considering accepting?”

  “I’m considering. I’ve been checking out the facilities and meeting with the team when I can get away from here.”

  So that’s where he’d been lately. Not that she’d been at New Hope a lot these past few weeks with all the event preparations, but she’d heard that he hadn’t been, either. She’d wondered if he was dodging her. Now the thought made her roll her eyes. His absence had absolutely nothing at all to do with her. The world did revolve without Karan Kowalski Steinberg-Reece at its center. Imagine that.

  “What about Matthew? Is he willing to give you up?”

  “No. He made me an offer, too. Finally.” The finally bothered him. “Difficult decision?”

  Charles nodded. “I’ve been waiting for his offer and been trying to convince him I’m committed to St. Joseph’s. That’s been the plan ever since I finished my residency. Why I accepted the fellowship here.”

  Charles could have gone anywhere, including Florida to be nearer his family, but he chose to stay in Bluestone Mountain. If nothing else, their marriage hadn’t soured him on the area. She wondered if that meant he’d moved on emotionally.

  She wondered why the thought hurt after so much time.

  “This really doesn’t sound like Matthew.” Of course, she hadn’t seen Matthew more than a handful of times in the years since the divorce, but he’d always been interested in getting Charles into St. Joseph’s. Even back when he’d been a medical student. Matthew hadn’t been happy when she’d helped arrange for Charles to do his internship in Kingston.

  “He told me not to make any decisions until I consider whether or not I’m ready to move on.”

  “Are you?”

  “I honestly don’t know.”

  Well, that was certainly candid. “What’s Mount Sinai promising? Is it significantly better than Matthew?”

  “Not really. Different. I’d belong to the mitral valve repair team. At St. Joseph’s I wouldn’t be quite as specialized. More exposure at Mount Sinai. More autonomy at St. Joseph’s, especially after Dr. Chalmers retires.”

  “So, basically you’re talking about being a little fish in a big pond or big fish in a little pond?”

  That got a hint of a smile, which was precisely the point. The man loved to fish. Deep sea fishing with his dad in Florida. Devil’s Path and the various streams and rivers around. During their marriage he had even sat in a dinghy with a fishing pole in the middle of Mohawk Lake when he only had a few hours off and needed to unwind. His dinghy was still in her garage.

  Charles wheeled off the road and pulled into her driveway. The Jeep jerked to a stop. He hopped out and circled to get her
door. The sight of him so clearly conflicted bothered her. Every fiber of her being protested letting him leave when he so clearly needed to talk. She wasn’t the best choice as his confidante. She didn’t even know if he was involved at the moment—but from what she’d heard he wasn’t usually uninvolved. But he obviously wasn’t talking enough to Ms. Whomever-she-was.

  Karan and Charles used to be able to talk about anything. It was one of the things she had liked most about their relationship.

  That, and the sex, of course.

  Crossing in front of him, she climbed the steps and sat on the top one. Patting the seat beside her, she said, “You’re welcome to sit if you’d like.”

  Then she waited. With the breath lodged in her throat. With her heart thumping so hard it actually hurt.

  It shouldn’t matter what Charles did.

  It did. A lot.

  When his dark gaze met hers, almost suspicious, she held it, tried to convey what she was thinking.

  She’d listen if he wanted to keep talking.

  No more. No less. Simple.

  He thrust a hand through his hair, leaving it spiking at odd angles, a sure sign of his tension. She watched, enjoyed the pleasure of looking at him, a privilege that had once been hers. And it had been both a privilege and a pleasure. She didn’t think she’d ever realized that before now.

  He was such a handsome man with those long legs and straight, broad shoulders. She remembered lying beneath him after making love, looking at the world through the crook of his neck and shoulder and thinking there was nowhere else she would ever want to be.

  To her complete surprise he strode up the steps and sat. He looked straight ahead, but she could see a muscle flexing in his jaw beneath the beard.

  “Matthew only put the offer on the table because Mount Sinai forced his hand.”

  Again, that surprised her given that Matthew had been a mentor and friend before Karan had even met Charles. “What’s his concern? I really don’t understand.”