by Maguire, Ily
“Excuse me?” I didn’t realize I was selfish. I’d feel better about the entire deal if I were giving myself away for free. Then I’d have some control over it. I don’t like the idea of being an investment opportunity.
“Think about it, okay? That’s all I ask.” He looks at his watch and gets up, taking my hands, pulling me up, too. When did I sit down?
He escorts me to the door.
“Listen, Rose, don’t mention this conversation to Pike.”
“Why not? He’s not in on this plan?”
“Well no, not yet. I don’t think he’d be supportive of it. I have to figure out a way to broach it with him.”
“But wouldn’t he be all for making this kind of medical breakthrough available to everyone, even if it has to start out in the hands of investors?”
“Well, you would think so. Unfortunately, he gets a little territorial over the girls he likes.”
“What do you mean?” Pike likes me?
“I’m not sure he’d like you to be that close to me for any length of time, that’s all I’m saying,” JJ laughs at this and it unnerves me. “Don’t let Pike fool you. He’s not like the rest of everyone. Heck, none of us are like each other, really.”
“What does this have to do with anything?” I’m confused.
“He didn’t give you our backstories, did he? Noble of him. Well, we all have a story. Something for another time, perhaps.” The door opens and a girl stands just beyond in the hallway. I’ve seen her before, tending to the small flock of sheep roaming around the common. She looks way more mature right now than she does with the lambs. She is waiting to come in as I’m being pushed out.
“Think about it, okay, Rose? And like I said before, I think you have an amazing body. You really should use it,” he winks and extends a hand to the girl waiting to come in. She smiles at me.
I step out and the girl steps in.
17
“What’s he got to talk to you about?” A voice speaks from the stairwell. It echoes up.
“Ezekiel! Gosh, you scared me. Have you been waiting here this entire time?” I turn away from JJ’s door. I can hear the girl giggling inside. “I’m on my way down,” I say.
“I thought you would’ve gone straight to Pike. To tell him about earlier,” Ezekiel says.
I shrug my shoulders. I would’ve gone to Pike had he been there.
“You can, you know. Tell Pike.”
“Okay. Maybe I will.” Will I? I keep walking down the stairs. Ezekiel stays so close, he hovers.
“Can I give you some advice, Rose?”
I stop and turn toward him. His face softens and I think I can see something I didn’t notice before in his eyes. What is it?
“What is it?” I say trying not to sound impatient.
“You have to find someone here you can trust. I’m not sayin’ it’s me, but you need someone.”
That’s almost exactly what Dory said in her note.
And Tithonus.
“You cannot trust James Jameson,” he adds.
“Why not? Are you ordering me not to, or telling me I shouldn’t? How do you know I can’t trust him? For all I know, you’re someone I should be worried about!”
We take the stairs down.
“I haven’t done anything wrong, Rose.”
I know that.
“But you’ve determined that JJ has.” If JJ didn’t want me to mention anything to Pike, I’m sure Ezekiel doesn’t know. “At least he’s not secretive like you, sending messages to my sister without telling me. He’s told me the truth from the start,” I lie, or at least speak not knowing the truth.
“I have been secretive, yes, but I haven’t lied. JJ changes the truth whenever he wants, to meet his needs. The kid’s got an agenda. Always has. You can’t trust that.”
I don’t like what Ezekiel is saying, but I agree. JJ is smooth, charming, and attractive, but manipulative. I know this.
“I’m not planning on telling Pike anything.” I state.
“I’m not saying that doesn’t sound all well and good, but Pike’s been working extra hard to keep you safe and comfortable. You have no idea.”
“Safe? Yes. But comfortable? No. Have you been in my room? Tell him I could use a proper mattress, not a crummy cot, and I’d love for something other than these stiff combat boots. How come Patience gets to wear long skirts and tank tops? And has anyone seen JJ’s room? I don’t care if I sound like a whiney rich kid!” I am a whiney rich kid, and I’m ashamed. But that isn’t who I really am, is it? I don’t think I know. I don’t think I ever knew. I never had to know. And I can’t stop myself.
We get to my room and Ezekiel unlocks the door. I stare up at him, but he glares back. I thought I saw something in Ezekiel’s eyes before, but it’s gone. I thought I saw a soul, but I was wrong.
“Oh, never mind,” I say and he tips his head to me. I feel better venting, but I’ve been cooped up in this place too long. I need to get –
I stop once I step inside my room. The door closes behind me. In the dark, I am still able to see 5 candles tied with pink yarn atop a pillow – a pillow! – on my bed. I walk over and pick up the candles. A pack of matches is tucked in the string and a note is nestled among the bundle. On my knees, I angle the note in the stream of light coming in from under my door.
Rosamund,
To help you sleep and stay awake.
We need you and are thankful.
Pike
I read the chicken-scratch writing over and over again. He’s given me a present. No, two presents. And a note. He must be back. I wonder where he is.
“Maybe I’ll get some rest first.” I put the note with the others and the bunch of candles on the floor. I pick up my feet, boots and all, and put them on the bed. I lie down, crashing my head into the pillow.
A pillow.
My eyes well up with tears. I take a deep breath in. It smells of home. Memories of my room come flooding over. The way my bedroom could be as bright or dark as I wanted it, kind of like JJ’s moods. I shake my head and inhale again. Comforting music filtered in through the air purifying vents and circulating around my room. My bed that was always so soft and warm. Cozy. It smells like Evie and Dory. My heart aches and I think I might miss them. In my mind I can see my parents running races with Dory and I on the front lawn. And then later, when my parents lost all living energy, Dory and I teaching Evie to catch and classify invader species in the backyard. My mother, my sisters, my father. I start to cry. It is my room. I miss something.
It’s my pillow.
“How’d he–”
There’s a knock on my door. I jump up to answer it. I don’t bother drying my tears. It’s Pike.
“Rose, hey, I see you got my–”
I throw my arms around his neck and hug him as hard as I’ve ever hugged anyone.
“Oh thank you, Pike! Thank you thank you thank you!” I hold his neck and then kiss it. I kiss his cheek and his neck again. Over and over. It’s the only real emotion I’ve felt since I got here. It may well be the only emotion I’ve ever felt.
“Whoa! Rose, hold up a sec–” He holds me at arms-length, and his smile beams, matching mine. I don’t think I’ve seen him happy before.
And then time stands still.
I lean in, my face closing on his. He doesn’t move away, but I can feel his hands on my arms relax.
My lips touch his and they are soft. Softer than I ever imagined. His lips press back and I move my arms up around his neck. My body is against his and I can feel his warmth. He feels like home.
“Rose–” His face is still close to mine.
“Please, Pike, don’t say anything.” How do I know what to do?
“Rose, we shouldn’t. I shouldn’t.”
I move my face towards his again.
“Wait. Stop, Rose. Please.” He pulls away and my body, every nerve once on end with excitement, numbs at his refusal.
“Am I doing something wrong?” Confused, I’ve never been ki
ssed before and I’ve never tried to kiss anyone either. I don’t know if I’m doing it right. “I’m sorry.”
“No. Rose, you didn’t do anything wrong,” he says stepping back. “You didn’t. Actually, it was all very right.” He smiles but takes another step back.
“Then what’s wrong? Was it bad? I’m sorry– I thought–” My heart sinks. I feel sick. So much for emotions. I take a step back myself, but stumble. He reaches out, but I wave him off.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he rubs his head with both hands. “I gave you the wrong idea. I shouldn’t have given you the pillow. It’s my fault. I’m sorry.”
“No! I love the pillow. That you gave me the pillow. Thank you!” I look down at my own hands. I wring them. “I don’t want to give the pillow back.”
“You don’t have to, it’s yours.”
“How’d you get it anyway?” I sit down on my cot and put the pillow on my lap, then up to my face. I can’t bring myself to look at him anymore.
“Oh, it wasn’t a problem. Really, I–”
“Will I ever go home?”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure how safe it will be; how safe it is.”
“I miss my family,” I lie. “No, I miss Dory.”
“Your sister.”
I nod, but I don’t have the same energy I had minutes ago. It is quiet between us. Neither of us moves and neither of us looks at the other.
“Is it because of Hara?” I ask after a minute’s silence. Pike still stands in the doorway. I don’t think I’ve cared for anything so much. It isn’t my pillow or my home. It’s Pike.
“Is what because of Hara?” he asks. His eyebrows furrow and I can see those deep creases in his forehead and around his eyes. They are sad.
“The reason you don’t want to kiss me. Is it because of Hara?”
“No. Not really. Maybe.”
“It’s okay that it is. I should’ve thought about that first. I know you two are kind of inseparable.” The pillow is back up to my face, my eyes peeking over the top as I control the flow of tears that threaten to fall.
“It’s not entirely like that. It’s complicated.”
I nod, pulling the pillow back down.
“Listen, I should go.” He can’t bring himself to look at me, though I can’t help but stare.
“Do you have to?” I whisper. I want him to stay. Or go with him.
“I should. I’ve got a few things.” He looks behind and over his shoulder. He nods to Ezekiel.
How long has he been there? Did he see me kiss Pike?
“I’ll stop by later. Or I’ll see you later,” he says.
“Yes. No problem. Sounds good.” I don’t look up.
“Are you okay?” he asks, with one foot out the door.
“Everything’s okay. I’m okay if you’re okay. Really.” I feign a smile. I don’t want to bother him any more than I already have. I’m embarrassed, too.
“I’m good.” He smiles back and I think he’s pretending, too. “I’ll see you around.” He closes the door and I am plunged back into darkness. I don’t mind and I don’t bother fumbling for the candles Pike gave me, either. It’s better if we all pretend. Pretend that he likes me. Pretend that I don’t like him. I shake my head. Pretend that I never had the candles in the first place so I don’t have to know what it feels like when they burn out and I don’t have them for good.
18
“I’m not sure of my purpose here anymore.” I sit beside the fountain once again with Patience. Another week has gone by. I haven’t seen her in the labcoat since and I wonder if I imagined it. The sun comes and goes overhead, warmth lingering on my skin. “Your brother has done all of his tests.”
Patience is wearing another long skirt. This one is light grey with blue and green flowers. The blue is bright as the water in the fountain. As bright as Pike’s eyes.
“So what’re you thinking of doing about it?” She drips water on her arm and watches it roll over the side. There is no hair to slow it down. Strange.
“I don’t know,” I shrug. I do know. I am going to leave. I just haven’t mentioned it out loud.
“JJ says once he can figure out how to speed up the regrowth, he will look for investors,” Patience says without prompting.
“He told you that?” I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. Why did he tell her? Is it because she’s helpful? How much does she know?
“And he said that once he has some capital, he’ll start to harvest the cells.” She still hasn’t looked at me. “But he says it will be tricky getting someone to do the negotiating. He’s got to figure out whom he can trust to do it and then how to get them in and out of Aegis.”
“He could trust you,” I offer.
“Of course he could, but I’m no good at talking and especially not negotiating.”
“What about the person coming and going with notes from my sister? That person would probably be very good at it,” I angle. She knows something.
Patience dips her fingers back in the water. I wonder about her fascination with the water. What does she see?
“They probably would be,” she agrees, but doesn’t indicate who it could be.
“Ezekiel, maybe? Or Pike?”
“Uh-uh,” she shakes her head. “Too intimidating and too much in his own head. Those two would never work as good negotiators.”
I don’t believe this is the same person I saw spinning a centrifuge.
“Hara? She sure knows her way in and out and around.” I can’t believe I’m already trying to get rid of her. She hasn’t done anything to me.
“She could work, I guess. She’d be good at it of course, but she’s already on the Imperial Bead’s watch list. The Beadledom must be looking for her by now. She won’t do.”
“How about that girl visiting JJ the other day. I’m blanking on her name,” and fishing for information.
“Ha ha! Oh no– ha ha– she won’t do at all. None of those girls could do it.”
Girls? What girls? JJ has more of them?
“Did he mention how uneasy I am about all of this?” I ask Patience.
“He did, but he also said you wanted to do it to help people. And you’d be helping so many people. That’s why you were brought here in the first place. Not because we wanted to save you, a natural human, but because we all knew there was something special about you. And everybody would’ve known. Something potentially universe-altering.” The water falls onto the ground where it makes a small puddle.
I have nothing to say. I feel used and unclean. It amazes me how JJ has twisted our conversation for an audience. I know it’s not about the good I’d be doing, but rather the profit. He wants to make money. What does Pike know about all of this? What does he think he was bringing me here for?
“He wanted me to remind you to not say anything to Pike. He said you wouldn’t.” Patience breaks my reverie.
I don’t bother responding. I told JJ I wouldn’t say anything. I guess it’s natural he told his sister, I just can’t help but feel betrayed.
“I haven’t committed to anything, Patience. Not yet.”
“He did mention that, too and–” Patience pauses and smiles to herself. She isn’t even looking at me. So much like her brother. Now I see it. She stares at the water.
“And what?”
“And he said that if you didn’t come around then he’d figure out a way to make you see things his way.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
I want Patience to stop smiling. She’s threatening me.
“He said you were a smart girl, Rose. And that you’d know what he meant.”
“I know what he means alright. If I don’t agree to give myself up,” I begin.
“Not you. Your cells,” Patience corrects.
“Then he’ll find a way to get them from me. He’ll make sure of it.”
“He did say you were a smart girl.”
This isn’t a dumb little girl speaking, but a manipulative one.
She knows exactly what she is saying and how she is saying it. I get up.
“Where’re you going Rose?” she asks. I want sweet, stupid Patience back.
I step away from her. She still plays with the water. Her skirt is raised up to her knees and feet splash in the shallow pool. I get a quick glance up her leg and see some black etching on the smooth, white skin of her inner thigh. It looks like a tattoo, but the lines and cross-hatchings are more like a code of sorts.
It doesn’t matter.
I turn and walk away.
“Rose? Rose!” she calls after me.
I run across the common area.
It isn’t until I’m back in my room, door shut and in the dark out of breath that I notice I forgot my notebook. It doesn’t matter. I’ve got nothing of any significance in there, it’s just the feeling of loss without it is kind of intense.
At least I have my letters. I walk over to the bed and kneel down, reaching under the mattress. Wait, where are they? My hand moves forward and backward along rusty springs.
They’re gone.
I stand too quickly and get lightheaded. I can’t make my legs move, but I need my letters. They’re incriminating. They’re personal. They’re mine.
Nothing feels right here and I realize it never has. Except for my feelings for Pike. Those were real. They are real. Something about this place is wrong, though. Like Tithonus, Dory, and Ezekiel said, I can’t trust anyone. I don’t have anyone. Why did I leave with Pike in the first place? I shouldn’t be here.
That’s it. It’s settled. It’s time to leave. To go home. I can’t worry about being caught. I don’t need to be here and I will be safe at home. Or will I?
I don’t consider this scenario. It may be too late no matter what. I’m going to get my letters back and leave this place as soon as I can. As soon as everyone goes to their rooms. I grab four of the five candles and put one in each of my pant pockets just in case. The matches go into my waterproof boots.
I’m going home. To my family. To Dory. To my bedroom. I look back at my pillow still on the cot. It has to stay. I can’t bring it with me.
Without any sense of time, I crack the door open, getting some light into the room. Pike and Hara are across the common area among a bunch of other workers. She’s petting a small, white lamb grazing with two other sheep. The girl from JJ’s room is spinning wool on a loom. Pike looks on. Everyone seems content. Hara is smiling.