Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him

by Clair Delaney

  I hear Tristan call me again, his voice connecting to me on some deep elemental level. It floods me with a feeling of complete and utter peace. I feel so content, and I don’t feel afraid anymore, just blissful, happy – very strange!

  Tristan calls me again, I try to locate his voice, it seems to be coming from above me; I step forward and climb a small, wooden staircase. As I reach the top, I am blinded for a moment by the sunlight.

  Tristan comes into view, he’s stood there with his hand held out to me, he has his aviators on and he’s wearing his sexiest smile. He’s dressed in a pair of navy combat shorts, no shirt and his feet bare – Wow!

  Reaching out I take his outstretched hand, and look around me, and it’s in that moment I realise we are on a boat, that’s why the earth is moving. We are moored in a little cove, surrounded by a beautiful rocky landscape. The sea is twinkling sweetly, the sky a perfect blue and the sun is high in the sky.

  I turn around again to look at Tristan. He is beaming at me, a smile so wide; his dimples are deeper than I’ve ever seen them, he leans down and kisses the back of my hand.

  “Mrs Freeman,” he croons, and leans in to kiss me...

  I AM RUDELY AWOKEN by my alarm clock buzzing loudly at me. I jump up in shock and slam my hand over the top of it – Oh My God! What the hell was that? I run my hands through my hair and stare blankly at the wall trying to work it out. I...what? Mrs Freeman?I was married to him in the dream? But I, Noooooo, that’s just ridiculous!

  I shake my head in wonder. I have never in my life imagined myself getting married. I don’t even believe in marriage, I don’t believe it has any value, my parents are a good example of that. So why am I dreaming I was married to him?

  I shake my head, trying to work it out. When Debs got hitched, she told me it was all coming true, how she had dreamed it would be as a little girl. What her dress would look like, the church, all the bells and whistles.

  I shake my head in confusion. I’ve never done any of that, ever - How odd?

  I lie back down and stare up at the ceiling, trying to remember more about the dream. Then it comes to me, that peaceful feeling, almost as though it was a knowing, like I knew that there was no more pain, no more fear. That I was ok, actually happy, really happy - Weird!

  I decide it’s best not to be thinking about a silly dream for too long, it’s not healthy, it’s never going to happen and it’s not reality – The reality is that I have to get to the gym and do my morning swim, go to work, and then tonight I have training with Will.

  Just another ordinary day, nothing special, nothing new.

  The peaceful feeling quickly dissipates and is replaced with a deep longing, a feeling of wanting something, and wanting it so badly. It’s always been there, for as long as I can remember, but now it feels more profound.

  I just wish I knew what it was, so I could get it and make the longing go away…

  THE REST OF THE DAY passes by in a blur; I cannot seem to concentrate at all – I just keep getting the boat dream with Tristan playing over and over in my head. Joyce pulled me up on it several times, and I apologized several times. And as for the walk home…well, I don’t even remember doing that.

  After training with Will, and getting knocked on my ass far too many times. I decided to have an early night. I know it’s weird – but I wanted to watch Twilight again. So I quickly showered – wishing I was actually in that egg shaped bath, soaking my aching muscles – dressed in my pyjamas, and took my laptop up to bed with me. I don’t know how far I got in the movie before I drifted off, but I remember the dream.

  I was stood in the middle of a dark green forest, it was misty and cold. I could hear the rain crashing down on the canopy of branches above me, the air thick with the smell of pine.

  Edward was stood in front of me, then he blurred and changed into Tristan. He looked so sad as he held his hand out to me, when I looked down to place my hand in his, a red apple appeared, I looked up in confusion.He lifted the apple up between his long fingers and stepped closer to me.

  “Take a bite,” he whispered.

  I tried to step forward, but I was being held back by some invisible force. I pulled against it, desperate to get to Tristan; I wanted to reach out, to touch him, but I couldn’t free myself.

  The more I struggled, the stronger the force became, until eventually I had to watch Tristan slowly morph from a solid human form, to a cloudy mist, whispering my name just before he completely disappeared…

  I AM STARING BLANKLY at my computer; it’s 3.45pm and it’s Friday. I know I should be bricking it about seeing George, but I’m not – All I have done all day is daydream about the dream I had Wednesday night, just like yesterday. I feel like I’m losing my mind!

  I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about being on that boat with Tristan, and every time it comes to me, I keep getting that Coldplay song Us Against the World playing in my head. I don't get it at all, and I certainly cannot understand the marriage part.

  I’ve been trying to convince myself that it’s because Gladys is getting married, and I’m subconsciously thinking about it, but then I thought no, that can't be right. I didn’t think about getting married when Debs did, and I was far more involved with all the wedding shenanigans than I am now – No, there has to be some other explanation for it all.

  But more than that, more than the whole married thing, every time my mind has wandered to the dream, I have felt the same sense of peace wash over me and quite frankly, I’ve loved it, so I’ve purposely allowed it.

  I have never felt like that before, ever – “Coral?” I look up in a daze.

  “Yes Joyce,” I answer dreamily. I hadn’t even noticed her standing there.

  “Are you sure you’re alright? You’ve been very pre-occupied these past couple of days.” Uh-Oh!

  I panic for a moment and quickly run through my in-box – No, I have definitely done all my work!

  “Have I?” I sigh.

  Joyce rolls her eyes at me.“Well, I’m leaving now, so you can do the same,” she tells me. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” she smiles.

  “Ok, see you tomorrow.” I answer already on auto pilot.

  Joyce walks off shaking her head at me.

  I go through the motions of shutting my computer down, and heading out for the evening, all the while thinking about that wonderful peaceful feeling...

  I HEAR DOGS BARKING, in a daze I look up and realise I have reached George’s house. I ring the bell and after a moment, I hear George’s partner Phil, telling his two Maltese dogs to be quiet. He opens the door and smiles widely at me.

  “Hello Coral,” he says and ushers the dogs back inside.

  “Hey Phil.” I follow him in and shut the door. Phil air kisses both my cheeks.“You look well.” I tell him.

  “No!” He says flicking his hand – he’s so girly. “Although, I have just come back from the Spa,” he says, smiling sweetly at me.

  “Ooh, lucky you,” I chuckle and almost go to say ‘lady of leisure’ but stop myself just in time.

  “My weekly massage, full body and face. You should try it, makes you feel amazing,” he glows.

  “It shows.” I say and bend down to greet Tinkerbelle and Princess, they’re totally adorable, fluffy little pooches. After licking me to death, I follow Phil into the kitchen.

  “You’re a little early,” he says.

  I shrug. “I know. Joyce let me go early.”

  Phil suddenly narrows his eyes at me.“You look different,” he says observantly.

  I shrug again. “Do I?”

  “Amour,” he says, with a twinkle in his eyes.Love? “That’ll do that to you,” he titters.

  I smile weakly at him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” I say feigning innocence.

  He gasps. “You have! You’ve met someone!” He says with animated glee.If I blushed, I swear I would be purple right now. Is it really that obvious?

  “Kind of…” I say, not really sure what I’m tal
king about.

  He slaps his hands to his face and squeals, his eyes twinkling.“How marvelous!”

  I smile weakly at him.

  “Tell me everything” he says, leaning on the kitchen counter, his chin cupped in his hands. He’s dying to know, but I don’t know what to say. Thankfully the phone starts ringing; saving me.

  Phil pulls a sad face. “Back in a sec,” he says and skips out of the kitchen.

  I start day-dreaming again. I’m pulled out of it by George placing his hand on my shoulder. I jump a mile and have to calm my heart down. “Wow George, don’t do that to me,” I scold.

  “Are we in the land of the living?” he asks dryly.

  I pull a face and silently follow him out of the kitchen, as we pass Phil who’s gossiping on the phone, I mouth ‘sorry’ to him – I know he’ll want all the juicy details when I’ve finished with George, ‘later’ he mouths back; we smile at one another.

  I sit down on the couch, and wait for George to settle himself. Sitting in his leather chair, he takes out his notepad and pen, pops his glasses on, and smiles down at me – Ok, here goes!

  “So Coral, how’s the rest of your week been?”

  “Um...good,” I say.

  “You seem...relaxed.” He quickly assesses.

  “Yeah, I guess.” I shrug non-committed.

  “Care to share?” George asks.

  I stare down at my fingers - I’m not sure I want to share the dream. It felt so private so...like it was just mine and Tristan’s.

  “Coral?” George prompts.

  I sigh in resignation.“I had a dream,” I confess, keeping my eyes on my hands that are now twisted together.

  “And?” George says.I decide to tell him about my conversation with Tristan first, about asking for the time off and Gladys’s news about the wedding.“And his reaction?” George asks.

  “Shocked,” I answer. “And worried, for me,” I add.

  George chuckles, my eyes dart up to meet his.“Why is that funny?” I ask a little sharply.

  “I think it’s quite obvious he’s already developed a deep connection to you.” George states.

  I shake my head at him. “Doubtful, he’s very caring about his staff, that’s all,” I answer.

  George studies me for a moment then crosses his leg. “Men are very different to women Coral. Do you think he’s organized birthday surprises for his other members of staff? Or offered to drive goodness knows how many miles to come and see you, because he simply ‘cares about his staff’ no, I don’t think so.” I frown at George not knowing where he’s going with this.

  My leg starts jigging up and down, a sure sign that I’m nervous.

  “So tell me about the dream,” George adds.

  I exhale slowly, my cheeks expanding and stare out of the window. “I kind of don’t want to tell you...it felt like...well like it was private,” I say looking back at him.

  George shakes his head at me.“Nothing’s private Coral, not when you’re in therapy.” He tells me softly. Grrrrrrr!

  “Fine!” I snap and reel off how the dream went, how it made me feel. When I finish George doesn’t say a word, he’s frantically taking notes on his pad.

  Finally he looks up at me.“It’s not something we’ve ever covered Coral so I’m intrigued, do you want to get married?”

  I vehemently shake my head. “No. It’s never been on the cards for me.” I state firmly.

  “Yet, you felt contented, peaceful?” He queries.

  “It was just a dream.” I answer dully.

  “I’d like you to consider that possibility for yourself.”

  My eyes shoot up to his – Is he joking?

  I snort sarcastically at that one. “George, I don’t believe in it ok. I don’t think marriage has any value so there’s no point asking me to consider it.”

  “Why?” He asks cocking his head to the side.

  “Because...I...I just don’t,” I shrug. “Look, I get what you’re saying, I really do. But I can’t even imagine myself in a relationship, so I think throwing marriage in there is a bit...well silly.” I say, feeling a little resentful.

  “One step at a time Coral, I would strongly suggest you consider it as being a possibility in your future. I really want you to start opening yourself up to all possibilities. You have just as much right to the deep happiness you felt in that dream as anyone else on the planet.”

  “Fine,” I say wanting to get off the subject. “I’ll consider it.” I add rolling my eyes.

  “Good,” George says. “Now, how did your evening go with Gladys?”

  “Fine,” I answer.

  “That’s a lot of fines,” George scolds. “Elaborate please, Coral.”

  “There’s not really much to say. Gladys is happy, Malcolm is nice, really nice actually’ – I scowl at the floor – ‘they’re getting married on my birthday.”

  George raises his eyebrows. “And how do you feel about that?” he asks.

  “Quite honestly, I don’t care. It’s the middle of the week. They just want a small do and that’s the date the Hilton can get them in.” George nods as he listens to me.“You know, I’ve thought about a lot of things this week. And as far as Gladys is concerned, it was going to happen someday, right? And I guess I’m trying to do what you tell me to do. To be less afraid of change, to understand that I can't control everything, and as sad as I am that both Joyce and Gladys are leaving, there’s not much I can do about it, so I’m rolling with the punches.”

  “I’m very glad to hear you say that Coral, that’s a very positive reaction.” George smiles warmly at me. “And like it or not, I think deep down, way down there in your subconscious you’re not feeling so afraid because you already have someone else to lean on, someone you know you can depend on.”

  I frown back at him. “I know I have that, I have Rob.” I state.

  George shakes his head at me. “I wasn’t talking about Rob, I was talking about Tristan.”

  “Tristan. Is. My. Boss.” I hiss, enunciating each word – Honestly, can’t he get that?

  “That maybe so, but I think you’d better start letting your real feelings for him come to the surface Coral.”

  “What real feelings?” I question, laughing sarcastically at him. He cocks his head to the side, folds his hands in his lap and waits patiently for me - Argh! I stand up, and start pacing the room.

  “Coral, please sit back down.” I cross my arms in a huff, and sit back down on the sofa.

  “What I am trying to say to you is that you wouldn’t be having the type of dream that you had, unless you are fighting how you truly feel for him. So if I was to ask you to be brutally honest with yourself, and say it out loud’ – “I can’t,” I shout, interrupting George. “It doesn’t matter how much I like him. It doesn’t matter that I have dreamt about him. It doesn’t matter that he’s the best man I’ve ever met in my entire life. I’m not good for him!” I yell, thumping my fist on the sofa and choking back the tears that have thickened my throat.

  “Yes you are,” George says in his quiet, calming voice.

  I squeeze my eyes shut. I feelguilty for shouting at him.“Sorry.” I whisper.

  “No need.” He says.

  I sigh again and open my eyes. “George,” I say softly. “He’s a good man who deserves a happy, healthy, emotionally balanced woman by his side. You know what I’m like, I self-destruct everything...”

  “That’s your fears talking.” George retorts.

  “I know it’s my fears,” I bark back, gritting my teeth.

  “Coral, I really want you to answer the question. How do you feel about him?”

  “I love him!” I shout. “Is that what you wanted to hear? I’m already in love with him and I’ve only spent a few hours with him and I…” I stop myself there. “It’s best left alone,” I snap.

  “Good, well done Coral.” George praises.

  “How is that good?” I mumble.

  “It’s good because once you open yourself up
to the possibility of a relationship with him, your subconscious will start to work in your favour. You want him, you love him, but your fears are holding you back.”

  I shake my head in wonder.“Why would he want me?” I snap. “I’m nothing, a broken empty vessel. I have nothing to offer him. How can he want someone who doesn’t love themselves, it makes no sense at all. Why the hell would he want this?” I spit, gesturing to all of me.

  “Coral!” George gasps. “I thought we had made progress in this area? Do you still feel like that? Are you still suffering with self-abhorrence issues?” George looks horrified.

  I squeeze my eyes shut. “Yes…no,” I take a deep breath. “He’ll leave me,” I whimper. “I know he will.”

  “You can't know that,” George argues. “And there’s no guarantee in any relationship Coral. They take work, love, openness and commitment, and even then it’s not set in stone. When a person enters into a relationship they do so with a factor of risk. They could be very happy, yet their partner leaves them or vice-versa, nothing is guaranteed in this life, and nobody can say for sure that they will be together until the day they die.” He softly says.

  I swipe at the angry tears that have started to fall down my cheeks, one after the other.

  “Coral, I need you to be honest with me. Are you still in the place you were when we started your sessions? Do you really feel that way about yourself? Have we made no progress at all?”

  I sniff loudly and shake my head at him. “I am a little better George, which has only been possible with your help. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I know me, I know what I’m like. The closer I get to him, the more I’ll start pulling away....” I shake my head and grit my teeth. “I don’t want to hurt him,” I whisper.

  George is frantically writing again.“So what you’re saying is this isn’t about self-abhorrence, it’s about your worth and your fears of him leaving, like your father did?”

  I look up at George with wide, tear stained eyes and slowly nod.

  “Darling girl, you have to start to understand that a relationship with a lover is very different to a parent. If you dated Tristan and he decided it wasn’t working for him; he won’t just disappear like your father did, it doesn’t work that way. And you are worthy.” He adds.