I turn over and hide my head under the duvet, I just want to go back to sleep, but I can't help glancing at my alarm clock, 10.15am – Shit! I’m late for work!
I go into a full blown panic attack and scramble out of bed, stubbing my toe in the process.
“Shit!” Ouch, that really hurt!
I start hopping on one foot, then I freeze, I can hear voices down on the sundeck.
“Coral, can you hear me darling?” Knock, knock, knock.
“Gladys?” I question, not understanding why she’s here. Then it all comes flooding back to me, it’s Saturday – Shit Lily’s party, Gladys is picking me up, shiiiiit!
I grab my robe, wrap it around me, and dash down the stairs.I am mortified. Gladys and Malcolm are stood on the sundeck, and they look like they are being baked alive – How long have they been there?
I scramble for my keys out of my bag, dash over and un-lock the patio door, yanking it open in the process, the heat almost knocking me over as I do.
“Sorry, sorry...come in,” I usher with my hands. “Mornin’ Bob,” I grab hold of him and pull him in too, as he’s stood there looking as though he doesn’t know what to do with himself.
I slam the door shut, then I dash over to the air-con and switch it onto full power. As I turn back around, I see Malcolm and Bob exchange a smirk.
“What’s that?” Gladys asks, fanning herself.
“Air-con’ it’ll soon cool down,” I say feeling guilty. “Sorry, overslept, help yourselves to drinks.” I say as I walk into the bathroom and slam the door behind me.Oh god, how embarrassing!
Then I see myself in the mirror – Holy crap!
My hair literally looks like I’ve been electrocuted, it’s sticking up all over the place – What the hell did I do in my sleep last night? No time - no time to think about that, shower Coral – Right yes shower! Just as I turn it on another thought comes to mind – Damn it!
I yank the bathroom door back open and see that Malcolm is already making drinks for everyone.
“Coffee Coral?” He’s trying so hard not to laugh.
“No thanks – Gladys!” I screech.
“What!?” She jumps half a mile and stares back at me in wonder.
“I didn’t wrap the presents!” I bellow.
“Coral!” She softly scolds.
“I know, I know, terrible aunty and all that. But it’s not just mine,” I say, lifting the bags that hold the presents from the side of my sofa. “It’s mine, Bobs and Rob’s,” I squeak.
“Alright darling calm down, I’ll wrap, you shower.” Gladys soothes.
I finally breathe.“Oh...good...ok, thanks Gladys.” I say my heart settling down. I hand her the wrapping paper, sellotape and scissors.
“Which is which?” Gladys asks, I quickly point out who’s bought what, then dash over to the kitchenette, grab a large glass and fill it with my pre-made veggie juice.
“That looks disgusting.” Bob pipes up.
“It good for you,” I bark back.
I hear him chuckling hard as I dash back into the bathroom and slam the door shut. I have the quickest shower on record, cream my skin from head to toe, apply my makeup, add coconut-oil to my hair, pull my robe back on and dash back upstairs, noticing that Gladys, Malcolm, and Bob all seem very relaxed as they sit discussing the merits of air-conditioning, and how useful they are – I panic for a second, I hope Gladys doesn’t ask me anything about it – I don’t think I’ll be able to hide the fact that Tristan bought it for me.
Pushing that thought aside, I dash up the stairs.
Twenty minutes later I am ready, and making one last check in the mirror.I’ve decided to go casual because it’s a kid’s party, and well truthfully, I need to take a visit to the launderette. So I pulled on my only pair of jean shorts that I’ve had forever, as it’s too hot for jeans, a t-shirt and my flip-flops. Grabbing my hoody just in-case it gets chilly later, I make my way down the stairs.
“Ready,” I say still feeling flustered.Malcolm and Bob both stand, I walk over to them, giving them both a kiss on the cheek and a normal un-rushed good morning, then I turn to Gladys and hug her hard.“Thank you,” I say again.
Gladys chuckles and pats me on the back.“Well come on then, we’re late as it is.”
I grab my bag and my keys, and leaving the air-con on low we all usher out of the studio. I notice Malcolm has hold of the presents – I roll my eyes at myself, that would have been the next thing I would have forgotten –locking the door behind me, we all turn to make our way to the car.
Walking in front of me Gladys links her arm in Malcolm’s, and for a moment I feel a pang of jealousy – Why can't I be that free and happy?
I guess Bob must have picked up on it because he stops, and holds his arm out to me with a big smile on his face. I smile back at him and curl my arm around his; I’m instantly surprised by how firm his arm feels.
“Bob, do you work out?” I ask, finding my sunglasses and popping them on.
“Yes, every morning.” He smiles.
“Really, what do you do?” I ask feeling quite shocked.
“Calisthenics.” What?
“Oh!” I say not wanting to say I don’t know what that is. But Bob is too wise for that, he chuckles again and pats my hand.
“Squats, press-ups, crunches, that sort of thing,” he says. I decide the moment I’m home I’ll check it out on the web.
“Cool, good for you. You can tell,” I say squeezing the muscle on his arm.
“A compliment,” Bob says raising his chin in the air. “Sure feel proud to have you on my arm Coral.” He’s such a smoothie.
“Ah Bob, me too,” I say and kiss his cheek again. I wish he were my Granddad!
We make it to the car at a much slower pace than we would have done, Bob maybe fit but he doesn’t walk as quickly as he used to.
“Gladys, have you told Debs yet?” I ask wondering if she’s shared their news.
“No darling, taken the ring off,” she says wiggling her hand at me.
“Oh, ok!” I frown, wondering why she hasn’t, it seems a little odd to me. “When are you going to tell her?” I enquire.
“Soon,” she answers. Humph! “Gosh, isn’t it such a beautiful day for the barbeque,” Gladys smiles, changing the subject.
“Barbeque?” I frown.
“Yes dear, you know what they’re like. They asked Lily if she wanted sandwiches, ice-cream and jelly and she said no, she wanted Daddy’s burgers,” Gladys chuckles. “Ten years older than she is that one!”
I roll my eyes. If it had been my kid they would have got what they got. What are you talking about Coral? You’re never going to have kids! I chastise, knowing it’s true.
As we head west on the A259 towards Worthing, I let my mind drift. Gladys and Bob are in animated discussion about some political thing going on and I am not interested in the slightest, people get so agitated about all that stuff. Life’s stressful enough without barking on about what some fat cat in a suit has been up to.
I think about Rob and the fact that I still haven’t heard from him, even after sending him a quick text in the car last night, and again this morning while I was frantically getting dressed, quite frankly, it’s just rude not to reply and let me know he’s ok.
Then I think about everything I discussed with George, finally letting him know about...I shut the door on that thought, but at least it’s out there now and I can start healing. I cross my fingers as I think about the upcoming hypnotherapy session, I really hope it works, I really do want to move on from all the crap that swirls around in my head, from all the insecure feelings that hold me back from really living life to the full, taking chances, being brave and not feeling so afraid all the time.
Thinking about it all makes me want to start the hypnotherapy straight away if I can, so I pull my mobile out my bag and send a quick message to George, he instantly texts me back saying that Cindy Crosby is away for the weekend but he has left a message, so we should hear somethin
g back on Monday.
My stomach drops, what if I have to wait ages? I don’t want to do that? But I’m very much like that, once I get an idea in my head I go for it full force. So I text George again asking if he thinks there’s any chance I’ll get in for a session next week. He says yes, but it will more than likely be a daytime slot that’s free. I text him thanks and make a mental note to tell Joyce about it, I’m sure she’ll give me the time off that I need.
And then my mind drifts again to Tristan - Oh Tristan, Tristan, Tristan, what am I going to do about you?
The dream comes back to me, and I’m instantly transported into my own little world, our little world. I still remember it all so clearly, the boat, the water, the beautiful scenery and Tristan looking like, well the sexiest man I have ever seen. But the feeling, oh that beautiful feeling!
I have never felt so serene in my entire life, so I have to question – Could I really have such serenity? Could I really feel that blissfully happy with Tristan?
And the resounding answer is – Yes, I could.
I swallow hard at that thought. My head starts to argue with me of course, all the usual stuff, that I’m not good enough, that I’m un-lovable, that I’m a freak and how could such a gorgeous, successful man be interested in the likes of me. I’m nothing, I’m – “Stop!” I shout, scolding myself.
Malcolm slams on the break and we all lurch forward, luckily there’s no-one behind us, so we don’t get hit.
“Sorry, sorry!” I frantically say, Malcolm pulls over and lets the car idle.
“Are you alright Coral?” he asks turning in his seat, appraising me.
I run my hands through my hair. “Yeah, I’m fine...I was just talking out loud. I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean for you to...” I shake my head at myself. I can see he’s trying to work out if I really am ok.
“Coral that was really silly,” Gladys shouts. “You almost gave me a heart-attack, and we could have had an accident!” She bellows.
“I know, I know.” I say feeling guilty.
Malcolm pulls back out into traffic, and I decide to keep a lid on my wayward thinking. But five minutes in, they continue their discussion on the economy and the state of the EU, and I’m drifting off again...So what conclusion did I come to?
I think all these stupid things about myself but should I let that stop me, or should I just give Tristan a go, have a date with him. My hands start to shake in nervous anticipation, just thinking about it being real makes me feel a little nauseous.
Ok, so maybe I could do that, but what about...sex? What about when that time comes, I made Justin wait way too long, would Tristan wait?
Somehow I doubt that, then I doubt that doubt. If a man really cares for a woman and an attachment is growing between them, then doesn’t he also have respect for that woman? And if he does, then wouldn’t he want to go at her pace? What are you talking about Coral? How many times have you imagined having sex with him?
I finally admit the truth to myself, way too many times! And did it feel, scary? Were you frightened?In the fantasies – No, I wasn’t, it felt good and close and intimate and...I feel myself starting to get turned on in a car with Gladys and Malcolm and Bob – Ew! Stop!
I sigh heavily and picture a load of doughnuts so it takes the sexy, hot image of Tristan and I...Oh fuck its back!
Ok, ok! Let’s just think about all this logically.
You want him? – Yes.
So you’re going to say yes to a date with him? – Yes.
Then I think it’s going to be a whole month until I see him again, that’s just too long. So how do I make contact with him without coming across and needy or desperate, which I’m not…I’m just...well totally hot for him – Oh my God!
Yep, I finally admitted it.
Then I think about what I said to George last night, that I love him, that I’m in love with him. I still don’t understand how that can be, I hardly know him, then I think about what George said.
“Talk to him, tell him about yourself, bit by bit”
Can I do that? You don’t have any other choice, you want him to know you, understand you then you have to let him in, take the chance.
My hands start shaking again, boy that’s a scary thing to do.
Yep sure is! But let’s face it you want to be on your own? You want to be a lonely old lady who looks back on her life with regret? And angry with herself because she was a coward who didn’t face her fears, and live her life to the fullest? Is that what you want Coral?
I finally succumb to my own brutal words. No, no, I don’t want any of that, no way. I want love and friendships and family and happiness!
Do you think you deserve it?
I’m still in two minds about that one, but I guess I’ll soon find out. Then it comes to me – I have bought Tristan a painting, so I can just casually call him up, see if he got the house, and if he did, I could what?
Go round give him the painting? No seems too obvious!
Hmm...I could help him move in? No, he’ll have people to do that for him!
Ok, I could help him buy furniture for his new pad? I know all the best places. Yes! That could definitely work, I feel like punching my hand in the air, but decide it’s best not to do that, Gladys will probably bollock me again!
My feet do a little tap dance all of their own and a stupid grin spreads across my face. Then I remember Bob is sat in the back with me, but when I peek at him out of the corner of my eye, I see he is snoozing. Phew that was lucky!
Feeling absolutely positive about my decision, I allow the dream to come back to me, I close my eyes and surrender to its beauty...
THE CAR STOPS PULLING ME FROM MY DAY-DREAM. I feel annoyed that I have to go back to reality. I hop out the car then run around it to help Bob out.
“Thank you darling,” he croaks, still a little sleepy.
As I turn us both around I notice a For Sale sign is up outside Debs house, that’s odd, Debs hasn’t said anything to me about moving, I instantly feel pissed off about it. Why hasn’t she told me this?
I take hold of Bob’s arm and help him up the steps to the front door, Gladys rings the bell. I cringe when I hear the screaming coming from the back garden. Scott opens the door and welcomes us all in. We all trail through the house and into the kitchen, looking out I can see the garden is already packed with adults and so many kids – Lily must be really popular at her nursery.
Gladys and Malcolm take Bob outside, and I’m about to follow when someone flicks my ear.
What the fuck?– I spin around and see Debs grinning at me.
“Hey trouble,” she chuckles.
“Not funny!” I grumble back.
Debs pulls me into her and hugs me hard. “It’s been ages,” she says.
“I know.” I roll my eyes and pull out of her hug. “So it’s pretty packed out there huh?”
“Yeah....Lily’s well happy,” she says, her eyes glistening over.
“So what’s with the sale sign?” I gripe.
“Scott got a promotion...we um....wanted a bigger place,” she answers nonchalantly, but I can tell there’s something more, something I’m missing, so I decide to probe.
“So you’re just getting a bigger place in Worthing?”
“Well....no,” Debs instantly looks flustered.
“What’s going on Debs?” I snap, crossing my arms as I do.
“Nothing,” she squeaks. “We probably will stay in Worthing, it just depends what we can get for this place.” I scowl at her, for some reason I don’t believe her.
“So why didn’t you tell me?” I question. “I mean if it’s no big deal why not just tell...” I trail off, suddenly thinking of Malcolm, when Debs just saw him; it was as though they had met before.“You know!” I hiss feeling angry and betrayed that Gladys has done this.
“Know what?” She hisses back.
“About Malcolm,” I growl quietly through gritted teeth.
“So!” She whines.
“What d
o you mean so?” I hiss even more vehemently.
“For god’s sake Coral, why do you think Mom told me and not you, hmm?”
I glare back at Debs, we are almost nose to nose.“Why don’t you enlighten me?” I growl more threateningly.
“Don’t you dare look at me like that,” she snaps, her voice wobbling slightly.
“Like what?” I hiss again.
“Like you want to punch me in the face, you really piss me off sometimes you know that. You and your effing temper!” Debs goes to storm off, but I grab her by the arm and stop her.
I take a deep breath and exhale.“Tell me why Debs,” I implore. She shakes her head and closes her eyes, when she reopens them she’s looking at me in the strangest way.
“Because you over-react to everything,” she sighs. “And Mom wanted to make sure what she had was going to be something permanent before she told you, maybe if you relaxed a bit more, weren’t so wound up all the time she might have...” Debs throws her hand up in the air. “You know what, I can’t be dealing with this at the moment. I’ve got a birthday party to run.” She pulls her arm out of my grip, we glare at each other for a moment.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” I whisper.
Debs shakes her head at me and walks off into the sunshine. I turn away from the party and take several deep breaths to calm myself down, I’m about to go and have it out with Gladys when – “Aunty Coral!” A sweet little voice screams.
I turn just in time to catch Lily who has launched herself into my arms. Why is she wearing a swimming costume?
“Hey kiddo, happy birthday.” I say cheerfully.
“Thank you.” She smiles sweetly at me and kisses my cheek.
“Have you opened any of your presents yet?” I ask.
“No. Mommy says later, after Daddy’s burgers,” she moans.
“Ah well, Mommy knows best,” I tell her, not agreeing at all.
Lily scrambles down out of my arms and pulls on my hand.“Come see, come see!” she screeches tugging me along.We make our way outside, through the patio area, and into the hundred foot garden. Whoa! How did I not notice that!
Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him Page 27