I hear Tristan move to stand behind me. I feel the warmth of his body heating my skin; it’s a clear indication of how close he is. I turn around and gaze up into his eyes, he gazes back at me. I hesitate for a moment feeling torn, I'm still not sure if I'm capable of anything.
“Well, I guess I better get going,” he says, looking torn. No, don’t leave!
“I was thinking about going for a walk, get some fresh air.” I tell him decision made.
“Yeah...sounds nice.” He says shyly.
“Care to join me?” I ask.
His amazing deep dimpled smile appears. “Love to.” I can't help the grin that starts to spread across my face, giving my feelings away, we walk back inside the studio, Tristan closing the door behind him.“I’d like to get cleaned up first though.” Tristan says.
“Yeah, I could do with a shower too.” I say. Why am I feeling shy and nervous?
“Can I stay the night?” he asks.
My mouth pops open – Is he asking what I think he’s asking?
“I’ll take the sofa,” he clarifies. “I just want to make sure you’re ok,” he says with his puppy dog eyes that instantly smolder me – Holy crap!
“And get you to the doctor’s tomorrow,” he adds.I don’t even have to think about it, now he’s here, I don’t want him to leave – at all.
“I’d like that.” I whisper.
Tristan grins widely at me, making my stomach flip over again.“Good. Now stay here, and don’t do anything. I’m going to dash over to the hotel, grab a change of clothes and then I’ll be back.”
My face falls and my heart sinks.Tristan takes the couple of steps needed to be next to me and gently takes hold of my face between his hands. “Hey, I will come back,” he says running his thumbs across my cheekbones.
“You will?” I tremble.
“Yes.” He whispers. “Try keeping me away.” His hands hold my face steady, as his eyes bore into mine. Is he going to kiss me?
I surrender and close my eyes.I feel Tristan gently kiss my cheek, then his hands disappear from my face. Whoa!
I open my eyes and watch him walk through the patio door, then disappear from view. I can't help wondering if I actually am still dreaming? My head feels light and giddy, my cheek is tingling from his kiss, and my stomach is full of butterflies. But more than that, the strange soul sensation that I’ve been getting whenever I think of Tristan suddenly feels empty and barren, just like I have always felt.
Strange – I didn’t feel like that when Tristan was here. It’s like, when he’s here he fills me up and the emptiness kind of...disappears, and when he’s gone...I decide I don't want to dwell on that too deeply. I look around my studio, this place looks a mess. I’d better do some cleaning up.
Clearing my coffee table, I throw the leftover pancakes in the bin, then I wash and dry up the cups. Picking up my quilt and pillows, I carefully make my way up the stairs, as I’m remaking my bed with my quilt, I catch my reflection in the mirror. I seriously need some heavy makeup to hide the bruises.
I quickly strip my clothes off me, throw them in the wash basket and pull on my robe. I need a shower and a change of clothes, that’s for sure. I poke around in my closet and find my chocolate cords, my long sleeved fitted mocha t-shirt, and throw them on the bed.
Heading downstairs, I take a long leisurely shower, tenderly washing my hair so as not to start the headache off again, I don’t want to rock the boat as my head seems to be improving.
As I’m rubbing my body with shower cream, I think about Tristan coming back. I think about us taking a walk together. I think about him taking my hand in his. I think about his tender kiss on my cheek. I think about what it felt like when my hand was in his.
My body flutters with excited tingles, literally from head to toe. I giggle and roll my eyes at myself. Now I’m the one acting like a love-struck teenager, not Gladys!
I wonder for a moment if that’s what this is, some silly crush? But if I’m completely honest with myself, I know it’s not that. After all, I admitted to George that I’m in love with him – I still can’t work out how that’s possible, but just being near Tristan makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Then I think about what George said to me about giving it a try, and how I argued with him that I’d self-destruct it, that all my fears and insecurities would come rushing to the surface, and in truth I thought they would. I thought my own self- preservation would kick in, to protect myself from any further pain or hurt, but it feels like all that worry and anguish literally melts away when I’m with Tristan.
He makes me feel whole, normal...well as normal as I can be…
I AM SAT ON MY BED slowly drying my hair. I have showered, creamed my skin, cleaned my teeth (again) put on my makeup, deodorant and perfume, and dressed ready for the walk. I am almost feeling human again.I can't help sneaking a peak at the time on my alarm clock. Tristan’s been gone an hour now. I hope he’s ok? Just as I think that, I hear the patio door slide open.
“Coral?” I hear the worry in his voice.
“Up here,” I shout. Tristan darts up the stairs his eyes searching for me.
When he sees me, I can visibly see his shoulders relax, his eyes melt like butter. I notice his five a clock shadow is gone and that he’s changed.He smells fresh, of shower gel and aftershave, but his own distinct smell is over-powering those, making me tingle all over again, and he looks good, really good! He’s dressed in a pair of dark blue jeans that he’s matched with a light beige t-shirt, and a zip-up hoody over the top. He looks...Irresistible!
I switch the hairdryer off, I think my hair is dry enough.
Tristan crosses his arms and frowns down at me.“I thought I said stay put,” he says, trying to look crossly at me.
I smile sweetly at him and shrug.“I get bored easily, and I wanted a shower. So that’s what I did after I cleaned up,” I say pulling on my Echo walking boots. “Besides you changed your mind didn’t you,” I quarrel.
“I did?” He questions.
“Yes. You said you’d be right back, yet you showered at the hotel.” I pout.
“Ah yes! I did, guilty as charged,” he says mockingly.
“What, my tiny bathroom not good enough for you?” I bite.
“Don’t be daft. By the time I was there...well I just thought’ – “You thought what?” I interrupt crossing my arms defensively, mimicking his body language.
“All my gear was already in the bathroom, it just seemed quicker that’s all. I’m sorry.” He says intently, his eyes searching mine.
“Don’t do that again, you had me worried.” I scold.
“I won’t, I promise.” Ugh I hate that word.
“I don’t want promises Tristan, they can be broken. Give me your word.”
Tristan frowns at me.“Alright you have my word.” He solemnly says.
I instantly forgive him and uncross my arms. Tristan smiles, then comes and sits next to me on the bed.“You look beautiful,” he softly says. “But you should have waited for me, what if you’d have hurt yourself or lost your balance?” I gaze up at him and titter.
“Tristan, I’m not made of glass, besides I’m feeling a lot better that I was earlier.” I tell him, then I look down and notice he’s wearing Echo boots too. “Snap,” I say putting my left foot next to his right.
“They’re good boots.” He says nodding in agreement.
“Indeed they are. Did you want a drink before we go?” I ask politely.
“Right now I’m good, had a coffee at the hotel,” he says. “But I thought we could have something while we’re out?” He adds.
“Like what?” I ask.
Tristan shrugs. “Whatever we feel like?” I smile back at him. He’s so easy going, I really feel like I can be myself with him. In that very moment, as we silently gaze at one another, I decide to let him know a little bit more about me. Bit by bit!
We head downstairs and I place my shoulder bag over my head. Checking I’ve got my keys, my p
urse, and some Nurofen we make our way out.
“So where are we off to?” He asks.
“Somewhere I’m sure you’ve never been.” I smile popping the keys in my bag.
“I think I’ve walked on a beach before.” He drawls sarcastically at me.
“This isn’t a beach walk.” I retort dryly.
We head north towards The Master Mariner, as we reach it we turn east onto Undercliff Walk. It’s a beautiful little gem of a walk, stretching right from the Marina all the way to Saltdean. As we reach the end of the Marina and carry on walking, Tristan stops and questions me.
“We’re not going on the beach?” He asks.
“Nah, gets a little crowded when it’s warm like this.”
“So where does this lead?” He asks looking a little worried.
I chuckle and nudge him. Then I decide I could give him a little local history, turning around so I'm walking backwards, I smile at Tristan and begin.
“Ok, so this is called Undercliff Walk, as you can see’ – I say playing air hostess with my arms to the right – ‘this is the seawall, in the 1930’s the council decided they needed to do something with the cliff as it was eroding so badly, so the seawall was built. Of course to my left’ – I fling my arms again like an air-hostess – ‘you have the sea. It’s so cool to walk along here in the winter, the waves really come up high and the spray soaks you.” I chuckle.
“That sounds kind of dangerous,” Tristan says darkly. “You could get washed out to sea,” he adds.
I roll my eyes at him and continue.“This bright white flat, concrete pathway goes all the way down to Saltdean, there’s a really cute café at Ovingdean; we can stop there for a coffee if you want?”
“Sure.” Tristan smiles shyly at me, places his hands in his pockets and gazes at me in that strange way of his, like he’s seeing straight through me.
I try to ignore it and continue. “So when the tide is out a sprawling city of rock pools are revealed, and the remnants of the old Volks Railway can be seen; it’s tracks used to run through the sea. The train had spider legs that elongated, they rose up and up; it’s feet would be in the water and the carriage in the air.”
“What happened to it?” Tristan asks animatedly.
“I know that a week after opening in 1896, a huge storm hit, and it collapsed. I remember reading they got it all up and running again, but it cost the company a lot of money and then I kind of remember something I learned at school about some groynes being built right near it and it damaged the track, and that it was too costly to move it all to another place. It didn’t have electric motors so when the tide was in the whole thing would grind to a halt.”
I shake my head in laughter. “Can you imagine being stuck eighty feet in the air with the sea beneath you, and not being able to get off for hours, because the damn thing won’t move? They had some crazy ideas back then.” I chuckle.
Tristan is gazing at me again.
“What?” I ask shyly.
“You look very beautiful and free with the wind in your hair, the sun making it shine when it comes out.” I stop walking. Tristan doesn’t, and as he reaches me he picks me up and swings me around, making me giggle.
Then placing me back down, he puts his arm around my shoulders, squeezes me tight and kisses my temple. I wrap my arm around his waist, and revel in the feel of it. It just feels so nice not to be walking on my own, and so comfortable with him. The conversation between us just seems to flow so easily.
We carry on walking and I’m enthralled as Tristan tells me all about going to University, studying law and opening up his first company. I tell him about Joyce giving me my first job and how I liked it so much that I stayed. But as we walk along, I can’t help noticing the looks we are getting. It’s starting to make me feel self-conscious. Maybe a walk wasn’t such a good idea!
Some of the women are really glaring at me some are looking at me as though they feel sorry for me. And I can see the men are sizing Tristan up, wondering if he’s the one that’s messed my face up like this.
“People are staring at us.” I hiss, feeling utterly incensed they would be thinking that.
“Don’t worry about it.” Tristan tells me but I can see from his countenance that he’s hiding how uncomfortable it’s making him feel. As if he would do anything like this to a woman. Those men, if you can call them that, are weak, soul-less, insecure jerks.
“How long until we get to the café?” Tristan asks.
“Thirsty?”
“No, just wondering?” He says casually.
“About another twenty minutes.” I say looking out to sea.
“Tell me about yourself Coral?” Oh Crap, here we go!
“What do you want to know?” I ask, trying not to let my defensive wall come up.
“I don’t know....stuff?” Tristan says shrugging.
“Tristan,” I stop walking and turn him around to face me. “Why don’t you just ask what you really want to know,” I say, trying to put on as much of a brave face as I can.
“I don’t want to rock the boat,” he says grimly. “You’re very defensive. And I’m sure you have every right to be’ – “Tristan, just...” I run my hands through my hair. “Ok, when I talked to George about you, he said I’ll never know what kind of potential we could have if I don’t let you in, and that you’ll always feel like you never know if you’re going too far or saying the wrong thing...” I close my eyes, trying to balance myself and calm my scattered thoughts.
“Sorry, I’ve never been too good with getting out what I actually want to say, it just kind of sticks in my head and stays there.” I shake my head to try and shake off the bad thoughts.“Ask away Tristan, if it’s too hard a question I just won’t answer.” I say hoping I’ve placated him.
Tristan holds my face in his hands again and strokes my cheeks with his thumbs. “Why were you adopted Coral? What happened to your parents?” He asks, his eyes searching mine, his expression intense.
“That’s two questions.” I breathe.
“Right, two,” he says staring down at me.
My old instincts try kick in, to get out of his hold, to run, so I don’t have to talk about the past or deal with hard questions. So I fight them, because I want Tristan more than I’ve ever wanted anyone or anything in my entire life. I nod slowly to him. Tristan releases me, then takes hold of both my hands, my breathe hitches with the contact.
“Ok.” I take a deep breath and exhale slowly, we are stood face to face my hands in his, this feels safe enough to talk about. “I was four when my Dad left, I think he’d had enough of my Mom – of course, I was too young to really to know why, but I think it must have been the same for Kelly’s Dad too, because he left when Kelly was six, or so she told me.
“I have this really weird memory of going downstairs because I was thirsty, and Dad had some woman in the house. Mom was a nurse she was working at the hospital, night shift I guess. Of course, now I’m an adult, I understand it completely. He was having an affair with her,” I drift off for a moment remembering the woman, she was pretty, really pretty and she seemed like fun too, I remember them laughing a lot, Mom always looked like crap and hardly ever laughed.
“What did your Dad do?” Tristan asks staring at the concrete walkway. “Sorry, do you even remember?”
“Salesman, but I don’t know what he sold. I think the woman he left my Mom for was his secretary, but that’s usually how it goes right?”
“Why don’t you call Gladys Mom?” I frown hard.
“B-because I wouldn’t...my Mother’ – I hiss – ‘was a waste of space, I wouldn’t...no I couldn’t call Gladys by that title, she is so much more than that to me. Angel would be a better word for her...”
“Why do you say that?” Tristan asks.
“Because she saved me Tristan, in so many ways…she was perfect for a girl like me.I’d be dead if it wasn’t for her. I’d have gone down the wrong path, you know drink, drugs, whatever it took to make the pain an
d the rage disappear.” I shake my head remembering back then.“Gladys taught me how to deal with my feelings, my emotions. But above all she taught me how to laugh, she taught me that it was ok to be silly and childish, she gave me a way to deal with the problems, by using laughter.” I let out a long breath.
“That’s a damn good idea.” Tristan says in surprise.
“Shall we?” I say, gesturing to walk on with my chin.
“Yes.” Tristan releases one of my hands, but grips the other tightly, my breath hitches again.
“Do you see your Dad?” He asks innocently.
“No!” I bark, then sigh. “When he left, he called a couple of times, but…” I shake my head at the memory. “Not long before I came to Gladys’s my Mom told me I’d never see him again, that he had a new family. I guess it meant he’d had more kids.” I shrug looking at the concrete walkway.
“Jesus, some parents are real assholes,” Tristan says solemnly.
Just as he says that a woman walks towards us with a can of lager in one hand, cigarette in the other, the man that she’s with is doing the same. Neither of them are taking any notice of the disheveled looking toddler, who trips over and scrapes his knees on the concrete, he screams in pain, and instead of either of them comforting him, they start shouting at him, then start swearing at each other – Poor kid!
Tristan and I glance at one another, no doubt both thinking the same thing. I want to help the child, give him some comfort, some stability, but I can tell by the parents that it could turn nasty. I shake my head and get back to our conversation.
“Yeah, they are. But as George reminds me when I get mad about it, that the past is the past and the future is the future. You can’t control, change or re-write either. Focusing on the present is the only thing that’s important, the here and now. I can let my past dictate who I am, or I can take charge, and become the person I want to be.
“It’s not easy, there are days when I really struggle, I think it’s the why more than anything, well actually no, it’s the how too. That’s why I find it so bitter-sweet being around Lily. I mean I love her, absolutely adore her, of course I know her parents do too. But when I look at her, I can’t help thinking how can any adult have a child, and then abandon it? Surely there’s like this protective thing that kicks in, you know, like you want to protect that child, take care of it; teach it right from wrong. I can’t wrap my head around it all.” I say shaking my head again.
Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him Page 32