“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” he asks, his tone sharp.
“Tell you what?” He pulls his arm from underneath me and leans up onto his elbow, so he’s hovering over me, then he cocks one eyebrow up at me – Oh that!
“Do you think it’s something I’m proud of?” I gripe. “I made a mistake, a stupid mistake and it cost me.” I bite. Why is he asking about this now?
Tristan sighs deeply and closes his eyes for a moment.
“Besides,” I grin, feeling ecstatic. “I didn’t freak out!”
“Freak out?” he says darkly. Ok, so how do I put this?
“I talked to George about you, from the very moment we met, I knew I wanted you, but I wasn’t sure how I could even begin to…to have something, to be with you sexually. Sometimes I have nightmares about what happened,” I quietly admit.
“Fuck!” He hisses and squeezes his eyes shut, when he opens them, I can see they are full of turmoil. He leans down and presses his lips hard against mine; it’s just not painful.
“I guess it’s not something that’s easy to say,” he murmurs against my lips.
“No it wasn’t. I was afraid…afraid that if we were going well and I told you, I’d lose you,” I admit.
“That’s not going to happen Coral,” he softly scolds.
“Why did you react the way you did? You scared me.”
“I know and I’m sorry about that, I just...if I could find him...” Tristan drifts off again.
“Don’t,” I say pressing my finger to his lips.
“Did you go to the police?” he asks,taking my fingers in his.“Report it?”Here we go!
“No.” I gaze down at his bare chest.
He gasps in shock.“Why the hell not Coral?” he snaps, lifting my chin so I have to look at him.
“I told you, I tried to find him but...I think everything he said to me was a lie,” I whisper.
Tristan grits his teeth.“So I’ll never find him,” he hisses.
“I don’t think so,” I answer. “But like I said, even if I did know who he was, you know how the system works, it would have been my word against his…” I sigh heavily.“I know that sounds bad, he could be doing the exact same thing to some other girl right now, but it’s who I am and how I handle things. I’m very good at blocking out bad things that happen, repressing them.”
Tristan closes his eyes and pinches his nose, then he sighs heavily, and gazes down at me.“Did you tell anyone?” I shake my head.“You went through it alone?” he gasps in horror.
“I had no choice,” I tell him.
“What do you mean?You have Gladys, your sister!” he barks. I can see he’s angry again.
“Tristan don’t…please, I...I think to be fair, I was in shock,” I whisper.
He shakes his head in exasperation at me. How do I make him understand that what happened then, was nothing compared to what happened to me as a child.
“I find it hard to....to open up to people. I'm very private,” I say sheepishly.
“You didn’t trust your mother or sister?” he snaps questioningly.
“Adopted mother and sister,” I clarify sarcastically.
“Don’t be a smart arse,” he scolds. “And stop trying to change the subject!” he barks.
I shake my head in exasperation. “Fine! I tried to handle it on my own for a few weeks, it happened just before I got the studio. I figured I could handle it, then I realised I wasn’t coping so well, so that’s when I found George.” I blurt out.
“And he knows?” He questions.
I nod my head. “I couldn’t tell him straight away, I was too...ashamed,” I whisper.
“Well if you didn’t talk about that right away, what did you talk about?”
Shit! Me and my big mouth! – I suddenly feel trapped. I don’t want Tristan to know about that part of my past. I don’t want him to know how much of a freak I am, or at least, that I feel like it.
“Other things,” I whisper, staring out into space.
“Like what?” I try to struggle out of his arms. “Why do I get the feelings that there’s more?” he asks sharply.
“Tristan don’t, ok!” I snap. “You know more about me than anyone else ever has. Can’t you just be satisfied with that?”
Tristan glares back at me.
I pull him close to me again. “Please Tristan, I don’t want to fight. I know that must have been a shock to hear, and you probably feel really angry about it’ – “More like helpless,” he interrupts, his voice acerbic, his eyes staring back at me with a look I’ve never seen before. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Is it pity, remorse, hate?
“I just...I want to make you safe,” he tells me in a softer tone.
“You do!” I try to reason with him but I can see a veil creeping over his face. “Please don’t pull away from me,” I whisper. “Don’t shut down on me.”
“What do you expect?” he answers sharply. “You won’t let me in, it’s very frustrating.”
“There’s nothing you can do anyway, except to keep loving me and being with me the way you have been. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world, don’t spoil it.”
“Spoil it?” he spits. That’s it, I’m done. I want to go home!
Pulling out of his arms, I get out of bed,pick up my clothes and head towards the bathroom, but Tristan stops me by wrapping his arms around me.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, squeezing me tight. “Don’t go.” He turns me around and stares down at me, then softly strokes my cheek. “Stay,” he whispers, gently running his knuckle down my cheek.
“No, you need some time to process this and’ – “I’m sorry, stay… please,” he interrupts.
Leaning down he presses his lips hard against mine - it’s almost painful again.“Please, don’t leave me again,” he murmurs against my lips, the tremble in his voice makes my resolve instantly falter.
“Ok,” I whisper, feeling exhaustion wash over me.
I guess no sleep, and no food over the past couple of days is finally catching up with me. I feel like I could sleep through the whole weekend. I walk around the bed, dropping my clothes on the floor, and climb under the quilt.
We both lie on our sides gazing at each other, not touching.
“I wish I could take it away,” he whispers.
“You do, you just don’t know you do.”
“How?”
“By being you, by loving me the way you do. It makes all the bad things kind of disappear.”
His mouth pops open in shock.“All the bad things?”Damn it!
“Tristan,” I grumble. He’s getting closer to figuring it out, and I don’t want him to.“Can we talk about something else,” I say frustratingly.
“Like what?”He says, slightly bemused.
“How about how good that was?” I say grinning cheekily at him.His dimples deepen and his lips twitch fighting back a smile, but his eyes are still dark and brooding. “And we’ve only just begun,” I say, closing my eyes.
Then I remember my original question. Shit, what if it wasn’t that good for him?
My eyes flash open meeting his. “It..it was good for you too, right?” I question.
“Coral.” Tristan closes his eyes in frustration and runs his hand through his hair. When he opens his eyes, he leans closer to me, takes my face in his hands and gently kisses me. “Better than I’ve ever known it with anyone else,” he admits.I scan his face trying to detect the lie, but I can’t see anything that would make me think otherwise. I close my eyes and let that answer sink in.
Tristan squeezes me harder, pulling me closer to his solid muscled body.“So you love me,” he whispers into my ear.
I smile, keeping my eyes closed. This is a far better conversation.
“Yeah, god knows why?” I joke.
“I don’t know why either,” he exhales. What?
“What?” My eyes flash open. “Tristan that was a joke,” I admonish.
“You could have any man you want and you
pick me?” He says in astonishment.
“I don’t want anyone else but you,” I whisper, trying to convince him of how I feel, his arms tighten around me. “Sounds like I’m not the only one with issues,” I say observantly.
God knows why he would have issues. He’s loving, caring, sweet, clever, handsome, has a body to die for, plus he’s got a thriving business that’s made him very wealthy. I just don’t get it. What exactly does he think he’s lacking?It’s not love, so what?
I decide to mull it over in the morning, when I’m more straight headed. I can think more clearly and get it out of him, somehow. Whoa! – I suddenly understand Tristan’s perspective of me. How frustrating it is not knowing something about that person, to have them hold a secret that they won’t tell you?
I sigh heavily, maybe someday....someday I’ll tell him.
I sleepily open my eyes and stare up at him.“See you in the morning,” I say, yawning involuntarily.
Tristan smiles, but I can see he’s still deep in thought. I find myself drifting off, I’ve never felt so relaxed, so safe and protected; it’s a beautiful feeling.
“Tristan…” I murmur.
“Yeah baby,” he answers huskily, stroking my hair, my shoulders.
“We need to get a really big pack of condoms tomorrow,” I drawl, sleep taking me before I can hear his reply...
I WAKE UP TO A FLOOD OF SUNSHINE filling the room. My first thought is of Tristan, turning over I reach out for him, only to find he is not there. I lunge forward searching the room for him, listening intently for any sound, any movement, the room is silent except for my shallow breathing.
My heart sinks, then I notice a piece of paper lying on his side of the bed, reaching over I pick it up...
Gone to get breakfast, be back soon. Stay where you are beautiful. Tristan Xxx
I’m instantly flooded with a warm, homely feeling. How sweet of him, but I wish he’d have woken me before he left, that scared me for a second.Stepping out of bed, I wonder idly what time it is.
As I look out through the ceiling height window, I see the sun is high up in the sky, so I know it can’t be too early.
I pad along the bedroom, into the bathroom, and clean myself up after last night’s sexing.
Once I’m done, I walk over to the double sinks and wash my hands, yawning widely as I do, then I look up at myself – Holy crap!
I have panda eyes from my mascara smudging and my hair is standing up all over the place, what a sight! – I’m really glad Tristan hasn’t seen me like this, it’s really not attractive! – I wash my face twice, removing all traces of make-up, clean my teeth and brush the knots out of my hair. Staring back at myself, I feel satisfied that I look half decent, and make my way back to bed.
As I lie on the bed waiting for Tristan’s return, I re-run the events of last night through my mind. I remember him showing me the photos of his folks, the idea I had springs to mind again and I wonder if it’s something I can get done one of the days next week, maybe on my lunch hour?Then I sigh heavily, I have to deal with Susannah next week, Tristan said she is nice, but I know what I’m like, it’s not going to be easy.
Then I think about the fact that for the first time in two years, I had sex, and I didn’t freak out – well I kind of did the first time – but either way, I didn’t the second time.A slight shudder runs through me as I recall walking out on him – I quickly banish the thought.
I close my eyes and think about us making love, Tristan was warm and soft and gentle and a million miles away. I sigh again knowing that is the truth of it. Well, we’re going to do far more practicing this weekend, so hopefully he’ll see that I’m ok.In-fact, I think he did do some good as far as replacing the memories go, the feelings and the emotions, but I’m still not sure if Tristan is going to be the same with me as before, he seemed so distant after I told him that I’d been...I can’t even bring myself to say the word – I can’t believe I told him.
I shudder remembering his reaction and how I felt when I thought he didn’t want me anymore, that was scary, and has made me realise some home truths, what I’ve been denying admitting to myself.
I know now, that no matter what, I simply cannot lose him. I cannot be without him. He is my life now, and I know that only a few days ago, that level of commitment, of being intimate with someone, scared me half to death, but it’s been overtaken by the feeling of losing him, so for me, that is now more scary than committing to this, to us.I sit up and gaze out at the sparkling blue ocean. It’s another beautiful day. I sigh blissfully. Who’d have thought I’d be feeling like this?
I think about synchronicity, how everything seemed to fall into place at exactly the right time so that Tristan could make his way into my life.Joyce leaving, Rob disappearing, colliding with Lily, if it weren’t for all those things happening, I’d be sat in my studio right now, bored and lonely, denying to myself that I wanted someone in my life, constantly convincing myself that I was better off on my own, when the truth is, I’m not, at all.
I shake my head in wonder. Then I get a flashback of Tristan gazing up at me as he moved inside me.Desire explodes within me, I want him again, now. I hear movement downstairs.
He’s back!–Such good timing!
“Coral,” Tristan calls out. He sounds like he’s running up the stairs.
“Morning baby,” I shout back. I hear Tristan chuckle. Then he walks in with a bag and two take-out cups.
“Good morning sleepyhead.” He smiles his deep dimpled smile at me.
I can't help swooning at him.He’s wearing his sweats from last night, a pair of trainers and a white t-shirt that moulds to his broad shoulders and strong muscled arms, but most of all, what hits me more than anything, is his just shagged, disheveled looking hairdo – God he looks good!
“Hey sexy,” I reply flirtatiously.
Tristan chuckles, kicks off his trainers and joins me on the bed.
I instantly feel very naked as he sits there fully dressed, he leans towards me and kisses me softly on the lips.
“Hi,” he says croakily.
“Hi,” I say feeling shy.
He chuckles.“A cappuccino for the lady,” he says handing one to me.
“Thanks,” I squeak.
I take it off him, lean over to place it on the floor, and that’s when I spy my lacy shorts and vest top, I pick them up and shove them under the quilt. Tristan stops what he’s doing, and cocks his head to the side, his lips quirking up at the corners.“What are you doing?” he chuckles.
“Um....” I feel like I’m blushing as he sits there appraising me. “Nothing,” I say pulling my vest top on, and scrambling under the quilt to get my shorts on.
Then I kick the quilt off me, crawl along the bed to him and kiss him hard. All I want to do is have him over, and over again. I am not interested in food –at all.
“Hey,” he chuckles, running his hand down my cheek. “Can we eat first?”
“You’re hungry?” I grumble.
“Yes.” He answers pulling out a large Styrofoam box and handing it to me with a pair of plastic knives and forks, then he does the same for himself.I watch him open his box, which reveals a full English breakfast. Tristan dives into the bag and pulls out two white bags and hands one to me.“Toast,” he says in explanation.
Opening his bag up, he takes a bite of his toast and starts digging into his breakfast. That’s when I know we need to fit food shopping in at some point today. I have to get back to my healthy eating.
“Please eat Coral,” he tells me between mouthfuls. “I can tell you’ve already lost a couple of pounds, I don’t want you wasting away or getting ill.”Damn it, how could he tell?
“Oh, I can tell,” he says, spookily reading me.
I look up at him and see that he’s stopped eating, and has one eyebrow cocked up, just like me. I stifle a giggle and open my box, expecting to have the same, but yet again, Tristan has thought of what I like, and it definitely isn’t a full breakfast. Instead, I have a
n omelette.
I smile broadly at him.“Thank you,” I lean forward and kiss his cheek. Then start digging in, feeling ravenous. Mmm mushroom and spinach omelette, it is delicious, and just what I need after not eating much over the past few days.
“Breakfast in bed,” I smile, thinking how nice this is. “No-one’s ever done that for me,” I add, my voice sounding unintentionally sad.
Tristan looks astonished.“Seriously?” he says his eyes wide.
I shrug.“What about you?” I ask between mouthfuls. Tristan instantly looks uncomfortable, his cheeks flushing slightly. “Ah, you have,” I say guessing right.
“Yes.” He reluctantly answers.
“And who was the lucky lady?” I ask teasingly. He raises one eyebrow at me.“You don’t want to tell me?” I scowl.
“Not really,” he answers darkly, still frowning.
“Why not?” I whisper. Do I really want to know?
“Because it turned out she was...” Tristan breaks off, his cheeks flushing red. I’m starting to notice he does that when he gets mad about something, but I think we’ve been through enough since last night, so I decide to drop it.
“Tristan, don’t worry about it, please.” He looks across at me, I smile tentatively at him.“This is an awesome omelette,” I say in appreciation, trying to change the subject.
“I’m glad you like it,” he muffles between forkfuls.
I look across at Tristan’s box and I’m astonished to see he’s almost finished – I wish he wouldn’t do that – I feel like I should stop too.
“What?” he asks, putting his empty box in the take-out bag.
“You eat really fast,” I say taking another bite.
“I do when I’m hungry,” he admits.
“It’s not good for you, you know.”
“I know.”
“I hate eating on my own.” I say hoping he’ll take this on board.
“Then I shall endeavourto slow down,” he says, smiling his cheeky grin, his dimples deepening.
I shake my head at him and chuckle.As I take the final mouthful of my omelette, Tristan whips the box from underneath me and stuffs it into the bag. Then he holds his hand out for my knife and fork, I silently give them to him, he seems in a hurry, andI don’t know why.
Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him Page 46