Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him

by Clair Delaney

  Giving up on trying to work it all out, I decide to just let it go for now and calm myself down, I’ve got all this week on my own. I'm back at my studio and my routine. I'm sure the answer will become clearer. Then I panic again. What if I change my mind?

  Tristan will hate me, I know he will– Fuckety fuck, fuck!

  Stupid ass Coral, ‘I wanna marry you Tristan’,Why the fuck did you say that? I feel like screaming at myself, slapping myself around the face.I mean, I love Tristan, of that much I am sure – but marriage. Isn’t that just, like, way too soon?

  To attempt to take my mind of it all, I try to concentrate on what I have going on this week.Tristan is going to be away until Friday night. I try not to think too hard about the fact that he won't be here, that I have five whole days and four nights without him, the thought is very sobering, painful - swallowing hard, I try to clear my head and get back to this coming week.

  I’m going to be busy which is good, less time for panicking about – Stop!

  Ok, so I got the photos of Tristan’s folks, which I sneaked out of his wallet this morning. So that’s the first thing to sort, next buy a cocktail dress for Friday night and some decent Lingerie – that’s a must!

  Thirdly, I need to call Gladys and Debs. I need to speak to them both. I could go for lunchtime or see them Wednesday night when I'm free. Then I think that I’d rather have the evening to myself, some time to really think through everything, like who I am and what I want.

  Time alone – I swallow hard, I’m never going to get time alone again.Yeah, but isn’t that the whole point of being in a relationship, getting married, you don’t have to be alone anymore?

  I frown at my own thoughts – I actually like alone time, well some of the time, not all the time, I place my head in my hands again –Fuck, I'm so confused!

  I take a deep breath and try to get back to what I have going on. Training with Will tonight, George and Cindy tomorrow, I want her to work on the dresses again, seems the sex thing has worked itself out.I instantly picture Tristan’s hot, naked body.

  I take several deep breaths attempting to clear my mind of him, and pick my muesli back up, but it’s no good. My mind keeps drifting back to last night, to Tristan proposing to me, and the conversation that followed...

  TRISTAN TAKES A DEEP BREATH IN, then exhales slowly, he seems nervous.

  “Coral, I wanted to ask you something,” he says, staring down at my lips. He’s dead serious, that I can tell.I frown up at him wondering what this is all about.

  “Ok,” I whisper.

  He takes another deep breath. “Coral Stevens, will you do me the honour of being my wife, will you marry me?”

  I stare back at Tristan with wide eyes.“Tristan...I,” I’m lost for words.

  “Say yes,” he urges, his eyes still brooding.I can’t quite believe he’s just asked me, I think I'm in shock!

  “Don’t people move in with each other first? You know….see how it goes before committing?” I squeak.

  “So move in with me,” he says, shrugging slightly.

  I close my eyes. This is way too heavy, and deep.“Don’t you think it’s a bit soon, I mean we’ve only known each other’ – “I know,” he admits, his eyes pleading with me. “Marry me,” he asks again, his voice all husky, sending shivers right down there –Again!

  I gaze back at his big brown eyes. I try to think logically, rationally, but deep down – way deep down inside of me – I already know I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.

  “You said earlier that you wanted that,” he says.

  “I know,” I admit. “And I did mean it, but I just didn’t expect you to ask, not yet anyway.” I balk, trying to think of the right thing to do here.

  Tristan closes his eyes and leans his forehead against mine.“Marry me,” he whispers. “Be my wife, I want you. I love you Coral. I have from the very first moment I met you.” Tristan opens his eyes and kisses the tip of my nose, then continues.

  “Last week when I walked out of your studio, I felt like I was leaving myself behind, like there was a part of me missing, I didn’t understand it at all, until I was next to you again at Lily’s party, because you had already become the missing piece, the love that lights me up inside. I want you, so badly baby.I really want you to give me a chance to show you how much I want you, to take care of you. I want to give you the world Coral, please, let me do that. Let me take care of you. Marry me?” Who can say no to that?

  The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

  “Yes.” What? Coral what are you doing? “Yes, I’ll marry you.” I whisper.

  Tristan’s face almost splits in two, his smile is so wide. Pulling me into him, he kisses me with such a powerful loving force, that I feel like crying – again!

  “I love you,” he croaks, his cheeks blushing as his eyes glisten with unshed tears.Oh my God!

  I take his face in my hands and kiss him tenderly.“I love you too, so much.” This is crazy!

  SOMEONE WALKING INTO THE OFFICE pulls me out of my reverie. I spin in my chair and see Joyce looking oddly at me.

  “Coral, what are you doing, do you have a bad stomach?” She asks me.

  I frown back at her in confusion, then look down and see my arms are gripping my waist. I did not know I was doing that! Did I put my muesli down?

  I stare blankly at her while I wait for my heart to get back to its regular beat, and the butterflies in my stomach to stop swirling. Finally, I take in a ragged breath, I try to talk but nothing comes out, so I clear my throat, and attempt a fake smile.

  “Sorry Joyce, I’m absolutely fine, really I just....” I drift off again. I don’t seem to have much concentration at the moment.

  “Come into my office please,” she asks firmly. I swallow hard and follow her in.“Shut the door.” I close it behind me then turn to face the music, only when I see Joyce, her face is full of elation not condemnation.

  “Darling, did you have a good weekend?” she titters.

  “Um...I, well yes,” I murmur.

  “I'm glad, but you seem a little pre-occupied. Try to keep your head together while you’re at work please.” I gaze blankly back at Joyce. “Coral!” Her loud voice snaps me out of it.

  “S-Sorry,” I whisper then frown at myself – Get a grip! “Yeah, no, I will,” I say, nodding at Joyce;she’s still frowning at me.

  “Very well, back to your desk.” Joyce tells me firmly.

  I nod, then quickly scurry out of her office.

  Back at my desk, I pick up my muesli in a vain attempt to try eating.I put the spoon in the bowel, fill it with muesli and lift it to my lips, but I drift off again, thinking about how much more I revealed to Tristan last night…

  CHAPTER TEN

  WE ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM, ON THE SOFA. Tristan has me wrapped up in his arms,after making love again, well hot sexy sex, but maybe it’s still making love? Either way, I am happy. Happier than I have ever been, although, I still have no idea why Tristan wants me. I drive myself crazy sometimes, so god knows how it feels to him; when he’s with me I mean.

  “What do you want baby?” Tristan asks, pulling me from my thoughts.

  “A bath,” I murmur.

  Tristan chuckles at me. “No, I mean what kind of wedding?” Seriously, he wants me to answer that now?

  “I…I don’t know. I don’t have a clue,” I whisper.

  “You’ve never thought about it?” He asks lightly.

  I shake my head at him.“No, never…” I whisper. I briefly look down at his chest, my forefinger making small circles across his pecks.

  “Never?” Tristan repeats, sounding astonished, I look up at him. “You really are one of a kind,” he says his eyes crinkling at the corners as he smiles down at me.

  “I know,” I admit.“I'm a weird fuck up remember?” I add lightly.

  Tristan chuckles as he leans down to kiss me. “You never imagined yourself married?” he asks stroking my
hair.I shake my head at him.He chuckles lightly again. “Most women have that planned from childhood.”

  “I know,” I say, feeling as though it’s just confirming how weird I am.

  “Hey!” Tristan tugs on my chin so I have to look up at him. “There’s nothing wrong with that baby.” He tells me firmly.

  I swallow hard. “I guess…” I say, feeling like a freak again.

  “Coral don’t do that,” Tristan scolds.

  “Do what?” I ask, feigning innocence.

  “Think that you’re weird because you haven’t thought about it.” Tristan leans up onto his elbow. “I bet you, if you got all the women in the world and asked them if they dreamed about their wedding day, a good third of them would say no.” He adds, softly stroking my cheek.

  “Maybe…” I retort. “Tristan, I couldn’t even see myself in a relationship so...” I trail off, trying hard not to think about what this really means.

  “I guess it’s time to think about it then,” he says. “What you want.” He adds.

  I swallow hard again.“When exactly were you thinking about this going ahead?” I ask my voice shaking, giving me away.

  “The sooner the better,” he answers his eyes brooding again. “You’re nervous,” he quickly assesses.

  “Very, aren’t you?” I balk.

  Tristan’s eyes bore into mine as he silently shakes his head.“I know what I want,” he softly says, his thumb running lightly over my bottom lip, making me lose my train of thought. “Do you really want this Coral?”

  I look down at his chest. I find itso hard to think straight when I look at his face.“Yes, I do but…what’s the rush?” I ask.

  “I just want my life to start with you Coral. I want to build it with you. I want you as my wife, not my girlfriend. Girlfriend just sounds so...so fickle, like it’s not permanent,” he says waving his hand in the air, but as I gaze up at him, I can tell he’s hiding something from me. I just don’t know what it is.

  “You’re lying,” I reply. “So why don’t you tell me what you’re really thinking?”

  Tristan smiles his enigmatic smile at me. “There’s no fooling you is there?” he says.

  “No, but isn’t that one of the reasons you want to marry me?” I say sweetly.

  Tristan leans down and kisses me again. “It sure is,” he smiles.

  “So...?” I take a breath and gaze up at him. He’s gone broody again.

  “I just...I don’t want to lose you,” he says all wounded and wide eyed.

  I frown at him. “That doesn’t make sense. Just because people get married, doesn’t mean they can’t leave one another, people get divorced all the time,” I retort.

  “I don’t mean that,” he says, his eyes finally meeting mine.

  “Then what do you mean?” I ask. He shakes his head slowly, frowning deeply as he does, staring down at my swollen lips. He’s definitely hiding something - It suddenly it dawns on me.

  “Oh I get it!” I sit up a little more so we’re nose to nose. “You’re afraid I’ll meet someone else, right, choose them instead of you?” I say, searching his face.

  Tristan sinks back down onto the sofa, so he’s lying on his back, and throws his forearm over his eyes.Jeez, I thought I was the one with issues.

  “You deserve better,” he mumbles.

  “Hey!” I shout, tugging at his arm so he has to look at me. “Will you please stop that, if anyone deserves better it’s you, so please stop saying that.”

  “How can you think that?” He moans.

  “Tristan,” I groan. “I come with a load of crappy baggage, stuff I'm still trying to sort out in my head. I'm surprised you’re interested in me at all. Men are supposed to want confident, outgoing, sure of themselves women, not someone like me. And as for you, well just look at you.” I say waving at all of him.

  He shakes his head at me not understanding. “Tristan, you’re a real catch, the kind they talk about in books. Tall, handsome, sexy alpha male, who’s confident, sexy and successful….did I mention sexy?”His mouth twitches as he tries to hide his smile.

  “Shall I tell you the names of the women who I know are attracted to you. Shall I tell you what it’s like to be out in public with you. How it makes me feel when I see so many women craning their heads round to get a second look at you?” I balk.

  “That’s just not true,” he argues.

  I roll my eyes at him and continue.“Yes, it is. And just to add insult to injury, you’re a smart, funny, captivating, sweet, soulful, well mannered, big hearted man, that doesn’t come with a load of baggage like me. At least you’ve got your shit together!” I bite feeling a little irritated at him – He has no idea what it feels like to be me. I’d love to have his confidence, his laid back attitude, his patience, his forgiving nature.

  “I still think you deserve better.” He says, closing his eyes. Ok, I'm starting to feel a little pissed at him.

  “Ok then, tell me Tristan. What kind of guy would you rather I be with?”His eyes dart open, his broodiness is gone. His jaw is set, his eyes wide.

  “I don’t want you to be with anyone else,” he states firmly.

  “Well that’s settled then, you must deserve me,” I say pouting at him. “Do you want to know why? – “No, I don’t’ – “Because you put up with my bad behaviour, and you’re so patient and forgiving with me it’s unnerving, and despite all of that, well more than that, you bring out the best in me. I never, ever thought any man would be able to do that. I haven’t laughed so much…” I stop and think about what I’m saying.

  “Actually, I’ve never laughed so much, I’ve never had this much fun with a fellow human being before. I know that sounds weird, but...well, I’ve never felt this happy before, sometimes I feel like it’s a dream and I'm going to wake up and feel devastated. You make me feel safe, wanted, cherished, loved.” I frown deeply remembering how badly I used to feel about all those emotions.

  “Tristan, I’ve lived my whole life thinking I'm not worthy and I don’t deserve love, I’ve never let anyone get close to me, not even my family. I always felt safer just with me, no one could hurt me that way, but it’s so lonely it’s hard to describe.”

  “Try,” he whispers. “I want to know what you think baby, how you think.”

  I swallow hard and frown, trying to think of an analogy. How can I explain this?

  “Ok, it’s like living your life inside a steel cage, you want to let people in, but you don’t have the key to unlock the cage, but you also don’t want the cage to open because you know it’s there to protect you from any further pain. You changed all that for me from the very moment I met you. You unlocked the cage, leaving me feeling totally and utterly vulnerable, completely at your mercy, and that really scared me, I didn’t even know you.” I smile shyly. I can't believe I just told him that.

  “So that’s why you were so dead against us?” Tristan softly says.

  “Yes,” I whisper, tears springing to my eyes.“You see, because of you, the cage is gone. You’ve set me free.”

  Tristan gasps. “Oh baby!” Hepulls me into his arms so my back is against the sofa, his strong masculine body pressed against mine. “That’s how you always felt?” He asks, softly stroking my cheek.

  “Yes, all the time, and you’ve changed all of that.” I whisper.

  Tristan slowly closes his eyes and presses his forehead against mine.“I don’t understand how you can change, just like that?” he asks, leaning up to look at me.

  “I don’t either, I’m not saying my issues have disappeared, because I know they haven’t. It’s just…I guess, I don’t feel alone anymore.” I softly say, realising how true that is.

  “You’ve always felt alone?” he gasps again.

  I nod silently.

  “Oh baby!” Tristan crushes me against his chest and starts kissing me all over. On my lips, my cheeks, my nose, my forehead – Could he shower me in anymore love?

  “Don’t feel sorry for me,” I beg.

 
He lifts his head,and gazes at me with wide eyes.“I don’t understand baby, you have Rob and Carlos,Gladys, Debbie and Joyce. Don’t you talk to them?”

  “I know I do, but no, I don’t talk Tristan, only to George. You see, the damage was already done before I met my new family.”Shut up Coral!

  “I don’t understand?” he says. “What damage?” Shit!

  I look away from Tristan trying to think of something to say, something that will side track him, something far away from the real truth of the matter.

  George comes to mind. Yes, use his analogy!

  “Ok, so George told me that all our belief systems get built from a very early age. So for me, it became that people are bad, that they can't be trusted and that I’m better off on my own. No emotional ties, that way I couldn’t get hurt again.I mean, I’m not going to hurt myself am I? I’m not going to let myself down. But all the adults in my life, pre-Gladys, let me down and treated me badly Tristan. So as much as I love my family and friends, I couldn’t take the risk of letting them in. What if Gladys was pretending to be nice and turned out just like my Mom? Or Deb’s was like my sister? I couldn’t take that risk, so I guess it just carried on like that, I just felt safer on my own, until I met you.” I end with a whisper.

  “I wish I’d have met you sooner,” he croaks.

  “I wouldn’t have been ready for you.” I tell him.

  “How do you know that?” He argues.

  “Because it’s only been over the past year that I started to feel like I actually wanted someone in my life, I just didn’t know how to go about it. I guess reaching my 30th made me take a step back and take a good hard long look at myself. I tried to imagine myself still feeling the same when I hit my 40th, you know doing the same thing, no change, and I realised I did want change, but I was too scared, too stuck in my ways to do anything about it.” I take a deep breath – Boy this is getting intimate!