Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him

by Clair Delaney

  As I reach my studio, I stand at the patio door and stare through to the front door, checking it’s still closed. Unlocking the patio door, I step through cautiously, I hate that whoever was here last night has made me feel like this, uneasy about coming back to my own place. So I decide to put on some music while I get ready, it’s always guaranteed to pick me up...

  ARETHA FRANKLIN’S, YOU MAKE ME FEEL Like A Natural Woman is playing as I wonder out of the bathroom after showering. I start singing along to it, thinking how Tristan makes me feel like that, natural, playful, womanly. With my hair wrapped in a towel and my robe on, I walk over to the fridge and pour myself a large glass of vegetable juice.

  My appetite has vanished again, just like Tristan, so I figure if I drink lots of juice, at least I'm getting my vitamins and minerals. Just as I'm heading back into the bathroom, the track changes to Lonestar’s Amazed.

  I dash back into the living room and press next.That song, those words…far too heavy for this time in the morning. The next song starts,it’s The Corrs, Runaway – Yes!This is how I feel about Tristan!

  I start singing along as I walk back into the bathroom. Then I take the towel off my head, and start slowly brushing my hair in the mirror, thinking how poignant this song is, and how I would, given half the chance, run away with Tristan.

  My player flips to the next song, Whitney Houston’s I Have Nothing starts playing –Hmm, maybe not such a good idea. This song is making me realise that I really don’t have anything if I don’t have Tristan – I’ve never felt like that before, about anyone, or anything. I quickly push that thought aside.The song continues. Whitney is easily hitting the high notes, I stop singing, I can't reach that high.

  Tittering to myself, I grab my Coconut Oil and massage a little into my hair,flip my head up, twist my hair and pin it into a bun.Then I start on my make-up. As I'm putting on my mascara, I think about seeing George tonight and telling him about Tristan’s proposal.My stomach does a backward flip, and then swarms with butterflies –Whoa will I ever get used to that feeling?

  I hope not, it’s very heady and exciting. Then I think of Cindy and the second Hypnotherapy session.I really hope it works again and I'm able to wear the dress. I really want to look nice for Tristan, but more than that, I want to feel good in myself. I want to feel feminine and girly, I snort with laughter at myself – If there’s one thing I’ve never been is girly.

  As a kid I was always running round the garden like a tomboy, even my favourite T.V shows were tomboyish – Knight Rider, Black Beauty, Dr Who and Star Trek, not exactly girly programming.

  With my make-up and hair done, I wonder over to my handbag so I can put on some lip gloss. As I do, I notice my mobile is flashing at me. Dropping the lip-gloss and picking it up, I punch in the unlock code and it shows a new message.

  Flicking it open, I'm shocked to see I have a message from Tristan.

  *Morning Sweet Pea, hope you slept well. I can’t wait to hear your voice.Don’t forget to call me ;-)Love Tristan Xxx*

  I chuckle at his candor, and his wink. Then I check what time he sent it – 6.35am – just as I was heading out the door to go swimming. I have never taken my mobile with me before, for some reason I don't trust leaving it in a locker, but maybe I should from now on.

  I go to press reply, checking the time as I do, and see it’s already 7.45am, I still have to get dressed and I’ll be speaking to him shortly so I decide to wait and head up the stairs.

  Thankfully, I picked up my dry cleaning yesterday, which I had completely forgotten about over the weekend – I'm not surprised though, being with Tristan makes me forget most things – so at least I have something decent to wear today.

  Rummaging through the plastic bags, I find my light blue trousers and my short sleeved, cream blouse. Once I'm dressed, I slip my feet into my wedges and head down the stairs. Picking up my handbag and my keys, I spray a little perfume and put on some lip gloss, which I didn’t do earlier. That’s Tristan again, making me forget what I was doing.

  I suddenly remember I need to ask him about the suicide. I forgot all about it after what happened last night, I must remember to ask him today. I don't like that Susannah knew and I didn’t – That pissed me right off!

  I switch off the air-conditioner, smiling as I recall the memory of Tristan buying it for me. Then I turn off my amp and unplug my MP3 player, just as Beyonce’s Halo starts playing, pausing the track, I attach my headphones and walk over to the patio door.

  I go to pull it open and nearly fall over – I locked it? I’ve never done that before!Feeling a little miffed that I'm being extra cautious, I unlock it, and pull the door open.

  Stepping outside into another bright, blue skied, sunshiny day, I pull the door shut and lock it, then check again that it’s definitely locked.

  “Morning.” I jump a mile in the air.

  “Oh hey Bob,” I say breathlessly.

  “Blimey! You’re jumpy today?” He says, staring at me quizzically.

  I nod and stare out at the boats bobbing on the water. “Hey Bob, you didn’t see or hear anything strange last night did you?” I casually ask.

  He looks up from his morning paper and frowns at me.“No, why?” I walk over to his tiny table and sit in the chair opposite him.

  “I fell asleep on the sofa last night and I was woken up early this morning, someone was outside my front door. They tried the handle…they tried to get in…” I sound frantic, and my leg is jigging up and down. I’d better calm, down I don't want to worry Bob.

  “What!” Throwing his morning paper down on the table, he grabs hold of my free hand. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you wake me up?”

  I shake my head at him and stare out at the boats. Like a doddery old man could save me!

  “Did you call the police?” he asks.

  “Yeah, but whoever it was had already gone, so they said there was no danger and that they would come by today, I told them not to bother.” I say, sounding glum.

  “Why?” Bob questions.

  “Well there’s not much they can do today is there? I needed them last night!” I squawk in annoyance.

  Bob rolls his eyes at me. “If they turn up today, you want me to let them in?” he asks.

  “Sure, why not,” I shrug.

  “Anything ever happens like that again young lady you come straight round to me, I’ll sort them out,” he says, showing me his fist.I try not to chuckle. I really don't think Bob would do very well against a burglar, if that’s what it was.

  “I will,” I tell him sweetly. Because he is sweet and kind, he’s like the Granddad I never had. Standing up I lean down and kiss him on the cheek.“Thanks Bob, see you tonight,” I say.

  “You’re not staying with that fella of yours?” He asks looking up at me.

  “No…he’s away all week.” I sound sad. Bob nods once and goes back to his paper. “Well, I’ll see you later,” I say knowing the conversation is over.

  “Have a good day,” he says propping his legs up on the spare chair.

  I muster a smile, turn around, take a deep breath, squaring my shoulders as I do, and put on my sunglasses. I take my mobile out of my bag to call Tristan, and begin walking along the concourse. It rings three times then it’s answered - By a woman!

  “Hello Coral. I'm Karen.” Karen?

  “Um…Hi Karen.” I try to think of the name, where have I heard it before?

  “I'm Mr Freeman’s P.A in Leeds,” she tells me –Ah of course!

  “Your accent is awesome.” I tell her, because it is.

  She chuckles lightly. “Mr Freeman’s meeting’s run over, he told me you would be calling him with an update and to say sorry if he wasn’t back in time. He said to let you know he’ll call you at work.” Work!He can’t do that, Blondie will be there.

  “Yes of course Karen, it’s no problem at all. Say thank you to Mr Freeman for me.” It feels really weird calling him that.

  “Of course I will. It was nice speaking t
o you Coral, maybe we’ll meet someday?” She sounds so friendly, so normal and nice. I wish she was the one training me, not Susannah!

  “I hope so, I’d really like that,” I smile easily.

  “Me too, well I’d better get on.” Inspiration hits, maybe she can help me!

  “Karen, can I ask you something?” I ask cautiously.

  “Sure, fire away.” Ok here goes!

  “Have you met Susannah?” The line is silent for a long time.

  “Yes, yes I have.” She finally says, but her tone has changed, she doesn’t sound so happy and light anymore.

  “Oh, ok.” I stare out to sea, maybe I’m not going to get anything out of her, but I push anyway. “It’s ok, you don't have to say anything. It’s just that she’s upset one of the girls in the office, and she’s not being great with me either. I just wondered if it was because she was away from home, you know…a little pissed to be training me, missing her husband maybe?”

  “Well…I…” She seems hesitant to say anything. “I don't like to gossip' – “Neither do I,” I interrupt, then continue.“It’s just… I think she’s a little odd, I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t me I guess.”

  “It’s not you,” she says, her voice low and quiet.

  “Oh?” Now I'm intrigued.

  “Coral, I really don't want to talk about this at work, especially on Mr Freeman’s mobile,” she says sounding a little worried.

  “Of course, I understand.” Damn it!

  “I take lunch at one. Want me to call you?” She offers.

  “Really, you would? I don’t want to take up your lunch hour.” Please say yes!

  “No it’s fine, I’ll call you later.” Bingo!

  “Great thanks. Bye Karen,” I say cheerfully.

  “See ya.” Karen hangs up.

  I stare out at the sparkling blue ocean, feeling a little pissed I couldn’t talk to Tristan, but also wondering what that conversation’s going to be like.

  Shrugging it off, I decide to pop into the gym and see if Will is in yet, I need to ask him something.

  When I ask at reception they tell me he’s not in yet, so I leave my mobile number, telling them it’s urgent and request they get Will to contact me, ASAP,which I'm sure he will, he hasn’t let me down before, and maybe he can give me some advice how to deal with the situation if it happens again.Plus, I need to let him know that I panicked last night, so maybe we need to work on some other type of training, some other technique?

  Feeling satisfied that I’ve got control of my emotions and the whole ‘someone tried to get into my studio’situation, I pop my headphones in and hit play.Halo continues where it left off, and I stop myself from singing aloud. I really can't hit those high notes, and I don't want to upset the commuters going to work. I'm sure the last thing they want to hear is a squawking bird as they head into the office.

  As I make my way into work, listening to the song, it suddenly becomes so clear. This is me, and the guy in the song is Tristan, he is my Halo. He is just like a ray of sunshine brightening up my days, making me feel safe, and I am one hundred percent addicted to his light, his warmth, his embrace, and I pray he will never fade away.

  The moment I walk into work, I go straight into Joyce’s office so I can tell her about my strange incident last night, only to find she isn’t in yet.Damn it!

  Heading back to my desk, I find a post-it note on my screen –Be in at 11am, Joyce x

  Well that’s just great!

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  SUSANNAH IS BEING STRANGELY NICE TO ME TODAY. Very chatty, and I can’t work out why. As our mid-morning break comes around, she follows me into the kitchen for a coffee. Unfortunately, I feel a headache coming on because Susannah has not stopped talking today!

  I cannot for the life of me, work out what she’s up to! Yesterday she was being weird with me, and today I’m her best friend.It’s very odd!

  “So are you with anyone Coral, do you have a boyfriend?” She asks.

  I decide not to lie. I'm smiling too much lately, I don't think I can hide it.

  “Yes,” I answer. “And you’re married I see,” I say, gesturing to her wedding and engagement rings.

  “Kind of obvious isn’t it.” She laughs, but it’s off.

  “How long have you been married?” I ask smiling as I do.

  “Two years.” She answers; humourlessly this time.

  “How did you meet?” I want to keep her talking, keep control of the conversation.

  “We’d known each other a long time.” She answers gravely. It peaks my interest.

  “Are you ok?” I can’t work out if she’s being genuine.

  Her lips twitch with a smile, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.“We’re having…difficulties,” she says. I can't tell if she’s playing it up?

  “Oh!” I look away from her.I don't know her well enough for her to be sharing that kind of information with me. Then I hear Tristan’s voice in my head‘she’s happily married’ – I frown in confusion trying to make sense of what she’s saying.

  “I'm sorry,” I mumble as I pour two mugs of coffee.

  She shrugs nonchalantly.“Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.”What? What does that mean? I stop what I'm doing and look up at her.“We’re getting divorced,” she whispers, her eyes glistening over - Fuck!

  “Oh! Susannah, I'm sorry, that can’t be easy,” I offer by way of condolences.

  “Thanks, but I guess when it’s over, it’s over,”she says, as though she doesn’t give a fuck.

  I nod in agreement, then I think about where she lives – London – she’ll meet someone new. Then I wonder whether she actually wants to, and then I wonder if Tristan knows about this.

  “There’s no way of working it out?” I ask tentatively. Susannah shakes her head at me. “So what are your plans?” I ask. “I take it you live together?” I add.

  “No, well, yes. Sam kept his house, rented it out and moved in with me. I guess he’ll go back there, we haven’t really worked stuff like that out yet. We only made our decision this Sunday gone.” Ah, maybe she’s not being herself because of what’s going on in her love life?

  Then I think about Karen’s odd reaction this morning. None of it is making sense, in-fact I’m starting to feel very confused. Plus, it isn’t helping that every time I look at her I keep seeing the crazy, deranged Susannah from my dream.

  Susannah continues. “Although, I am thinking about getting out of London altogether, make a fresh start,” she says wistfully. What!?

  My throat instantly goes dry, why do I get the feeling I know where this is going?

  “I don't blame you, got anywhere in mind?” I ask brightly as I reach for the milk out of the fridge.

  “Actually, funny you should say that...” My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach. “Being here, down by the coast has made me realise how much I need a change, I think it would do me good, you know fresh air, walks on the beach…” I reluctantly hand her coffee to her, avoiding eye contact.

  “I guess so,” I answer artlessly. Come on Coral, be brave!

  Meeting her eyes, I smile purposely. “So you might move here?” I ask brightly, taking a sip of coffee. She instantly blushes – Gotcha!

  “Maybe, I don't know yet,” she says, smiling down at the floor– Liar!You know full well what you’re doing!

  Susannah looks up at me and smiles wearily. I make myself smile sympathetically at her, then I nod and walk out the kitchen, heading back to my desk, unfortunately, with Susannah following me.Ugh! I feel like throwing up! – She’s moving here because Tristan is, I know she is.Then I think about her job, she’ll have to get a new one...unless...unless she’s after my job? Or maybe she’ll convince Tristan we should work together. I don't know, but either way I don't like it, I don't like it at all.I feel all the blood drain out of my face. Damn it!

  Of all the weeks for Tristan to be away, why did it have to be this one. I need to talk to him, and I need to talk to him now!

 
“Coral are you ok, you’ve gone very pale?” I put my coffee cup down, and rub my stomach as though I'm in pain.

  “Yeah, just not feeling too great, must be the curry I had last night.” Lie, lie, lie that’s all I seem to do nowadays. “I'm going to the ladies,” I say.

  Turning swiftly on my heel I march away from her...

  FUCKETY, FUCK, FUCK! I have not stopped looking at the clock on the wall, I want lunchtime to come around, and I want it now! My leg keeps trying to jig up and down with nerves – I don't want Blondie to see that. And I wish she would stop smiling at me like that, like I'm her new best friend.

  Finally, after concentrating on the new emailing system she is showing me, 12.30pm comes around.Leaping up from my chair, I say goodbye to Blondie, grab my bag and head out the building. Just as I reach the end of the road, I realise I haven’t asked Joyce if she wants anything, which I always do if I'm heading out, so I call her mobile.

  “Coral?” Joyce answers sounding concerned.

  “Joyce, I'm outside the building. Did you want anything picking up?” I ask sweetly.

  “Actually darling, if you have the time and you don't mind. I really fancy one of those Frappuccinos from Starbucks.” I smile to myself. Joyce is rarely naughty.

  “Yep, that’s no problem,” I answer. “Oh Joyce, while I’ve got you, can I have five minutes when I get back?”

  “Of course you can. I’ll call you through when I'm free.”

  “Thank you,” I answer and hang up.

  Walking into town, I make my way over to St James’s Street. I go straight to the place I need for Tristan’s present and get that organised. I'm surprised it only takes a few minutes to do, then I head over to Starbucks. As I do, I can’t help checking my mobile for a call from Tristan or Karen –Nothing! – I hope Tristan’s ok.

  As I step inside the coffee house, I see there’s a queue, so I stand next in line. I'm about to try Tristan again, but the conversation going on in front of me has side-tracked me.

  They are evidently a couple of gay guys, the one is telling the other about his friend finding out that the guy he had been seeing for five years had, in fact, been secretly married for ten years to a woman and had three kids.