I swallow hard. I knew there was more to that conversation. What was it he said?...‘Olivia had very singular tastes’ I get a sour taste in mouth so I take a big gulp of Brandy. What else did he say? I rack my brains, trying to think back on it....Then I remember.
‘She liked things done a certain way’
‘As far as she was concerned beds were for fucking and sleeping in’
I take another gulp of Brandy, I don't like where this is going!
Tristan continues. “I always knew with how you are, it would be an extremely sensitive subject to broach. Like I said, I don't want to scare you away from me, and I don't want you to think that if that doesn’t happen, I’m not happy, or satisfied, because I am.” He gazes down at me for a moment, then takes three quick strides over to me.
He sinks down to his knees in front of me, then taking my hand in his he squeezes it tight. “You have to know Coral, I really am very, very happy,” he says, his eyes wide with fear. I can feel the intensity rolling off him like waves.
I reach out and stroke his cheek. “I know that baby,” I whisper. “Tristan, it doesn’t matter what you tell me, I’m not going anywhere. You can't frighten me away, I know there’s not a single bad bone in your body, so why don't you just say it, and we can talk about it,” I add.
I stare back at him, he looks so anxious right now, and it’s stressing me out. “Baby, just say it!” I snap, exasperated.
“Olivia liked to be dominated in the bedroom.” He blurts it out so fast, it takes a second for my brain to catch up. Dominated? I frown back at him, not understanding what he’s trying to say. “We had a sub-dom relationship?” He slowly adds, as though he’s speaking to a child.
It takes a moment for my brain to register what he just said. I blink rapidly at him, trying to work out what I think about that.
“Coral, please say something,” he begs, he looks like he’s in pain.
I feel slightly nauseous, like I’ve just been punched in the gut. “That’s what she meant,” I whisper, my eyes wide with fear. “When Olivia was in the house, she said something about knowing what you need to de-stress.”
“Yes.” He says.
Oh!...Oh!...Oh! This is not happening!
I try to think of the first logical thing to ask. Finally, after what feels like forever, it comes to me. “Do you need it Tristan?” I ask, my heart in my mouth.
“No, I don't.” He firmly tells me.
I slowly blow the breath out I’d been holding in relief. “Then why would she say that?” I query.
“Because back then, I did need it,” he admits.
I frown back at him. “I...I don't understand?”
Tristan stands, and sits next to me on the sofa. “You’re still here,” he says, looking down at our entwined fingers.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I say incredulously.
“With your past, with everything you’ve been through, your associations with men, sex...” He trails off. “I thought you might walk out on me, end the relationship,” he adds.
“Tristan, I told you before and I’ll tell you again. I’m a lot stronger than I look.” He turns and gazes at me like I’m the air that he breathes; it makes my heart swell with love for him. “So why don't you tell me all about it,” I softly add, even though I feel like I’m in a state of panic!
“You’re not worried?” He asks. Deep breathes...deep breathes...
I swallow hard. “No, not worried. If you say you don't need it then I have no need to be worried, but I am curious,” I whisper, staring back at him with wide eyes.
Tristan nods once then begins. “My life was very stressful when I knew Olivia, in all honesty, looking back on it, she was probably the one stressing me out,” he laughs sardonically then sighs.
“I was still practising law, and I always had high profile cases, so to win or lose was a huge deal, not just for me but for the company too. Quite honestly, I think I’d taken on too much, I should have pulled out of taking the cases on and concentrated on the business, but I enjoyed being in court, I wasn’t ready to give it up. So, with trying to grow the business, building a property portfolio, looking after my folks, working ridiculous hours, and dealing with Olivia, I was...overloaded. Olivia was the one that introduced it to me, I’d never done anything like that before, she had, and I found it very....de-stressing.” Tristan stops and gazes at me. Fuck!
“Any questions so far?” He asks.
I shake my head at him. Yes, millions!
“I’m not a dominant by nature Coral, I don't crave control like most dominants do, and I’ve never had that kind of relationship with anyone else, just Olivia. Yes, I’m an alpha-male, I know that about myself, but it was more...” Tristan sighs and runs his hand through his hair. “Coral, I never realised it before, but Olivia pulled the strings in our relationship – outside the bedroom I mean – she was the dominant one, whatever she wanted, she got, like I said to you, I was blind. That’s why I love our relationship so much, we’re balanced, equals. I don't try to control you, because I don't want or need to, and you don't try to control me either, and I love it, I feel very settled with you, very secure.” Tristan smiles warmly at me, and gently strokes my cheek.
“Coral, all that kinky shit means nothing if you don't feel like you have a connection with that person.” He tells me firmly.
“You didn’t feel connected to Olivia?” I say, trying to keep my voice steady.
“Sometimes...rarely.” He laughs, then gently scoots forward and takes my face in his hands. “I have never felt so connected to a woman as I do with you.”
“Oh...” I swallow hard. “Do you want to do that with me?” I have stopped breathing.
“I don't need to do that with you if that’s what you’re asking. What I had with them, all of the other women I ever dated, pales in comparison to what we have.”
My mind is whizzing! I get a sudden flashback. We had just arrived here, we’d made love, and he was about to tell me something important, but he stopped because my belly groaned – I must admit, I was hungry! – I haven’t pushed him to tell me since, which I normally would have done. I wonder if this is what he wanted to tell me?
Then I remember something else, something, quite frankly, I’m shocked I’ve forgotten about. It shocked me when he said it, but I guess I’ve been having such a good time, it hasn’t crossed my mind – ‘I should put you over my knee for that’
I swallow hard. “Is this what you were going to tell me when we arrived here?”
“Yes. Coral, when you said you wanted to talk about fantasies...” Tristan shakes his head a couple of times. “It shocked me, but it also pleased me too, but I...” He breaks off again.
“So when you said ‘I should put you over my knee for that’ – “Yeah...I’m sorry about that, it kind of slipped out,” he says, frowning deeply. “I could see the shock on your face, and I was furious with myself for letting it happen, but then I felt all those old feelings come back, what it feels like to...well, to do those kind of things, it turns me on Coral. And I couldn’t help visualising and thinking how I would feel if I did do those things with you.”
“Oh...” Is all I can manage right now.
Tristan swallows hard. “I want you to know me Coral, inside out, all of me. I’ve been battling with it since I met you, whether or not to tell you. Please tell me I’ve done the right thing here and that I’m not going to lose you?”
I stare back at Tristan, seeing him in a completely different light.
Holy Fuck!
Tristan Freeman – My future husband – Likes to Dominate women!
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
HOW IN THE HELL DID I NOT SEE THIS?Holy mother of God! I suddenly get it. Everything falls into place. I’ve seen dominant Tristan before, it was staring me in the face when I first met him in reception that day. And the day after I met him and we went to Munchies, then that restaurant for lunch, he had a certain look in his eyes then, a certain aura.
I remember it made me squirm
in my seat, I was that uncomfortable. It was like he could see right through me, like he was thinking about what I looked like naked, how I would be as a lover, and what he would do to me as my lover -I’m melting again! – Crap!
I just thought he was an intense kind of guy, with a very intense look – but obviously not!
That’s why Olivia said what she said, because of what they used to do. Then I remember what I said to him earlier on the beach while we were having lunch, that he was every woman’s fantasy, that he was about to be chatted up. I thought he was just being shy, but he was just avoiding the conversation.
Then I get another flashback. When we arrived here and we were teasing one another, and I threw that pillow at him, he had the same look in his eyes then – Holy crap!
Then I get another flashback. It was ages ago, when we were taking a bath together. Tristan was questioning me about my sex life, what I had and hadn’t done, he’d mentioned domination then – Fuck! – How could I have not seen this? How could I have been so blind?
I swallow hard, then knock back the rest of the brandy in one go, but I think I need another?
“Coral?” Tristan takes my hand and squeezes it tight. “You’re killing me over here, what are you thinking?” He says, throwing my words back at me.
I swallow hard again. “I just...” I shake my head. “Ok, this is going to sound stupid, but I thought men that like domination are...you know, fuck ups with major issues? And you don't seem like that to me?” Tristan starts smiling at me. “You’re laughing at me?” I choke, he instantly loses the grin. “You know I’m not too impressed you’ve kept this from me!” I bark, my temper rising.
“If I’d have told you when we met, you never would have seen me again,” he softly says.
“Entrapment!” I blurt, getting to my feet.
“Is that how you feel?” He asks. “Like I’ve trapped you?”
“Well I’m not going to leave you,” I squeak. “It’s too late for that, I’m too in-love with you to leave!” With shaking legs, I walk over to the mini-bar and pour another brandy, almost missing the glass because my hands are shaking so badly, I take a big gulp. “So what exactly does this mean Tristan? You wanna do all kinds of weird, horrible things to me?” I ask, my voice shaking, giving me away.
“No baby, no weird horrible things.” Tristan is instantly to his feet, takes the brandy off me and wraps his big strong arms around me, squeezing me so tight, it’s almost painful. “I’m still the same man,” he says, his voice shaking slightly.
I wrap my arms around his back and squeeze him tight – Fuck! Is he? Is he still the same man to me? I don't know?
“Tristan, I think I’m in shock. I just need some time to process this, get my head round it,” I tremble.
He squeezes me even tighter. “You said you wanted to talk about fantasies Coral. Would you prefer it if I had lied to you, not been honest about what I like and don't like?”
“No, I just...I’m so inexperienced Tristan, and I’m scared,” I tremble.
“Don't be frightened baby. I’ll say it again, this does not have to happen, any of it.” He squeezes me even tighter. “Sweet Jesus, I’m so sorry Coral. I’ve been so worried about telling you. But when you did what you did with that chocolate...” He breaks off and takes a deep breath. “It turned me on so much I couldn’t think straight, I just wanted to get you back here. And I knew I had no choice, that I had to tell you, I couldn’t avoid it any longer. A part of me wanted to just let it go, never bring up the subject, but you are one determined woman and I knew that one day you would ask me about it, and that you’d see straight through me if I tried to hide the truth – What a fool I am,” he adds, his tone sombre.
“You stupid bugger,” I blurt. “You scared me. I thought....well I didn’t know what to think? You just went weird on me. Don't ever do that to me again Tristan Freeman!”
“I won’t. I promise. Have I frightened you away Coral? Do you want some time, we can hold back the wedding’ – I reach up and silence him with my lips.
Then I pull back and gaze up at him for the longest time. I can see the trepidation in his eyes, it would kill him to lose me, but as I continue to gaze up at his wide, worried eyes, I feel like I’m gazing right into his very soul, and I can only see love – Yes, he’s still the same man, my man – who’s looking desperately worried right now.
“Stop it,” I scold. “We are not holding anything back. Despite what you’ve told me, I still want you Tristan. I still want to marry you. I still want to spend the rest of my life with you. And you’re right, I wouldn’t have let the subject go, because after Debs told me about Scott, I realised for the first time I was just as much to blame for Justin running off with Harriet as he was.
“I know they shouldn’t have done it the way they did, but the point is, he never would have gone if I’d opened up to him, if we’d have expressed ourselves sexually. I guess, I just didn’t feel secure enough with him to do that, but with you I do, and I’m afraid Tristan, the last thing I want is to lose you because I’m not satisfying you.” I take a deep cleansing breath, surprised I just said all of that. “We just need to sit down and talk it through,” I add.
Tristan looks so relieved, I think he may cry. He crushes me to him again. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.
“Stop saying you’re sorry,” I croak. “I understand you’re apprehension and what you must have been feeling.”
Tristan kisses the top of my head several times. “So we’re ok, for now?” he asks, still afraid, still hesitant.
“Yes,” I whisper, although I still feel apprehensive.
“Thank god,” he breathes, gently rocking me. “Oh baby, you’re so strong, so beautiful and sweet.”
“Don't forget supportive and sexy,” I tease, trying to lighten the mood. Must be the booze!
Tristan chuckles, but we stay like that for a while, just holding one another. I really should be in shock, and frightened stupid, I have no idea what this means for our sex life!
“Hey,” I pull back and look up at him. “We’re going to talk about this, and you’re going to be completely honest with me. But first, I’m going to the bathroom and when I get back I expect a brandy waiting for me – and a kiss,” I add, smiling up at him.
“Your wish, my command baby.” I reach up, peck him on the lips then head to the en-suite.
I stand in front of the mirror, staring back at myself, trying to wrap my head around it. I think Tristan thinks I’m a prude, and I’m not.
Ok, I’ve only ever slept with one other guy before him, but I’ve read erotic novels and I must admit, there were certain things that turned me on, but I knew it would never happen because I wouldn’t – no couldn’t – allow a man to have control over me in the bedroom. It would be too much like my past, like what they did to me when I was a kid.
But I’m an adult now, a woman, with wants and needs of my own.
Admittedly, if he’d said to me when we met ‘I like kinky sex’ I’d have run a mile, but I know him now. I know who he is, and he’s a good man, a kind man, and I know he would never, ever hurt me.
My heart suddenly sinks to the pit of my stomach. Unless...unless he does want to hurt me? That’s part of the whole dom-sub thing, I think? Pleasure-Pain – I shake my head, I don't think I can do that. I swallow hard. He’s told me it makes no difference, that it’s not something he needs, yet he’s admitted that it really turns him on!
I slap my hand to my mouth, trying to fight off the nausea – Oh God...Is this the end of us?
I blink back the tears, then stare at myself for the longest time, trying to find some courage from somewhere – but honestly I’m bricking it. Tristan may want to do...things that.....and if I can't, then how can I ever say I am truly satisfying him? We would have to part ways, surely? I blink back more tears – Come on Coral!
I take a deep breath and narrow my eyes at myself. The only way to find out is to go talk to him!I take a deep rasping breath, pull back my should
ers, and head out the en-suite.
When I return, Tristan is sitting on the sofa with two brandy’s in his hand. As I sit next to him, he leans forward – he’s still hesitant, nervous – kisses me sweetly and hands me my glass.
“So I’ve thought about it,” I say, taking a good gulp. “And I guess I’m mostly worried about, well...the whole pleasure, pain thing?” I say, cringing inside.
Tristan’s one eyebrow cocks up in surprise. “Er...I never did any of that,” he says.
I frown. “But I thought that’s what being a dominant is about?”
“No baby, it’s about control,” he softly says, reaching up and tucking my hair behind my ear.
“Oh? So you...well Olivia didn’t’ – “The only aspect Olivia liked was the parts we played. The roles if you like, she submitted, and I was the dominant.”
“For your pleasure only?” I ask, taking a sip of my Brandy.
“No, hers too.” I frown down at my glass. “She made a list for me,” he continues. “She’d done this before, so she knew what she liked, it was just a case of putting that into practice, mixing it up so she never knew what was coming. For the dominant, well for me, it was a huge turn on because I got to control her, well in the bedroom I was in control. As for the submissive, well Olivia said she liked it because it gave her a sense of freedom, a sense of release if you like, no decisions to be made, just doing what you’re asked to do and getting rewarded for it – it really turned her on,” he adds.
“So you never hurt her? Never bruised her?” I ask, keeping my eyes downcast.
“Christ no!” He says, a little exasperated. “It wasn’t like that Coral, it was all for pleasure. I would never do that to a woman, even if she wanted me to. That’s too heavy for my liking.”
“But you wanted to spank me?” I whisper, trying to be brave.
“Not to cause pain Coral. I meant it in a fun, sexual way. Look, spanking was part of it, yes, but only for pleasure baby.” I frown again trying to understand it.
Then I remember that Justin slapped my ass once when we were having sex and it freaked me out. I went mad at him – Shit!
Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him Page 129