“You think?” I squeak.
Joyce titters at me. “Coral, how on earth can you be thinking such silly thoughts, and have so much doubt when you’re marrying him tomorrow?”
I shrug, I have no answer for that.
“You still think you’re unworthy,” Joyce says.
How does she know this?
I stare ahead. I think I’ll always feel like that.
“You’re not,” she says, leaning over and squeezing my hand.
“I’m an idiot!” I bite. “I don't deserve him.”
“Yes you do,” Joyce firmly retorts.
“Yeah well...maybe I do. But right now, I’m just...angry!” I shake my head and drink more coffee.
“You’ve changed,” Joyce says, completely throwing me.
“I have?” I squeak.
“Yes Coral, in so many ways,” Joyce sighs, an old memory ignited in her eyes. “It always made me so unhappy seeing you putting on such a brave face, even though I knew you were in turmoil. How I wished I could take whatever it was away for you, so when you smiled, I could see that you were genuinely happy. John and I wondered about it often, trying to work out what we could do that would help you. But we both knew it had to come from you, that hopefully, someday you would be free of whatever it was that made you so sad.”
“You knew I was sad?” I say, feeling shocked.
“Coral, you’re not that hard to read. For others yes, they probably wouldn’t realise the difference between your fake smiles and your genuine ones, but I did, and still do. Anyway, my point is, that I think you have found what it was that you needed to free yourself of, whatever it was that was haunting you.” I swallow hard. “Am I right darling?”
I look up at her. Poor Joyce, all this time so worried about me. I decide, as I did with Rob and Debs to tell Joyce why.
“Yes Joyce, you are right. I have found what I needed, and I found it in Tristan. Easiest way to explain it, and as simple as it may sound, he broke down my walls, my barriers if you like. He’s set me free, but I would like to share with you why I used to feel like that, if that’s ok?”
Joyce leans across and squeezes my hand again. “Only if you want to darling.”
“I do,” I tell her firmly, then give Joyce a very brief story of my past. When I’ve finished, I look up at Joyce, expecting a telling off for not telling her sooner, but I’m gobsmacked to see she doesn’t look surprised or shocked like Rob or Debs did.
“You knew?” I question.
“No, not knew, but had my own suspicions. I was hoping I was wrong.” Joyce takes my hand again and stares ahead for a while.
“Tristan said that you said that I’m...challenging?”
“Well you are!” Joyce titters. “You’re the most mercurial person I know,” she adds, sipping more tea.
“What does that mean?” I laugh. I never took any notice in English lessons!
Joyce raises an eyebrow in surprise. “You don't know?”
“Joyce,” I giggle. “You know I didn’t pay attention in class!”
“Oh yes, well I suppose not no. Well a mercurial person is someone who has sudden or unpredictable changes in mood.”
“Oh!” My face falls. I remember Tristan kind of saying that to me, only he said...’you really do jump ship don't you’...Hmm.
“I’m not proud Joyce,” I say. “And I’m sorry if I was like that with you, especially at work. I really did try to stay balanced, guess I didn’t always get it right.” I mumble.
“Coral, don't you understand? If I didn’t want you working there, no matter what your moods were like, I’d have let you go.” Whoa!
“But you didn’t?” I squeak.
“No darling I didn’t. Now why don't you tell me what’s really on your mind?”
I sigh inwardly – There’s no hiding from Joyce.
“I’m going to miss you so much,” I croak.
“And I will miss you too, but you’re avoiding the question.”
I take another sip of coffee. “I just...I guess after last night...I can't help questioning if we’re right for each other, all we seem to have done since I came out of hospital is fight. I just...” I shake my head, not knowing what else to say.
“Wedding jitters,” Joyce says.
“What?” I half-laugh.
“You’re about to get married Coral. I always hoped this would happen for you, that you’d find a good man to take care of you like I did with John. But it doesn’t mean I wasn’t really nervous the day of my wedding. I was from a working class family, John was upper class, our upbringings were so very different, and at the time, I felt as though the only thing I was bringing to our marriage were my university loans. It took John a very long time to convince me that it didn’t matter, that all he wanted was me. Are you feeling that way?”
“No. I know Tristan doesn’t care about my financial status and I don't care about his either. I guess I’m just feeling...” I trail off. I don't want her to know everything that goes on between Tristan and I, what happened last night was private, and the only people who can sort it, or end it, are Tristan and I.
“Definitely wedding jitters,” Joyce says rising to her feet. “But unfortunately, I have to get over to the office darling, collect a few things.”
“Ok,” I whisper, deep in thought. Then I panic. “Isn’t Tristan supposed to be in today?”
“No darling, we managed to get everything finalised yesterday. Didn’t he tell you?”
“Didn’t really get the chance,” I mutter – No wonder he was laughing with Edith in the kitchen when I got back, he must have been so excited to tell me – Oh I’m such a fuck up sometimes!
I get to my feet and hug Joyce. “Everything will be fine sweetheart, you’ll see,” she says smiling warmly at me – But I’m still not convinced.
“I’ll see you out,” I say not bothering to put a fake smile on, not now she can see straight through them – Great!
“No, you stay here darling. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Joyce says, her eyes sparkling brightly.
“Ok,” I breathe. “Tomorrow.” I watch Joyce walk away then sit back down, letting my mind drift over the conversation we just had...
I AM SITTING IN EDITH’S BATHROOM waiting for Carlos to finish. I didn’t want to disturb Tristan, so we are here, instead of our en-suite upstairs. I thought I would feel more relaxed after my little chat with Joyce, but I don't – at all.
I just want Tristan to wake up so I know either way, what’s going on! Concentrate Coral!
We have done my make-up trial, and Carlos is now doing my hair, and as promised, I have kept my eyes closed for half an hour now. Carlos knows what I’m like, and knows I would have been protesting every five minutes, instead of waiting to see the finished result, which would have driven him mad.
“Finished!” Carlos says excitedly.
I open my eyes and look at my ‘wedding hair’ he called it. Wow!
Carlos has curled my hair into big soft tendrils, loosely scooped the crown back and pinned it into place with what looks like a very old-fashioned hairpiece. It’s a beautiful looking piece, silver, very shiny and has blue sapphires entwined within each delicate flower.
“It’s antique,” he says smiling at our reflections. “Our wedding present to you.”
I gasp in shock. “Carlos, you...” I stop unable to articulate anymore.
Earlier, when I tried to the dress on, I had to fight so hard not to break down and confess my fears to Carlos, and now this? I blink my eyes rapidly, trying to stop the tears from forming.
“Don't you like it sunshine?” He asks.
“Yes, of course I do,” I manage to choke out.
He kneels down next to the chair, and takes my hand in his.“What’s wrong?” he asks, gently squeezing my hand.
“Oh Carlos,” I croak. “I think the wedding maybe off,” I sniff.
Carlos gasps. “Why?” I shake my head, I don't want to tell him.
Then I think, maybe he can give
me some advice? He and Rob have been married for years now, I’m sure he can tell me something that will ease my fears.
“Don't tell Rob,” I whisper.
“I won't, I promise. Now come on, let it all out sunshine.” I take a deep breath and start at the beginning, when I’m done, Carlos looks a little mystified.
“Is that it?” He says.
“Um...yeah?” I frown back at him.
“Coral, you’re over analysing it. Look, I get his point of view, but I get yours too. And as for what he said, we all say things we don't mean when we’re mad sunshine.”
“Yeah I know that Carlos, Joyce said the same thing. But I’m pissed at him, he really upset me last night, I’m not even sure if I should be doing this!” I squeak in a high pitched voice.
Carlos sighs sorrowfully at me. “You know he’s right for you Coral. I know you know that.” I shake my head and fight back more tears. “Look, if there wasn’t any wedding and he just walked out, you wouldn’t be thinking the two of you are through, you’d just be pissed at him and the two of you would sort it out when he woke up!”
“Maybe,” I mumble.
“Coral, do you know how many times I have told Rob it’s over and stormed out?”
“You have?” I gasp.
Carlos titters at my shocked expression. “Yep, loads of times, we are not as perfect as you think we are,” he says.
“But’ – “Hey, I’m not complaining, the make-up sex is really great!” He interrupts, his eyes glinting wickedly.
I think my chin actually hits the floor.
“Now, what you need to do is make him one of those fabulous hangover Smoothies of yours, take it up to him, make him drink it, then shag his brains out!”
I burst out laughing. “Shag his brains out?”
“Yes. Now let me get this out of your hair so you can do exactly that!”
“Oh Carlos,” I sigh. “I really do love you. And thank you for the gift, it’s beautiful.”
“Just like you.” He blows me a kiss.
I smile back at him, feeling a little better. I watch Carlos taking his time as he carefully removes the hairpiece.
“Right, all done! Come on, this is defcon five! We need to execute this plan immediately, we can't have you worrying like this.” Taking hold of my hand, he marches me out of Edith’s bedroom...
TEN MINUTES LATER, I am stood in the kitchen, with my coffee in one hand and Tristan’s Smoothie in the other. I look up at Carlos, feeling very apprehensive – I’m not sure this is a good idea!
“You’ll be fine,” he tells me. “Now go on, go do what I told you!” He adds, his eyes glinting wickedly.
I sigh heavily, and head back up the stairs. Reaching our bedroom door, I silently push it open. Then I tentatively walk across the large space, and place both our drinks down on the bedside cabinet. Tristan is in exactly the same position I left him in earlier.
I pick up the chair, place it next to the bed, and just stare at him while I drink my coffee. I wonder if Carlos is right? That I am over-reacting? Or maybe Joyce is right and I’ve got wedding nerves? I sigh inwardly, pull my leg up and gently shake him with my foot.
“Tristan,” I coo. “Wake up, it’s time to drink your smoothie.” I get nothing. Hmph!
I take another sip of my coffee, I’m about to shake him again when his one eye flutters open.
“Good morning,” I say, trying to sound confident.
“No need to shout.” He groans, his face contorted in pain.
It makes me want to laugh at him. There’s no way any shagging is about to commence, besides I’m not sure I do want to shag him!
“Sorry,” I bluntly say. I put my cup down, and pick up the Nurofen and his Smoothie. “Tristan, I promise you if you drink this and go back to sleep, when you wake, you won't even feel like you had a drink last night.”
He looks so sorrowfully at me, I thaw a little. “Ok,” he croaks. I hand him the glass.
“Want these too?” I ask, showing him the Nurofen in my open palm.
He nods once, his eyes half closed and drinks the rest of the Smoothie back with the tablets. His head hits the pillow the moment he’s done, and he’s out cold again.
I smirk at him. He reminds me of me when I’m hung-over.
Taking the glass out of his hand, I pick up my coffee cup, and walk out of the bedroom, softly closing the door behind me...
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
AT TWELVE NOON, EDITH CALLS US ALL INTO THE KITCHEN. She has made a wonderful spread of food for everyone. There’s cold meats, pork pies, boiled eggs, lots of salad, bread rolls and my favourite – Jacket Potatoes that have been cut in half and have cheese melted on them – my stomach rumbles in appreciation.
Carlos, Rob, and I are sitting at the breakfast bar, whilst the four chaps from Rob’s team are sitting round the breakfast table. I’ve never met them before, but they all seem like a jovial bunch. I wonder for a moment if I should take something up for Tristan, but quickly decide against it. I’m still mad at him and worried. I have no idea what he’s going to say to me when he wakes up, or what my reaction will be to it, and that has my stomach fluttering with nerves, making it so hard to eat.
I put down my fork and stare into space. The radio is playing in the background. Edith must have it on some lovey-dovey station because they keep playing lovey-dovey songs, which is not helping!
“Knew you’d have wedding nerves!” Rob titters, eyeing my half eaten plate of food.
Carlos kicks his foot. “Leave her alone Rob!” I bob my tongue out at him and try to eat some more, but it’s just not happening!
Kodaline’s All I Want starts playing. It’s sad and haunting, so of course I know it. I close my eyes and try not to listen, it’s too poignant. It reminds me of Justin leaving, and the pain I felt back then. I try not to think about how I’ll feel if this is over between Tristan and I, but all I can hear are the words...
‘So you brought out the best of me.’
‘A part of me I’ve never seen’
‘You took my soul and wiped it clean’
‘Our love was made for movie screens’
I blink back tears as I try to block the rest of the song out, but it’s just not happening. I instantly feel like throwing up. I launch myself off the stool, dash down the hallway and run down the stairs, not stopping until I’ve reached the garden – Holy fuck!
I take several deep breaths trying to calm myself down...I suddenly realise that losing Tristan won't feel like it did when Justin and I split, it will be something else entirely. Something I can't even put into words, something that I think will feel like death, like he’s dead and I’m dead, only I‘m not dead. I’m just this empty shell of a person, walking around in a body, not thinking or feeling anything anymore.
And in that moment, I realise I’m not angry with Tristan anymore, the fear of losing him, of really thinking what it would feel like to not have him in my life has overtaken that, I sink down onto one of the sun loungers, and hang my head in my hands.
I feel him before I see him. My breath catches in my throat, I slowly turn around and watch Tristan’s tall figure walking over to me, I stop breathing and try to work out his demeanour.
Is he mad, sad, happy? I have no idea!
But I do notice that he’s dressed only in a pair of baggy, light grey pyjama bottoms, that are hanging low on his hips, his torso is bare and beautiful, and his hair is all messed up, he looks sexy as hell!
I bet Rob enjoyed the show – Coral!
Then I notice it, the little note I left on the bedside cabinet is in his hand. Reaching me, he sinks to his knees in front of me and takes my hand in his and just stares down at it.
“I think it’s me that should be sorry, not you.” He sighs heavily and looks up at me with his wide chocolate eyes, then swallows hard. Then he stares down at the floor, his eyebrows pinched together. I stay silent.
“Coral, if you want...some time...to rethink us, I can understand that. My beh
aviour last night was...unforgivable. I never should have said those things to you.”
“Why did you Tristan, why did you react like that?” I ask in a not so nice manner.
He shakes his head and stares down at our entwined fingertips.
“Spit it out Tristan!” I bite.
He looks up at me all wounded and broken.
“I...I don't know why I said those things. I was angry at you, angry at myself for being angry with you. I was pissed as hell with Susannah for doing that to herself...mortified you’d seen it...” He breaks off for a moment. “I’m so sorry for reacting that way, for shouting at you, and for walking out on you. I wasn’t very supportive, I should have been comforting you after what you’d seen, not shouting at you and walking out.”
“I don’t believe this!” I hiss, my leg jigging up and down with anxiety. The hell this man has put me through over the past twenty-four hours!
Tristan tentatively reaches up, takes my face in his hands and gazes up at me, his eyes red and bloodshot – Has he been crying?
“Coral, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you for my appalling behaviour last night. I am so, so sorry, but if it’s any conciliation they’re just words baby – You have my heart, it’s yours, forever.” I swallow hard. I seemed to have lost the power of speech.
Tristan squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, then he glances up at me again. I can see the pain, the apprehension, he’s not sure what my reaction is going to be.
“Can you ever forgive me?” He asks, swallowing hard again and staring at the floor.
I sigh heavily. “I don't know,” I whisper.
His eyes dart up to mine, his face panic stricken, his hands slide down from my face and rest on his thighs.
“You said some pretty harsh stuff Tristan’ – “I didn’t mean a word of it,” he interrupts, his breath coming in sharp gusts.
“Tristan, you said the wedding was off, that I was making you doubt us, and that I’m self destructing us!” I say, scowling at him.
“I know, I know,” he says, his eyes wider than I’ve ever seen them. “I don't doubt us, and I know you’re not self-destructing us, and I want to marry you, more than you will ever know,” he sighs heavily. “I was an asshole for saying those things to you, I know that...I was really angry and I didn’t know what to do with it, and I took it out on you, and I shouldn’t have. I’m so sorry.” He says, his voice breaking on him.
Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him Page 136