When she was satisfied that she was far enough away, she stopped and bent over, waiting for her body to reject the large amount of alcohol she had just consumed, but instead she began to cry. She was heartbroken and felt so stupid. First Daniel left her for Katie and now Randy was screwing someone else. What was so wrong with her that people couldn’t love her? She stood up straight, lifted her head up high and put her hands on her hips. She had to regain composure. One way or another, she would not be known as the pretty girl that couldn’t keep a guy.
She wiped her face and began to walk, or at least try. Thanks to her alcohol binge, her drunken stupor began to come back with a bigger punch than before. This time she didn’t have anyone to hold her up. She walked toward the water front, pressing against trees as she did, hoping if she could stick her feet in the cool water it may sober her up some. In her fog it seemed logical.
To her surprise the water wasn’t even cool in the hot June night. She barely felt it at all. Unable to stay still, she pushed through the sand and water, making a zigzag along the water’s edge. When she realized how dark and quiet it was, she turned around to look the way she had come and saw just how far she had walked. She could barely see Brad’s house at all.
She sat down on the sand, laid back and stared up at the immense dark sky. There wasn’t a cloud in sight and there were thousands of stars twinkling up above, or at least it looked that way to her. For the first time all year, after running away from it as hard as she could, she actually enjoyed the quiet. But it wouldn’t last long.
“Maris?”
Startled, she quickly turned her head at the voice and saw the one person she never expected to see.
“Daniel,” she breathed out.
“What are you doing out here?”
Still laying down, not trusting herself to try to sit up, she looked around the beach for Katie. “Nothing, I just needed to get away. How about you?”
He ran a hand through his hair. “Pretty much the same.”
She stared up at him curiously for a moment. “Would you like to sit? We can get away together.”
“Yeah, I’d like that,” he said smiling and sat on the sand and silently stared out at the dark water. “You know, I really am sorry about everything that happened. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“Sometimes people do things without realizing it,” she whispered.
“Maybe. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am and that I really did care about you.”
They sat in silence again, with the only sound being heard, was from the slight waves rolling in. It was the most peaceful sound and it could comfort any heart.
“Do you remember when we used to do this?”
Daniel looked down at Marissa Lou and smiled. “Yeah, I do.”
She turned to look at him. “You know, I don’t bite. You can lie back too. The view is much better from down here.”
He laughed out and lay down on the warm sand and stared up at the sky.
“Look, a shooting star!” she said excitedly and pointed at the sky.
“Looks like you get to make a wish.”
“Hmm,” she said thinking about what she wanted. “But what if it doesn’t come true?”
“It’s your wish. It’ll come true if you want it to.”
She smiled and leaned over, pressing her lips to his.
He pulled her back slightly and looked at her quizzically. “Maris—”
“Shh, it’s my wish, remember?” she said and pressed her lips to his again, this time he didn’t fight her or pull her away. She had been imagining this moment for so long. His lips felt as soft and full as she remembered. She was lost in them and she never wanted to stop, but she knew she had to.
When she pulled back she lay back on the sand facing him and grabbed his hand and held it.
“Maris—”
“I know,” she whispered. “That was just between us, okay?”
He looked up at the sky, a million questions and thoughts all over his face. “Damn it!” he cursed, grabbed her face and kissed her.
Unlike her soft kisses, his were fast and hungry, and she didn’t fight it. When his tongue flicked across hers she thought her whole body was going to explode. She wrapped her arms around his back bringing him closer to her. She would have rolled over on top of him to take control, but she didn’t trust her balance enough to be that exposed with just his body under her to keep her up right. So she willed him to go further, to make her feel like he used to. She ran her hands up and down his back, squeezing at his shirt in tight fists. She could feel him beginning to tense up, like he was about to put a halt on things.
“Please don’t stop,” she moaned.
Still kissing her lightly, he opened his eyes and met hers.
She pleaded through her eyes for him to keep going.
He was powerless to that stare, always had been. He lifted her shirt and made a wet trail of kisses from her lips, down the side of her neck and across the soft of her stomach. Her body arched at the gentle touch and she was done for.
Later, she would think back on that moment with fondness, a tiny sliver in her life that would get her through the worst days and possibly even change everything. But right now, lying in the sand beside the one person who had ever meant anything to her, who she just made to cheat on her best friend, she felt guilty. That wasn’t who she was and she was fairly certain, had she not been so intoxicated, she wouldn’t have done it at all.
“Oh, my God, I’m so screwed,” he breathed, sitting up quickly. “What have we done?”
Marissa, who was staring at him, reeling in bliss, blanched at his words. “What do you mean?”
Daniel ran his hands across his face. “Maris—”
“No, please don’t,” she said sitting up as well, feeling ashamed. She held her hand out to him to stop whatever regrets he might be feeling. She pulled her shirt down and stood up, feeling very sober all of a sudden, and kicked her jeans back on.
“Maris, we should probably talk about this.”
“Daniel, I said no. You already told me it was a mistake. There’s nothing else you could say to hurt me more. I’ve got to go.” Without giving him a chance to say anything else, she ran down the beach, away from him and away from Brad’s house where Katie or Randy might be, until she got to the main road. She then walked the rest of the way home, with her mind racing much faster than her legs could take her.
She wished she had a drink, or maybe even a line of cocaine that she knew Randy had in his pocket. At that thought she hesitated for a moment, and even stopped walking and turned around, a sudden urge to go back to the party to find Randy slammed through her.
“Girl, you gotta get it together. That boy was screwing another girl. You saw it with your own eyes,” she chastised herself and began to walk toward her house again. But after a few steps she stopped again with her heart racing. “What the heck.” She placed her hand over her chest, feeling her heart pounding under her touch. When she removed her hand she noticed that her hand was shaking and no matter how she flexed it or held it, it wouldn’t stop.
Randy will make it stop. He always knew what I needed, she thought and without another thought, she took off running back toward Brad’s house.
By the time she got to Brad’s driveway, she was panting for air and confused all over again. She bent over to catch her breath, holding her cramping sides with shaking hands.
“I can’t go back in there,” she said to herself, shaking her head back and forth, telling her inner self, “NO!”
“What the hell is wrong with me?” she asked herself and tears began to pool in her eyes. “Oh my God, it’s the drugs. It had to be,” she said with disgust.
She partook in a constant mind-numbing stupor for the past ten months and only now did she realize the need for it that was left behind until she was in the position to never have it anymore. She could always go back to Randy and pretend nothing ever happened. He never saw her after all. Maybe she’d be able to erase t
he image out of her mind.
“No!” she screamed and began to run again, this time back the way she came, to her house. She didn’t stop running until she was in her house, that way she wouldn’t be able to talk herself out of it.
Surprising her, her parents were still awake and eating a slice of her graduation cake in the kitchen.
“Hey, honey, want some cake?” her mom asked, barely looking up.
“Umm, no thank you.”
“Suit yourself. It’s pretty good.” Her mom took another bite then look up at her and tilted her head. “Is everything okay?”
“Umm, what, oh yeah. I’m fine,” Marissa Lou stuttered.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m going to go to bed.”
“‘Kay, good night, honey.”
Her parents looked at each other, both shrugging their shoulders and continued to eat their cake, while Marissa Lou went to her room.
Without changing clothes she lay on her bed and curled herself into a ball. Images from the night replayed over and over in her mind. Her shaking increased, so she wrapped her blanket around herself to warm her chill, but then she started to sweat profusely and kicked the blanket off. All she wanted to do was sleep and get past this horrible day, but her body wouldn’t let her.
She jumped up from her bed and hurried to the bathroom and found a bottle of Tylenol PM. She took four hoping it would knock her out and sooth her pounding headache and went back to her bedroom. After lying in her bed for a few minutes and she still wasn’t asleep or feeling any better, so she took four more, then another four.
Before long she was beginning to drift to sleep, except her breathing was becoming more and more labored and she felt weak. So much so, she couldn’t lift her hands and she could barely open her eyes.
Realizing what she had done, she crawled on her hands and knees to the bathroom, leaned over the toilet and stuck her finger down her throat to get rid of the pills. All she wanted to do was sleep, not kill herself. She was so afraid that she wouldn’t be able to make the pills come up. She cried as she gagged on her finger, with panic coursing through her. After, what seemed like an eternity, she finally managed to vomit, but she was too weak and sleepy to hold her eyes open any longer. She just hoped that it was enough.
In her mind’s eye, she focused on one image; Daniel’s face, and hoped and prayed she’d make it through the night to see him again.
She blinked into the light that appeared around her, scared to look at it directly, fearing she had died and was being pulled into the afterlife like she’d seen in the movies.
“Marissa Lou?”
Mom? She blinked slowly, trying to get her bearings.
“Marissa Lou, are you feeling sick?”
“Mom,” she croaked.
Her mom bent down and pushed Marissa Lou’s sweaty hair out of her face. “Honey, are you drunk?”
Marissa Lou shook her head back and forth. She didn’t want to tell her mom that she was drunk earlier because she wasn’t drunk anymore, not that she could tell, so there didn’t seem like there was a point. Now she was just sleepy and slightly numb feeling. “No. But there is definitely something wrong.” Marissa Lou managed to sit up and rest her elbow on the toilet to hold her weak head up. “I need help, Mom,” she said and began to cry.
Her mom knelt down beside her. “What kind of help, honey?”
“I’ve screwed up a lot lately, Mom. And I’m so scared I won’t be able to get myself out of it.”
“Are you sure you’re not just being dramatic?”
“I wish I were.” She cried even harder. “I’ve been doing drugs, Mom. A lot of them. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to let it get so out of hand.”
“Marissa Lou!” she hissed.
“I know, I know. I’m a terrible daughter.”
“Oh, honey,” she said wrapping her arms around Marissa Lou’s frail body and held her. “What can I do?”
“I think I need to go somewhere. Somewhere far away from here.”
“Like rehab?”
Marissa Lou looked up at her mom with tears and mascara smeared all over her face, and shook her head. “Please, Mom. I need help. Please help me. Get me out of here. I don’t want to die.”
Her mom studied her for a moment then brought her back to her and rubbed her hair like she’d done when she was a little girl. “Shh, we’ll figure this all out.”
Epilogue
With a clean mind, Marissa Lou was able to clearly see everything that had gone wrong this past year. Breaking up with Daniel was the biggest mistake of her life. She loved him so much, but she also loved Katie. They were best friends and all she ever wanted for the people she loved was for them to be happy. Even if it was at the sake of her own happiness. Unfortunately, even though it was her decision, she let it destroy her. The only comfort she could find, was with Randy. She couldn’t see it at the time, but being with him put the nail in the coffin.
She’d thought he cared about her, and only wanted her to be happy. Even if keeping her wasted was what it took. Looking back, she now realized he didn’t care about her at all. He was possessive and fed her whatever he wanted to keep control over her. She couldn’t remember many times in the past year where he wasn’t stuck to her side, with his arm wrapped around her, and her as high as a kite from the drugs he provided for her. She thought it was him that was so intoxicating, but it was really the addiction he fed her. The thought sent chills through her body.
With three months sobriety, she had a new prospective on life. While in rehab and commencing the Twelve-Step Program she rose to Step Eight— asking for forgiveness— she knew there was only one person she wanted to talk to. There was so many things she wanted to say to him, but what he would say would change everything.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Daniel?” she said nervously into the phone.
“Marissa Lou?”
“Yeah, how have you been?”
“Good, I guess. Busy like usual.” There was a pause. “Where have you been? I haven’t seen you since, since the graduation party.”
Marissa Lou breathed heavily into the phone. “I’ve been staying with my aunt and uncle in Pennsylvania,” she lied. Telling him that she was in rehab for the past three months was too embarrassing. “I had to get away, you know, to clear my mind and all?”
“Why didn’t you say good-bye to anyone? Everyone has been worried.”
She chewed on her lip. “It was an emergency. Besides, I didn’t really want to see anyone at the time. Not after how I left things.”
“Oh, well when are you coming back? College is starting soon.”
“I’m not really sure,” she said honestly. “I wasn’t calling about all that anyway. I’m calling to tell you how sorry I am about everything that happened.”
“Maris, it wasn’t just your fault.”
“I know. But I had a hand in everything that happened. I have so many regrets. I can’t even being to list them all.” Tears began to pool in her eyes. “I think one of my biggest regrets was leaving you the way I did the night of the graduation party. I was so messed up and confused.” What she should have done that night was clung to him and told him how much she loved him and needed him, and begged him for another chance.
“I know what you mean. It was pretty crazy. I wasn’t expecting that to happen and after not seeing you again I didn’t want you to feel like I was blowing you off.”
“Me either,” she whispered, feeling silly just thinking about that night.
“Umm, there’s something I wanted to tell you, especially before you come back and find out on your own. Katie’s pregnant.”
His words made her heart stop and the air got knocked out of her chest. They were going to have a baby. A perfect little reflection of the two of them to link them forever.
“Marissa Lou?”
“I’m here,” she croaked, and the tears that were hanging in her eyes began to fall. “That’s so great. I, umm, I have to go. I just want
ed to say I’m sorry and to let you know that I’m taking care of myself and getting better.”
“I’m so happy to hear that. Take care, Maris. I’ll see you when you get back.”
“‘Kay,” she whispered and hung up the phone.
She felt numb, except for the pain in her heart. She had hoped to go back home and resume her life, maybe even find her way back into Daniel’s heart. But talking to him made her remember that she’d run from that life for a reason. Besides, now there wasn’t anything left to go back to. There was too much pain. She told Daniel she was going to take care of herself and get better, and she fully intended to do that, but that would be impossible to do if she went back home and had to watch Katie and Daniel grow their perfect family together.
No, she’d go on and live her life the best she could. Maybe she’d go to college there in Pennsylvania and build the life she wanted. The life she deserved. One day she might be strong enough to go back home to face her past, but for now she was looking toward the future, and it was wide open and as bright as she wanted. It was her life to live after all. Recovery was rough at first, but she made it through the dark days, and had faith that she could face any new obstacle that came her way. She had seen it a lot since being in rehab, people always pointing their finger, blaming others for the problems in their life, when in fact, the only person to blame for anything that any one person did, was themselves.
She knew where she went wrong. The powers that be loved to say marijuana was the gateway to all the other drugs. To a point she believed that, but it wasn’t true in her case. Her gateway was heartache; the drugs were merely a byproduct of that pain.
Hometown Girls: Beginnings (Hometown Girls Series Book 1) Page 11