GEORGE. Wants to see Cap’n Barley.
MRS. PORTER. A young lady!
(ALL stop dancing and turn to look at ETHEL, who is down L., rather abashed; MEN group close together with great admiration.)
CAPTAIN. Eh? Wants me? Who? (sees ETHEL, raises his cap) God bless me! (crosses to her hastily) Good evening, miss.
GEORGE.
MRS. PORTER. BILL.
JACK. TOM. AUGUSTUS. CAPTAIN. TED. JOE. — ETHEL.
(GEORGE goes up L. to c. MRS. PORTER sniffs as she watches CAPTAIN’S attentive attitude, and stands on a stool to be able to see.)
ETHEL. YOU said I could come here, you know. CAPTAIN. SO I did, miss. So I (MEN snigger. CAPTAIN glares at them; they look serious.)
(to TOM) Here, Tom.
TOM. Aye, sir. (pushes through men to CAPTAIN)
CAPTAIN. Stand those chaps —— (getting money out)
(MEN smack their lips.)
Stand those chaps a drink. (gives money) And keep them quiet.
TOM. Thank ‘ee, sir.
(TOM is dashing up c., as if to go out. The MEN at once surround TOM, saying, “Here! Come bade!” and they proceed to the top end of the bar shouting, “Missus, missus!”)
CAPTAIN. Silence! Belay there. Now, miss. (MRS. PORTER goes to lower end of bar.)
ETHEL. I — I — you said I might have a trip in your ship any time I liked.
(MRS. PORTER is keenly watching CAPTAIN. GEORGE looks on with every sympton of delight, dusts pot up c., listens.)
CAPTAIN. SO I did, miss — and so you can.
MEN. (pleading) Missus — missus.
(MEN go down.)
MRS. PORTER. (down R.) All right. (goes up, MEN follow her.)
ETHEL. And you are going to London?
(MRS. PORTER is down R.)
CAPTAIN. TO London town. That’s right. ETHEL. What is the fare, Captain Barley?
— (MEN growl.)
What is the fare?
CAPTAIN. Fare, miss? Nothing.
MEN. (annoyed) Missus! (some whistle)
MRS. PORTER. Wait a bit — wait a bit.
CAPTAIN. When you’ve finished warbling —
(MRS. PORTER is about to draw three quarts, then puts them down under counter.)
TED. Aye, aye, sir.
CAPTAIN. Stow that flute.
(ETHEL is startled.)
CAPTAIN. We’re not licensed to carry passengers, you know. (tenderly) They have to come as our — friends. —
ETHEL. Oh, but —
CAPTAIN. (hastily) And very pleased we are to have ’em, miss.
(MRS. PORTER skittishly throws a piece of sugar at the Captain. He winces, but takes no notice. MEN laugh.)
MEN. (angry) Missis!
MRS. PORTER. (gets pots). All right! All right! MEN. ‘Tain’t all right, it’s all wrong.
ETHEL. And you’ll go straight to London? CAPTAIN. We’ve got to go to Hedge End first.
ETHEL. (alarmed) Oh, but Hedge End is so near! (stops)
CAPTAIN, (with enjoyment) Don’t they know you’re coming! Well, you can keep in the — um — saloon.
(MRS. PORTER throws another piece of sugar. Surprise of ETHEL and disgust of CAPTAIN.)
You’ll be as safe as houses.
ETHEL. Oh, I’m sure I shall be safe under your care. Even if there are storms.
(MEN come lower down.)
TED. Are we to have that beer?
TOM. Or are we not?
MRS. PORTER. Don’t you see I’m busy? (Turns away)
(MEN go up grumbling.)
TOM. Busy! Let’s go to the Peal o’ Bells.
JACK. Let’s go somewhere else.
JOE. What a place.
TED. YUS.
BILL. Come on.
(They all five go up. AUGUSTUS goes up into window. JACK, JOE and BILL exeunt c. TOM and TED go to bar. TOM tosses coin.)
(MRS. PORTER throws a third piece hard. CAPTAIN picks it up and walks to bar.)
CAPTAIN. (with great dignity) I think you dropped this piece o’ sugar, Mrs. Porter? (goes to R. c.)
MRS. PORTER. (tossing her head) Ho! There’s two more pieces you can pick up.
(MEN snigger. CAPTAIN glares at them, they look vacant.)
TOM. (sweetly) Missis! —
MRS. PORTER. (sternly) Less noise, please. (to CAPTAIN, suavely but loudly) Captain Barley, wouldn’t your grand-daughter like to sit down?
(MEN snigger. CAPTAIN glares. With a flourish c. GEORGE offers her a chair c., which he gets from L.)
ETHEL. (to him, sweetly) Thank you. (sits) (CAPTAIN pushes GEORGE up c.)
CAPTAIN. (to ETHEL) We shall be ready for you to-morrow morning at half-past eight.
(GEORGE picks up sugar and eats it up L. C.)
(MRS. PORTER is viciously wiping glasses and watching them.)
ETHEL. (alarmed) Oh! But what am I to do to-night?
CAPTAIN. (amazed) To-night?
AUGUSTUS.
MRS. PORTER. TED. — GEORGE.
TOM. — CAPTAIN.
ETHEL.
ETHEL. (drawing him down to her by his sleeve)
You see — I’ve run away — (at his amazed movement she nods) ‘m! and I can’t go back.
CAPTAIN. Well, I’m — never — you’re the right sort of sailor’s lass, so you are. I tell you what —
(CAPTAIN bends down to whisper. MRS. PORTER rattles mugs together. He glares at MRS. PORTER, then bends down again. MRS. PORTER repeats rattle.)
You must sleep on board.
ETHEL. Oh! Can I?
CAPTAIN. I’ll have the cabin put ship-shape for you. (calls) Augustus — Augustus.
AUGUSTUS. (advancing eagerly down R.) Yes, sir. CAPTAIN. (quietly to him) This young lady —
(CAPTAIN, seeing MRS. PORTER listening, goes behind AUGUSTUS to R., AUGUSTUS follows him round. CAPTAIN goes to speak to AUGUSTUS L., and finds him on his R.)
This young lady’s coming for a trip with us. (AUGUSTUS sniggers. CAPTAIN glares at him.)
Go aboard and shift my things to the foc’sle along of your own. I’ll have your bunk.
AUGUSTUS. Thank ‘ee, sir. And where’m I to sleep, sir?
CAPTAIN. (carelessly) I don’t know. Anywhere you like. Here — take the young lady’s bag. (AUGUSTUS, his eyes riveted on ETHEL, crosses in front to L. and stands looking at her.)
ETHEL. I’m afraid I’m giving a lot of trouble. CAPTAIN. (kindly patting her shoulder) Not a bit, miss, not a bit.
MRS. PORTER, (shrilly) Captain Bar-ley! Captain Bar-ley!
CAPTAIN, (turning with impatient annoyance) Yes, ma’am?
MRS. PORTER, (archly) I’m a-looking at you! (CAPTAIN stares other haughtily, then turns to ETHEL.)
CAPTAIN. Poor thing! She’s a bit — (taps his forehead.)
(SETON opens the swing doors and enters excitedly. When he sees ETHEL he expresses “I thought so” in pantomime, and quickly gets out of sight under the stairs.)
(AUGUSTUS is still lost in admiration of ETHEL. Sighs.)
Now then, mooney.
(AUGUSTUS starts.)
What are you waiting there for? Get aboard.
AUGUSTUS. All right, sir. I was just a-goin’.
(Exit AUGUSTUS with hag c.)
CAPTAIN. (to ETHEL) P’raps you’d like a cup of tea while we’re getting your berth ready.
(GEORGE crosses at hack of bar.)
(confidentially) Better keep out o’ sight y’ know. (pointing upstairs) There’s a sort of little coffee-room up there.
ETHEL. Thank you. (rising, goes to L. a step) CAPTAIN, (moves chair to staircase — calling) Here, George — George — jest light the gas in the Captain’s Room, will you? (talks to ETHEL L. C.)
GEORGE. Yes, sir.
CAPTAIN. (to ETHEL) Hope you’re a good sailor. GEORGE. (lights candle at bar: to MRS. PORTER) Handsome girl, ain’t she?
MRS. PORTER. (furiously) You wait till I talk to you!
GEORGE. (crosses to ETHEL) This way, miss. CAPTAIN. I’ll come up in a minute. You’ll be quite sa
fe.
(GEORGE goes upstairs and opens door at top of stairs. ETHEL follows GEORGE upstairs. — CAPTAIN watches her. Then sits cross-legged and smilingly combs his heard. ETHEL has gone into room. GEORGE snaps his fingers to MRS. PORTER, who looks up. GEORGE then points into room, then down at CAPTAIN, waggles his hand at MRS. PORTER, then exit, closing door)
TOM. TWO pots, missus.
(Exit MRS. PORTER.)
This is a bit of all right.
TED. Wot’s the good of us kicking up our ‘eels ‘ere?
TOM. Come on to the Peal o’ Bells.
TED. Come on, then. (He and TOM go up to door c., grumbling)
(TED has TOM by the arm.)
CAPTAIN. (rises, crosses to R. C.) Tom!
TOM. Aye, aye, sir. (disengages himself from Ted and comes to him; to TED)’Arf a mo’. (to CAPTAIN) Yes, sir.
(Exit TED to R. SETON comes out of his hiding-place and hears the following.)
CAPTAIN, (R. C.) Did you enjoy them drinks? TOM. (C.) Couldn’t get ’em, Captain.
CAPTAIN. Oh! Then give me back that ‘arf dollar.
TOM. Oh, Captain. (hands it to him sulkily) CAPTAIN. That’ll do, my man. (crosses to L.) You speak when you’re spoken to. (gets on stairs) Go down to the ship and lend Augustus a hand.
TOM. (grumbling) Aye, aye, sir.
(CAPTAIN goes upstairs, singing.)
CAPTAIN. “Just one girl, just one girl, I’d be happy for ever with” — Hullo!
(And closes door. ALF who has been asleep on seat in window snores. TOM glares up R., then turns left trouser pocket out; then right pocket. ALF loud snore.)
TOM. Shut up.
(SETON goes to L. of TOM and seizes his arm. TOM starts. Following scene is spoken quietly.)
SETON. (excitedly) What’s that young lady doing here?
TOM. (C., surlily) Wot young lady?
SETON. (L. C.) You’ve lost half a crown, haven’t you?
TOM. YUS.
SETON. Well, I’ve found it. (gives him coin) Now, then?
TOM. She’s coming for a trip with us. (smiles) Ho! ho!
SETON. (amazed) Trip? Where?
TOM. TO London.
SETON. (gives an astonished whistle) Phew! What sort of a craft is it?
TOM. Barge.
SETON. A barge! Great Scott! (crosses in front to R.)
(TOM makes for the door.)
Look here! Hi!
(TOM stops.)
Can I come too?
TOM. You? Likely. There ain’t no room. We shall be like herrings in a barrel as it is.
SETON. I don’t want much room.
TOM. No, but I do. Besides, the skipper wouldn’t have you. (is going, gets to the door)
SETON. Here! Come here!
(TOM stops.)
Come here!
(TOM comes down slowly.)
You desert and I’ll ship in your place. See?
TOM. (honest indignation) Eh? What d’ye take me for?
SETON. (confidentially) Come now, how much do you want?
TOM. It’s no good. (loudly) I ain’t going —
SETON. Hush!
TOM. — To lose my berth to please you.
SETON. You won’t lose your berth. You tell the skipper you’re ill.
TOM. Ill! He wouldn’t believe me.
SETON. Yes he will if you howl loud enough.
TOM. ‘Owl?
SETON. Yes. Come, if you’ll do what I tell you (looks to R.), I’ll give you a fiver.
TOM. (staring) A fi’-pun’ note?
SETON. A five-pound note.
TOM. (examining him) On a barge in them clothes? You look a lot like a honest ‘ard working man, don’t you?
SETON. Come on. (takes TOM’S arm, turns up L.) I’ll go and get some old clothes at the slop shop next door. Come on. (going up.)
TOM. (struggling) Yes, but look ‘ere! Wot ‘ave I got to do?
SETON. I’ll tell you as we go along.
(SETON drags TOM reluctantly out c to L. GEORGE comes out of the upper room; comes downstairs singing — )
GEORGE, “I’d choose to be a daisy If I could be a flower, My petals closing softly At twilight’s silent hour.”
(Crosses stage with a dancing step, rubbing his hands, and disappears through the flap of the bar and into the room behind. ALF in window, snores. He has Ascarcely disappeared when CAPTAIN BARLEY issues from the upper room, and leaning over the railing of the gallery calls — )
CAPTAIN. Mrs. Porter! Mrs. Porter! (No answer.)
ETHEL’S voice (within) Oh, never mind, Captain. I can get on quite well without tea.
CAPTAIN. (turning towards door of room, which is still open) When I give an order, it’s got to be seen to. (he comes down the stairs, shouts) Mrs. Porter! (and across to the bar. He hammers on the bar with a coin Mrs. Porter!
MRS. PORTER issues from the room behind the bar She is at her stateliest.)
MRS. PORTER. Was it you making that noise? CAPTAIN, (with great dignity) I ordered some tea. MRS. PORTER. (with more dignity) Ye-es! CAPTAIN. Well, it hasn’t come.
MRS. PORTER. NO-O?
CAPTAIN. NO.
MRS. PORTER. Have you rang the bell? CAPTAIN. Yes. Hover and hover again.
MRS. PORTER. I don’t think it’s much good ringing that bell. It’s broke.
CAPTAIN, (squirming with rage) Then why didn’t you say so? Can I have tea, or can I not?
MRS. PORTER, (indifferently) I expect the fire’s out. Still, I’ll see what can be done. I daresay the pore young thing ‘ud be glad of a cup. Has she come far?
CAPTAIN, (fiercely) Yes, she has.
MRS. PORTER. Dear me! (suggestively) Well, well, I wonder!
(Hoarse cries heard off at back. CAPTAIN turns to look.) What’s the matter?
(Renewed cries from TOM, who lurches against door.
He gets half through the door.)
(SETON follows. He now has on a patched jersey, a broken peaked cap, and huge sea-boots, and his hair is untidy. He carries his own clothes in a parcel. ALF comes out of window.)
CAPTAIN. I don’t know.
MRS. PORTER. (quickly) I can’t ‘ave that be’- aviour ‘ere, Captain Barley. It ain’t respectable. I’m very particular about this house.
(TOM howls: against settle up L.C.)
CAPTAIN. (shouts) Tom!
TOM. (groans) Oh! Oh! Oh!
MRS. PORTER. (threateningly) I’ll set George to him. George, George, etc.
(Exit behind bar.)
SETON. (aside to TOM) Keep it up.
CAPTAIN. What are you behaving like that for, eh?
TOM. (with his hand to his stomach) I — I don’t know, Cap’n. One of my old attacks, I think, wot I used to ‘ave years ago. Don’t take no notice, (flings his arms out wildly as he crosses in front of CAPTAIN to bar, nearly knocks BARLEY over, scoops mug off counter and falls on bar.)
GEORGE. (bursting in under flap, furiously) Now then! Outside, (picks mug up)
(CAPTAIN brings chair from up c., places it behind TOM.)
TOM. Don’t take no notice. I shall be all right after I’ve laid up for a few days. Don’t you mind me. (kicks out, knocks chair over. ALL start) I shall be laid up.
CAPTAIN. Laid up?
TOM. Yes. It always takes about a week, (howls) Oh, oh, oh!
(Falls into CAPTAIN’S arms. The CAPTAIN lifts him into chair c with great difficulty and help of ALP and GEORGE. SETON places chair.)
CAPTAIN. (leans against bar, breathing hard) You’d better rest a few minutes.
(GEORGE R. and ALP L. close in and watch TOM with keen interest.)
TOM. (seated c.)’Ome— ‘ome’s the only place when I’m like this.
CAPTAIN. Home? (with alarm) What about the barge?
TOM. Well — I (howls) Oh! (bends down)
ALF. (L. C., lifts TOM’S eyelid up) I don’t think there’s much the matter with him.
GEORGE. He’ll be all right in a moment.
(TOM kicks out vigorously, and catches ALF wi
th one heel and GEORGE with the other.)
(ALL start. GEORGE falls R., ALF.L. GEORGE crawls under flap and his head is seen looking over bar. ALP crawls up stage.)
ALP. (ruefully rubbing his shin) Does kicking ease you a bit, mate?
(Exit C.)
CAPTAIN. (crosses to down L., scratching his head, nonplussed) Here’s a go! My word, here’s a go!
SETON. (down to L. C., touching his cap) I’m wanting to get to London, sir, and I’d be pleased to work my way.
CAPTAIN. (suspiciously) You? Where the devil do you come from?
SETON. Missed my ship — the Stargazer — last night.
TOM. (gasping) He’s all right, sir. I’ve known ‘im for years.
(CAPTAIN goes round in front of SETON to R. of him.)
CAPTAIN. (deliberating) Have you sailed a barge before?
SETON. (respectfully) I was brought up on one, so to speak, sir.
CAPTAIN. (with an air of making a great concession) Well, if Tom ain’t no better — by the time we sail — (TOM howls, goes to bar. CAPTAIN to SETON) S’truth, he is bad — you can work your way to London if you like.
SETON. Thank’ee, sir, much obliged, sir.
(Enter AUGUSTUS C.)
AUGUSTUS. Hist! Hist! Cap’n! Cap’n.
CAPTAIN. Well? (goes up to door L. AUGUSTUS lakes him apart and whispers to him)
TOM. Hist! Hist! (to SETON, who crosses to him — in a hoarse whisper) Wot about that fiver, Mister.
RETON. Sit tight, we’re not through yet.
CAPTAIN. (goes down L. C., evidently disturbed) I’ve got to go down to the ship. By the way, what’s your name?
SETON. (C.) Stubbs, sir. Bill Stubbs, sir.
CAPTAIN. (takes SETON down c.) Well, look here, Bill Stubbs, Augustus says there’s a middle-aged party been down to the barge inquiring arter me — in case she comes up here tell her I’ve gone away, and there’s no knowing when I shall be back.
SETON. Ay, ay, Captain!
CAPTAIN. She’s a bit wrong in ‘er ‘ead. Might try and give the idea — to people as didn’t know me — that — that there was something between us —
TOM. (forgetting himself and tapping his nose) Oh, Cap’n, Cap’n!
CAPTAIN. (furious, crosses to TOM) What d’ye mean? (SETON goes up and down to L.) What are you tapping that fat nose o’ yourn at me for? (doubles fist and advances upon him)
TOM. The pain’s flew up there — ow!
(CAPTAIN looks at him suspiciously — then makes for the door.)
CAPTAIN. Yes, I wonder. Back soon. Oh! (comes back, down L. — to SETON, slyly and with one eye on TOM) There’s a young lady (pointing to coffee-room up there. (TOM starts to laugh and turns it swiftly into a howl) She’s coming for a trip with us. (CAPTAIN glares at TOM) I’ve ordered tea for her. See that she gets it, and — keep an eye on her — keep an eye on her.
Works of W. W. Jacobs Page 281