by Shell Taylor
Kollin ground his teeth together and took a deep breath. “I said that because you’re you, and we’re friends, not because of what parts you do or don’t have. You just refused to let me explain that.”
Riley stabbed one of his apples as he avoided Kollin’s gaze. “Doesn’t change the fact that you only like cock.”
Kollin blinked, taken aback by Riley’s harsh tone and stung by his words. He opened his mouth, ready to defend himself. Whatever had put Riley in a foul mood, Kollin didn’t deserve to take the brunt of his misplaced anger. But though he searched for the words to tell Riley how wrong he was, he couldn’t find them.
Kollin did like cock. He’d only been with a few men, but he enjoyed the physical aspect of his relationships immensely, and a big part of that was loving the way another man’s cock felt rubbing against him or moving inside of him. All that time, Kollin had been so focused on building up Riley and convincing him that he was no different than any other guy, he’d forgotten Riley was different. Maybe it didn’t make him any less of a man, but the difference couldn’t be ignored. Shouldn’t be ignored. Riley deserved more than that.
“Never mind,” Riley said softly. “I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s just been a long and weird week. Greg told me to make sure I don’t let my secret out while we’re here, and now I’m hyperaware of every little thing I do. It’s so draining.”
“Ri….”
“Can we get her to pack up this food? I’d really like to go back to the hotel and go to sleep.”
Kollin studied Riley’s face while he signaled their waitress. Panic had settled over his features. He refused to look at Kollin, and every movement he made was exaggerated.
For the second time, and against his better judgment, Kollin dropped it. What else was he to do? What if Riley were right? He’d never considered having a sexual relationship with any trans man. Maybe there was more to his dismissal of Riley as a potential date than he thought.
Kollin forced a smile on his face. “If that’s what you want. Sure.”
They didn’t say anything else as their waitress brought over two take-home boxes. Kollin paid the check for both of them, and Riley offered a quiet thanks. Uncertain of how Riley would welcome any form of physical contact, Kollin kept both hands deep in his pockets as he jerked his head toward the far side of the lot. “I’m over here. Guess I’ll see you Friday evening?”
“I’ll be there. Thanks again for dinner.”
Kollin nodded once and turned toward his car, more confused by Riley’s hot-and-cold actions than ever.
RILEY TURNED on the shower in the hotel bathroom. He didn’t particularly feel like showering, but he didn’t want to sit in the room with Greg either. While the water heated up, Riley slowly pulled off his clothes. He avoided the mirror and stepped into the shower. Instead of standing under the spray, he immediately sank to the floor and curled into a ball. The water was hot—too hot, really. But Riley welcomed the bite. He lay on the shower floor, pushed everything out of his mind, and watched the water swirl down the drain.
A knock on the door eventually pulled him out of his nothingness, and he heard Greg’s gruff voice call his name. “You okay?”
Riley closed his eyes for a moment and forced himself off the bottom of the tub. How long have I been in here? He cleared his throat and called out, “Yeah. Just working out the kinks from the day.”
No way would Greg buy his bullshit. Riley could hear the hollowness in his tone. Nevertheless, he exited the shower quickly, not even bothering to soap himself up after all that time, and pulled on his sleep clothes. A quick glance in the mirror confirmed he’d been crying. His eyes were puffy, red, and impossible to hide at that point.
With as little fanfare as possible, Riley darted out of the bathroom and crawled under the covers. One of the best perks of hotel life was leaving the air conditioning on frigid temperatures, and the room currently felt cold enough to host the Winter Olympics. His sheets were cold, and Riley shivered beneath them so hard that Greg asked if he should turn down the AC.
“No. I’ll warm up in a minute.”
Greg grunted and returned to his TV show. Riley assumed he’d gotten off scot-free, until the next commercial hit, and Greg cleared his throat. “Sure you’re okay?”
The concern beneath Greg’s abruptness made tears prickle at the back of Riley’s eyes. Rather than brush him off, Riley found himself opening up. “I screwed up a lot today with my friend.” He sniffed and held in his urge to cry. “First I made him think I didn’t want to be seen in public with him, and then I all but accused him of being a transphobe, which is the furthest thing possible from the truth.”
“He the fruity-lookin’ one?”
Riley slapped his palms over his face. “Oh my fuck, Greg. It’s not okay to say that.”
Greg shrugged. “Call ’em like I see ’em.” He didn’t sound sorry, but they’d had enough conversations for Riley to know Greg truly meant no harm when he said stupid shit like that.
“Just don’t say that to his face, please,” Riley said through his hands.
“You know I wouldn’t.” Riley thought Greg sounded almost hurt, but he ignored it.
“What am I gonna do if the crew finds out about me?” Riley asked, still speaking through his hands. “Kollin’s my best friend. I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Guess you’re gonna own that shit. What else is there to do?”
Riley jerked his head toward Greg. “But you acted like I needed to keep it a secret.”
“What do I know?” Greg crossed his arms over his chest.
“Well, I thought you knew a lot.”
Greg grunted again, and Riley resisted the urge to pull his hair out. They sat in silence for several minutes, and then Greg cleared his throat. “My sister…. She had some horrible shit done to her, man. I don’t want to see that happen to you, is all. Don’t suppose you should be hurting your friends to protect yourself from something that might never happen, though.”
“How bad would the crew be if they found out?”
Greg shook his head. “I don’t know them half as well as you do. More ’n likely some won’t care, some will be pissed, and some will be supportive.”
Tired of Greg’s nonhelpfulness, Riley snapped, “Thanks for that wonderful insight into something that could ruin my life.”
Greg whipped his head around to look at Riley. “Get a little big in the britches when you’re stressed out, do you?” he asked. “Look, kid. If he’s as good a friend as you say, he’ll understand.”
Riley flipped over in bed and buried his head under the pillow. He appreciated Greg’s willingness to help, but he wasn’t in the mood for his almost-but-not-really advice. Kollin had already said he would understand if Riley downplayed their friendship. But could Riley live with himself if he did that to Kollin?
Chapter 6
THE TAPPING of Kollin’s pencil eraser against his notebook grew louder with each passing second. When Adam could no longer take it, he leaned over his desk, grabbed Kollin’s wrist, and forced a smile onto his face. “Something on your mind?”
Kollin’s eyes widened for all of two seconds, and then he let the innocent façade fall away.
“Do you think I’m a hypocrite?”
Taken aback, Adam turned his chair away from his computer to face Kollin. “No. Of course not. What in the world gave you that impression?”
Kollin bounced his heel against the floor. “I’ve never considered dating a trans man.”
Adam frowned. Fear and confusion laced Kollin’s confession. What in the hell happened?
“You can’t help who you’re attracted to, Koll. Just like you can’t force yourself to like women, you can’t force yourself to have feelings for someone who’s trans. That doesn’t make you a bad person. You still treat everyone with respect. That’s what’s important.”
Kollin huffed and shook his head. “How can I tell Riley that he’ll find someone when I don’t know a single gay man who’d wa
nt to date a trans guy?”
Ah, Riley. He should’ve known. Adam sat back in his chair. “The world’s a whole lot bigger than your circle, man. Someone who’s bi or pansexual could be interested in Ri. And I’m sure there are gay men who would date him, not to mention everyone out there who doesn’t want to label themselves. You trying to hook him up or something?”
Kollin ignored his question and asked another instead. “Did you ever do it with a girl?”
“Uhh… that came out of left field.”
Kollin leaned closer to Adam. “Just answer the question, please.”
Hearing the frustration in Kollin’s voice, Adam held up a hand. “No, I didn’t. I always knew I was gay, and even though I hid it from some of my foster families, I never stayed anywhere long enough to feel the need to pretend like I had a girlfriend. Plus I was still pretty young by the time Matthew and Amelia took me in, and I didn’t have to hide, living with them. I felt no reason to test the waters.” Adam waited for Kollin to say something else. When he remained silent, Adam sat next to him on the old, ratty couch in his office. Elijah hated that piece of shit couch, but Adam refused to let him replace it. The thing was an eyesore, for sure, and hardly even comfortable anymore, but Adam had saved too many lives on it to give it up. “What’s going on, man?”
Kollin hunched his shoulders, shame written in his downcast eyes. “A couple days before Riley showed up at the center, I saw him at a bookstore. He asked to sit with me while I was studying. I didn’t recognize him at all. I thought he was trying to flirt with me, and I’d even made up my mind that I’d go out with him if he asked me. As soon as I learned who he was, that day he came in here, I lost interest.”
Adam hesitated, still not certain what Kollin specifically struggled with. “I’m a bit confused here. Do you want to date Riley? Or do you just think you should want to date him?”
“I don’t know,” Kollin said, his voice miserable. “It’s not like he even wants to go out with me, but I feel like a huge hypocrite for constantly telling him he’s no different than any other guy when I didn’t give him a second thought. Ri’s a great catch. Anyone would be lucky to be with him, and it never even crossed my mind.”
“You probably lost interest because he’s one of your best friends. What if the guy at the bookstore had asked you out and then told you he was trans? Would you have turned him down?”
Kollin groaned and leaned against the back of the couch. “Maybe? I don’t know. I’m a horrible person.”
“Stop. You are not, and you’re worrying about this for nothing. You said yourself that you don’t even think Riley is into you. Why are you beating yourself up over a hypothetical situation?” Adam paused to give Kollin a moment. “I know you want to do whatever you can to make Riley happy, but you can’t take that responsibility upon yourself. That’s his job. As his friend, it’s your job to support him.” Adam nudged Kollin’s shoulder with his own. “You’re not a hypocrite. Far from it.”
“I guess,” Kollin mumbled.
Adam groaned internally. This was one of those times he wished Kollin weren’t so empathetic. More often than Adam liked, Kollin needlessly took on other people’s burdens without recognizing how detrimental it was to his own emotional health. “I don’t know why you’re having these doubts, but I know you. Just be careful with Riley. Okay? He’s in a delicate place right now and probably will be for a while. But it’s his journey.”
Kollin nodded, indicating he’d heard, but he didn’t say anything else, so Adam returned to his desk chair. Kollin might’ve heard his words, but that didn’t necessarily mean he’d listen. Kollin and Riley were both adults, so there was only so much Adam could do. Time to take his own advice and butt out.
KOLLIN PEEKED out of his bedroom window, but the driveway remained empty. His stomach churned as he checked the clock again. Twenty minutes late.
He flopped back on his bed and tried not to stare at the clock. Kollin had spent the past couple days thinking over everything he and Adam had talked about. He still wasn’t sure how he would feel about dating any random trans man, but he had finally accepted that he wasn’t a hypocrite. He had lost interest in Riley because Riley had always been nothing more than a friend to him. Maybe when they first met, it was because Riley looked more like a girl than a guy, but that wasn’t the case anymore. But the new perspective had given Kollin a lot to consider.
He loved Riley. Plain and simple. Riley had always been the one person Kollin felt most comfortable being around. He was smart, athletic, kind, thoughtful, and had just enough sarcasm to be funny instead of mean.
Best of all he got Kollin. Really got him. On a level that so few people did. His friendship was invaluable to Kollin. And now… now Riley was cute. Like hella cute—especially on the rare occasions when he shaved. Though Riley’s scruffy look was starting to grow on him.
Asking Riley out would be awkward as hell. And their first date would probably be sixteen kinds of weird, but it could also be the start of something amazing. Did he want to miss out on what could easily turn into the most fulfilling relationship he’d ever have, just because he loved the feeling of a hard dick? There was no doubt that he loved Riley more, and his attraction to men had never been limited to just a sexual organ. He’d been with guys with small dicks. It wouldn’t be much different.
Kollin rolled off his bed and peeked out the window again. Still no truck. He crossed the room, turned on his iPod, and then turned it off again immediately. If Riley didn’t hurry the fuck up and get over there, Kollin was bound to lose his nerve. Damned if he’d let that happen. Kollin grabbed his phone to call Riley, but the distinct grumble of a diesel truck kept him from dialing. Kollin rushed downstairs and flung the door open for Riley before he even reached the stoop.
“You made it,” he said and then immediately felt dumb for stating the obvious.
“That I did.” Riley jerked his thumb over his shoulder at where Greg was pulling out of the driveway. “Last chance to change your mind. Once he’s left the gates, he’s not coming back for me.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re ours for the whole weekend.” Kollin grabbed Riley’s wrist and tugged him inside, toward the basement stairs. Excitement replaced his nervous energy. He couldn’t wait to show Riley that they’d changed the downstairs room for him.
“Wow. This is amazing,” Riley said when they reached the last step. He threw his duffel bag onto the bed. “You shouldn’t have gone to all this trouble. I could’ve slept on the couch. I can’t thank you guys enough.”
Kollin grinned. He knew Riley would have slept on the couch. Kollin had slept on it several times, and it was nearly as comfortable as his bed. But they all wanted Riley to feel at home, so Eli had bought a twin-sized bed and set it up in the far corner.
“Good thing there’s no need to, then,” Kollin said. “It’ll be fun having you right downstairs.”
Riley looked around the room. Aside from the huge TV on the wall being curved instead of flat, the room hadn’t changed much since the last time Riley had been there. Kollin hoped the familiarity helped Riley feel at home. The pool table sat in the same spot, but the kitchenette in the other corner held real food in the fridge instead of just junk food and beer. With the complete bathroom off to the left, Riley could spend his entire weekend down there in complete privacy and not come upstairs for anything.
Not that Kollin had any intentions of letting Riley do that.
“So I was thinking again about going out tomorrow night.”
“Kollin, I told you—”
“Just listen.” Kollin sat on Riley’s bed and gathered up his courage. Shitty shitballs. His apprehension returned. Too late now. “I thought we could go out dancing together.”
Riley stared at him, his face unchanging.
“Well?” Kollin asked.
“You told me to listen. I haven’t heard anything different from what you proposed the other night.”
“Don’t be difficult, Ri. Together. Like o
n a date.”
Riley’s face clouded over in something Kollin couldn’t quite identify—hurt, maybe, or possibly anger—before Ri covered it up. “You don’t have to do this just because we’ve been friends forever. Besides, you’re gay.”
Kollin took a deep breath and stood up. Slowly, and very deliberately, he reached out and grabbed the tips of Riley’s fingers with his own. He felt like the biggest idiot in the world. It was Riley, for Pete’s sake. What was he doing?
Riley’s hand felt strange in his own. They’d held hands before, but this touch carried unknown possibility and excitement. Riley’s eyes were wide, and Kollin smiled. “And you’re a man.”
“Kollin….” Riley sounded desperate. Kollin didn’t know exactly what Riley wanted to say, but he understood the conflicted and confused look behind his eyes.
“I know you’re not interested in me that way, and that’s fine. I wasn’t either before the idea popped in my mind.” Kollin took a deep breath. “But I’ve thought a lot about this, and before I knew who you were that day in the bookstore, I was looking forward to getting to know you. I may not be your dream guy, but you have to know there are gay men who are interested in more than just a one-night stand with you.” When Riley didn’t say anything, Kollin wiggled Riley’s hand. “Come on. It’s just one date. It might be awkward as hell, but what first date isn’t?”
Riley shook his head. “I can’t be some experiment to see if you like freaks. Not with you. I can’t lose you when you decide I’m too gross.”
Kollin swallowed hard. What the hell happened to Riley to give him such a low opinion of himself? “Lucky for you that I don’t put out on the first date, then.”
Riley pulled away and took a step back. “I’m serious. I can’t.”