by Shell Taylor
Riley nodded. Kollin had a point. He hadn’t meant to spill the beans like that or make it sound like Kollin was responsible for his decision, but he understood that’s how it sounded. Riley’s explanation would keep, though. Kollin deserved time to process everything.
“What do you say I text Adam and let them know we’re ready for them to come back? I’ll ask them to bring us a couple of sandwiches?”
At the mention of food, Riley’s stomach grumbled. “Sounds perfect. Just don’t order me that nasty-ass bourbon chicken sub you like so much.”
“Tell you what. We can have whatever the fuck kind of sandwiches you want from now until we figure this shit out. Deal?”
Riley grinned. “Deal.”
“Seal it with a kiss?”
Riley sighed and exaggerated his eye roll, which made Kollin laugh. “If you insist.”
Kollin cupped the side of Riley’s face. “I really, really do.”
“Good.” Riley stood and smacked a kiss on Kollin’s forehead. “Now order me a turkey on rye with no mayo while I go change.”
Chapter 15
“WHO ELSE wants turkey bacon?” Eli shouted over the general commotion in the kitchen.
“Uh… once again, no one but you eats that shit,” Kollin said as he mixed pancake batter.
“Yeah, Dad. I dunno how you eat that shit.”
Lizzie didn’t even flinch when Adam and Elijah both yelled, “Language.”
“Kollin gets to cuss,” Lizzie whined, but she continued to cut the fruit in front of her and dump it into a large bowl.
“Kollin is an adult,” Adam said and pulled a carton of eggs out of the fridge.
Apparently when Adam told Kollin Saturday-morning brunch was canceled, he meant it was postponed. Until Sunday. Which Riley found out when the clanging of pots and pans woke him early that morning.
Not that Riley minded. He actually loved the ritual and had quickly discovered that each person had a specific task, no matter what was on the menu. Lizzie nearly always cut up fruit. Kollin made the pancakes or waffles. Elijah was in charge of the breakfast meat, and Adam handled the eggs. The feeling of family and love that settled in the kitchen every Saturday was almost unbearable sometimes.
From day one they’d all taken every opportunity to make Riley feel welcome, but he still felt like an outsider when he sat there watching everyone work. The only job he’d claimed as his own was setting the table, and that took all of fifteen seconds. He once persuaded them to let him wash the dishes, but since they normally rinsed and stuck everything in the dishwasher as they cooked, he just ended up in the way.
Riley watched Elijah lean into Adam and whisper something in his ear that made Adam’s cheeks turn pink. It was almost sickening how perfect their family was.
“Hey, Ri,” Kollin said. “You want to make us a couple of sandwiches so we can head out as soon as breakfast is over?”
“Sure,” Riley agreed quickly, grateful for the busy work.
Kollin winked. “Whatever kind you want to make is fine with me.”
After spending most of the day before doing their own things, which for Riley equaled rotating between watching TV and lifting weights, Kollin suggested they spend Sunday afternoon hiking. Riley jumped at the chance to get out of the house and to spend time with Kollin doing something familiar.
“Where are you going?” Elijah asked.
Kollin shrugged. “I thought maybe we’d go to Umstead Park, since they have so many different trails.”
“Ooh,” Lizzie squealed. “Can I go too?”
“No,” Kollin said. “And don’t even try to pull ‘the face’ on me. I taught you that, and it won’t work.”
“But why can’t I go?” Lizzie whined.
“Because Riley and I want to be alone. One with nature and all that shi—crap.”
“All you two ever do is be alone, anymore,” Lizzie said. She stuck out her bottom lip and crossed her arms. “You haven’t done anything with me in forever.”
Kollin frowned and looked at Lizzie. “I’m sorry, Liz. You’re right.” He placed his spatula down and leaned against the counter next to her. “I really need to do this with just Riley today, but why don’t you and I do something special tomorrow night? Just the two of us.”
“Really?” Lizzie practically squealed. “But can’t Riley come too?”
Kollin smacked a loud kiss on the side of her face and returned to his pancake making. “That’s up to you and him, I guess.”
Warmth spread through Riley’s chest. It felt nice to be included, to have people want him to be where they were. “I think I can drag myself away from my lonely hotel room if Her Highness requests my presence.”
“Riiiiiley, don’t call me that,” Lizzie complained, but the bashful grin on her face gave away how pleased she was with his attention.
While the smell of sizzling bacon filled the air, Riley slapped their sandwiches together. He decided to go with simple peanut butter and jelly so they didn’t need to worry about how to keep them cold. Every so often the butterflies in his stomach reminded him how it would feel if Kollin decided to reject him after all. But from the way Kollin kept finding reasons to drag his hand across Riley’s ass or peek at him from the corner of his eye with a sly smile on his face, Riley felt optimistic about their outing.
Everyone lingered over breakfast, mostly discussing the antics at the center during the week. Elijah asked Riley how he felt the crew was progressing at Home for Hope, and Riley marveled at how Elijah was able to so effortlessly act as if he hadn’t all but threatened Riley two nights before. He supposed, since he hadn’t taken off, Elijah had no issues with him—though that hadn’t stopped Riley from avoiding Elijah at all costs the day before.
By the time they got on the road, it was just after eleven o’clock—damn near making it the hottest part of the day by the time they stood in front of the trail map. They decided to hike one of the shorter trails and save something more challenging for later on in the evening when the sun wasn’t quite so unforgiving. Riley considered Kollin and himself to be in pretty good shape, but he questioned that assumption an hour later as they each gulped down a bottle of water.
“Hoooo-lyshit,” Kollin said and trudged toward the trees. “We gotta find somewhere out of the blazing sun.”
“When did Umstead relocate to the pits of Hell?” Riley panted and fell onto a shady patch on the ground. He took off his hat and covered his face as he lay back. “It’s gotta be at least a hundred degrees today. What the hell were we thinking?”
A warm finger grazed across the bottom of Riley’s stomach. He jumped at first but settled quickly. “We were thinking you’d look sexy as hell sprawled all over the ground and finally showing some skin.”
Riley laughed and shook his head. He took the hat off his face to look at Kollin. “I still can’t believe you think of me like that.”
Kollin rolled onto his side and kissed Riley’s cheek. “Well, believe it, baby. I’m in for the long haul.”
Riley shook his head. “No. I don’t mean like that. I mean, sometimes I mean it like that, but….” Riley looked at Kollin. His face was relaxed and happy, and he knew what he was about to admit would delight Kollin no end. Unrequited romances were right up his alley. “I can’t believe I’m about to tell you this.”
“Oh?” Kollin’s face lit up. “Tell me, tell me, tell me.”
“Please don’t make a big deal about this.”
Kollin held up his hand and stuck out his pinky. “Pinky swear.”
They linked fingers and twisted, but instead of letting go, he rested their joined hands on Riley’s stomach. Nervousness fluttered through Riley, and he glanced around, but no one else was in sight.
Riley took a deep breath. “When we were younger… I had a wee little bit of a crush on you.”
“You what?” Kollin’s voice rose several octaves as he squealed out the last word. His smile was as wide as Riley had ever seen it, and his eyes twinkled. Oh yeah. Totally
worth the humiliation.
“Maybe it was a little more than a wee bit of a crush.” Riley covered his eyes with his free arm. “I was pretty much full-on in love with you. That’s why I always hung around you. I wasn’t quite so cynical back then. I had visions of going on T, getting surgery, and then suddenly you’d fall in love with me, and we could be together.”
“Shut. The front. Door.” Kollin could not have sounded more shocked.
“I’m so serious.” Riley peered out at Kollin, who was still grinning. “God. I was so stupid. Then all the stuff with your parents happened, and it seemed shitty to tell you I had a crush on you. And anyway, my parents were so against me doing anything to become a male, it never would’ve happened.”
“Riley Meadows.” Kollin’s voice was so loud he scared one of the animals in the woods. Riley watched the squirrel scuttle up a nearby tree while Kollin continued to gape at him. “I cannot believe you never told me. What the hell, dude?”
“Come on, Koll.” Riley looked away. “Can you really see that conversation going over well? You didn’t think of me like that, at all, back then. All you did was talk about how much you wanted to suck dick, and I sure as hell couldn’t help you out there.”
Kollin winced. “Well, shit. A minute ago, I thought the crush was cute, but now I’m realizing what a total ass I was. Why in the world did you even have a crush on me when I was such a jerk?”
Riley shrugged. “I’m telling you, man, I had it all worked out in my head. Someone could’ve written a book about our story. It was that heartbreakingly perfect. Besides, you’re the best person I know. You may have been preoccupied with things every guy your age was, at that time, but when you weren’t, all you ever wanted to do was help other people. Even back then, you were the only one at HOPE who took time to befriend the only trans kid there. How could I not crush hard on you?”
“I cannot even believe this.” Kollin laughed. “It’s almost more surprising than everything you told me last night. Even if someone had asked me, I never would’ve guessed you liked me back then.” He leaned over and kissed Riley again, this time slowly, deeply, and with intention. “I am so sorry you had to listen to me complain about so much stupid shit back then,” he said without moving away, so their lips touched with each of Kollin’s words.
Kollin kissed him again. When he finally pulled away, Riley couldn’t stop the smile from spreading on his face. Better yet, he didn’t want to. “Maybe my fairy-tale ending can still come true.”
Kollin bit his bottom lip. “Maybe so.”
They lay in silence for a while, and Riley marveled again over the fact that Kollin had somehow become interested in him. Following Elijah’s advice Riley decided not to question it anymore. He’d never understand, and if he tried to force himself to, he’d only make himself miserable.
After a while Kollin said, “Should I be worried about you doing drugs again?”
Riley closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He let the sounds and smells of summer soothe him as he searched for an honest answer.
“It’s been a while. I don’t crave them or anything. But I don’t know what will happen if I need meds after surgery.” His voice dropped. “You don’t even realize you’re addicted until it’s too late.”
“What about the drugs that weren’t pills?”
Riley shook his head. “No. There’s no part of me that wants to take anything like that again—aside from the occasional bowl anyway.”
“You don’t worry about getting addicted to weed?”
This time Riley snorted. “You can’t get addicted to weed.”
“Umm. Every DARE officer I know says differently.” Kollin grinned.
Riley laughed. “Know a lot of DARE officers, do you?”
“Oh yeah. I’m on a first-name basis with most of them. Something about those hats just gets me going. Really does it for me.” Kollin propped himself up on one elbow to look at Riley. “Maybe we can see if we can find one for you.”
Riley ignored him. “I get that you feel so good when you’re on it, you never want to stop, but it’s not like I get the shakes or something.” He nudged Kollin’s foot. “I thought you smoked before. Shouldn’t you know this?”
“What you did sounded like it was a little more serious than the occasional joint I had.” Kollin shrugged. “I’m so old now, my partying days are done, so I guess I’ll never know unless I ask the master.”
Riley laughed. “Oh my gosh. You’re barely twenty, first of all. And second of all, smoking weed every now and then is hardly considered doing drugs. It’s safer than drinking.”
“Oh really? Wanna take out a billboard to spread your message to the masses?”
Riley’s stomach soured. Was he making himself sound like some kind of pot pusher? “I’m not saying you should start smoking all the time. I mean, if it’s a big deal to you, I won’t ever do it again.”
“Of course it’s not a big deal. I’m just teasing. I thought you knew that.”
“Yeah. I did.” Riley hesitated. “Until I didn’t, anyway. Doesn’t matter. It’s all in the past.”
Kollin fell quiet again, so Riley closed his eyes.
“Did you have any help?” Kollin asked. “I know you said Greg stayed with you at first, but what about after that? How did you deal with the rest of the shit Tony did to you?”
Riley sighed. He hadn’t expected to talk about it on their outing, but he’d promised himself he’d be honest. “Not really. I have a therapist back in Boone, but I just told him what I needed to get on T and then sign off for top surgery. Dr. Maggie already knew me, though. She didn’t buy my bullshit for a minute.”
“Fuck,” Kollin whispered. “Who took care of you after the first surgery?”
“No one, really. But it’s not a bad surgery.” Kollin started to interrupt, but Riley cut him off. “I swear, Kollin. I didn’t really need anything but a week off from work. Greg knew what was going on, so he brought me Subway that night and gave me easy jobs for a while, once I was back on-site.”
Kollin fell onto his back and stared into the trees. “I keep thinking your past can’t get any worse, and then I ask another question and you prove me wrong. Is there anything else I should know?”
Riley thought about Kollin’s question for a moment. “I don’t think so.”
“Thank fuck.” Kollin rolled over to his side and rested his head on his hand. He grabbed Riley’s hand again. “What do we need to do now?”
“Well….” Riley took a deep breath and looked into Kollin’s eyes. “I spent a lot of time yesterday thinking about everything, and maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to reach out to my parents.”
“Yeah? That’s great, Riley. I hope, no matter what happens with them, you can find some peace there.”
Riley nodded. “I’m usually too busy falling apart to be the one who has to have his shit together. That’s the goal. I was wondering—hoping, I guess—that maybe you’d go with me. If they slam the door in my face, I don’t want to be alone.”
“Of course.” Kollin didn’t hesitate. “Whatever you need.”
A sigh of relief escaped. “Thank you. Are you sure, though? I can’t guarantee I’m not gonna end up a hot mess.”
“Not gonna lie. I’m terrified I’m going to fuck something up and end up hurting you somehow. But I’ll do my best to hold you together. I don’t want you to do this alone.”
“If it’ll make you uncomfortable—”
“No,” Kollin said, his voice louder than he probably intended. “That’s not what I meant at all.”
“Okay. I’ll mention it to Maggie on Tuesday. See what she thinks we should do, and go from there.” Riley picked up a stray leaf and twirled it between his fingers.
“You know what I was thinking?” Kollin asked.
Riley turned to look at Kollin. “What’s that?”
“This might be a little off-topic, but when you mentioned Maggie, it reminded me of a new kid at the center who’s trans. What do you think a
bout talking to him sometime? Might be good for both of you.”
Riley looked back into the trees. He’d heard Adam mention the kid before, and he’d been curious. “Yeah, maybe. Dr. Maggie told me to join a trans group—even if it was an online one. She thinks I should talk to more people like me, so I don’t feel like an outcast. I’ve been putting it off. Kept hoping everything going on between us…. I thought maybe that would be enough. Obviously I was wrong about that. Talking to him would be a good first step, I guess.”
“I think that’s a great idea. You know how much I care for you and want to help, but I don’t know exactly what you’re going through.” Kollin wiggled Riley’s hand in his own. “Talking to people who are going through similar issues…. I bet it’s going to make a world of difference just to not feel alone anymore.”
Riley grunted. “That’s what Dr. Maggie said.”
Kollin raised Riley’s arm in the air and scooted under it to lie back on Riley’s chest.
“Can I ask you something now?” Riley waited for Kollin to nod. “Is there ever a time Lizzie doesn’t whine when she doesn’t get her way?”
Kollin laughed. “Uh, no. I don’t know if that came from her stint in foster care or if her parents caved every time she pouted or if it’s typical of twelve-year-old girls. But it’s annoying as hell.”
Riley snuggled Kollin in closer and closed his eyes. No one had ever used him as the big spoon, and he wanted to memorize the feeling. He knew it was stupid to put so much importance into something so insignificant, but in his mind, being the big spoon equated to being a man.