by Shell Taylor
Tears streamed down his mom’s face, and his dad’s anger poured out as he shouted, “Then why the hell did you cut off all contact with us? It’s been over four years. We should be punished for four years because we couldn’t understand you?”
“I thought you were done with me,” Riley repeated.
“We’re your parents,” Bob yelled. “Of course we weren’t done with you.”
Riley bit back his retort that not all parents felt that way. It was on the tip of his tongue, but saying it in front of Kollin felt cruel, and to insinuate that his parents were as shitty as ones who would, could only drag their progress eight steps back.
Riley remained quiet and clueless as to how to make the situation better. There were too many hurt feelings on his side and apparently on his parents’ as well. And there were still a lot of unanswered questions—like if his parents cared so much, why they hadn’t found him after he left college. At least Riley no longer doubted that his mom, and maybe his dad too, had missed him and were happy to see him again—even if they still thought of him as their daughter.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” Riley said, surprised at how true his words were once they slipped out. “I was hurt too, and I felt rejected. I thought it was what you wanted. I thought it would be easier on all of us if I made a clean break of it instead of forcing you to do it.”
Silence followed Riley’s apology until his mom began fluttering. “Oh my. Do either of you want something to eat or drink?”
“No thank you, ma’am,” Kollin said as he absently patted the dog’s head.
“No thanks, Mom,” Riley echoed. He wondered if the moment could get any more awkward. He could tell his mom wanted to ask him questions, but she seemed uncertain. Whether because she didn’t know where to start, or feared she’d run him off, or some other reason, Riley couldn’t tell. But she hadn’t taken her eyes off of him for more than a moment since they sat.
“I don’t know what to do,” she finally whispered.
“What do you mean?”
“I prayed for this moment—every night for years.” Lorraine wiped a tear off her cheek. “You’re so different. Grown up and… look what you’ve done to your hair, and you have so many piercings. And….” She folded her hands in her laps and looked down at them. “Did you have a mastectomy?”
Riley’s dad shifted in his seat, and Riley ignored the urge to fidget as well. He knew his parents would want to know everything that he’d gone through. He’d rehearsed what he would say, intending to be as clinical and brief as possible.
“I lucked out and found a job in construction at the end of my freshman year. It paid pretty well, so I had enough to start taking testosterone and support myself. After a while I saved up enough for top surgery. I had some ups and downs over the years, but I found a couple of people who supported me and helped me get through. I’ve been saving again, hoping to get bottom surgery sometime in the next year or two.”
Lorraine nodded slowly when Riley finished speaking. “So you’re a man now. Officially.”
Riley almost laughed. She was trying, at least. And if he put himself in her shoes, he could see how difficult it would be to process.
“This is the strangest fucking thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” Bob muttered. “Are you sure this is what you want?”
Riley sighed, and in a brazen act that seemed to come from someone else, he stood up and lifted his shirt to show his scars. “I’m pretty fucking sure, Dad.”
“Oh God.” Lorraine stood and raised her hand toward Riley, as though to touch his scars. She seemed to realize what she was doing and immediately jerked her hand back to her chest and clutched it in her other hand. “My poor baby.”
“It’s okay, Mom,” Riley said and dropped his shirt. “They don’t hurt anymore.”
She sat there shaking her head as tears fell steadily out of her eyes. She looked around Riley at Kollin. “Were you the one who helped him through this?”
“Ah… no, ma’am. I didn’t know Riley back then,” Kollin said, obviously stumbling over his words. Riley grimaced. He’d talked about Kollin often when he still lived there. They knew he and Kollin were friends before he left for college. Kollin had just unknowingly opened up another can of worms.
“Oh,” Lorraine said as she sniffed out the lie, like any good mother. “I thought you were the same Kollin he used to talk about.”
Kollin looked up at Riley with his mouth open. Clearly he didn’t know how to respond.
“He is, Mom.” Riley felt stupid saying her name so many times, but after so long without saying “Mom,” he couldn’t seem to stop. “He’s just trying not to make me feel bad by pointing out that he didn’t know where I was for all those years either. We ran into each other when I was back in town for a job, and he helped me decide to come see you guys again. He, uh, persuaded me that I’d acted rashly when I cut everyone off.”
“Thank you.” She reached around Riley and squeezed Kollin’s hand. Then she looked back to Riley. “We looked for you when you didn’t come home that summer. When we first stopped hearing from you, I assumed you were just pouting, and we’d work it all out when you got home for summer break. But there was nothing. No one at the school knew where you’d gone. We tracked down the girl we thought was your roommate, and she said you’d requested a transfer after the first day, and a week later you were gone.”
Riley sank back into the couch and lowered his head as shame crept through his veins. “I spoke with someone at housing and explained my situation. She helped me get set up in a single.”
“But you used to tell us everything you and she did together.”
Riley shrugged. “I lied.”
Kollin’s leg pressed against his again, and he glanced over at him. Kollin raised his eyebrows and looked toward the door. Riley scrunched up his face in question.
Kollin leaned in a little closer and whispered, “Do you want me to leave?”
Riley shook his head. Maybe it was selfish to ask him to sit through that torture, but he still wanted Kollin there. “Not unless you want to.”
Kollin smiled and sat back in the couch. “Just making sure.”
Lorraine’s eyes flickered from Kollin to Riley and back again. “You two are… friends?”
Riley swallowed hard. He never would’ve dreamed reuniting with his parents would turn out as well as it had. He could possibly ruin the entire evening by also coming out as gay. His parents had already endured a huge shock. Should he really put them through another one?
But if not now, when?
“Uh, yeah,” Riley said. “We are friends, but we’re also dating. Have been for a few months.”
“Oh,” his mother said. His dad leaned forward in his seat and buried his head in his hands. Riley resisted the urge to apologize. He’d made a lot of mistakes—some pretty fucking huge mistakes—but being gay wasn’t one of them.
“I don’t suppose this is a phase?” his dad asked from behind his hands.
“No, sir. I’ve always liked guys. I don’t think it’s going to change now.”
Bob chuffed and looked up. “Worth a shot.”
Did Dad just make a joke? Riley glanced down at Kollin, who raised his eyebrows a couple of times and grinned.
“I know me showing up out of the blue like this is six kinds of awkward. I didn’t know if you guys would be okay seeing me, so I don’t know what else to say. The job that brought me back to town is about to end, but I’ll be moving back to the area soon. The construction company I work for, Drummond’s, is opening a branch in Durham. My boss thinks he can get me transferred here. If you’re willing to accept me like this, I’d like to try to fix things.”
“Yes,” his mom said instantly and grabbed his hand again. “Of course. We just want you back. Do you need somewhere to stay? We haven’t changed your room, but you can do whatever you want to it. Stay as long as you like.”
And just like that, with his mom’s immediate and easy acceptance of him, tears filled Riley
’s eyes. He looked at his dad, who, while not exactly rude, hadn’t been very welcoming either.
Bob nodded. “If you ever pull this shit on me or your mother again, though, I will hunt you down and wring your neck myself. You hear?”
Riley felt Kollin’s hand on his back, and his mother gathered Riley into her arms. “I’m so sorry, Riley. I’m so, so sorry. It might take me some time to get used to it, but I just want you back. You’re still the same inside. That’s all I want.”
Riley nodded, and her shoulder soaked up his tears. He felt as if he might explode any minute, given the jumbled feelings raging around inside him. But the overwhelming feeling was relief. His parents still loved him. They looked for him. They prayed for his return, and were willing to work through their issues to accept him.
Chapter 20
BEFORE KOLLIN and Riley left his parents’ house, Riley’s mom had shoved a wad of cash into his hand and told him to buy some new clothes and whatever he might want to put in his room should he decide to move back in.
Riley was hesitant at first, knowing his mom only gave him the money out of guilt, but he eventually realized she would feel better if he just took it. And he could use some new clothes. For the past several years, nearly all of his clothes had come from Walmart or Goodwill, and Riley was excited to get something nice for a change.
Riley was an emotional mess the remainder of that night, so Kollin dropped him off with a long hug and a plea to call if he needed anything. Some sort of construction catastrophe kept Riley from their Friday night dinner plans, and as usual, Kollin spent Saturday morning preparing and eating brunch with the whole family.
Eager to spend some quality time shopping with his man, Kollin grabbed Riley’s hand as they walked into the mall that afternoon. The place was packed, even for a Saturday. Only the thought of shopping without having to spend his own money made Kollin eager to power through the huge crowd.
“You going to get new stuff for your room too?” Kollin asked.
“I don’t know.” Riley looked through the windows of each store they passed. “You think I should move back in with them? It’s been so long since I lived with anyone. Ugh, and the thought of living with my parents again….”
“I live with my parents,” Kollin said. “Hell, you live with my parents on the weekends.”
Riley shook his head. “It’s different.”
Kollin sighed. “How? They’re still my parents.”
“I don’t mean it in a bad way. But they’re Adam and Elijah—Savior and Benefactor. They’re cool as hell.”
“Umm, not too long ago you were telling me how scary Eli is.”
“You know what I mean.” Riley wandered into a store and started browsing through the jeans.
“Fine.” Kollin huffed as he trailed behind him. He didn’t necessarily agree with Riley. Living with Adam and Eli might sound like a dream, but they were still meddling parents who constantly wanted to interfere in Kollin’s life. Kollin never complained. He knew just how awful parents could be, through first and secondhand experience, but that didn’t mean his life was perfect.
“What if all we do is fight?” Riley looked at Kollin then. “What if they keep calling me ‘she’ or their ‘daughter’? Riley is a unisex name, so I never changed it, but now I wonder if that wouldn’t have made it easier for them to accept.”
“I don’t think what they call you is going to make this easier or harder for them to accept.” Kollin picked up a shirt, held it up in front of Riley, and then put it back. “What’s important is that they’re willing to try. More than that they seem to want nothing more than to have you back in their lives. I mean, for fuck’s sake, Ri. Your mom gave you money, knowing you could take it and never see her again.”
Riley threw the jeans he was holding back down. “I wouldn’t do that.”
“Of course you wouldn’t. I’m just saying, I think she really wants better for you than what you’ve had over the last few years. That’s gotta mean something.”
“So you think I should move in with them?”
Kollin shrugged. “Why not? At least at first. They want you there. It’s a free place to live. They’ll be forced to see you every day, and greater exposure generally leads to greater acceptance in the people who are willing to try. And your mom looked like she’d be signing up for PFLAG if it meant having you home again. What’s not to like about any of that?”
Riley groaned. “Living with my parents is what’s not to like about that. Having to answer to them whenever I want to do something. What if I want to spend the night with you? They’ll freak if I’m out all night. Or worse, what if you end up staying over? I would die if they caught us together in bed.”
Kollin laughed. “That last one is your issue, man. But I think they’ll recognize that you’re four years older now, and you’ve been taking care of yourself for that long. And if they don’t, talk to them.”
Riley shook his head and motioned for Kollin to follow him out of the store, apparently unhappy with everything the store had to offer after looking at two racks of clothes. “My parents and I don’t talk like that. They talk, and I listen.”
“That’s not how it went down the other night. Look. If you don’t want to live with them, then don’t. But at least be fair, and base your judgments of them off who they are now.” Kollin hesitated and then continued. “What they did back then was wrong, but you made some mistakes too, and assuming you’re the only one who learned from this is foolish. Especially given the lengths they’re willing to go to get you back home. Your mom might pay you to do nothing just so she could stare at you all day long.”
“Yeah.” Riley remained quiet after that, and Kollin wondered if he’d overstepped his bounds. As far as he was concerned, the more ties Riley had to the area the better.
After a few moments, Riley tugged Kollin into a clothing store, and they spent the next couple of hours trying on clothes. Six shopping bags and one box of shoes later, they trudged out of the mall and stowed their new clothes in Kollin’s trunk.
“Where to now?” Kollin asked as he settled into the driver’s seat.
Riley sighed with exasperation and looked at Kollin with a smile on his face. “Take me to Bed Bath & Beyond, Jeeves. I guess I’ve got new bedding to buy if I’m going to be crashing at my parents’ house soon.”
Kollin grinned over the console at Riley. “For what it’s worth, I think that’s definitely the right decision.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Riley muttered. “Just drive.”
KOLLIN SLAMMED his book bag down into the passenger seat of his car. Mondays should be banned. Not only had his normally flaky lab partner “forgotten” to do her part of their assignment over the weekend—meaning Kollin had to either pick up the slack again or accept a subpar grade—but his psych partner’s grandmother had passed away over the weekend, and she would be out of town for the remainder of the week, dumping the rest of their assignment solely in Kollin’s lap. He’d missed lunch when he stayed after class to beg his professor for an extension on their project, and he was supposed to be at the center in forty-five minutes to relieve Adam.
All Kollin wanted to do was go home, crawl under the covers, and pretend as though the day had never happened. Instead he banged his head against the steering wheel a few times and took off for the nearest drive-thru. The only upside Kollin could find was that, if he rushed, he’d have just enough time to drop by H4H and see Riley for just a few minutes. Knowing Riley’s love for ice cream, Kollin tacked on a Frosty to his order at the drive-thru and drove off, his spirits slightly higher at the prospect of surprising Riley.
Kollin parked on the completed side of the building and walked around back toward the construction zone. He peeked through the open windows of the nearly completed building and spotted Riley immediately. Kollin wasn’t technically supposed to be on site without a hard hat, and after Riley had been so hesitant to even touch Kollin the first time, Kollin had avoided speaking with him at all while there. With
a daunting week of extra work ahead of him, Kollin was willing to risk raising suspicions just for dropping by.
Kollin snagged the arm of a worker walking past him. “Would you mind asking Riley to come out here for a minute?”
The man stared at Kollin with a strange look on his face and then stuck his head in the window and shouted, “Hey, Riley, your boyfriend’s here.”
Fear sliced through Kollin, and he gaped first at the guy next to him, who smirked and walked away, then looked back at Riley, who had dropped whatever he was holding and stared at Kollin with his jaw dropped.
Kollin recalled the guy who had seen them kissing in the parking lot. He’d completely forgotten about the incident and assumed Riley had too, since he never brought it up. Could this be the same guy? Had to be.
A few of the workers surrounding Riley started to laugh, but one of them shouted, “You’re such an asshole, Jenson.”
Jenson shrugged from his position near the door. “Call it like I see it.”
There was some more laughter, but no one seemed surprised by Jenson’s sudden outing of Riley. A light bulb switched on in Kollin’s brain, and he realized the crew thought Jenson was making a joke, giving Riley a hard time. Relieved, he let out a deep breath and looked back at Riley to offer a smile. Riley still looked terrified, though, and he hadn’t taken his eyes off Kollin. Everyone else had returned to what they were doing except for Riley, who seemed frozen in place until Greg entered the room and drew Riley’s attention.
Kollin backed up a few steps, feeling confident that he wasn’t welcome and desperate not to make life worse for Riley.
“Kollin,” Riley called out. “Wait.”
Kollin stopped his retreat but remained where he stood.
When Riley spoke again, his voice was strong. He was accustomed to speaking to these men, to being in charge of them. Only someone who knew Riley as well as Kollin could detect the slightest hint of nervousness. “Listen up, everyone. Jokes like that aren’t going to be tolerated on this site. You may not mean anything by it, or you may be trying to be intentionally cruel, but you knew going into this job the type of youth who might be hanging around the site, and you agreed to be respectful.”