Unfortunately, we got busy right after Cassie started her shift, so I’d barely had a chance to say anything but hi to her. We seemed to always be going in opposite directions. I at least wanted to see if she was okay. Of course she seemed fine, but I wanted to be sure. She’d had one hell of a meltdown the night before.
Fifteen minutes before the end of my shift three guys we’d gone to high school with came in and sat in Cassie’s section. They were loud and obnoxious, just like they’d been two years earlier. They all took turns hugging her and kissing her on the cheek while I watched with a twisted expression on my face. They were the same guys who had made my and Scott’s lives miserable for four years. I hated those guys.
“I hate those guys,” Scott said, echoing my sentiments as he came up behind me and watched Cassie flirting and joking with them.
They were making her laugh, and she was shoving one of them in the shoulder playfully. I couldn’t look away. It was like a train wreck – or rather it was like I was stuck on the tracks and the train was coming right at me but I couldn’t move. I felt sick inside. It was like I didn’t know her. She was acting completely different than I’d ever seen her – at least in the past month and a half.
“Me too,” I told Scott. “They were assholes back then, and it seems like they haven’t changed much.”
“Brock Thomas stuck my head in a toilet junior year. Do you remember that?”
I nodded, not bothering to look back at Scott. I didn’t want to see the expression on his face. High school had done some damage to both of us, and no matter how much we thought we were past it, when guys like Brock Thomas, Kyle Fowler and Andre Bolden came around, we reverted back into the helpless victims we’d been for so many years. No matter that I could probably take on each of them now, and Scott was a better person than them any day, they still had the power to make us feel like shit all over again.
“I can’t believe Cassie’s friends with them,” Scott commented as Marley ran over to the table. She reached over and started hugging all three guys like her life depended on it. “I mean, I know they were her friends back in high school, but she’s so different now. She’s not like them. Why is she flirting with them?”
Great. He could see it too. So it wasn’t just my imagination.
Cassie and Marley were both giggling and practically batting their eyelashes. Andre said something, and Marley playfully smacking him on the shoulder, making him and the rest of the table laugh. Cassie looked so in her element as she laughed along with them.
I realized then that she hadn’t looked like that since I’d met her. She was usually serious, introspective and reserved. Sure, she was playful with me, but she wasn’t like that with anyone else. I usually got a side of her that not many other people did, but I thought there was a reason for that. I should have remembered what she’d been like in high school, which was exactly how she was acting now. I think I just forgot about it, because the girl she was to me was so different from the one standing across the restaurant.
“Maybe we don’t really know her as well as we thought we did,” I mumbled.
“Nah, Cassie’s cool,” Scott said, but I could tell he wasn’t convinced.
He was thinking the same thing I was, probably even remembering her standing nearby when one of those jerks called us a homo or a loser. Maybe I should have just kept that in mind. People don’t really change. I had no doubt the shooting affected her, but it was only a matter of time before she started to feel okay in her skin again. And once that happened, she’d see we were from different planets, and she wouldn’t want anything to do with me. I wondered if it was already starting to happen.
Rick called Scott back to the kitchen before I could respond to him. I wasn’t even sure what I’d say if given the opportunity. My confidence was shit in that moment, and I was trying to pick through what was real and what was in my head. Dammit if Cassie hadn’t been kissing me the night before. That had to count for something. I couldn’t have read her that wrong, could I? I didn’t know. All I knew was that the girl laughing and shamelessly flirting with those other guys wasn’t the one I’d fallen for.
Andre smacked her on the ass as she turned to walk away, and I had the urge to go over there and sucker-punch him, but then Cassie laughed and stuck her tongue out at him. She hadn’t felt that was the least bit degrading. And if she felt that way, I wasn’t risking getting fired for her.
She walked back to the servers’ station, glancing over her shoulder and laughing at something Kyle was shouting at her. As she approached me, she still had a smile on her face. I found new resolve in that lone facial expression, a part of me so desperate to see the girl I’d gotten to know so well over the past month and a half. It was like she’d disappeared overnight.
“Hey you,” she said, checking me with her hip.
She forced a small smile out of me. “Hey.”
“You good?”
I nodded. “Yeah, never better.”
I was such a liar.
“Good,” she said as she filled three sodas for the jock table. I resisted the urge to spit in them.
As she started to leave the station, I called out to her. “Cassie?”
“Yeah?” she said, turning around to look at me with expectant eyes.
I was taking a chance. I was going to forget those guys existed, forget that Cassie had been flirting with them and remember that she’d been in my arms the night before, not theirs.
“Do you want to come over after you get off and watch a movie?”
We’d done that enough over the past month that it would have seemed like a friendly invitation. Only I knew that I didn’t plan on keeping things that way. Now that I knew how she felt and that Scott was cool with it, we were done with being platonic – if that was still an option. With her looking at me like she was, her dark lashes framing her soft brown eyes and her blond hair spilling over her shoulders, I wanted to erase the last ten minutes and the feelings of doubt that had been consuming me all day.
I wanted her to be the girl who’d clung to me and had given me hope that everything would be okay, because even though I’d been holding her up the night before, so she didn’t crumble, she’d been holding me right back. I didn’t know how much I’d needed that until just then when the perceived prospect of losing her was right in front of me. We’d been through the same thing, and you couldn’t put a price on the connection that came from something like that.
I needed her – more than she probably knew because I hadn’t ever told her how she made me feel, how she turned my world upside down in all the right ways. She made me feel like I would be okay, that the fear I felt would pass and I’d be able to move forward again. She made me feel like I wasn’t alone. But I hadn’t ever told her that.
I’d kept her at arm’s length for a million reasons that seemed so empty at this point – Scott, her ex-boyfriend, the reality that she might leave at the end of the summer – but I should have told her that she lit up my world. She made it bright again just by smiling. I should have told her that somewhere in the span of the past month, I’d fallen in love with her. Now I wasn’t sure if it was too late, but dammit if I wasn’t going to try – if she’d let me.
“Oh, I can’t,” she said, giving me a sympathetic look as she pierced my heart with that gaze. “I told Kyle and those guys that I’d go to the party they’re throwing at Brock’s house tonight. Maybe some other time?”
Was she playing it cool because I’d broken off our kiss the night before? That wasn’t like her. Cassie didn’t play games. She went after what she wanted and took it – sometimes without asking. It was what I liked most about her. She was brave and fearless when I held back. She balanced me out so well. And if I’d lost her because of last night, I was going to kick myself for years because of it. Of course, in the back of my mind, I knew there might be another reason she was blowing me off.
And that reason was sitting across the restaurant looking at me in recognition, probably wondering why I
was talking to someone like Cassie. I knew that to Kyle and those guys, no matter how much I’d grown up and changed physically, I’d still be the guy they’d beat up for being different. Their perception of me would never change. I figured they’d never remember who I was, because I’d been so insignificant to them, but that didn’t seem to be the case. I knew it when Andre and Brock turned and looked at me, and Kyle made a smartass remark to them that I couldn’t hear. They turned around and laughed, and then they forgot about me and went on with their conversation, but it didn’t change the fact that they’d been able to make me feel like shit with just a look. Some things never change.
“Yeah. Sure. We’ll do it another time,” I said good-naturedly to Cassie, all the while thinking we’d probably never watch another movie together again.
I wondered if I’d screwed up so badly that she was just done. That made two times that I’d turned her down, but she had to know I didn’t mean it. I told her I liked her. Last night I was just trying to protect Scott. But seeing her flirting with the asshole jocks, I wasn’t so sure that it even mattered anymore. It seemed like we were over before we even started.
It hit me then that she hadn’t even thought to invite me to the party. She’d just told me she was going, and that was it. I hadn’t even factored in, apparently, and that sucked to realize. Not that I wanted to go. I wouldn’t be caught dead at one of Brock Thomas’ parties, but an invitation would have been nice. It would have at least stilled the anxiety churning inside me over the prospect of losing the one person I needed in my life more than I ever could have imagined.
“Hey watch out tonight,” I called after her, and she turned around to look at me in question while I set a steely expression on my face. “Those guys like to shove people’s heads in toilets. I just figured you should know.”
Her jaw dropped open, and she started to say something, but I ducked into the kitchen before she could say a word. Without a word to Scott or any of the other guys, I walked into the cooler and closed the door behind me. I let out a growl as I pounded the soft part of my fist against the wall. Then I put my hands on my knees, taking deep breaths, trying to center myself.
I shouldn’t have said that to her. I shouldn’t have stooped so low. But worse than that, I shouldn’t have put that image in her head. The last thing I needed was her picturing what had gone down back in high school. It did nothing to build my case for why I was a better guy for her. Why would she want someone who got his ass kicked on a regular basis?
But I wasn’t that guy anymore. I hadn’t been him for a long time.
I let out a giant huff of air and shook my head, telling myself it was fine. Quite honestly, it had felt good to tell her that. She needed to know what kind of guys they really were. And if she chose one of them over me, I didn’t want her anyway.
Yeah, right. If only that were true.
Chapter Eighteen
Cassie
“Cass, you about ready?” Marley asked me.
From what I could tell she’d loved her first shift as a hostess at Dawson’s. She’d pranced around in her little dress all night, flirting with the guys who came in to eat, the bartenders and the guys in the kitchen. But that was what she always did. She was a flirt.
Only I knew that deep down it was a mask for how she was truly feeling. I knew she wasn’t looking for anything serious. Aiden was still on her mind, and it would be a while before she wanted to date someone else. But she flirted like she was looking.
“I’m almost finished,” I told her, busing the dishes from my last table.
The bussers went home an hour before we closed, so we had to do that part of the job for the last hour. Luckily we were never that busy in the restaurant. The bar was always packed until close, but the restaurant usually cleared out.
Marley had gotten off a few hours earlier, but she’d stayed to hang out, sitting at the bar with Hale, who’d gotten cut early since we hadn’t been all that busy. We had plans to go to Brock’s party, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever felt so uneasy about going to a party. It was kind of the last thing I wanted to do, but Marley had insisted it would be good for both of us.
What I wanted to do was go over to Jared’s and watch a movie. He’d asked, and I’d wanted to tell him yes on the spot, but I’d forced myself to say no. I needed to put space between us if I had any hope of getting over him and being his friend, if that was what he wanted. It seemed like it, like he had no issue with blowing off what had happened between us and that I obviously wanted more and he obviously didn’t. But I couldn’t be his friend yet. I needed time.
I finished bussing the table and dragged my tub to the dish room before grabbing the tote bag Marley was holding for me and going into the bathroom to change into a navy blue strapless sundress. I touched up my make-up, pulled my hair up, sprayed some perfume to cover the grill smell and figured I was as ready as I’d ever be.
Marley put her arm around me as she, Hale and I walked outside together. He got into his car, and we followed him to Brock’s parents’ house, even though I’d been there dozens of times in high school. I knew the way too well.
It had been surreal seeing those guys, but what had scared me was how easily I’d slipped back into acting like I had years before when I was around them. It was just natural to flirt and laugh and goof off with them at first, but then Jared had reminded me how they used to treat him and Scott, and it was like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over my head.
I’d wanted to march over to them and smack them all for being mean to two of the nicest guys I’d ever known but mostly for hurting the guy I was pretty sure I loved. But if I did that, I’d lose my job, so I couldn’t lash out at them like I wanted to. And of course Jared had disappeared after dropping that bomb on me, and then he’d avoided me for the rest of his shift. I figured he was pissed, and he was probably justified in feeling that way. But I couldn’t very well apologize if he wouldn’t talk to me. He’d left at seven, and I was left trying to figure out what to do.
I’d settled on going to the party and giving him time and space to cool off, because it was probably what he needed. And I needed it too – space that was, not time to cool off. Maybe I’d talk to him the next day after class. I just couldn’t feel settled about the way we’d left things.
“Oh, my God! I’m so excited for this party,” Marley gushed. “It’s going to be so much fun to see everyone again.”
Since Marley had gone to elementary and middle school with me, and she’d visited me every summer during high school, she knew a lot of my old friends. But I wasn’t sure I shared her sentiments about it being fun to see everyone. I was going to this party for her, and in truth I was hoping we’d be able to leave after an hour or so.
“You really feel that way?” I asked her, because she’d sounded fake to me when she’d said it.
Her shoulders slumped. “Not really,” she said, looking over at me. “But it’s how I used to feel about parties. I just want to feel that way again.”
“So you’re forcing it?”
She shrugged.
“Mar, we don’t have to go. We can call up Scott and see if he wants to hang out.”
“You just want to see Jared,” she said, a smile spreading across her face as she figured me out.
Yeah, I did.
“No, I don’t,” I insisted, but I knew she didn’t believe me. “I think we’re in a fight anyway.”
“About what?”
“Just stuff,” I said, not wanting to rehash it all. “Besides, I’m putting distance between us, remember?”
“If you say so,” Marley said, not convinced I was making the right choice. “I still think you should talk to him, tell him how you feel.”
“No,” I said resolutely. “Not happening.”
She shrugged. “Suit yourself.” Then she giggled. “Scott is pretty funny,” she said, thankfully changing the subject. “He was making me laugh all night. Maybe if this party sucks we can call him.”
“Deal,
” I told her as I parked down the street from Brock’s house. There were already a ton of cars lining the street.
As soon as we got in the front door, Marley took off when she saw someone she wanted to say hi to, so I headed to the kitchen with Hale, getting a beer from the fridge and sucking it down rather quickly. I hadn’t drank since the night of the shooting, but I’d always had a good tolerance. I knew I could have a few beers and still drive.
Then I posted up in the doorway to the living room, watching the people around me in various states of intoxication, having little desire to mingle. I noticed that some people were even passed out since it was almost one-thirty in the morning. We were definitely late getting to the party, but knowing Brock, it would go until at least four.
People that I’d known once upon a time came up to me to talk and see how I was. Most of them gave me the sympathy look that I hated more than anything. I wanted to shout, ‘I got shot! It’s not that big of a deal! Get over it!’ But I didn’t. Instead I just smiled politely and silently wished for them to leave me alone.
I stood there and drank and thought about Jared. I missed him so much my chest ached. I missed everything we’d had that had been taken away from me so quickly. I just wanted him to want me. I wanted him to walk up to me and slip his hand into mine. I wanted him to tell me that I wasn’t alone, that he would always be there for me. I wanted him to tell me that I was the girl he wanted, that I made him whole, because that’s what he did for me. And I wanted him to build us a paper airplane so we could fly far away from everything in our lives that haunted us. I just wanted to leave it all behind, all the hurt and the pain and the fear, because Jared was the only person who made me feel normal anymore. And without him, I’d been feeling hollow and empty and so lost. That was all I wanted.
As I finished my third beer in forty-five minutes I realized that my tolerance might not be as stellar as it used to be. I was buzzed – very buzzed. But it was the first time I’d truly felt disconnected from my life in months, and in that moment, I welcomed the feeling. Across the party Marley was knocking back shots with Kyle and Brock. She wasn’t going to be able to drive, and neither was I. We’d have to call a cab.
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