Deep in the Heart

by Alexa Padgett

  “That’s after I beat the shit out of Dad. He had more coming, but Mom came out and found me pummeling him.”

  I raised my gaze to my mother’s. Tears streamed down her face and her arms wrapped tight around her waist as if she were trying to hold the pain in. She knew this story—what Carter said. She knew and she, like my brother, kept it from me.

  “By that point, Dad couldn’t walk. I wanted to leave him in the barn, but Mom made me carry his sorry, selfish ass inside. Then I collected Kim’s crap and drove her to the airport. But she didn’t get on the plane.”

  “She was found dead, what? A week later, in an alley near downtown.”

  “Yeah, I know. From too much heroin. She must’ve been using for a while, just none of us knew what to look for.”

  “Dad too?” I kept my gaze firm on Mom.

  She nodded, pressing her hand to her lips, ugly memories flashing through her eyes.

  “That’s why I moved. I just couldn’t look at that sorry excuse for manhood—let alone fatherhood—anymore. Mom wouldn’t leave him. And you were already mad at him. Rightly so, I reckoned. No reason to further rock the boat.”

  “I had no idea I brought such a pestilence into our house.”

  “You didn’t.” Mom’s voice was thready but gained strength. “I did. I did this to our family.”

  She twisted her hands together before smoothing them down the front of her shirt, then over her hips. I’d never seen my mother so anxious before.

  “Your father was having an affair with that girl before you married her. That’s why he was angry about your marriage.”

  “You hearing this?” I asked Carter. I pulled the phone from my ear and pressed the speaker button.

  “Piece of shit,” Carter replied. I wasn’t sure if he meant Dad or Kim. Didn’t matter, really.

  “She told your father that-a-way, she could be closer to him and no one would wonder about their relationship,” Mama said. “At least, that’s what he told me.”

  When I married her, Kim was nineteen. My dad was fifty-two.

  Mom swiped at her cheek. “He would have to divorce me and shell out so much of the ranch. Or sell it off. I almost did, anyway.”

  “Why didn’t you, Mama?” Carter asked.

  “Because I knew how much it meant to Camden. He was the victim in all this. No reason to sell his home just because Laurence was a lying, cheating snake.”

  “What about Kim?” I rasped. “She participated.”

  Mom nodded. “True, but your father was the adult. She was eighteen when he started stepping out with her—way old enough to know better, even if she wasn’t.”

  “Wish I’d hit him harder,” Carter growled. “I hate that he hurt you, Mama.”

  She raised her chin. “He did. But he was never the love of my life so it’s not like he could wound me as deep as, say, Jenna’s hurt you, Camden.”

  I set the phone on the tile next to me and rubbed my hands through my hair and then down my face.

  “How are we still a family?” I asked.

  “Because neither Kim nor Laurence had the love in them to be part of this family. We have each other and we’re going to fix this mess. Once and for all. You hear me, Carter?”

  “Yes, Mama.”

  “I expect you to get home soon. I know it’s hard with your own spread. But you get home and you hug your brother. Soon.”

  “Yes, Mama.”

  “Camden’s heard enough but you’re going to answer his calls and tell him whatever else he needs to know.”

  “Yes, Mama.”

  “I love you, son,” Mama said, picking up the phone from next to my hip. She crouched in front of me, and I wasn’t sure if she spoke to Carter or me.

  “Love you, too, Mama. Thanks for making me come clean.”

  “Bye, now.”

  She clicked off before settling on her knees next to me. She grimaced a little before clutching my hands in hers. “I owe you an apology, son.”

  I shook my head.

  “I knew about their affair. Not until after your wedding. I just…I couldn’t figure out how to tell you without hurting you.”

  “What about your hurt?” I asked.

  She smiled, but it was a sad one. “That happened before you were born, Camden. I lost my love to a stupid training exercise. Air Force,” she said at my look. “I was pregnant at the time.” She smiled, and it was soft and genuine. “I was never happier than that day I found out.” She raised her eyebrows. “Laurence’s older brother. Just seemed smart to marry Laurence and let him raise his brother’s boys.”

  “Boys?” I asked. But, really, I already knew. Had known.

  My mother reached forward and cupped my cheek, her smile sad. “You’re Jensen’s boys.”

  “The name on the birth certificate. Jensen. I asked Dad...Laurence about it once. He never answered me.”

  “He wanted to pretend you were his. That made him more okay with the whole situation, though, honestly, Camden, you and Carter are the beneficiaries of this ranch. I didn’t understand until later that’s part of why Laurence married me.”

  I tilted my head back away from my mother’s hand. I needed a bit of space, needed to process her words. “You were young.”

  “Twenty-two wasn’t young to have kids, not for this part of Texas thirty years ago. My only regret was Jensen and I never married. But that didn’t stop me from putting his name on your birth certificate. Laurence never got over that.”

  “Does Katie Rose know?”

  Mom shook her head. “Kate was…an effort to make Laurence and I work. Didn’t help at all, not that anything would have. Laurence tried, and he was a good father.”

  I snorted.

  “What he did to you, Camden, is atrocious.”

  “He hurt you, too.”

  Mom shrugged. “By then, nothing Laurence did surprised me. He was nothing like Jensen. But I’d appreciate you not saying as much to Katie Rose.”

  As if I’d hurt Katie Rose with that truth. I loved that little girl and always would—full sister or half-sister, she was my baby sister either way.

  Her smile turned rueful. “Laurence loved me—for a while—but I never loved him, and he knew it. That’s part of why he took up with other ladies. Kim wasn’t the first.”

  I stood, grimacing at the ache in my leg. I pulled Mom up slowly, letting her find her feet.

  “Seems like there’s been lots of half-truths in this family.”

  She kept her eyes steady on me. “And that needs to stop. You weren’t at fault for Kim’s actions, any more than I’m to blame for Laurence’s.” She hesitated. “He was a good father when you were little.”

  I opened my mouth to argue with her, but my mother shook her head.

  “I need to accept I made mistakes, Camden. They’ve hurt you. So much.” She pressed her lips together but they still trembled. “I’ve lost Carter to his place up in Wyoming. Serves me right, too.”

  “Mama—”

  “Now, I don’t know what’s going on between you and Jenna, but I think you need to understand Kim’s choices were her own and had nothing to do with you.” At my flinch, she cupped my cheeks harder. “That girl needed something no one—not your father—”

  “Laurence,” I corrected her. Much easier to ignore how he taught me to ride, to rope a steer, to dance and fight dirty. He was my uncle—a cheating man who didn’t deserve any of the positive feelings I had, and definitely none of the guilt I’d carried around since his death. No, since Kim’s.

  “Laurence or you could provide. But don’t let that past hurt destroy your future happiness, son. Don’t make more mistakes because I was too scared to tell you the truth.”

  I pulled my mama in and hugged her. She wrapped her arms around my waist and squeezed back, hard. She needed this moment though I wasn’t sure yet what these revelations meant. My mind pinged from one thought to another, unable to settle.

  “I’m sorry my decisions led you to this point, Camden. I’m so s
orry.”

  I rested my cheek against the crown of her head. “I needed to know.”

  She stepped back. “Does knowing the truth make it easier? Can you find your way back to Jenna now?”

  Good questions for which I didn’t have a good answer. I just knew I craved her calming influence. Instead, I popped another Werther’s into my mouth.

  I spent the next few days processing what I’d learned. Finding out Laurence was my uncle, not my father, helped.

  Sort of.

  Being a cuckold to my own damn uncle sucked. Hard. He’d been my father—the man I turned to for advice about everything from sports to calving, to women. Yeah, the irony of that proved great.

  By the end of the week, I hadn’t slept more than a few hours in all the nights combined. I spent the time staring at bad day-time TV and scribbling in my notebook only to cross out the shitty lyrics I managed to compile, and despairing at my cut-and-run with Jenna.

  Speaking to Carter further soothed my abraded soul.

  I set my phone down now, having just completed another call with my brother. Hearing his voice, his concern for me—hell, even better was hearing the pride he felt in my success. I’d needed that, along with the promise he’d come into town soon—around the Fourth of July.

  I looked forward to seeing him.

  I missed Jenna more.

  But…trusting her, after I’d put trust in Kim and the man I’d considered father, proved hard.

  Jenna hadn’t contacted me. Maybe she was glad to be rid of me.

  Not according to Katie Rose. My sister told me each day just how sad Jenna looked—as if my hasty exit blew apart her own fragile grasp on trust.

  Speaking of sisters, Katie Rose flopped down into the Adirondack chair next to me with a huge sigh.

  “What?” I grumbled. In part I didn’t want to see her, but another part of me hated keeping a secret from her. Carter thought we should tell her, but Carter wasn’t here for the fallout, which meant his vote counted less.

  “Shut that growling off.”

  I swallowed down the retort.

  “You need to go out,” she said.

  “Don’t want to.”

  Katie Rose turned toward me. “That’s obvious. You look worse than you did when you came home from your last deployment.” She waved her hand in front of her nose. “Smell worse, too.”

  “I’m not in the mood.”

  “Cam, you haven’t done more than sulk inside or outside for almost week. You even turned down Mama’s fried chicken. Twice.”

  Not for the reasons she thought. I loved my mother, sure, but she kept some mighty big secrets from us. And we were all paying the price for them. I closed my eyes, unsure how best to handle this conversation with my sister.

  “I’ll be social when I’m ready.”

  “The way you’re going, that’ll be never. You and Jenna had a misunderstanding.” At my sharp look, she held up her hands. “The only way it’s going to get better is for you to talk to her or to lap up some fan fawning.”

  “No.”

  I hadn’t told anyone, not even Chuck, that my chest tightened and my heart pelted out a mad beat at the thought of being surrounded again—part of the reason I couldn’t get Jenna out of my head. What if I caused her anxiety to spike? What if Jenna needed more meds to get through the day because I all but forced her to come to my show? Then dropped her faster than a hot potato.

  She should be angry with me.

  I scowled, trying yet again to tamp down on my desire to see Jenna—and my guilt at how I’d left her without waiting for an explanation. I missed touching her skin and the way her hair slid through my fingers.

  The need to spend time with her grew each day, and misery ate at my consciousness.

  I stood abruptly, oversetting my inked-up notebook.

  “Fine. I’ll go talk to Jenna.”

  “You can’t.”

  I turned back to glare at my sister. “What do you mean, I can’t? Isn’t that what you’ve been harping on?”

  Katie Rose raised a fine, auburn brow. “She left earlier today to deliver a couple of guitars.”

  I stared at her, my brain dulled. Jenna lived and worked in Austin. She wouldn’t leave. “Left?”

  “Yeah. She’s in Seattle for the weekend.”

  I stilled. Seattle. Where her friends were. A place she loved. “Was she supposed to go?”

  Katie Rose shook her head, biting back a smile. “Nope. Mr. Olsen sent her. Said she needed to get out of her mope. He’s none too happy with you these days, either.”

  She’d go out with her friends and have fun. Maybe hook up with some guy who’d tell her how beautiful she was. Kiss her mouth and love her body.

  Oh, hell, no.

  I stomped into the house and slammed my door shut.

  No way I was letting her go to Seattle without proper protection. The guards I’d hired to watch her, Mitch and Jared, weren’t enough. Not after last week. Not if she was in another city, too far for me to help should she need me.

  At least, that’s what I told myself as I showered, shaved, and packed.

  Katie Rose, the nuisance, waved as I sped my truck toward the airport, Chuck and three more of my team following in the car behind because Chuck refused to ride with me.

  “You’ve had a bug up your ass for days. I’m not taking on any more of that nastiness. And don’t go spouting off on the fact you have daddy issues. You’re not the only one, but I treat my friends decent still.”

  I rolled my shoulders as I remembered Chuck’s words. Guess my bad mood rippled out to cover the rest of my companions.

  I owed Chuck a bottle of Macallan. I shifted in my seat. If I’d been as bad as Katie Rose said, I owed him a case.

  For the duration of the flight, I made a point to improve my attitude. Chuck still scowled whenever he looked at me, but some of his humor softened the tension around his eyes.

  We checked into the hotel—the same one Jenna checked into a few hours ago. I booked out an entire floor for privacy, which meant each of the guards had their own room, but I left my suitcase and guitar still packed on the bed as I pulled out my phone.

  “She back yet?” I asked Chuck.

  “I knew your better humor was an act,” he said on a sigh. “No, she’s out to dinner with some friends. At least that’s what I was told.”

  “Do you know where?”

  “I don’t. And I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to chase after her right now. She’ll be back later.”

  “But what if she isn’t alone?”

  “You should have thought of that before you left her in the middle of the night, chief.”

  Chuck’s valid statement didn’t lessen the ache in my chest.

  Jenna was beautiful. While she might not be out searching, another lover might have found her while I wallowed in my past. I never let her explain. I let my unanswered questions and fears with Kim lead me by the nose straight out of Jenna’s place. More fool I, especially to find out my dad—no, Uncle Laurence’s part in the whole sordid mess.

  I used my nervous energy to put away my clothes, and then I tried to pick out a new tune. Nothing felt right. TV, even with over one hundred channels, couldn’t hold my attention. I grabbed my phone and shoved it and my keycard into my pocket as I headed toward the elevator. Maybe a drink or even a walk outside would cool me down.

  I pressed the down button on the bank of elevators and waited, tapping my foot with impatience. With a soft ping, the arrow over the middle car lit, and I stepped toward it, anxious to get out of my room and, more importantly, out of my head.

  The doors opened and I stared straight into Jenna’s eyes. Hers rounded, her mouth falling open. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her toward me, my eyes never leaving hers.

  Until the kick to the shins and another hit on my arm, followed by loud shrieks of “Let her go.”

  I shifted my gaze to see Abbi Dorsey on Jenna’s left and a curvy brunette I thought dated the bassist in Lu
mmi Nation on Jenna’s right.

  A door down the hall slammed into the wall and feet pattered near silently on the thick carpet.

  “Dammit, Cam. We thought there was a problem.”

  “There is,” Jenna said, motioning to my hold on her wrist.

  I should let her go, let her get back to her friends. I knew this. Instead, I stepped closer until the scent of Jenna’s shampoo filled my nose. Pear. The damn scent smelled like home.

  I’d missed this woman.

  “I just want to chat with Jenna here,” I said.

  Abbi narrowed her stunning blue eyes. “From what we’ve heard, she should never talk to you again.”

  “Be that as it may, I flew out here because I couldn’t stand it a moment longer. Could y’all give us a few minutes? I promise to return her to you—in one piece in…” My gaze slid back to Jenna’s.

  “Twenty minutes.” Her facial muscles were rigid, her eyes guarded.

  Well, hell. I dipped my head in acknowledgment. “Twenty minutes.”

  Chuck motioned to Abbi and the other gal…Nessa, yeah, that was her name. “You want to join us for a drink? Or a movie?”

  “Jenna isn’t going to be gone with Cam long enough for a show,” Nessa said, putting her hands on her hips, which caused her blue dress to tighten across her chest. Chuck made a soft noise, his gaze landing on Nessa’s incredible cleavage.

  “Nes has a boyfriend,” Jenna said to Chuck, yanking her wrist from my hand. She pulled her keycard from her purse and handed it to Abbi, who took in all of us once more.

  “Are you going to be okay?” Abbi asked. “You don’t have to go with him.”

  Jenna shrugged, her face turned away from me. “I’ll see you in nineteen minutes.”

  Abbi and Nessa nodded, concern obvious in their expressions. I waved Jenna to go ahead of me while Chuck crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the elevator bank, no doubt planning to chat with the other gals until another elevator stopped on this floor.

  “This one here’s me,” I said, rubbing my clammy palms on my jeans before pulling out my key card. I managed to get it in the lock without my hand shaking too much.