by S. K. Lessly
The only woman that was able to soothe me like that was the very one that was avoiding me now.
I didn’t realize how much I missed Ayana until she wrapped her body around mine the other day. It was something that she used to do the moment she saw me. We could have gone weeks without seeing each other or hours, and she would still leap into my arms. I grew to expect it.
Yet, seeing her so troubled had me on edge.
Again, common sense is a fleeting concept with me right now. I should’ve learned from my mistakes but, apparently, I didn’t. As it seems, I was a glutton for punishment as I made my way to McGinley’s in search for more heartache.
When I walked inside, I pulled my baseball cap further down on my head. I looked around the place and found it was packed. It seems Ice had been doing all right over the years.
I made my way to the bar and ordered a beer. I didn’t have a plan for when I saw her. Hell, I didn’t even know how long I would actually wait for her. For all I knew, she wasn’t even there, or if she was there earlier and left for the night. I wanted to ask the bartender, but I hesitated. If he told her I was there, she could tell this guy anything, and I would never know. No, I needed this to be a surprise, and, after my second beer, she emerged from the back of the bar with company. It was the same guy I had seen there the other day.
He looked around the bar, and I moved my eyes from him, trying to blend in my surroundings. He looked at me hard a few days ago as if he was memorizing what I looked like. I didn’t like it and Lock went out of his mind. He was ready to take the guy to the station and interrogate him, claiming to me, “He looks like fucking trouble.”
I didn’t know if this guy recognized me or not, but I tried to remain relaxed as I sipped on my beer and looked up at the basketball game that was on.
“You lost, Mills?”
I smiled, then brought my eyes to hers. She was standing in front of me behind the bar resting her hands on the counter in front of her.
“Did you lose the card, I gave you?” I countered.
We had a staring match for a few seconds. Then she sighed asking, “What are you doing here?”
“I think that’s obvious, don’t you?”
She didn’t reply. She just looked at me. I mentioned before she lost weight, but she still was a beautiful woman, despite all the makeup she was currently wearing. I frowned inwardly. She was never the type to wear heavy foundation. In my eyes, she never needed it. Her beauty was natural and undeniable. Her high cheekbones and soft full lips that used to terrorize me were still there and were still wreaking havoc on my senses. I used to dream constantly about kissing her. And the fact that she gave herself to me wholeheartedly, I can’t get that out of my mind. I never could. I told her once before, “All I see is you,” and I wasn’t exaggerating. It’s just that circumstances had made it impossible for me to be with her.
Tonight, she wore her black shoulder length hair pulled into a ponytail, showing off that delicate neck of hers. I wondered if I remembered where her spot was along her neck. When I used to run my teeth over her spot then sucked, she’d cream instantly. It’s an ego booster for me, as you can imagine; all I had to do was touch her there, and it’s an instant waterfall between her legs.
“Hey, I’m talking to you. Where did you go?”
I blinked twice, three times just to gather myself. I couldn’t begin to tell her where I went, or that I enjoyed it. “I’m sorry, Ana. I was a little distracted.”
She folded her arms. “Yeah, I bet you were. You know I can read you like a book. I knew exactly what you were thinking. And you need to cut it out. You have a fiancée, for goodness sake.”
“What if I told you we broke up? Would it be okay for my thoughts to drift where they went?”
Her face softened, and she brought her hands back to the counter. “Are you serious? What happened?”
“I’ll tell you over dinner tonight.”
She groaned and rolled her eyes.
“Come on, what would it hurt?” I touched her hand with mine and squeezed. “I need my best friend right now. Are you going to deny me that?”
I knew I had her the instant those words left my lips. She blinked a few times herself, and then sighed.
“Okay, but not here, and not some froufrou place either.”
“I couldn’t begin to tell you what a froufrou place is. Whatever you want to do, I’m fine. Just tell me where to go.”
She shook her head and held out her hand. “Uh, no sir, you’ve been drinking it seems. I’ll drive.”
I smiled and reached in my pocket to hand her my keys. “That’s fine with me.”
We had a small talk while she drove my Audi. I asked her about her brother, Terrence, and she asked me about my residency. She drove to a TGI Friday’s off Route 75, and, after we placed our orders, she looked expectantly at me.
I sipped on my water and met her gaze.
“So, are you going to tell me what’s going on?” she asked me.
“In a minute… first I want to know what’s up with you.”
She leaned back in her chair and shook her head. “Um, we’re not here for me and about me.”
“Who said? I mean, Ayana, how do you expect me to spill my guts and you not do the same?”
“Well, for one, I don’t have anything to spill. And two, we didn’t come here for that. If you’re expecting me to spill anything, we might as well call it a night and leave now.”
I tilted my head and studied her. She was always blunt and to the point, but, with me, it was different; we were different together. The woman who sat in front of me didn’t seem like the woman I used to know. There was definitely something going on with her, but I guessed I’d figure out another way to get at the truth.
I sighed. “Okay, you win.”
“It’s not a matter of winning,” she told me, “There really isn’t anything to tell with me. Other than me working like crazy to pay bills, that’s all.”
I put my hands up. “I understand. Really I do.”
Our drinks came, as well as the chips and salsa I ordered. Once the waiter left, she said to me. “So what’s up with you and your fiancée? Why are you two not getting married?”
I shrugged. “She turned out to not be the woman I thought she was.”
She scoffed. “Yeah, and what you just now figured that out? How long did you two date?”
“Off and on for about five years.”
She paused and studied me. I knew she understood the timetable and figured I got with Nora right after I left Dallas. She cleared her throat and asked me, “So what did she do to make you start to second guess your union?”
“I can’t say she has done anything, Ana. It’s not that simple. In the beginning, she was there for me while I went through residency. She supported me in my studies and all that. But that’s about it. You know me… I want more out of a relationship. I want the kind of woman that I can do anything with, travel and see the world or just sit around the house, watch movies and chill. I want that option to be alone with the woman I love more than be surrounded by people I can’t stand and it not be a problem. I don’t kiss ass well, and I hate pretending. I have to do both when it comes to being with her and her friends.”
Ayana looked at me skeptically, calling my bullshit. I sighed deeply and added, “Look, I don’t want to bore you with the complete details. Let’s just say things started to change after the ring went on her finger. What started to rub me the wrong way was the constant hand holding, taking over my life, talking for me, and making decisions for me like I’m a goddamn kid. I don’t need anyone to take care of me like that.”
“Okay, so why don’t you share that information with… what’s her name?”
“Nora…”
“Okay, so why don’t you talk to Nora? I know you haven’t done this, and I know you probably just went through the motions all the while being miserable.”
I smirked and sipped on my Scotch. “You don’t know me as well as you t
hink you do. I actually told her many times my issues with our relationship. Yes, I have evolved. Go figure. The problem is I don’t have the stomach for her pouting all the time, or to listen to her complain. You know I’m a peaceful kind of guy, so I go…”
She laughed. “Oh my God! You? Peaceful? Ha! Are you kidding me?”
“What?” I frowned holding my glass to my lips.
She shook her head and sipped on her Margarita.
“Remember the time my bike got stolen? We were in the eighth grade, and you and I were only friends for… What? About three months at the time?”
“Yeah, I remember. What about it?”
“Do you remember who stole the bike?” she added.
“Not particularly no, but it seems that you do.”
She nodded her head. “Yes, I do, actually. He still comes in Ice’s and always asks about you.”
“Okay, what’s your point?”
“Here’s my point, smart ass; when Roger stole my bike, I told you I would go and talk to him the next day. I said not to worry about it, that I would handle it. Remember I said that to you?”
I nodded. “Yes, but I also remember that I actually found your bike in the front of his gate and brought it back to you. No harm, no foul. You didn’t need to waste your time.”
She nodded again. “Yes, you did.”
I added for good measure, “I remember your mom was very pleased with me. I got a whole apple pie for my efforts.”
She laughed. “Yes, you did.”
“Okay, so what’s the problem? I don’t see how that proves I’m not a peaceful man.”
She laughed again and shook her head. “Are you kidding me? You’re gonna sit here and pretend you don’t remember what happened?”
I slouched down further in the chair and ran my hand through my hair. I knew exactly what she was getting at, but I didn’t want to say more, just in case she was bluffing. She couldn’t have found out what happened… Could she?
“Okay, if you want to play it this way, fine. So as you said you got my bike for me and I was very happy,” she added. “But the next day I still went to see Roger. You see, he and I had an understanding. When he stole my bike, all I had to do was take him a chocolate cake, and he instantly gave me my bike back. That was the arrangement between us. So since I made the cake for him, I figured I’d give it to him just because.”
“Uh-huh,” I responded but just as she said she went to see him, I knew she knew what I did.
“Uh-huh… and, much to my surprise, when Roger came to the door, he had bruises on his face. I asked him, concerned, ‘What happened?’ and you know what he said to me? He said to me, ‘Your boyfriend happened.’ Now I know I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time, so the only other person he would be referring to is you. He then tells me you went over there telling him to give up the bike. Of course Roger refused, and you just punched him in the face.”
I shook my head. “Yea, that’s not how it happened.”
“So you admit you hit him then…”
“Yeah okay! Fine! Yes, but that’s not how it happened. The sloppy fucker was actually riding your bike up and down the street with his friends. They were laughing as he jumped willies on your bike and shit like that. So I went up to them and said, ‘Give me back Ayana’s bike.’ Of course, they laughed at me; the skinny white kid and all that.”
Our food came, and I waited until the waiter placed the food down, asked us if we needed anything else and left before I continued. “Since Roger was bigger than me, he figured he’d challenge me and, since his friends were around, he felt it was the best time to do it. So, for your information he started it, and I pretty much ended it. I just hit him twice in the stomach, then once in the face, and he went down. A couple of his friends tried to jump in it, and I took them down too. I may have been quiet in school but in no way was I a pussy.”
“So you call that peaceful?” she replied
“I didn’t start it,” I rebutted.
She shook her head but didn’t reply. I sighed and affirmed, “Look, at the end of the day, Roger and his friends deserved what they got and you shouldn’t have had to make his ass anything. I’m sure you had no problems from him after that, right?” I paused and when she shook her head, no, I continued. “And as far as Nora goes, she and I just weren’t on the same page as I thought we were. I was wrapped up in my career to see it at first, but now I do. Now I don’t feel like Nora is the one I should make my wife. It’s a little messed up I know, but I’d rather do it now than later. I don’t want to be a robot in a marriage doomed to fail. Shit’s going to be rough as it is with the type of job I have, working crazy hours and being on call. I just need that one person that can handle it as well as handle me and, to be honest, I don’t think she exists.”
“Why is that?”
I just shrugged. “I just don’t, but I don’t want to settle. It’s all or nothing when you talk about marrying someone, right?”
We both got quiet as we ate with an occasional drive down memory lane or story one of us wanted to share. I told her about my cases, the good and the bad. We talked about her going to school and working at Ice’s.
When we pulled up at Ice’s, after dinner, she said goodbye to me, turned off the car and started to get out. I touched her arm, and she looked back at me.
I said, “Listen, just as much as you know me, I know you. I know something is up and I know it has to be deep. I hope it has nothing to do with your brother and the shit he’s into. The drug thing was crazy and if you’re wrapped up in that again…”
“I’m not,” she said simply.
I continued, “If you are, then I won’t reach out to you anymore. I can’t deal with that shit again.”
“I told you I’m not,” she repeated.
I sighed. “Then what’s going on with you? You’re jumpy and short-tempered, more than usual, I might add. You’ve lost a lot of weight that, in my medical opinion, isn’t healthy. Come on, Ana; talk to me. If it isn’t drugs, what is it?”
“I can’t, okay? It’s nothing like before, I assure you. I just…” She got quiet and I saw the battle that ensued in her eyes. “Maybe your brother is right; maybe you should stay away from me.” She then got out of the car, leaving me with a shitload of questions and not a single answer.
When I made it back to my brother’s house, I was met by an angry figure sitting in the living room. I ignored him, not trying to deal with his shit. He’s typically angry all the time about everything. I told you the death of MJ messed him up.
I headed for the kitchen to grab some water. When I turned around to head to my room, he was standing in the doorway.
“Are you that fucking stupid?”
“What are you talking about?” I knew what he was talking about mind you, but hell I didn’t want to assume.
“You know what the fuck I’m talking about. I mean, you left a wonderful girl for what? For that trash? I thought you were better than that.”
I walked past him, bumping his shoulder on my way out of the kitchen.
“Don’t walk away from me.”
I turned around. “Lock, you don’t know shit that’s going on.”
“Yea?” He folded his arms. “Why don’t you enlighten me? Help me understand why you left Nora for a junkie?”
“Wow,” I challenged, shaking my head.
“Ana says all the time that you don’t like her. And I would always say she was wrong, but you really don’t like her.”
“What I don’t like is her stringing my brother along-”
“She’s not stringing me along,” I declared, but he kept going as if I didn’t say anything.
“…getting you into some shit that later I’d have to figure out a way to get you out of it.”
“Shit, Lock, I’m not a fucking kid. I don’t need you to figure shit out for me. I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about me.”
Lock moved closer to me and pointed at my chest. “Yeah, bro, but you didn’t see the afterma
th of what she did to you. Shit man, you were fucked up over her. I don’t want to see that happen again. She’s not good for you. No woman should have that kind of effect on any man.”
“Is that what’s going on with you, Lock? MJ has been gone for years and you’re as miserable and messed up as the day she passed.”
Lock’s face became distorted as he moved in mine. “Fuck you, Brad. You have no idea what I’m going through.”
“You’re right, Lock. I don’t, but I have a pretty good idea. I miss her too,” I told him solemnly.
“It’s not the same…”
“You’re right. It’s not, but I’ll tell you something that you need to hear. That woman loved the shit out of you. She wouldn’t want you walking around here like you do, angry at the world, taking that shit out on everyone around you. I mean, mourn the hell out of your woman, Lock. I’m not saying don’t, but, shit bro, you’re wasting away. Ayana’s not the only one that I can tell has been through hell. I’m actually worried about you too.”
Lock backed up. “Yeah? Well, don’t.”
He walked into the living room and I followed. “Unfortunately, I can’t help it.”
“Well try. I’m fine, Brad.”
Lock moved past the living room heading straight for the upstairs steps.
I yelled up to him. “While you’re up there, shave that damn beard and take a shower. You look like you haven’t showered in months.”
He grunted his reply and when I heard his door slam, I just shook my head.
I’m fine, my ass.
I know he and I will have this conversation again—we’re just getting started. My brother wasn’t one of those guys that walked around constantly smiling. I mean, he is a mean son of a bitch, but he didn’t seem himself. We are ‘A’ typical guys; we talk about sports most times when we’re together. We talk about our jobs and tell each other stories. We talk about our mother and her eighth husband. We laugh at the painstaking challenges of our father and his young wife that drives him crazy.