His face goes an angry shade of red. “No, I don’t. Neither do Cal and Woody. Fuck, our parents don’t understand. Why is that, Rutherford? Why don’t you explain it to me?” Linc’s anger is evident. It’s not the time for this discussion, but will there ever be a time?
“The men who killed Andrew needed to pay…”
Linc holds one hand up and keeps me from finishing the statement. “Don’t you fucking tell me you’ve killed people.” He stops and readjusts his hold on the baby. His voice lowers. “I’m a cop for Christ’s sake.”
Right at this moment I’d give anything to be holding Beth’s child. The pain is all-consuming. Just once. Would that really make it so hard to leave him behind? Leave Beth behind? The answer is yes. This is not my son even though, with every part of my soul, I want him to be. Hell, he doesn’t need to be my blood for me to take him under my wing and raise him.
Then I ask myself…raise him to be what? A criminal? A killer? I can’t do it, won’t do it.
With a loud frustrated sigh I look back at my brother. “What do you think war is, Linc? Of course I’ve killed people. More people than I can count. I pointed my rifle at the enemy and sprayed bullets.”
Linc’s eyes burn into mine. “You know that’s not what I’m fucking saying.”
God, I want to strangle him. “The men who killed Andrew don’t play by your rules. They kill indiscriminately. The only way to stop them and others like them is to take them out. Mexican drug lords are similar to Middle Eastern terrorists, except these guys are on our doorstep pushing into our territory.”
Linc laughs with derision. “You talk like a drug dealer. Hell, you work for a drug dealer. Do you feed yourself this shit so you’re okay with what you do?”
“You know nothing about the man I work for,” I spit out. Burning anger starts coiling in my gut.
“So tell me.” He rocks a little faster in the chair. “Tell me so I understand.”
He’ll never understand but I try anyway. “The men I work with have a different definition of right and wrong. They make their own laws. Good or bad, the people in that world understand their laws. The men who killed Andrew have no line they won’t cross. They do worse than kill border patrol officers. They kill women and children.” I glance down at the worn carpet. “They smash children’s skulls against brick walls, they rape women and mutilate them if they don’t kill them outright. And,” I meet my brother’s eyes and see him grimace, “they rape young girls—ten, eleven, twelve—still babies. This isn’t a fight for peacekeepers like you and Cal and Woody. It’s a fight for killers. The war taught me to kill and I’m damned good at it. Moon and Gomez feel the same way I do. Moon can’t stop the tide of drugs pouring into this country but he can make sure they aren’t laced with poison and they don’t get into the hands of children.” I sit down across from my brother and lean my head against the cushion behind my head. “You’re a good man, Linc. You’ll never understand.”
He remains quiet for a long time. In the stillness my attention turns to a colorful wall clock with large hands that ticks loudly. The entire house is out of character for my brother. I see Shelby’s influence everywhere. There’s a sheer red scarf hanging from a lamp. I’m happy for him. He was always so serious. Shelby has softened him. Not toward me but in so many other ways.
“Where do Beth and this baby fit into this life you’ve made?”
It’s so simple and still so damn hard. “She doesn’t. She has no idea who or what I am. She’s running from a mob boss’s son. The last thing she needs is getting involved with a man who works for a different mob.”
“You work for the Mob?” Beth whispers from the hallway.
I turn. Her devastated expression guts me. Before I answer, she walks over and takes the baby from my brother. She’s blinking back tears. I stare into her eyes when she turns to me and I see everything I deserve—anger, fear, and the worst…betrayal.
Daisy’s whine breaks the silence. “I’ll take Daisy next door and give the two of you time alone,” my brother says after grabbing Daisy’s collar.
There will never be enough time to make this right with Beth.
She takes Linc’s place in the rocking chair after the front door closes. Condemnation shines from her eyes. “I should have asked sooner,” she states. “Who are you, Rack?” She continues before I can answer. “Hell, I should have asked Angelo that question too.”
I watch her with the baby. So protective, such an incredible mother. She deserves the truth and I told her I would never lie to her. “I work for an Arizona and New Mexico crime lord. Nowhere close to the level as the Gimonde family.” Beth repositions the baby so he’s upright and against her chest. Her hand gently rubs his back over the blanket. “I swore I’d tell you whatever you wanted to know.”
She looks away. “Why?”
Her discovering who I am and what I do was inevitable. That doesn’t mean it’s any easier to explain. “I’m searching for the men who killed my brother. The organization I work for helps me and I help them.” She shakes her head and I keep talking. “I kill and torture people. I get rid of the bodies when needed. I’ve transported drugs and guns. I make no excuses. I’m a dangerous man and that’s exactly what you needed to get away from Gimonde. I won’t make excuses for that. I’ll find a safe place for you and the baby. You’ll be done with me.” I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees. “He needs a birth certificate and you need a new last name. The man I work for will make it happen.”
Beth’s gaze shifts to the floor. She speaks so low I can’t make out what she says. Tears fall to the carpet. I can’t take it. I cross to the rocking chair, go to my knees, and wrap my arm around her shoulder. “How could I let this happen again?” she asks desperately. She’s right and so incredibly wrong. I’m the only person who can keep her safe. Her next words kill me a little more. “Nick would hate who you’ve become.”
My fingers slide beneath her chin and I tip her head so our eyes meet. Tears hang on her lashes. “You’re wrong. Nick would understand. He would have done anything to keep you safe and he would have killed anyone who hurt you.”
She gulps in a breath. “He would hate me too.”
I want to shake her for sounding so defeated. “Nick could never hate you.”
“You’re wrong.” Her expression is condemning, so her next words surprise me. “I love you,” she says simply and yet it’s anything but simple.
I say nothing. She can’t love me.
She shakes off my arm, stands, and walks away with the baby. I don’t stop her. Her hero worship is shattered. What she feels is not love and I’m as far from a hero as anyone can be.
Chapter Twenty
Beth
PILLOWS ARE BEHIND MY back and I’m nursing my hungry son. My nipples are sore, but I don’t care. I crave this closeness and need the comfort it brings.
Part of me wishes I hadn’t listened to Rack and Linc’s conversation. I’m incredibly foolish when it comes to men. It never occurred to me that Rack was anyone other than who my brother wrote me about—a good, solid man. Now I’m back to square one—in too far over my head with no way out.
Rack doesn’t believe I love him. Why should he? He has no idea I see him through my brother’s eyes. Nick conveyed his respect for Rack in every email he sent. It was easy for me to fantasize and turn Rack into a mythical god. It was so easy to form a crush on the man my brother handpicked. Nick made it clear that Rack was perfect for me. Then I met Kevin, a real person and not just some fantasy guy my brother gushed over.
I was angry with my brother too. Angry that he re-enlisted and returned for another tour of duty. Rebelling against Nick’s amazing friend who he wanted me to meet was easy. I had a flesh and blood man to take his place, or so I thought. Kevin never wanted to marry me. When Nick died, Kevin didn’t know any other way to bring me out of my grief. Truthfully, a ring helped. Maybe someday I will forgive him for sleeping with my best friend. Our relationship was a sham, our engagement mo
re so. I see that now. I think my anger derives from what happened after Kevin. That being Angelo and the mess I made there. In all this there’s one common denominator…me. Bad choice after bad choice.
My son yawns and then grasps my nipple again, causing me to inhale sharply. Shelby and I researched breastfeeding on the Internet and discovered the discomfort is common. Time will cure the problem and Shelby promised to bring home some breast cream today. I’ll survive and be thankful for the opportunity to feed my son. His beautiful eyes flutter and he grins, in his perfect little newborn way, around my nipple. How do you express something greater than love? I don’t think you can.
“We have each other, little man,” I whisper and squeeze him a tiny bit tighter. I’ll make sure it’s enough. I need to keep my heart in check and discover how to fall out of love with Rack. “No more men,” I say and then smile because that’s all you can do when you’re looking at something so precious.
Shelby knocks softly and enters the room a short time later. She brings in a box, places it on the floor by the bed, and hands me a small bag. I look inside and see the breast cream.
“My friend said you can rewash the clothes if you want but she did it before putting them in plastic a few weeks ago when she cleaned out her son’s dresser.”
I sniff.
“Are you okay?”
I take a breath and gain control. “I’ll be fine. Rack and I chased Linc off. Is he back?”
She shakes her head. “Rack said Linc’s at my place with Daisy. I figured Daisy got a little too rambunctious. My house is the other half of the duplex if you haven’t figured that out.”
I can’t help asking. “Did you know Rack is a criminal?”
Shelby moves to the side of the bed and puts her hand on my arm. “Oh, sweetie.” She smiles sadly. “I know Linc. I also know his other two brothers and their parents. Rack has made bad decisions. No man who rescued you and loves this little guy could be all bad.”
I gaze down at my son—his chubby, rosy cheeks. His tiny fingers curled into fists. His lips that make sucking motions even though he’s sleeping. It breaks my heart to say the words, “Rack doesn’t love him. He’s another man’s child.”
Shelby sighs heavily. “Keep telling yourself that. Watch his expression when he looks at the baby. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.”
Shelby lives in a fantasy world if she thinks Rack loves my son. I change the subject because this one is too painful. “I need a name and nothing fits.”
She knows exactly what I’m doing and bites her lip before giving in. “No worries. You’ll find the right name. These things can’t be rushed. How about we get this little boy in some proper clothes and take some more pictures?”
I love the pink jumper. Rack bought it. I blink away more tears. I hate the damn hormones that bring on these waterworks. We change his diaper first, which makes him angry. He’s asleep again before we finish. I’m a pro now at diaper changes and handle it easily. We put him in a thin, white, one-piece sleeper with small colorful images of baseballs covering it. Rack steps in just as we’re fastening the last snaps on the new sleeper.
Rack has been nothing but self-assured since rescuing me. That’s not the expression on his face now. He’s hesitant and I wonder if he thinks I’ll tell him to leave the room. He saved us. I can’t imagine how my baby’s life would have turned out without Rack’s help.
“Do you want to hold him?” I ask. The lines in Rack’s face relax and I see relief.
He shakes his head. I cast a quick I told you so glance at Shelby. Daisy sticks his large head in the room and gives a low whine.
“You need to eat, Daisy. Let’s go, you can see the baby later.” Shelby walks around Rack and turns at the door. “My friend gave you a swing and bassinet too. There’s not enough room in here for both. I’ll have Linc set up the swing in the living room. I’ll bring something in for both of you to munch on after I feed Daisy.”
I don’t want to be alone with Rack. I told him I love him, which was really stupid. No man wants to hear a woman say that after a few days. “We’ll come out there to eat. I need to get out of the bedroom and move around.”
“Twenty minutes,” Shelby replies before closing the door and leaving us alone.
An unraveled stitch in the comforter catches my interest. Rack’s on the opposite side of the bed from where I’m lying and he’s still too close. Like my brother, Rack is larger than life. He’s also sexy and even a woman who’s just given birth can’t deny it.
“What has you so amused?” Rack asks, and I realize I must have smiled.
I run my finger over the thread again before looking up. He’s moved to the end of the bed and he’s watching me. His eyes are hypnotic and the ache inside me doubles. I do love him even though I know it won’t work between us. I need to speak my mind and get it over with. “You rescued us. I can never repay you. I owe you so much and at the same time I’m incredibly conflicted.”
“After you’re safe, you’ll never see me again. You’ll have a new life and you’ll meet someone who is the right man for you.” He looks away before meeting my gaze again. “Someone Nick would approve of.”
Nick approved of Rack.
“Have you thought of a name?” Rack asks.
The baby’s name comes out of nowhere. “I like Carson.”
Rack thinks about it for a moment before nodding.
“Carson Andrew,” I add.
Rack closes his eyes. His arms flex and his hands fist. There is so much pain in his eyes when he opens them. “It’s a wonderful name.” He shoves his hands into his pockets and glances around the room.
I have no doubt he loved his brother as much as I loved mine. I never felt the need to hunt down the men who killed Nick. That’s the major difference between the two of us. I just wanted my brother back and the pain of his loss to go away.
“I think it’s a wonderful name too. Tell me something about your brother so I can pass the story to Carson when he’s older.” Maybe if Rack talks about his brother he can release some of the anger he still carries over his death.
Rack sits on the corner of the bed and gathers his thoughts. “Andrew hated bread crust. My mom cut the crust off all his sandwiches from the time he was a toddler. Andrew was sixteen when I left for my first tour of duty. Mom wanted to have a quiet going away party, so I came over for lunch. My mom made Andrew’s sandwich without the crust. When she left the room we teased him non-stop.” Rack looks down at the baby. “If Carson doesn’t like crust, it stops at ten. Those are guy rules.” Rack’s eyes are haunted even with the humor of his story. My heart aches for him.
“Guy rules, huh?” I challenge lightly. “Why didn’t Andrew tell your mother to stop?”
Just the corner of Rack’s lips tip into a smile. “You don’t know my mom. She would shake her head, mutter something in Italian, and keep doing it because it pleased her. She’s a horrible cook, so when we were lucky enough to have sandwiches, we ate them gladly.”
“Italian and didn’t cook. That’s awful.”
“Oh, she cooked, which was worse.”
I can’t help laughing and Rack smiles back. “You ready to go eat?” He nods at the door.
“I’m starving.”
And my heart is aching and I’m dying inside.
Chapter Twenty-One
Rack
I SLEEP BESIDE BETH the following two nights. We don’t speak about her future and she never mentions the sleeping arrangements. I would move to the couch if she insisted. I lie to myself by thinking it’s safer for me to be in the room with her. So much remains unsaid and maybe that’s how our relationship will end.
The baby sleeps next to the bed in a bassinet. The downside is that I lay awake longer than I should thinking about what it would be like if this were really my life. A wife, a child. A dream I never imagined. I only close my eyes when I’m too exhausted to keep them open.
On day four at my brother’s house, I take my throwaway cell in
to the backyard and sit on the steps while Daisy does his business. He’s one of the oddest looking dogs imaginable with shepherd markings and the kinky curly hair of a standard poodle. The day after we arrived, Daisy and I had a serious problem when he tried humping my leg. Linc, the ass, snickered. Shelby stopped me from pummeling my brother by saying Daisy really liked the Street brothers and unless we proved who the boss is, Daisy’s “like” might result in puppies.
Shelby’s a strange one. Her dog more so.
I explained the situation to Daisy and we reached a mutual understanding. He won’t hump my leg and I won’t shoot him. Beth laughed throughout the talk. Daisy gave a huff, settled down on the floor, and follows the new rules to the letter. Later that night, after the women went to bed, Linc told me Daisy saved Shelby when a killer attacked her. It only reaffirmed that Daisy needs strict guidance more than a bullet.
I watch Daisy explore the yard for a few minutes before tapping Gomez’s number into the phone. He answers on the third ring.
“Hola,” I say.
“At least you’re alive, fucker.”
“Alive and in need of a favor.”
No hesitation. “Name it.”
“Paperwork for a woman and a baby boy.”
He whistles. “Gimonde senior is looking for her now too. He’s not happy with his son. Senior will protect her and the baby. He’s given his word to Moon.”
I shouldn’t be surprised. “Won’t happen. I’m going after his son.”
Gomez is silent for a few seconds. He knows Angelo’s days are now numbered. “We’re between a rock and a fucking hard place,” he finally replies.
I hate bringing Gomez and Moon into this but I’ve drawn the line. “I won’t allow Gimonde to be a threat and that includes senior. It’s on me. Put out the word that I’ve gone rogue. Beth and the baby need to disappear or I wouldn’t ask you for this favor.”
“Understood. Consider it done. It will take a few days and we’ll need a picture of the woman and—”
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