by Kristy Love
I flinched, her words hitting too close to home because Nolan would be mediocre. He would be settling. Jax would be fucking amazing. He would be my happily ever after.
Even though he wasn’t in my life anymore it didn’t mean I’d stopped loving him.
“I can’t walk out on Nolan now. The guests are here and everything has been paid for.”
“What is more important, Cassie? Keeping the guests happy and not losing money or fighting for happiness? I’ll tell you what I think is most important, but this has to be your decision.”
“What about Ben?”
“Ben will be happiest if you are happy and you know it. He wouldn’t want you to marry someone you don’t truly love just to give him a father. You’ve been on your own all of Ben’s life and you have done an amazing job with him.”
I couldn’t respond because she was right. My heart twisted and a wave of nausea rolled through me. My heart and mind fought hard, both telling me to do different things. My fingers found the scar on my palm and I rubbed it. That made my decision easier.
I couldn’t walk away from Nolan, not now. “I need to go get married.”
Roxie looked at me, disappointment clear in her eyes. “Okay. Looks like you’ve made up your mind.” I nodded. “All right. Let’s go do this, I guess.” She forced a smile.
Roxie walked slightly behind me, not saying anything. When I saw Ben, I hugged him. I smiled at Anne, my other bridesmaid. Even though I lived a couple hours away from Anne and we no longer worked together at the diner, we still remained close friends. We talked all the time. I couldn’t imagine walking down the aisle without her. Roxie shot me another look before linking arms with Nolan’s brother. The wedding march played and the procession started.
My heart pounded. Not because I was happy, but because I kept picturing Jax looking so dejected as I left him behind in the bridal suite. Was it the right choice that I wasn’t with him right now, hearing him out, telling him I loved him? That I had never stopped loving him, for even a second. That I still dreamed about him. That I could envision growing old with him and having babies with him.
What did it mean that I was about to walk down the aisle to my future husband and I was dreaming about another man?
I pushed those thoughts away as Ben and I prepared to walk down the aisle together. My sister and Anne were lined up on my side of the altar with Nolan and his two brothers on the other. Nolan was smiling so widely it looked like his face would split in two. Everyone turned around and looked at me as we proceeded through the church. I fought the urge to turn and run.
Ben handed me off to Nolan, who immediately mouthed You look stunning. I love you. A stab went through my heart. He would be so hurt to know that I’d kissed Jax just moments before I was planning to marry him, even though it wasn’t something I planned. I smiled, though it felt stiff, and turned toward the priest. Guilt and uncertainty fought with my desire to stay and marry Nolan. It was the right course of action, right? Even if he didn’t make my heart race and I didn’t ache to be near him? Even as I stood here in my wedding dress, gazing at a man that I wanted to love with all my heart, I didn’t ache for him. I didn’t want to press my body up close to his just to feel his warmth.
But I wanted to. I wanted to feel all those things for Nolan. I just . . . didn’t.
The ceremony commenced and Nolan was reciting his vows . . . but I wasn’t listening. I was still back in the bridal suite, staring at Jax. My fingers were on my lips, touching them, holding his kiss close, knowing that Nolan would erase Jax’s kiss in a matter of moments.
Nolan said, “I do,” jolting me out of my thoughts. I looked back at him, knowing I was making a mistake, but completely unsure what to do.
The priest turned to me and said the first part of my vows and I was supposed to respond with, “I do.” But I couldn’t. I turned to face Nolan; if only he had brown hair and green eyes. My heart broke. I would never be enough for Nolan because I couldn’t give him what he deserved. He deserved to have someone who loved him wholeheartedly and my heart would always belong to someone else. Always.
“Cassie?” Nolan whispered, looking slightly worried. I realized that he had been trying to get my attention. I turned and looked at Roxie and she tilted her head and nodded toward the back of the church, telling me to leave. She would deal with Nolan and the guests and everything. All I had to do was run.
I turned back to Nolan. His face had fallen and he looked both pissed and sad, like he knew I was ditching him at the altar. I found Ry in one of the pews. She looked unhappy and offered me a sad smile.
“I can’t do this,” I said, looking back at Nolan.
“What?”
“I’m so sorry, Nolan, but I can’t do this right now. I need to leave.”
“You can’t just leave, Cassie. We paid money and all the guests are here. This is not the time to walk away,” he whispered, a forced smile stretching his lips.
“I’m sorry.” I lifted the hem of my dress and turned. My eyes caught on Ben and I hesitated. When I saw Roxie, she nodded, letting me know she would take care of him. I smiled. I had no idea what I would do without her.
I ran down the aisle, out of the church, and to the limo that was supposed to take Nolan and me to the reception. When I climbed inside, the driver turned to look at me, clearly shocked.
“Ma’am?”
“Drive. Just . . . drive.”
He nodded and pulled away. “Is there somewhere I should take you?”
I had no idea where I would go. Nolan and I had been living together for the last few months. Regret washed over me, knowing I should have listened to my gut and to Roxie. She told me not to move in with Nolan and she was right, but I had gone with what I thought I should do instead of what was right. I gave the driver my mom’s address and sat back, falling apart. I cried for all the mistakes I had make and for the girl I used to be.
I used to be more like Roxie, strong, independent, unwilling to compromise myself for anyone. Then Jax walked into my life and I changed. I became whatever I needed to be to make him okay. When I walked away, I was a shell of a person. I needed to find that girl again. The girl I was in the beginning.
When we got to my mom’s house, I went inside and up to my old room, where I stripped out of my wedding gown and changed into yoga pants and a comfortable shirt. Picking up the crumpled wedding dress, I rolled it in a ball and threw it into the corner of my closet.
My bed was still here, so I curled up on it, hugging a pillow to my chest while I cried, waiting for everyone to show up and demand to know what the hell I was thinking. But walking away from Nolan was the right decision, even if I didn’t find my way back to Jax. I would never be happy with Nolan. Not the way I wanted to be.
I cried until my skin was stiff from dried tears, then my eyes slowly drifted closed. I was lost in a few hours of blissful sleep, dreaming that Jax was lying with me, holding me close and assuring me that everything would soon be better.
THE LAST MONTH had been great. I was still working my ass off and exhausted all the time, but Jax made the constant grind easier to deal. We texted and called each other regularly. I ended up calling him and talking to him during my breaks and we texted every night before I fell asleep. On one of my days off each week, he drove down and spent time with me. Sometimes he planned something special like horseback riding or a boat tour on the Potomac. Sometimes it was something easy like lunch and a movie. He went to a new chick flick with me for no other reason than I wanted to see it.
Since the horseback riding date, he had shown up with little presents for Ben. The first time it was a train I told him Ben was missing from his collection. The next time it was a set of train tracks. The last time it was a stack of books. He always made sure to ask about Ben because he knew Ben was important to me. He never made a big deal about the presents, either. Usually he waited until we were getting ready to leave and he’d go to his truck and pull it out, telling me he almost forgot. Every time he did¸ my
heart melted toward him more and more.
I was seriously falling for him.
Today was the day Jax was moving back to town since school was starting back up soon. I was totally excited that he was moving closer. Even though I would still need someone to watch Ben for us to hang out, the thought of him being closer was nice.
Once he was settled into his dorm, he was going to call me. Maria had agreed to stay with Ben so I could go see Jax for a little bit. We were just going to get a coffee. It would be a short and sweet date, but I hoped it would change things.
I had been playing it very cautiously and guarded up to this point, protecting my heart. We hugged, held hands, touched each other frequently, but I hadn’t let it go farther than that. He had tried to kiss me several times, but I turned my cheek, only letting his lips rest there for a second. I was scared. What I felt for him was too much, too quickly; it would be so easy to be left with a broken heart. So, I kept distance between us. Jax handled it fine, not showing any frustration or annoyance at all. Instead, he smiled and pulled me into a hug.
Today, though, I wanted to take things a step farther. He was living closer and I hoped to advance our relationship. Hopefully he was fine with it.
I was terrified that I felt more for him than he felt for me. What if I gave my heart to him and was left behind? There was no easy way to recover from that. He would destroy me if he walked away.
My phone buzzed with a new text and I quickly checked it.
Jax: All moved in. My mom went back home. Want to get together now?
Cassie: Yeah. The Grind Shop on the corner?
Jax: Perfect. Give me fifteen minutes.
Cassie: :)
I unglued Ben from his train cartoon and picked him up, carrying him to Maria’s. I kissed the side of Ben’s head. “Ben, Momma’s going out. I’ll be back soon, okay?” He nodded. I said goodbye to Maria and left.
I PULLED UP to the coffee shop and Jax was already leaning against the wall outside, smoking. My heart picked up and I climbed out of my car. He saw me and waved, tossing his cigarette to the ground and stepping on it. I slung my purse over my shoulder and hurried toward him. My heart pounded in my chest and nerves caused my skin to prickle. He smiled at me, one side of his lips quirked up higher than the other. That smile was my undoing every time.
When I got close to him, I flung my arms around his neck and took a deep breath. I closed my eyes and relished the feel of his arms around me.
“Hey,” he whispered in my ear.
“I’m so happy to see you.”
He kissed the top of my head and I burrowed closer to him. I never felt close enough to him. “I’m happy to see you, too.”
“How was the move?” I asked, my arms still around him. My words were partially muffled by his shoulder.
“It sucked ass, but I’m here now.”
I smiled so big my cheeks ached. He was here now. I looked up at him and my breath caught in my throat. His eyes seemed to shine as he studied my face.
I pushed up on my toes and gently pressed my lips to his. Chills raced up and down my arms and my spine and I slid my hands into his hair, holding his face close to me. I didn’t want him to pull away. He didn’t miss a beat. His hands plunged into my hair and his mouth opened for mine.
He tasted like cigarettes and breath mints. The kiss deepened and his hands slid down my back to grip me close to him. My hands stayed buried in his hair. Somewhere in the back of my mind the thought intruded that this was bordering on public indecency and we shouldn’t be doing this, but the feel of his hands on my body and his body pressed to mine and the way our lips moved together made any other concerns disappear. He nipped my lip and then soothed it with his tongue and I sighed into his mouth before he brought his lips back to mine.
I was complete in this moment. There was nothing for me beyond Jax and me and our bodies so in tune. I could kiss him forever.
“Get a fucking room!” someone yelled, and I jerked my head back. Jax chuckled and brushed his thumb down my cheek and over my lips.
“Ignore them,” he said, low enough that only I could hear. His eyes slid over my face as his thumb brushed back and forth over my lips. He slowly, so slowly I thought I would die, brought his lips back to mine and kissed me softly. I leaned into him, needing him to be my strength because surely I couldn’t support myself anymore. Not without him there.
Forever—or a few seconds—passed and he pulled away. I kept my face close to his and my eyes closed. Our moment was ending. If I had my wish he would never take his lips from mine. He rested his palm against my cheek and I leaned my cheek into it, finally opening my eyes. His eyes were full of emotion; if only I could read what those emotions were.
“You have to get back soon. Let’s go inside and get a coffee,” he said. I nodded as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and ushered me inside.
After we ordered, we sat on a couch, our thighs pressed together without any space between us. I was clinging to him and he seemed fine with it. He put his arm around me once we were seated and I snuggled closer to him. “How has your day been?” he asked. He sounded completely casual. As though we hadn’t just shared the most intimate moment of my life.
“Fine.”
“That’s good.” He kissed the side of my head.
“Did you meet your roommate yet?”
“Yeah. He seems like an okay guy.”
“Tell me about him.” I’d been waiting all day to listen to his voice. To feel it rumble through his body and hear it close to my ear. In this corner of the coffee shop, I could pretend there was only the two of us.
“He looks like a total surfer. I kind of want to punch him in the face.” He chuckled. “But he seems cool enough. He brought five six-packs of beer into the room, looked at me, then told me to stay the fuck away from his alcohol.” He didn’t seem cool to me. At all. “I’ll let you in on a secret.” Jax leaned down so he could whisper in my ear. “I think he’s a drug dealer.”
I sat up straight and pulled away from him. “What do you mean? How do you know that?”
“We were only in the room thirty minutes and he had five people come by who he had to go speak to privately. Before he left, he went over to his desk drawer and pulled something out. One of the times he left, I went over and looked inside. They were baggies and they looked like they had drugs in them.”
“Can you get your room changed?”
“It’s no big deal.”
“That’s scary, though.”
“Yeah, but I’m a big boy. I’ll be fine.”
“Don’t be so casual about this!”
“Cassandra, calm down. I’ll handle it, okay?”
“Okay.” I leaned back into him, relaxing into his warmth and strength again. “How did your mom handle you moving?”
He shrugged. “She seemed okay, though she was sad. She said she’d miss having someone around.”
“You can still visit her.”
“I know. It’s just not the same, you know? Now I have to drive an hour. Before, I was right across the hall.” He took a sip of his coffee. “I think it made her feel better to meet my roommate, though. They seemed to hit it off really well.”
“The drug dealer?”
“Yeah,” he said, chuckling. “I guess they’re kindred spirits.”
I raised my eyebrows. “That’s interesting.”
“It’ll be fine.” It sounded like he was trying to convince both me and himself. I brushed it off, figuring his mom lived an hour away so she’d never know her son was rooming with a drug dealer.
“Why not go and see her this weekend?”
“I am. Ry and Will are coming.” He pulled me close to him and kissed my forehead. He couldn’t seem to keep his hands and lips off me. “I’d like for you to come, too.”
My eyes widened and my heart skipped a beat. I was glad my head was rested against his chest and he couldn’t see my face. He’d surely see the panic on it. We’d never defined what we were. We didn’
t have a label to classify us and I had no idea if we were exclusive or if I was just a distraction for him. But meeting his family . . . that felt like a big step.
Jax hadn’t met Ben yet. It was weird to think of meeting his family when he hadn’t met my son. Not only that, but we would likely be at his mom’s all day. I wasn’t sure about leaving Ben for the entire day. Also, I was scheduled to work.
“I have to work,” I said.
“I know. I’d just like you to meet my mom and officially meet my sister. They’re important to me, you know?”
“I know.” Before I could stop myself, I volunteered, “Maybe I could try and switch my schedule.”
He looked at me, surprised. “You’d do that?”
“Yeah, why not? I’d like to meet your family.”
A slow, sexy grin curled his lips. “I’d appreciate that.”
I cleared my throat. “Maybe you could meet Ben later this week. Before we go up. I mean, if you wouldn’t mind him coming with us.”
“I’d absolutely love to meet Ben. He’s more than welcome to come with us. I wanted him to go with us, but I didn’t want to mention it and make you feel pressured.”
I swallowed. It was real. This thing between us was real. He cared about me and Ben. “I work breakfast and lunch tomorrow. Do you want to come over and see him?”
“Yeah. If you’re sure you’re okay with it.”
I leaned over to him, our faces just a breath apart. “I’m sure.” I kissed him, hoping he’d feel how sincere I was and not how nervous and unsure I really was. Having him meeting Ben was another huge step. I had wanted to take things further with him, I just didn’t realize it would be that much, that quickly. “I need to get back home.”
“Sure thing,” he said. He stood and held out his hand, helping me up. We walked out to my car, holding hands the whole way. I couldn’t fight the giddiness I felt. When we got to my car, he pulled me to him, kissing the hell out of me. I lost myself in his lips again. He pulled away, his eyes glazed and a smile on his face. “I’ll see you later, beautiful.”