by Kristy Love
“It’s close enough for me.”
“That’s what I said, too. Apparently there’s a big difference.”
“Who knew?”
Ry laughed. “Anyway, when they were roommates last year, they would disappear into their dorm for whole weekends and get lost in a game, especially if it was a new release.”
“Jax doesn’t really play video games now.”
“Maybe because he lost his partner in crime,” Leslie piped up.
Ry rolled her eyes and turned toward her. “Will didn’t dump Jax, Mom, he just moved in with me.”
“That’s the same thing. You two have a tendency to get lost in your own world.”
“Whatever,” Ry grumbled. I was sure Leslie was at least partially right. In the short time I had known Jax, he had mentioned missing hanging out with Will. I told him to have patience. He was getting used to living with his girlfriend. I wasn’t sure if it helped. I hoped, but I wasn’t sure. He hadn’t mentioned it since.
“He’ll be fine,” Leslie said. “He has Cassie now to keep him company.”
I looked down, not liking the way that felt like an innuendo. Suddenly, I felt like everyone could tell what Jax and I had been up to the other night. That was not something I wanted to share with his sister or his mother.
“God, Mom, learn how to be appropriate,” Ry said. She turned toward me and rolled her eyes. “Sometimes I feel like you don’t know where the lines are.” Ry chuckled, clearly teasing her mother.
Unfortunately, Leslie didn’t look like she found it funny. She looked down at the bread she was slicing. The same look that was full of sadness and regret filled her face. After a few seconds, Ry turned around and went over and hugged Leslie. She whispered something in Leslie’s ear and I wondered what was going on. Leslie seemed to be struggling to hold it together while Ry comforted her. I turned around, giving them a moment. I felt like I was intruding.
After a few minutes, Ry came over to me and touched my shoulder. “Thank you,” she whispered.
I nodded, not having any clue what I did. Leslie cleared her throat and called the guys into the room.
Our lunch went on as though nothing had happened. Ry kept an eye on Leslie, but she didn’t say anything else. It wasn’t until Leslie opened a new bottle of wine and poured herself a glass that was almost to the brim that Ry and Jax exchanged a look.
“Mom,” Ry said.
“Don’t start with me, Ryanne. I’m just enjoying having my babies home,” Leslie responded, effectively cutting Ry off. Ry pressed her lips into a firm line and looked at Jax, raising her eyebrows in question. Jax shrugged. Once again, I felt like an intruder.
Ry watched Leslie warily as she drank her wine. Really, Leslie gulped the wine and immediately refilled her glass. Before we all left, Leslie had finished the whole bottle. Ry seemed angry. Jax seemed embarrassed. He ushered Ben and me out of the apartment quickly and was quiet on the way home.
I wondered what in the world happened to upset Jax and Ry. Sure, their mom had more wine than I thought was wise, but it went beyond that. I wondered if she was an alcoholic. Again, I didn’t feel it was my place to say anything, so I let Jax brood in silence while my mind raced through the possibilities.
I HAD JUST loaded the dishwasher in my kitchen and turned it on. Jax was on the couch, his arm thrown over his head. When I came into the living room, he held his hand out for me. I climbed on top of him, laying my cheek on his chest. He ran his hands over my back. He had been quiet the rest of the day. I wished he’d open up to me, but I wasn’t sure how to approach it.
“Are you okay?” I asked after a long period of him running his hands over my back.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“You seem upset.”
“I’m afraid it’s not an easy explanation.”
I peered up at him, resting my chin on my hand. “You can tell me anything.”
He heaved a deep sigh, my head rising with the motion of his chest. “My mom is an addict. She’s been clean for a couple years, but she’s recently started drinking again. Ry’s afraid it’ll cause her to relapse.”
I didn’t know much about addiction, but I did know that once you were an addict, using any type of substance was a bad idea. It was a slippery slope. “What do you think?”
“I don’t know what to think. She’s been sad a lot lately. I know she was sad that I moved out, though she agreed I needed to. She didn’t want me to stop living my life on account of her.”
“That was nice of her.”
“She just feels guilty.” I looked at him questioningly. “My mom hasn’t really been in my life for that long.” He sighed again. “It’s a long, complicated story, Cassandra.”
“I won’t push, but I’m willing to listen.”
He brushed my hair off my cheek. “I know. My mom got pregnant with Ry from her drug dealer and then met my dad toward the end of the pregnancy. She had gotten clean for the sake of the baby, and my dad took her in. They got married before Ry was born and it seemed like they had their perfect little family. After my mom had me, she started using again. When I was two, my dad had to kick my mom out of the house because she was so bad.”
My heart broke. “That’s awful, Jax.”
“What was worse was my dad. He disconnected from Ry and me. The older we got, the less he was around. By the time I turned eighteen, he was pretty much gone all the time.”
“Where’d he go?”
“Work. He was always working.”
“He just left you and Ry?”
“Yeah. Ry pretty much raised me.”
“When did your mom come back into the picture?”
“When I turned eighteen, she started writing letters to Ry and me. She wanted us to know her side of the story. Surprisingly, she took full ownership over how fucked up she was. Ry and I got in touch with her. That’s when my dad told us to pick my mom or him. He had never gotten over her and he was still angry that she left him with two kids. So he told us to choose.”
“How could he do that? He was the one who kicked her out instead of getting her help.”
“That’s just the way my dad is.”
“What’d y’all do?”
“Ry told him to go fuck himself. We continued talking to our mom and then my dad kicked us out.”
I felt my heart twist and ache for Jax. That was so messed up. I knew how it felt to be abandoned by family. I rested my hand against his cheek. “I’m sorry, Jax.” He nodded and turned his attention to the TV. “Have you seen your dad since?”
“No, he sold the house and disappeared. Honestly, I don’t want anything to do with him.”
“I wouldn’t either.”
“I have my mom and my sister. That’s all I need.” He sighed again. “I just hope my mom knows what she’s doing. I don’t want her to relapse again. She has a few times in the past and this is the longest stretch she’s ever been sober.”
I didn’t say that I thought she was already relapsing. Seeing her down that alcohol this afternoon, I had a feeling she was using her privacy to indulge in old habits. “Was she an alcoholic?”
“No, it was heroin.”
I nodded. I was lost in my own thoughts about what Jax had just revealed. I lay there, my cheek pressed to his chest, listening to his heart beat. I thought about Jax and how awful it was that he had been abandoned by his parents at different times in his life. I was amazed that he hadn’t become an addict himself. He certainly had the history for it.
It seemed he was stronger than that.
I moved higher on his body and pressed my lips softly to him, giving him all the feelings I had and all the support I could muster. When I pulled away, he smiled at me and brushed hair behind my ear again. I rested my head back against his chest and got lost in the feeling of him all around me until his heart’s steady beat lulled me to sleep.
I GOT HOME from class and tossed my backpack onto the floor next to my bed. This semester was kicking my ass. All of my classes were har
der since I had taken a lot of my generalized classes already. I only had two more years until I was done and I couldn’t wait. I was really over school.
I changed and then stretched out on my bed, checking my phone. Cassandra had a double shift at work today, so my phone had been silent for the majority of the day. She had texted me a little bit between her shifts, but today the diner was slammed, so she had little time for messaging.
Since she met my mom and sister, we had grown even closer. Every day that she had off of work I was over at her apartment, hanging out with her. When we weren’t able to hang out, we texted almost nonstop. It was easier for her to text rather than make phone calls since she was always either working or taking care of Ben. I was really beginning to care about Ben a lot. I liked hanging out with him and playing with him. He was a good kid most of the time and he seemed to like me as well.
The last couple of weeks, Cassandra and I had the same days off, but this week my manager switched up my schedule a little bit. So, even though I had off a day, she had to work a double shift. It sucked because I would rather be hanging out with her and Ben, but there was nothing I could do.
I had recently found a job as a cashier in a gas station. The job was terribly boring, but it brought much needed cash in. My mom was struggling a little bit to pay her bills, so I gave her a chunk of every paycheck. I didn’t make much, so I couldn’t help a lot, but she wouldn’t lose her apartment, at least. With my class load, I couldn’t work as many hours as I would need to really help her out. Hopefully the amount I was sending her was helping to lessen her burden.
Dylan, my roommate, came in, kicking the door closed behind him. “What’s up?” he asked, not really looking at me. Instead, he flung himself onto his bed and immediately pulled his phone out, texting.
I ignored him, figuring there wasn’t a reason to answer. We got along well enough, not that we spent much time together. When he wasn’t in class, he always seemed to have something else to do.
I went back to my phone, checking my email. Really, I was staring at the phone, lost in thought. I was worrying about my mom again. When I had talked to her the day before, she’d sounded drunk. Ry was concerned she was returning to her old ways, but I wasn’t convinced. Alcohol wasn’t her drug of choice. She could drink all she wanted as long as she stayed away from heroin. Ry said she’d drink and then when that wasn’t enough, she’d go back to heroin. I didn’t agree, though I was worried about her mental state. She seemed sad all the time and she complained frequently of being lonely. Part of me wanted to move back home. I worried that me being gone was causing problems.
“Hey, would you be interested in going to a party tonight?” Dylan asked. I looked up at him, startled. He never invited me to do anything, so it was surprising.
“A party?”
“Yeah, a party.”
“Sure.” I had nothing better to do and I didn’t feel like spending Friday night hanging out in my dorm alone.
“It’s at ten,” he said. He got up off his bed and slipped his phone into his pocket. “I’ll be back later. I’ll drive since I know where we’re going.” I nodded and he left.
I WAS AT the party, holding a red plastic cup full of beer and eying the mayhem around me. Dylan had made the rounds as soon we got here, distributing little baggies and taking cash for them. I sipped my beer and watched him. He knew everyone and was called by different people throughout the night for another small baggie. I couldn’t see how much money he had made, but I figured it was a decent amount. I had never done hard drugs, but I had some friends who had in high school.
As Dylan made his way around the room, his eyes kept coming back to me, almost like he was gauging my reaction. I gave him nothing. I kept my face blank and my expression passive as I met his eyes. I didn’t want him to think what he was doing bothered me because it didn’t. After a while, he nodded his head at me and stopped watching me. I figured I had passed some test I hadn’t known I was taking.
I was standing against a wall, watching people drink and act like idiots, when a girl came up beside me. She had blond hair that hung around her face and pretty brown eyes. She smiled and handed me a shot glass. “What’s up, handsome?”
I sniffed the shot she gave me and couldn’t tell what type of alcohol it was, so I downed it. She smiled widely at me. “Not much. Enjoying the party?”
“I would be enjoying it more if you and I could have some fun together,” she said, sliding her hand down the front of my shirt to my belt buckle. I suddenly felt like I needed to wash myself off and burn my clothes. Something about her seemed dirty and I didn’t want her near me.
I removed her hand and backed up a few steps. “No, thanks.”
She slid up closer to me until I could smell the alcohol on her breath and really take in how glassy her eyes were. She had definitely been sampling some of Dylan’s baggies. “What’s wrong, sweetheart? Need a little convincing?”
“No amount of convincing will work. Move along.”
“Something wrong with you?”
“I have a girlfriend.” I pushed off the wall and started to walk away, but she grabbed my arm. Her nails dug in and I looked down at where she was holding me.
“I said I wanted to have some fun with you.”
“And I said no. Get the fuck off me.” Before things could escalate more, Dylan came over to wrap an arm around her shoulder and pry her nails out of my arm. As soon as I was free from her, I backed up several steps, but watched Dylan with her.
“Missy, it’s okay. Why don’t you go sit down?” He guided her away and shot me a look. I had no idea what the look was supposed to mean. He took her over to sit on the couch and gave her a cup of beer. She drank it and seemed to relax. She smiled at him and he patted her head. They spoke for a few more minutes before Dylan came back over to me.
“Sorry about that, man. Sometimes she’s a bit much.”
“Yeah. Seems she has a bit of a comprehension problem.”
He rubbed his chin. “Sometimes she becomes a bitch when she’s high.”
“That’s an understatement.”
He nodded and looked out over the party, seeming to survey the room at large. He brought his eyes back to me. “Are we going to have a problem?”
I was pissed after what happened with Missy and now he seemed to be talking in riddles. I thought I had made it clear I wasn’t going to cause a problem with her. If I was going to cause a problem, I would have punched her in the face. Instead, I thought I had handled it pretty fucking well. “I’m not going to cause a problem. She’s obviously high and out of her mind.”
“Not with Missy. With the things you saw tonight.”
Realization dawned on me. He was talking about the fact that I had watched him sell drugs tonight. “No, man. We’re cool.” He nodded and studied me. “If you were worried about me causing problems, why’d you invite me along?”
A slow smile spread over his lips and I couldn’t help but take a few steps back. Something about that smile seemed off. Almost like he was crazy. “Because I knew you wouldn’t cause a problem, I just wanted to make sure. I see a future with us.”
“I’m not interested in selling drugs, man.”
“Not selling. Distributing. I set up the deal, the amount, and you distribute and get the money. Then we split it.”
“That still sounds like dealing to me.”
“Just think about it.”
With that, he walked away and I was left wondering what the hell he was talking about. Why would I want to help him run his drug business? I had a job and I didn’t want to get tangled up in that. What if I ended up in jail? I shook my head to clear the thoughts away and went into the kitchen to grab another beer.
Dylan was crazier than I realized.
TO TAKE ADVANTAGE of one of the last warm days before fall set in, Cassandra and I took Ben to the park. The weather had already taken a turn toward the cold. It was now October, just a few short weeks before my birthday, and life was going on.
I was still working part-time at the gas station and going to class, though I had missed a few. I had been going to more parties with Dylan when Cassandra was working. I kept it quiet, not wanting to upset her. I wasn’t going to hook up with anyone; I had her and no one else could compare to her. I was going to hang out and relax. After partying a bit too hard which gave me a killer hangover, I ended up skipping out on a few classes to sleep it off.
I still spent every available moment I could with Cassandra. It was harder, though, with her working so much and me in class and working. There were a few times, like right now, when I ditched class to spend time with her as well. My focus seemed to be slipping away from school and was planted firmly on Cassandra.
She was all I needed.
My mom seemed to be doing better. When I talked to her, she wasn’t drunk anymore. She seemed totally okay. I figured she had been having trouble with me going back to school and her being alone again. Even Ry breathed a sigh of relief the last time she was up to visit my mom. Apparently, there wasn’t even any alcohol in the house. Whatever her issues were, she seemed to have moved past them.
I was pushing Ben in the swing while Cassandra told me about some drama that had happened at work the day before. Apparently, a few of the waitresses had gotten in a fight and punches were thrown. They were both fired on the spot and that left everyone else to cover their shifts. The next couple weeks were going to be super busy for her as she worked more, but she seemed okay with it. She didn’t want to spend the time away from Ben, but she also could use the money.
“I’m worried about leaving Ben with Maria that much. I don’t want to burn her out. Seven days a week is a lot more than we agreed upon.”
“I’ll help out.”
She looked at me, surprised. “I sometimes work until eleven or so.”
I shrugged. “No big deal. Let me help out. Let me know your schedule and I’ll work around it. I only have class and work to worry about.”
She pulled me into her and kissed me, weaving her hands in my hair. When she pulled away, there was only a breath separating our faces. “You are amazing, Jax.”