by Kristy Love
I sipped on my margarita, observing as Jax and Dylan talked about random stuff while they drank their beers. Cara finished her buttery nipple and tugged on my arm. “Let’s go dance,” she said, pulling me toward the dance floor. I caught Jax’s eye, wondering if it would be a good idea to go with Cara. Something about her made me uncomfortable, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
“Go on. I’ll watch from here,” he said, tilting his beer toward the dance floor and grinning at me.
I followed Cara to the dance floor. She pulled me in front of her, immediately getting into the beat of the song, swinging her hips, her own hands running down her sides. Her incredibly short skirt rode up even higher and I swore I caught a glimpse of her lack of underwear. I turned around, completely uncomfortable.
I felt a little fuzzy from the margarita, but I wasn’t sure if I was tipsy enough to be able to dance without feeling self-conscious. The throng of people moved around me, occasionally bumping into me until I was swallowed up by the crowd. Eventually, I started rocking to the infectious beat, moving my hips.
I let loose, feeling the music around me and dancing. Cara grabbed me and turned me toward her. Then she started grinding her ass into me. I was so taken aback by her that I didn’t notice that a man was approaching us until he grabbed us and started dancing with both of us. The way his big hand felt around my waist was all wrong, although Cara seemed to love it. She immediately pressed close to him and writhed all over him. I was surprised since she came with Dylan, but I didn’t care. I just wanted away from him.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jax stalking toward me, his long strides confident. When he approached me, he pulled me away from the guy and gave him a glare that would have scared me. I had never seen Jax look so scary and intimidating before. It was equal parts scary and sexy. I loved that he was that possessive and protective of me. He pulled me close and I wound my arms around his neck.
“You look unbelievably sexy tonight,” he whispered.
I smiled up at him. “You always look unbelievably sexy.” He kissed me and I tasted the alcohol on his lips.
We danced as though our bodies were one, always touching, bodies flush together. Before long, we were dancing and making out in the middle of the dance floor. His hand moved under my shirt and his hand rested under the cup of my bra, causing me to arch my back. I wished his hand was a little higher. I ran my hands under his shirt, feeling the warmth of his skin. I was completely consumed by my desire for him, not even caring that we were in the middle of the dance floor.
After an eternity—or only seconds, it was impossible to know—he pulled away, his eyes glazed with desire. “I think we should take a break. Maybe we should get another drink.”
I nodded and held his hand as he led me toward the bar. He ordered another shot and a beer for himself and a margarita for me. As soon as the shot was in front of him, he quickly downed it, chasing it with the beer. I probably should have been worried, but he seemed to be handling it okay. Who was I to judge? Just because I spent my twenty-first birthday at home with my two-year-old didn’t mean Jax couldn’t live it up on his birthday.
He quickly downed his beer and ordered another. I nursed my margarita, watching him closely. His eyes were glassy and he had a sloppy grin on his face. He leaned against the bar and his eyes made lazy trails up and down my body. I smirked.
“Enjoying the view?” I asked.
“Definitely. You never wear clothes like that.”
“Oh, this?” I twirled in a slow circle, letting him look all he wanted. I was wearing a tight blue shirt that hugged me in all the right places and a black skirt that stopped at my upper thighs. I knew he liked the outfit by the way he kept touching me and the way his eyes devoured me. “I’ve had this in my closet for years.”
He grabbed my hips and pulled me closer, leaning down and nibbling on my neck. Chills ran through my body and I tilted my head, giving him better access. “I wish we were somewhere I could enjoy you better.”
I hummed in approval as his lips, tongue, and teeth worked my neck over. He groaned and I felt the vibrations through my chest. I brought his lips back to mine and kissed him, hard. He clung to me like he needed me for balance.
“Let’s get out of here,” he said. I nodded. Jax went out to the front of the club where it was quiet and called a cab. When he was off the phone, he came back over. “It’ll be about fifteen minutes, they said.” He motioned over my shoulder and Dylan and Cara materialized. “Let’s leave.”
“It’s still early. Let’s drink some more,” Dylan said, pulling Cara close to his side. As soon as she was pressed against his side, she started writhing and I fought the urge to roll my eyes. She was really one skanky bitch.
“Nah, I’m calling it a night, man. I’ll see you later.”
“We’ll stay.”
Jax and Dylan said their goodbyes and then we were on our way home.
“Do you want to stay over tonight?” I asked Jax, nervous. He hadn’t stayed over before. There were nights when he had fallen asleep on the couch while watching Ben, but he usually woke up and went back to his dorm. Tonight, though, I wanted to sleep with him wrapped around me and I wanted to wake up with him next to me.
“If you’re sure.”
“I’m sure.”
He smiled.
AS SOON AS Maria left the apartment, Jax grabbed the back of my head and pulled me into him, devouring me. I ran my hands down his chest, loving the feel of his skin under my hands. Jax grabbed my shirt and looked at me as though he was asking permission to proceed. I nodded and he lifted it off and tossed it on the couch next to him. He sucked in a breath as his eyes drank me in. We had sex as frequently as we could get away with it. I couldn’t get enough of him. Every time, though, every single time, his eyes devoured me like I was the sexiest thing he had ever seen. And every time he looked at me, I wanted to jump him.
So I did. I pressed close to him and kissed him deeply while undoing his buckle and his jeans. I pushed them lower on his hips and grabbed him through his boxer briefs. He groaned and pushed into my hand. “Cassandra, if you don’t calm down, I won’t be able to stop myself.”
“I don’t want you to stop,” I said between kisses over his chest. “I don’t ever want you to stop.”
To prove that I meant what I said, I dropped to my knees in front of him. This was another first in our relationship. I looked up at him with hooded lids and saw the way his eyes ate me alive. I pushed his boxer briefs down and took him in my hand, stroking lightly. Then I licked the tip of him and his hand fisted in my hair. I went to work with my mouth. His legs shook with restraint. I lost myself in the moment until he pulled me up, groaning deep in his throat. He picked me up and carried me down the hall. I ground myself against him, desperate to stop my burning ache. I needed him to make it stop. I pulled his face to mine and kissed him desperately. He stumbled and pressed me into the wall.
“I need you, Jax. I need you so badly.” He reached down and pulled my panties to the side, studying my face. He slipped a finger inside me and I bit back a scream. “Please, please, Jax,” I begged.
“Slow down, babe.” His finger moved inside me and he kissed my neck as he pinned me to the wall. It was amazing and felt so good. He teased me for a long time, bringing me close only to back off. Then, next to my bedroom door, up against a wall, Jax finally eased the burning ache. And I wanted this to be my forever. I wanted to feel this love and passion and lust with Jax for the rest of my life.
Jax was all I could see and feel and hear and taste.
It was fast and passionate, then he carried me into my room and lay me down on the bed. I smiled lazily up at him as he climbed into my bed. He pulled me close to him and sighed. I fell asleep quickly, wrapped up with Jax, and there was nowhere else I’d rather be.
“MOM, CALM DOWN. I’ll come over, okay?” I said into the phone. I grabbed my keys and walked out the door.
“Jax, I just need you to come over.”
&
nbsp; “I’m on my way. You need to give me like an hour, okay?”
“I don’t know if I can wait an hour, Jax.”
“I’m on my way. Just talk to me. About anything.” My mom had called me about five minutes before, freaking out. She was crying, screaming, and beyond hysterical. When I finally got her to calm down, she begged me to come over, saying she needed me and she was going to a dark place. I had no idea what that meant, but I was going to see her. I was supposed to see Cassandra this morning, but my mom had to be the priority right now. I needed to make sure she was okay.
As I drove to my mom’s, she cried softly into the phone and asked how much longer. She wouldn’t say anything about what was wrong, she just cried and begged me to hurry. Since she was quiet, I filled her in on my life. I told her how work was going and how things with Cassandra were going. I told her about Ben being interested in learning to use the toilet, but he didn’t quite get it. Instead of taking off his diaper, he wanted to sit on the potty with the diaper on. Cassandra figured it was a step in the right direction, so she let him. He was a little freaked out by sitting on it with no diaper still. I laughed every time he wanted to sit on the toilet with a diaper on, but I knew he’d figure it out eventually.
By the time I pulled into the parking lot at my mom’s place, she was hiccuping softly. I kept the phone to my ear and rushed to her apartment. When I walked inside, she was on the floor, phone still pressed to her face, tears flowing down her cheeks. I ran over to her and knelt on the floor. “Mom, are you okay?” I asked.
“Jax, Jax, I’m such a fuckup,” she wailed. I helped her up off the floor and to the couch.
“No you’re not. What’s going on?”
“I lost my job, Jax. I lost my job and I can’t find another one. If I don’t have the rent by tomorrow, I’m going to lose my house and then I’ll be out on the streets again.”
I pulled her to me as she sobbed into my chest. “We’ll figure something out, I promise.”
“I need over five hundred dollars in less than twenty-four hours. How are we going to get the money? You don’t make that much at the gas station.”
I didn’t make that much and I was barely making ends meet myself. I’d had to take a few days off to help Cassandra out with Ben and I was on thin ice at my own job. There was no way I could get that much by the next day.
As I sat on the couch, holding my mom, I ran through my options. I could ask Will or Ry for help, but I didn’t want to burden them. I didn’t want Ry to get bent out of shape over this. My mom just needed some time to get her feet back on the ground. She continued to blubber into my shirt as my mind ran through the different scenarios. I had no idea how to come up with the money to help her.
There was only one solution that I could think of: taking Dylan up on his offer. He hadn’t mentioned it since that party, but the offer seemed to hang in the air around us. I hadn’t considered it until this moment. If my mom ended up back on the streets, she’d likely end up turning tricks and using again. She’d been doing so well, that outcome was unimaginable.
So I made the decision, for better or worse, to text Dylan.
Jax: Is the offer still on the table?
Dylan: Yeah.
Jax: Is there any way I could make a lot of money by tomorrow?
Dylan: I could front you some of the cash if you needed. I have some deals for today you could run.
Jax: Line them up. I’ll be back in about an hour.
“Mom, I have a solution.”
She looked up at me, black streaks from her tears and mascara striping her face. “What?”
“It doesn’t matter, but I have to go, okay? I’ll be back when I have the money.”
“I knew you’d help me, Jax. You always have my back, baby.” She kissed me on the cheek and hugged me.
“I do, Mom. I’ll be back, okay?”
I left and got back in my truck to drive the hour back to my dorm. It would be a long day, but I needed to do something to save my mom.
DYLAN HANDED ME a couple baggies that I shoved in my pockets. “You know which drug is which?”
“It’s not fucking rocket science,” I said.
“If this goes well, I’ll have you help me out on a more frequent basis.”
“I don’t need it to be frequent, I just need to get enough money to make sure my mom isn’t evicted.”
“Sure, whatever you say, man. Here’s the addresses.” He handed me a piece of paper with three addresses written on it.
“Thanks. I appreciate it.”
Dylan nodded and I turned to go earn the money my mom needed to stay clean. I was delivering the very thing that I was attempting to keep her away from.
As I went through and delivered the drugs, I was surprised at how easy it was to delude myself that it wasn’t that big of a deal. I wasn’t really dealing drugs. I was just taking them to their destinations. I wasn’t really doing anything illegal. I was helping out a friend and my mom at the same time. And it sure was a hell of a lot easier than working a full shift at the gas station.
By the time I finished the last drop off, I had a couple new texts from Dylan. He had more deliveries set up for me, so I returned to the dorm and got more drugs and addresses.
At the end of the day Dylan handed me fifteen hundred dollars. My eyes widened. “I didn’t need this much.”
“I know you didn’t, man. Let me help you out since you helped me out in a bind. Consider it a thousand dollar bonus.”
“I can’t accept that.”
“You said your mom is going to be evicted, right? How will she have enough money for utilities? Food? Take the money and then you can help me out a few more times and we’ll call it even, yeah?”
I didn’t want to get involved in this. Distributing drugs was not something I could go around and tell people I was doing. God, what would Cassandra think? There was no way she would want someone in her life who had anything to do with drugs. But at the same time, could I really let my mom get evicted? I worried that would start her spiraling out of control.
I thanked him and then drove out to my mom’s to give her the money. When she got it, she burst into tears and thanked me profusely, telling me I was her life saver. I went with her to give it to her landlord and then we went out to get a cheap dinner. I was mostly relieved that my mom wouldn’t be stuck out on the streets using again.
IT HAD BEEN a week since my mom needed me to give her money to keep her apartment. She hadn’t found a job yet and she had about a week and a half left until her rent was due again. I was trying to put aside every bit of money I could to help her make rent, but it just wasn’t enough. If things didn’t change, I’d have to distribute for Dylan again and that wasn’t something I wanted to do. I had gone with him a few times to parties to help pay back the difference. It was ridiculously easy, but I was completely riddled with guilt. I couldn’t help Cassandra out with Ben because I had to go to these parties with Dylan. So after the shit was distributed, I got wasted. Guilt was eating me alive. I hated lying to Cassandra, Ry, Will, fuck, even my mom. I was lying to everyone, I was helping to deal drugs, and I felt like complete shit. So I dealt with it by drinking way too much. Then I felt completely guilty that I had gotten drunk. But drinking took the worries away.
Today was Thanksgiving and we were going over to Ry and Will’s to have dinner. My mom was coming too, so we’d all be together. The couple of times we had gotten together, my family had embraced Cassandra wholeheartedly and she had been forming a friendship with Ry. The two of them talked and texted and got along really well. I was glad. Cassandra deserved to have people in her life who loved her and supported her. I was happy I could have a part in making that a reality for her.
I had just knocked on Cassandra’s door to pick her and Ben up to go to Ry’s. The door slowly opened and Cassandra was on the other side. I knew by the sad look in her eyes that she was upset, though I had no idea why. She hadn’t said anything. I pulled her into my arms immediately, wanting to m
ake her feel better. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m just a little sad. I’ll be fine.” She forced a smile. She pulled away and went over to the couch and sat down. I followed her and sat next to her. It was only then that I noticed the picture in her hand. It was a picture of a younger Cassie with her arm wrapped around a girl who looked a lot like her. She had lighter hair and greener eyes, but other than that, she could have been Cassie’s twin.
“Who’s that?”
“My sister.”
This was the first time she had opened up a little about her past and it hit me that I really didn’t know much about Cassandra beyond that she had a son and worked in a diner. I didn’t know her life up to that point. I hadn’t even known she had a sister. “Oh.” I was at a loss for words.
“It’s just tough. It’s Thanksgiving and I can’t spend it with her. I miss her.”
“Did something happen to her?”
“No, I don’t think so. I haven’t seen her in years, though.”
“What happened?”
She sighed and looked at me. Her eyes were so full of grief that I wanted to fix it. I hated seeing her so upset. I would do anything to keep her from feeling any pain. “I can’t talk about it right now.”
“I’m here when you’re ready.”
She nodded. She quietly went and picked up the diaper bag. “Let’s go.”
On the drive to my sister’s, she was quiet. Anything I said to her was met with short answers and forced smiles.
My mom was here and so was Will’s Aunt Liv. She’d been important in not only Will’s life, but in mine and Ry’s as well. After Will’s parents died in a car accident, Liv took Will in. She was also our neighbor and had taken care of us a lot while my dad was traveling or working or just plain avoiding us. In a lot of ways, she was another member of our family, though I didn’t see her much anymore. She was still close to Ry and Will, though.