by Kristy Love
“Oh, my God, Cassandra. I’m so sorry.”
The cotton towel I used to wrap my wound was rapidly changing color. “Get out, Jax,” I said calmly as I watched my blood seep into my makeshift bandage.
“I’m sorry. Let me help you.”
I looked up at him. “Get the fuck out of my house! Now! I’m done, Jax! I can’t do this anymore! Leave and don’t fucking come back!”
Shock registered on his face as he realized how serious I was. Alcohol was his true love, not me. He proved this by grabbing the rest of the beer from the counter where I’d dropped it. He turned and left.
The adrenaline left my body and the pain from my wound had my hand throbbing. I unwound the stained towel, then broke down and sobbed, my bloody limb dangling over the edge of the sink. Everything hurt and I realized that Jax was gone. It was really over. No more lying to myself. No more lies from Jax.
Nothing would fix the giant hole that had been ripped open in my heart, but the lies were finally done.
LUNCH WITH JAX had gone better than I imagined it would. Somehow, being around him wasn’t a constant reminder of the pain I felt for all those years. It was a reminder of what we used to have before he became a slave to alcohol.
And I liked him this way.
I wasn’t ready to jump into any type of relationship with him. In fact, what we had couldn’t be considered a relationship. We were just two old friends catching up.
“Hey, Mom!” Ben said as he ran into the kitchen with ice cream all around his mouth.
“Hey, baby,” I said, pulling him into a hug. My hands were wet from the dishes I’d just washed and he squirmed away. Roxie had kept her promise of ice cream every day. She’d found a job two weeks ago and she still insisted on picking Ben up from his after school program. It gave me about twenty minutes at home by myself.
“I had chocolate chip brownie ice cream today.”
“I can tell,” The sharp prick of nostalgia had my hand shaking as I handed him a napkin. It seemed a lifetime ago Jax first insisted I try that flavor. “It’s all over your face.”
He looked bashful for a minute as he wiped his face off. “We ran into a friend of yours at the ice cream shop.”
“Yeah? Which friend?” I turned back to the sink and continued to wash dishes. Roxie had made dinner last night and, of course, left the dirty dishes in the sink. I didn’t get a chance to wash them last night, so I took my free time to wash them this afternoon.
“Jax.”
My hands stilled in the sink and I whipped my head to look at him. “Your Aunt Roxie met Jax?”
“Yep,” he said. He sat down at the kitchen table, pulling books from his backpack. I felt strangely disappointed. I wanted to be there when Roxie met Jax. I’d hoped it’d be epic.
“How’d that go?”
“It was good. We all ate ice cream together.”
“That sounds like a fun time. Was Jax by himself?” Stop prying, Cassie. I didn’t really want to know if Jax was alone. Oh, God, what if he was on a date? I wasn’t sure I could handle that.
“No. He had a girl with him. His sister.”
“Oh, Ry? She’s a nice girl.” I couldn’t stop the relief I felt that Jax wasn’t with another girl. What was wrong with me?
“She was really nice. She and Jax fought over who was going to pay for our ice cream. Aunt Roxie said you never turn down free stuff, so she just watched them.”
I chuckled. “That sounds like Roxie.”
“Yeah. It was funny. Jax won, though. He handed the cashier money and Ry looked like she was going to throw a temper tantrum.”
It seemed nothing had changed between Ry and Jax over the years. “Sounds like you had a good time.”
“Yeah. Aunt Roxie and Jax are funny together.”
The pain that sliced through me at the mention of Jax being with anyone caused me to pause. There was no way that Roxie would give Jax the time of day in that regard, though. She’d be respectful of my feelings, even if I vehemently denied them. But what about someone else? Some other girl would surely try and date Jax, and she wouldn’t give a shit about how I felt about him. “I bet. I wanted to see them meet for the first time. I thought they’d be hilarious together.”
“They are.”
Silence descended as I continued washing dishes and Ben worked on his homework. I wondered where Roxie was. Normally she came in right after Ben and gave me a long and boring recap of her day. “Where’s your Aunt Roxie?”
“Ummm . . . I don’t know.”
I pulled the drain plug and dried my hands. “I’m going to go see where she is, okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Let me know if you need any help.” Ben nodded and I left the kitchen. She wasn’t in her room, but I heard her laughter outside. I went out and saw her sitting on the front porch, laughing at something on her phone. “I was wondering where you were.”
“Oh, sorry. I wanted to enjoy the view,” she said, not looking up from her phone as she typed furiously.
“The view?” I looked out over the yard. The only view was of the houses across the street and some trees. The sun was dipping lower in the sky, but it wasn’t anywhere near sunset yet. It was beautiful outside, a late summer day where the heat and humidity weren’t oppressive and the feel off fall was just around the corner.
“Yeah,” she said, trying to contain her laughter.
“Who are you texting?”
“Jax.” She was completely nonchalant, as though her words hadn’t just hit me in the gut.
“Jax?” I asked, and something about my voice made her look away from the phone.
“Oh, no, Cass. Not like that. He’s just a funny dude, you know?”
“Yeah,” I said, sinking onto a chair.
“He told me you’ve been having lunch with him every Monday for the past three weeks. Is there a reason you left that detail out, dear sister?” Roxie raised her eyebrows in question.
“It wasn’t a big deal.”
“It’s totally a big deal. You went from hating him and not wanting anything to do with him to having lunch with him every Monday. That’s a pretty big change.”
“I never hated him.”
“I know you never hated him, but you claimed you did.”
My finger found the slight scar that ran across the heel of my hand, tracing it. When Jax cut me with the knife, it wasn’t very deep, but it was deep enough to require stitches and leave a scar. It had faded with time, but it was there. For some reason, I found myself tracing it sometimes, as though to remind me of Jax. But the reminder wasn’t of the painful day I got the scar, it was of the day we went horseback riding or all the times he played with Ben and then started a tickle war with him, or the nights we’d cuddle up on the couch and watch some stupid TV show that I couldn’t remember. “I missed him.”
“I know you did,” she said, her voice soft.
“I don’t know how to go from here, Rox. It still hurts, but being around him makes the hurt stop.”
“Give him a chance. You don’t need to jump right back into a relationship, but try being friends first. Get to know each other as you are now.”
“I’m scared,” I whispered.
“Cassie, I know you’re scared. Shit, I’m scared for you, but you can’t let that stop you. Stop saying you’re scared all the time and do something. Either let him go or bring him deeper into your life. Being scared won’t do anything other than paralyze you.”
“I know you’re right.” I continued tracing along the scar on my palm, my eyes focused on something in the distance. Roxie reached over and grabbed my hand, and I turned to her.
“He’s not the same person who gave you that scar, Cassie. Yeah, he’s Jax, but the Jax who gave you that scar was seriously fucked up. The Jax you’d know now? He’s different. He’s not the person who’s locked in addiction.”
“You think?”
“I know. I just spent the last hour hanging out with him, and all the things you’ve told me ab
out him? Every single thing you mentioned was true, except the drinking part. He’s clean, sis. Stop punishing him for shit he did five years ago. Forgive him and move on.”
I nodded. As always, Roxie had some damned good advice. Was I brave enough to take it?
I WAS AT a new diner Jax had suggested we meet at for dinner. He couldn’t make it on Monday, so we pushed our meeting to Thursday, but his lunch was busy. It was surprising how much I missed him this week. I’d hear a joke or something funny would happen at the office, and my first reaction would be that I wanted to tell Jax. At first, I pushed the thoughts aside, but then I texted him. We’d been texting pretty regularly all week; it helped ease the ache of missing him, but nowhere near as much as seeing him.
He walked into the diner and stopped to talk to a waitress. They talked and laughed as I watched from the table. His hair was the same, brown and disheveled in a way that made me want to run my hands through it. His blue-green eyes shone with amusement. And his lips, I still wanted to kiss them. Sometimes I had to stop myself from leaning forward and doing just that. He ran his hand through his hair and turned, his eyes falling on me. He smiled at me and it felt as though he’d reached out and touched me. I smiled back. He strode confidently to our table and sat down.
“It seems you’re always beating me to dinner, huh?” he said, smiling.
“Yeah. This place was close to the office.”
“It also has the best burgers in town.”
“I think you just made my mind up for me,” I said. I closed my menu and the waitress came over. We both got burgers and iced tea. “I heard you met my sister.”
“Yeah, I did.” A huge grin curled his lips up. “She’s a fucking riot.”
I laughed. “She’s definitely unique.”
“Unique is a word for it. She’s a pretty kick-ass lady.”
“I love her.”
His eyes softened. “I can tell.” I hadn’t meant to change the feel of our dinner, but suddenly it felt intimate. It was too soon for intimacy with Jax. We needed to start with baby steps, but if he looked at me this way, I wouldn’t be able to resist him. He blinked a couple times, almost as though he was wiping the slate clean and retreating. “Anyway, how is work going?”
“It’s going well, but it’s busy. I’m always training; it seems there’s constantly something going on or some kind of issue I have to deal with.”
He laughed. “What job isn’t like that?”
“I guess, since I wasn’t the office manager before, I didn’t have all this stuff to worry about, you know?”
“Totally get it.”
Our food came and Jax put ketchup on his burger before reaching over, taking the top bun off my burger, and putting ketchup on mine. He replaced the bun and smiled at me. My gut twisted. He used to do that all the time. He pulled his arm away and the smile fell off his face. “I’m sorry. That was forward of me.”
“It’s okay.” I picked up my burger and took a bite. “You always put the right amount of ketchup on.” He smiled and our eyes lingered on each other, not wanting to break the connection between us. My heart twisted. I missed the way we used to be. He’d wipe ketchup off my chin and then lick it off his thumb, which I found both gross and endearing. He’d smile and kiss me. Those little moments, the ones that are easily forgotten and seemingly not special, they were the ones that I’d ache for at night when I was alone. Those were the ones that warmed my heart and shredded it at the same time.
Then I’d remember him passed out drunk, my baby boy sobbing on the floor, the knife slicing across my palm. I’d remember why I could never go back there, why we could never be together again.
And fuck it all if that didn’t hurt like a knife twisting in my heart. “How’s work for you? Is everyone coping with the loss of Tyler?” I tried to keep the emotion out of my voice, though a lump was growing painfully in my throat. I hoped he missed the wavering of my voice.
“Yeah, it seems they’re doing okay.” He took a sip of his iced tea. “Do you have any big plans this weekend?”
“We’re taking Ben to play paintball.”
“He’ll love that.”
“He’s excited. I’m nervous that he’ll get hurt.”
“Are you going to that new place?”
“What place?”
“I forget the name, but it’s more kid-friendly. They have the paintballs that are lower impact so the kids don’t get hurt. They also have games and stuff. One of the counselors took a group there and he said it was a lot better for younger kids.”
“I’ll have to look into that, thank you.”
Jax pulled his phone out and typed. “Ah, here it is. It’s called Doodle Splat. Here, I’ll text you the address.” He typed for a few minutes on his phone and then mine buzzed. He looked up and smiled.
“Thank you, Jax.” It meant more to me than just a texted address. It showed he still cared about Ben, and there was no quicker way to my heart. I seemed to be a constant mess of contradictions. Wanting him one second, wanting to run away another. Most of the time, though, I wanted him to take me in his arms and kiss me like there was no tomorrow. He seemed too cautious for that. Could I be reading him wrong? Could he not want anything with me? No, I hadn’t missed the way he looked at me when I touched his hand that time. He looked at peace and gutted at the same time.
We were each a mess, but together we were such a fucked up mess. I couldn’t figure out if it was beautiful or a disaster.
“No problem.” He smiled. “You’ll have to tell me how it goes next week. He’ll have a blast.”
“He totally will.”
We continued eating and chatting. It was amazing how easy it was to be around him. After our food was eaten and the bill was paid, we walked outside. I lingered, not quite ready to say goodbye.
“Monday?” he asked. He took a strand of my hair, twisting it between his fingers.
“Yeah,” I answered. He tucked the hair behind my ear and pulled me into him for a hug. He exhaled deeply. I turned my face toward him. His eyes were already on me and he studied my face, like he was looking for something. “Monday.”
“I’ll walk you to your car,” he said. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, rubbing his thumb up and down my shoulder. Tingles raced over my skin and chills ran down my spine. A fire erupted inside me and I wanted him.
I wanted him more than anything before.
When we got to my car, I turned toward him and grabbed his shirt, looking up at him with hooded eyes. Desire coursed through my veins. I wanted his lips on me and his hands everywhere. Jax’s eyes widened and he reached up, cupping my cheek.
“Cassie,” he whispered, his eyes flicking between my own. His eyes dropped to my lips and his own parted, like he needed to kiss me or he’d die.
God, that feeling was beginning to take me over, too. If he didn’t kiss me, I’d explode in a puddle on the ground right here.
I pulled on his shirt, pressing him against me. I slipped my arms around his neck, toying with the hair at the nape of his neck. I pushed up on my toes and kissed his chin. I wanted him to know I was ready for him.
His hand slipped from my cheek and tangled in my hair. His chest heaved with every breath like he was fighting for control. I wanted him to lose it. Please, please, Jax. He leaned down and barely brushed his lips against mine. Just the small contact between our lips caused me to moan.
He felt so fucking good.
He pulled away a little bit, gazing into my eyes, judging if I was okay.
I was done playing nice.
I pulled his head down, crashing our lips together. My tongue traced along his lip and he immediately parted them, letting me in. Our tongues and lips danced against each other in the most amazing and arousing way. My knees shook and I tightened my arms around him, attempting to stay upright. He moved his hands along my torso to my waist, pressing our hips together causing me to gasp. He was hard for me and I wasn’t ashamed to admit that I wanted him, all of him, in that moment. I
f he asked me to go into the backseat of my car, I’d be there in a second.
Jax’s fingers stroked across the waistband of my jeans, causing the fire to spread. I’d die if he didn’t touch me soon.
“Jax,” I gasped. He kissed his way down to my neck, sucking and nibbling. The feelings that were erupting inside me were too much. Too intense. I held his face to my neck, but he lowered, kissing the exposed part of my chest. With one finger he pulled the neckline of my shirt down and kissed the top of my breast.
Again, I moaned. I moaned and held him so close I was afraid he’d suffocate on my flesh.
It was a good thing it was getting darker and I was parked a decent way from the front of the restaurant. Still, when I opened my eyes, I realized people were passing by on their way inside, staring at us.
“Jax,” I breathed. I reached behind me, grasping for the door handle to my backseat. When it opened, I pulled his face away from my chest. His lips were red from thoroughly kissing me. His chest was heaving and his eyes were glazed. I smiled and tugged on his hand. I climbed inside my car, lying back on the seat. He crawled on top of me and shut the door behind him. Without pause, he helped me out of my light jacket and tossed it in the front. He pulled my shirt over my head and went back to attacking my breasts. I wrapped my arms around him and ran them over his back. He had never been skin and bones, but now he had more definition. He wasn’t too bulky, there was just enough there that my arousal kicked up another five notches.
I pulled on his shirt, whipping it over his head. He smirked at me, taking my bra off.
“Cassie,” he said, his voice reverent and so full of want that it almost hurt to hear it. “Fuck. I never thought I’d be able to touch you, kiss you again. Now that I started, I’m not sure I can ever stop.”
“Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop.”
He leaned down and pulled a nipple into his mouth. I cried out. His hand slid down my abdomen, my muscles twitching as he moved over them. He popped the button of my jeans and slid down the zipper before slipping his hand inside. He traced his finger over my panties. He groaned.