Dang. I wished she hadn’t said that.
Still, this idea was too good to resist.
I turned back to Stella. “Uh … because you did so good, me and my friends … well, we got you a present.”
Stella barked out a laugh. “Ha! Right. And you’re still … shrinking.”
Now I really liked my idea.
Darci looked at me and I knew I’d better say something quick before she ruined everything. She’d been with me the whole time and knew we hadn’t gotten Stella anything.
I reached into my pocket. “Here,” I said, pulling out the Antlix lollipop. “These are really good. They come from … from Australia. It’s peppermint.”
Stella eyed the Antlix. Slowly, she reached across the table and took the lollipop. “What’s it got in it? Pepper?”
“That’s dried peppermint flakes.”
“Peppermint isn’t black.”
“Australian peppermint is. Try it. You’ll see.”
Stella peeled off the wrapping, smelled the lollipop, then licked it. “Doesn’t taste at all like peppermint. In fact, it’s just sweet … like sugar, with no taste.”
She licked it again.
I bit my lip, hard. The laugh of a lifetime was about to explode out of me. I could hardly hold it in.
Mom gave me a look that said, Calvin, what are you up to?
Stella studied the lollipop again. “You’re lying, as usual. Tell me what those black specks are or I don’t want this thing.”
I hesitated.
Stretched out the moment.
“Ants.”
“What?” Stella held the lollipop closer. Then she grabbed the wrapper and read the label. She shrieked and threw the Antlix at me. I ducked and it hit the wall behind me.
I laughed so hard I fell off my chair.
Stella stood and looked across the table at me. “You’re a sick little boy! You need help! You should be in a hospital!”
She stomped down the hall to her room and slammed the door.
Now I was rolling on the floor.
Mom reached over and picked up the label. “Where did you get this, Calvin?”
I was laughing too hard to answer.
Mom looked at Ledward, who sat with a half grin on his face. Like a smart person, he kept his mouth shut.
I tried to pull myself together. “It’s a joke, Mom. I got it from a kid at school.”
“A joke.”
“Yeah … just a joke.”
Mom didn’t say a word for at least a minute.
I picked up my chair and sat back at the table, wiping my eyes.
“Calvin,” Mom said. She leaned forward, her elbows on the table. “I want to tell you a little story.”
“Okay.”
“The reason Stella lives with us is that she and her mom don’t get along. Her mom was my best friend in high school before she got married and moved to Texas. You know this, right?”
“Yeah. I think so.”
“Well, one day Twyla got angry at Stella. Very angry, and she said something she regrets to this day.”
I perked up. “What did she say?”
“She told Stella she was too stupid to ever do anything right.”
I held my breath. Stella’s mom said that? Really?
“Of course her mother didn’t mean it. But it came out and that was that. The damage was done. Stella stopped speaking to her.”
Ledward shook his head.
Darci was silent.
“Let me ask you this,” Mom went on, looking into my eyes. “Do you think that being successful at getting a driver’s license might mean something to Stella?”
My stomach felt sick.
The next day at school I didn’t feel much better. Why was I always doing dumb stuff? Was there something wrong with me?
Probably I would have felt bad all day long if Benny hadn’t shown up doing dumber things than me.
“Bug man is a very, very, very strange dude,” Julio said just before school started.
“What’s he doing now?”
“Having a one-word day.”
“A what?”
Later, at recess, we were sitting on the grass in the shade of a monkeypod tree—Julio, Willy, Rubin, Benny Obi, and me. Benny had attached himself to us whether we wanted him to or not.
Julio leaned close and whispered, “Watch this.”
He let a few seconds pass: nice day, nothing going on.
Then: “Hey, Benny, that was funny what you did yesterday. I mean, eating bugs and all.”
“What?”
“Where did you get them, anyway?”
“What?”
“Did they taste good?”
“What?”
Rubin and Willy burst out laughing.
I looked at Benny.
Benny grinned.
“See?” Julio said. “A one-word day.”
I grinned back. Where did he come up with this stuff?
Julio lay back on the grass and covered his face with his hands. “He’s going to drive me crazy.”
“Hey, stupits,” somebody said.
Julio sat back up.
Tito, Bozo, and Frankie Diamond stood over us.
I reached into my pocket and was relieved to discover that I was broke. Tito had a habit of borrowing your money. Permanently.
Tito crouched by Benny, one knee cocked forward. “Hey, Kung Fu, I heard you eat bugs.”
“What?”
Tito squinted. “I heard you eat bugs, I said. Is that right? You eat bugs?”
“What?”
Tito stood.
Oh, man. Benny had no idea who he was messing with.
“Benny,” I whispered. “Not now.”
Benny looked at me. Luckily he didn’t say what.
Bozo and Frankie Diamond gave us looks that said trouble was coming. Soon.
Tito squatted back down, his face inches from Benny’s. “You disrespecting me, punk? That what you doing?”
Benny hesitated. “What?”
I cringed.
Tito stared at Benny. “Get up,” he whispered.
Benny thought about it and, lucky for all of us, got up.
Tito was taller. He looked down on Benny. “I don’t like you.”
Tito shoved Benny, not hard, but enough to make Benny stagger. “We go, punk. Shake it up. You and me. Right now.”
“What?”
Ho!
I scrambled up with Julio, Willy, and Rubin. We backed away.
Tito swung, but Benny ducked and Tito missed.
Tito’s face turned red. He started to move toward Benny.
Benny took a stance, anchoring his feet. “I know kung fu,” he said, ending his one-word day. “I can’t fight you. I could hurt you.”
Whoa!
Tito blinked, then snorted. “I got something better. It’s called kung-you-dead fu.”
Tito moved in, shoving Benny.
Benny staggered back, planted his foot, and charged, his arms wheeling like a loose propeller … hitting nothing.
Tito laughed and slapped Benny’s arms away.
Benny Obi didn’t know how to fight. He didn’t know boxing, wrestling, or regular old street-shoving, and he sure didn’t know a lick of kung fu.
Zero.
Tito laughed, dancing away from every one of Benny’s useless windmill swings. “What a sissy. You don’t know kung fu, what you know is kung fu-fu. That’s what I going call you. From now on you going be Kung Fu-Fu.” Tito whooped. “Fu-Fu, Fu-Fu, Fu-Fu.”
“Stop!” someone shouted.
Tito turned.
Benny ran off, heading toward the library.
Maya came up and shoved Tito. She was even shorter than Benny Obi. “Why are you always picking on people smaller than you? Does it make you feel big?”
Aiy, Maya. What are you doing?
Tito raised his hands, grinning. “Ho, look. The girl more brave than Kung Fu-Fu.”
“Tito,” Frankie Diamond whispered. “Teacher coming
.”
I looked behind me. Mr. Tanaka, the school librarian, was heading toward us.
Tito, still grinning, backed away. He pointed at Maya as if to say, We can talk about this later. He turned and followed his idiot friends toward the tree they’d staked out as their own.
Mr. Tanaka walked up. “We have a problem here?”
We all shook our heads.
Maya scowled at us but said nothing.
Mr. Tanaka crossed his arms and looked over at Tito, Bozo, and Frankie Diamond. “Ohhh-kay,” he said, and strolled away.
“Ho, man,” I mumbled.
“What?” Julio said.
“I said, ho, man.”
“What?”
On Saturday morning, I woke up to the sound of someone talking outside my window. I rolled over to look out.
Stella?
I rubbed my eyes and popped up on my elbows. Stella had a booklet in her hand. Who was she talking to? I couldn’t see anyone else.
“Residential neighborhood, twenty-five. School zone, twenty. Driver on the left has the right of way. Never—”
“What are you doing?” I said through the screen. “Who you talking to?”
Stella turned to look at my window, then moved out into the street. Now all I could hear was mumbling.
I slipped off my bunk.
Streak was sleeping on the floor. “Rise and shine, you lazy dog. Go out and pee.”
She slapped her tail on the floor but made no move to get up.
“It’s your bladder,” I said, and went into the house. Mom, who sold jewelry at Macy’s in Honolulu, had already left for work. But Darci was finishing up a toasted bagel in the kitchen.
“What’s with Stella?” I asked. “She’s outside talking to herself.”
“She’s practicing.”
“For what?”
“Did you forget? She’s getting her driver’s license today. Clarence is taking her.”
Right! Driving test day.
Darci brushed the crumbs off her hands. “I’m going to Reena’s house.”
She left.
I gulped down a bowl of cereal and peeked in on Streak to see if she was ready to get up.
Nope. “You’re worse than Julio, you know that?”
Streak looked up at me and slapped her tail on the floor.
I nudged her with my foot. “Come on, Streak. I can’t just leave you inside.” I wanted to go outside to see what Stella was doing.
Streak stretched and followed me out of the garage.
No Stella. Where was—
“What the—”
Stella was sitting in my rowboat, which was pulled up into the swamp grass down by the water. She held the booklet loosely over the side and stared out at the slow-moving river.
I followed Streak down the sloping yard.
“You can sit in my boat,” I said. “No problem. I’ll let you.”
Stella turned and studied me. “What do you want?”
“What’s that booklet?”
“Driver’s manual. What’s it to you?”
“But you took that test a long time ago.”
“I’m taking another one.”
“The driving one.”
“See? You do have a brain. Sometimes.”
I let that go. I was still feeling bad about the Antlix, and what Stella’s mom had said to her. That was so … mean.
I squatted to pet Streak. “Uh … you want me to quiz you?”
When Stella didn’t answer, I stood. “Guess not.” I turned to head back up to the house.
“Here,” she said, waving the booklet in my direction. “Just pick stuff at random.”
Everything I asked her she got right, except for one thing.
“Here’s a weird one,” I said. “What’s a space cushion?”
Stella eyed me. “Is that really in there or are you making it up?”
“No, it’s in here. Look.” I started to show her.
She held up a hand. “Wait … it’s really in there?”
I tapped the page. “Right here.”
She frowned. “I can’t believe I don’t remember it. I’ve read that manual five times, cover to cover.” She closed her eyes, trying to remember. “Oh, just tell me,” she finally said. “My mind’s a blank.”
“All you have to do to remember is think of Tito.”
“Who?”
She didn’t remember Tito, who’d once called her Stel-la and said he liked older women. Never mind. “Okay, listen. Is there anyone you don’t like, like maybe someone at school?”
“What does that have to do with what we were talking about?”
“Well, is there?”
She thought. “Okay, there’s these three girls. I don’t know them, and I’m not sure I want to. They give me the creeps.”
“So what do you do when you see them?”
“Stay away from them. So, listen, if you don’t want to quiz me just give that booklet back.”
“There you go,” I said. “That’s how you remember what a space cushion is. Stay away. Keep your distance. Give yourself some space. This is what it says.”
I flipped to the page and read aloud. “ ‘When a driver makes a mistake, other drivers need time to react. The only way you can be sure you have enough time to react is by leaving plenty of space between your vehicle and the vehicles around you. That space becomes a ‘space cushion.’ ”
I looked up. “See?”
Stella grinned. “You remember that yourself, Stump … next time you give me a lollipop with ants in it.”
“Uh—”
Saved by the blast of a car horn.
“Clarence!” Stella scrambled out of the skiff.
We both ran up the yard toward the house.
Clarence was waiting in the car, his arm hanging out the open window. “You ready?”
“As I’ll ever be,” Stella said. “Let’s go.”
“Hey, your booklet.” I held it up.
“Keep it. Maybe when you’re fifty they’ll let you drive.”
“Hardy-har.”
Clarence flicked his eyebrows at me, Hey.
I lifted my chin.
Before Stella got in the car she glanced back at me. “Space cushion. I’ll never forget it. Thanks.”
“Yeah … and sorry about the ants.”
“That’s okay, Stump. It wasn’t that much of a surprise.”
“It wasn’t?”
“You expect stuff like that from a moron.”
Stella winked and got in the car.
A couple hours later, I was tossing around a football with Willy and Julio when Clarence’s big pink car came cruising down the street. Willy and Julio jumped to the side of the road. Stella was driving.
I stayed out in the street.
Stella pulled up next to me and stopped.
We crowded around the window.
“So?” I asked.
Stella flashed her brand-new driver’s license and a grin that said, Dang it, I did it!
I took the license. Her picture was pretty good. Better than Mom’s. “Someday I’ll get one of these, too. Is it hard to drive?”
“If I can do it, you can do it.… No, wait … that’s not right.… I forgot you’re a moron.”
Stella snatched back her license. “But you could probably get a bicycle license.”
She drove away with a toot of the horn. Before she got ten feet the radio came on.
Boooom. Boooom. Boooom.
Willy, Julio, and I danced to the beat, grinning like idiots.
We played football in the street until Mom came home. It was starting to get dark by then.
She waved when she drove by.
“Gotta go,” I said, and tossed Julio his football.
Julio caught it one-handed. “Me and Willy might watch Stella drive you to school on Monday.”
“Want a lift?”
Julio grinned. “Not in this life.”
When I got home, Clarence was squatting down by his car, pet
ting Streak.
“What are you doing?” I asked. “Where’s Stella?”
“Which one you like me to answer?”
I squatted next to him and scratched Streak’s chin. “She’s got fleas.”
“Who? Stella?”
I laughed. Funny!
“Hey,” I said. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Shoot.”
“So … uh, well … you got any, you know, like really weird kids in your class?”
Clarence was a senior at Kailua High School. He was bound to know at least one.
Clarence chuckled. “Couple, three. Why?”
I shrugged. “What does lead foot mean? My friend Julio said Stella had one.”
“Ho, you have a strange way of asking questions, you know?”
“Sorry.”
Clarence stood. “Let’s see. Lead foot could be couple things. Your friend prob’ly said that because she drives liddle bit fast, ah?” He grinned. “Heavy foot on the pedal.”
“Ah.” That made sense. Lead was heavy.
“Also it could mean you dragging your feet. You know, slow, taking your time, not moving fast. You could say you got a lead foot that way, too.”
I nodded. That made sense, too.
“Why you asked about weird kids?”
Streak rolled over for me to rub her belly. “Well … at my school? We got this new guy. From Hilo. I’ve never seen anyone like him. I mean, he tells weird stories, eats bugs, has one-word days, and knows kung fu … but really doesn’t … I mean, know kung fu, he just said he did … and then he got in a fight and ran away.” I frowned and scratched the back of my head. “Now he’s got Tito on his back.”
“Who’s Tito?”
“A sixth grader who likes to push us around.”
Clarence thought for a moment. “This Tito messes with you?”
“Sometimes.”
“You like me talk to him?”
“No, no, Tito’s not that bad. I can handle him. I mean, I know how. But this kid …”
I shook my head.
“I knew a kid like that one time,” Clarence said. “Not the Tito one, but the other one. Everything you said, he made it more big. Whatever you did, he did um better. Everything. No way you could top him.” Clarence humphed. “He got in a lot of fights.”
“Really? This new kid—his name is Benny—he’s kind of like that. But maybe half of what he says might be true.”
Kung Fooey Page 4