Logic tells me one thing, but my reluctant heart tells a different story.
25
Perrie
Why am I standing in an upscale bakery downtown on a Saturday morning? Because as Rachel’s maid of honor, I’m apparently required to participate in all things wedding, even if they don’t affect me. On the brightside? That means Cooper, who Sterling enlisted as his best man, will be here too, so I won’t be suffering alone.
The night of the gala, shortly after I gathered myself and made myself presentable again after mine and Sterling’s fuck session, Rachel cornered me with a bright smile and wide eyes.
“Can you believe it? I mean, this is a long time coming, but I’m getting married, I’m going to be Mrs. Montgomery,” Rachel squealed, holding my hands in hers. “You’ll be my maid of honor, right? You’re my childhood best friend, and there’s no one else I want by my side throughout this whole thing. It’s going to be crazy, especially with the baby, so I obviously have to plan the wedding to happen way before I round out too much.”
I remember staring at her and nodding my head with the best smile I could muster. My body had been buzzing from the aftermath of sex with Sterling—of anal sex with him. I didn’t say a word to her, but thankfully she didn’t want to hear anything. She did enough talking for the both of us.
Fast forward two weeks later, and here we are. I’m the first to show up, and my hands are tingling in anticipation of seeing Sterling again. I haven’t spoken to or seen him since the gala, which isn’t surprising. I can’t imagine he has it easy right now, and I can only imagine the stuff that’s on his plate.
Still, I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel a little hurt and rejected by his silence. Things had gone from super easy and fun to complicated and more detrimental. Truth is, I don’t know how to feel, but I do know that cake tasting for their wedding is the last thing I want to be doing today. I mean, if he didn’t propose, why the theatrics and actual wedding planning? Is he really going to just roll over that easily?
Seems like, I think to myself as I spot him and Rachel walking into the shop arm in arm.
I ignore the pang of regret and hurt in my chest and greet them with my most practiced smile. I don’t meet his eyes, I can’t. It’d give too much away, and with Rachel here, it’s better not to risk anything.
“Perrie.” She lets go of his arm to embrace me in a quick hug. “I’m so happy you could make it. It’ll be good for us to do this together, and with all the wedding planning we’ll be doing, you can finally get to know Lawrence better.”
“Right, Lawrence,” I say sweetly, eyes drifting to his for half a second. “It’d be great to finally get to really know the guy who stole your heart.”
I’m being fake, lying through my teeth, and as immature as it is, I don’t know what else to do. Being so close to the both of them together is making me feel sick, and shame gnaws at my heart, forcing me to see our situation for what it is—or was, whatever.
We had an affair. We are having an affair. And now I’m going to be front and center to one of the most important days of their lives and the steps leading up to it. Fun.
“You all haven’t started without me, right?” Cooper asks as he walks toward us, clamping a hand on Sterling’s shoulder. They share a look, and I avert my eyes from their moment.
Shame continues to prickle my entire body, and tears burn the backs of my eyes. I blink several times and take slow breaths to calm my racing heart.
It’s over. No words have been shared about it, but with a baby and wedding coming up? Yeah, it isn’t too hard to deduct.
But, as Sterling so graciously likes to point out, we are just fucking, nothing else, so there’s no loss there. Besides, I have Zane. Safe, easy Zane who isn’t engaged to the woman carrying his child. That’s an upgrade in and of itself.
Liar.
“Perrie?” Sterling’s deep voice pulls me from my head. I don’t look at him, instead turning my attention to Rachel.
“Sorry, I have a lot of work stuff going on,” I lie. “What were you saying?” I ask, hoping she shared something in the moments I mentally checked out.
“Just that it’s nice to have you and Cooper here,” she says with a smile. “The more people we have approving the food, the better, and the cake is the most important part.”
We all make our way to the back of the shop, and a baker-looking dude greets us, giving us the details of the appointment.
“You have no idea how glad I am that you’re here,” I share quietly with Cooper. “Though, do you think it’s too late for us to make a run for it?”
“If we run now, they might not even notice we were ever here.” His voice turns serious before a laugh leaves him. “Unfortunately, we’re stuck here, but if we both say we like the first cake we taste, it could speed up the process.”
“I like the way you think,” I tell him, laughing softly.
I look over to find Sterling’s light blue gaze narrowed in on me. I avert my own eyes quickly and focus on the task at hand, even though it’s honestly the most boring and awkward thing I’ve ever had to sit through.
The rest of the morning is filled with random outbursts from Rachel, who lets her bridezilla show like a badge of honor. It’s embarrassing and cringeworthy, but none of us bat an eye. Even Sterling, who should be the most annoyed out of all of us, keeps his mouth shut.
It’s going to be a long day, and the morning isn’t even over yet.
“As fun as that was,” Rachel starts, zeroing in on me. “I have a business appointment downtown, but we’re still on for tomorrow, right?”
When I don’t respond, she fills me in. “We’re trying on dresses, remember? It’ll be fun, I promise. Thank you so much again for doing this with us.”
“Anytime,” I tell her, ignoring the twist in my stomach.
“Lawrence,” she directs at Sterling. “I’ll see you tonight, right?”
“I’ll see what I can do,” he bites out, and she either doesn’t notice his solemn attitude or doesn’t care.
With a quick kiss to his cheek, she walks out of the bakery. I move to follow suit when Cooper cuts me off.
“That was awkward as fuck, that’s all I’m going to say,” he states, shaking his head. “If it’s going to be like this every time the four of us are forced together, you two really need to sort your shit out.”
His voice is playful, but his words are laced with seriousness. He waves his goodbye and walks out. I blow out a frustrated breath and turn to face Sterling, stopping him from making his escape.
“He’s right, you know,” I tell him, searching for a sign that he cares or something.
“As long as we both stay out of each other’s way, it shouldn’t be a problem,” he says indifferently.
“You’re back to being an asshole, I see,” I muse, swallowing over the tightness building in my throat. “Whatever it was we had is over, obviously, if your silence these last two weeks is any indication. But we’re going to be around each other a lot, as long as your engagement is still on, which it clearly is. And you know what, for someone who claims to not have proposed, it sure seems like you might as well have. You’re an even bigger coward than I thought.”
I’m rambling and throwing shots, but it does nothing. Instead, he shakes his head, seemingly disappointed, and walks past me to get to the glass door.
“That’s it? You’re just going to walk away instead of having a conversation like an adult?”
“Like an adult?” he questions, turning to face me. His eyes are a blazing blue fire of rage and exhaustion. “You don’t want to have a conversation, Perrie, you want to guilt me and throw a tantrum, but I won’t stand for it. I have enough shit going on without this to worry about.”
“This?” I seethe and keep my voice low, walking until I’m standing right in front of him. “You mean our fucking and hiding it from your fiancée? Who’s the real cheater here, huh?”
I’m taking cheap shots now and playing dirty, but gu
ilt, fear, hurt, and shame are all building, threatening to break me, and I don’t know how to deal.
“Don’t put this all on me, Perrie.” His eyes narrow. “As you’ve pointed out before, it takes two to fuck.”
“I’m not the one who’s been basically betrothed since birth, and I’m certainly not the one with a baby on the way. I date, and sure I’m screwing someone on the regular, but I’m not cemented to him for life. Even if you and Rachel do call it quits for good, you’ll always be in each other’s lives. That’s the fucked up part, and it isn’t even your fault, it’s just the way it is. I should have known better. Instead, I let myself become a homewrecker. And for what? For a guy who never saw me as anything other than an easy fuck?”
I inwardly cringe as each word escapes, but I can’t stop. I’m spewing half-truths and taking cruel jabs, but shame and pain are forces to be reckoned with, and I’m powerless in this moment.
“Immaturity isn’t a good look on you, Perrie,” he says, his tone laced with disappointment.
I watch him walk away, head held high like my little outburst didn’t faze him.
I curse, frustrated at myself and this situation I’ve trapped myself in. It never should have gone as far as it did anyway. We were destined to fail from the start, so why does it hurt so much? That’s an answer I’m never sharing with anyone, including myself, because the truth is, I don’t even know why.
Blake: How’s dress shopping going? Just say the word, and I’ll create an emergency that only you can fix.
I laugh, firing off a response to her.
Perrie: It’s to be expected, but be ready for anything. The day is still young.
I pocket my phone and watch as Rachel stands in front of a floor-to-ceiling mirror, admiring her umpteenth wedding dress for the day. I’ve had the same reaction to every single one of them, so she hasn’t asked me for my opinion on the last few. Thank goodness.
“Perrie, how do you feel about another double date?”
My eyes widen, and I shake my head, denying that request before it’s even fully asked. “They aren’t my favorite, if I’m being honest.”
“The last one wasn’t so bad,” she says, turning to look at me. “I mean, Lawrence was a grump, but he always is. I wouldn’t take that to heart.”
“It isn’t that, I just,” I pause, trying to come up with a decent enough lie, but before I can, she’s crying. Full-on crying with mascara-colored tears streaming down her face and sobs racking her body.
I blink, caught off guard, unsure of what to do.
“I’m sorry, I’m just pregnant and stressed, and Lawrence is always at the office these days, which is amazing because he has an empire to run, but I’m lonely, and I figure if we planned another double date, it could lessen the stress from everything going on and we could enjoy ourselves, if even for a night. That Zane dude isn’t so bad.”
Her words are voiced in between hiccups and sniffles, and even though I can tell she’s full of shit—I’ve witnessed her cry for real, and this isn’t it—I reluctantly agree, knowing Zane won’t care either way. Sterling, on the other hand? Well, with any luck, she won’t be able to convince him to show up.
A girl can dream.
“You’re amazing, Perrie, you know that?” Her tears stop suddenly, and her voice is as clear as ever. “I’m so glad we’re friends.”
Okay, so, Rachel is just as manipulative and psycho as ever, good to know.
If she’s like this with me, I can only imagine what she’s like with Sterling. That can’t be easy.
I think back to my little outburst, and the urge to reach out and apologize is in full force. Since he’s basically avoiding me, maybe this double date would be the perfect opportunity to do just that. If I can get him alone, that is.
26
Sterling
“What do you mean, you have nothing? I’ve been asking you to follow her for weeks. What’s the point of paying double your usual retainer when you haven’t dug anything up?”
I’m terse as I speak to the investigator I first hired when I found out about Rachel’s pregnancy. I was advised he was the best at what he did, but so far he hasn’t proven to be worth the money since I’m still empty-handed.
“Mr. Montgomery, I understand your frustration, I do. I’ve been tailing her every move, and she hasn’t done anything out of line. All this woman does is shop, visit her parents, have lunch with friends, and occasionally work.”
“Gut instinct tells me she isn’t clean. I know there’s something there,” I mutter. I’m starting to wonder if I saw that glimmer of panic at her parents’ party or if it’s a byproduct of my imagination and wishful thinking.
“I happen to agree with you.” His agreement causes me to straighten my spine and press my ear more firmly to my phone. “She’s almost too clean, if you know what I’m saying.”
“Hmm.” I mull his words over. “She must’ve known I’d be suspicious, and considering I basically told her as much a couple weeks ago, she’s probably being on her very best behavior,” I say, thinking out loud.
A grunt of agreement comes through the line. “Maybe it’s time to throw her off her game,” he suggests.
His idea has merit, and the more I think on it, the more hopeful I become of finding a light at the end of this increasingly stifling tunnel.
“You just earned all your money,” I say, which makes him laugh. “I’ll be in touch. Please continue to follow her in the meantime, but expect a shift in behavior in the coming weeks.”
“Roger that, boss.”
I hang up on him, and for the first time in months, I feel victory might be within my grasp. Rachel’s hiding something, and I’m convinced it has to do with her pregnancy. I’m determined to find out, and since patience hasn’t proved helpful, I’m willing to change my strategy and take action.
“Everything okay, gullgosse?” My mother’s smooth, accented voice is tinged with worry.
I’m quick to reassure her. “Your blue-eyed boy will be just fine,” I say, referencing the Swedish term of endearment she’s fond of using.
I bestow her with a genuine smile, and the concern in her eyes dissipates as she comes to take a seat next to me. I’m at the family estate, as I am every weekend, and I’m sitting at the pool’s edge, my bare feet swishing back and forth in the water. She gracefully removes her sandals and dips her feet in as well, and I loop an arm around her shoulders to pull her in. My mother may look like an ice queen with the eyes I inherited and her platinum blonde hair, but she’s warmer and kinder than anyone I’ve ever met.
“What’s causing my darling boy stress?”
There’s no way I’m going to bullshit my mother, but I try and figure out where to start.
“Rachel,” is all I can say, and that seems to be enough.
Laughter follows my response, and she has to pause for a moment to daintily wipe a tear or two from the corners of her eyes. “What else is new? That one is trouble. Always has been, always will be.”
That’s news to me. “I thought you and dad always liked her?” It comes out as a question because I’m honestly confused.
“We like her father,” she clarifies. “There’s a difference. We’ve known Walter a long time, and he’s a valuable friend and business partner. We don’t care either way for his wife or daughter, but they’re a package deal.”
“But...but I thought…”
“You thought we wanted you to align yourself permanently with Rachel?” she guesses, and I nod. “No, Sterling. All we want is for you to be happy. You were born into this life with the world at your feet, and you should seize it with a good woman. If Rachel doesn’t make you happy, don’t marry her. She might be having your child, so there’s no getting rid of her permanently,” she kids, “but it doesn’t mean you have to put a ring on it, as they say.”
It sounds so simple. “I’m in a bit of a predicament,” I sheepishly admit.
I feel no shame talking to my family about my troubles, and I share my r
eservations about Rachel’s pregnancy and come clean about the fake engagement. I leave out all mention of Perrie since I know it would upset my mother, but everything else is put out on the table.
“Hmm, that is a predicament. Have you talked to your father about this?”
“No,” I admit. “Not yet.”
“You should fill him in too. He’ll want to hear it from you.” She isn’t chiding me, but I acknowledge her advice with a nod. “I understand your concern, but I think you’ve already put together a plan to unravel this little mess. If the child happens to be yours, we’ll welcome it into our family with open arms. And if isn’t…” She shrugs in the fluid, casual way only Europeans have seemed to master. “We’ll deal with it. Don’t worry too much about society and Walter. The people looking in from the outside will never touch us, and Walter is level-headed enough to not get in a snit over something like this. He can separate business from his personal life.”
I nod before I bend my head to kiss her on her still-smooth cheek. “Thank you, Mamma,” I say, using the Swedish word for mom. “I should go find dad.”
She hums her agreement, and I get up so I can head into the house to hunt down my father. I’m a few steps away when I hear my mother call out over my shoulder.
“Oh, and Sterling?”
I halt in my tracks. “Yes?”
“I may not like Rachel, but I do like Perrie.”
When I don’t say anything, she laughs lightly, and the sound follows me as I head back inside, a little more confused than I was just a moment ago.
A renewed sense of purpose fills my chest, making me feel lighter. After sharing my internal burden with my family the other day and getting my father’s point of view on things, I feel confident that my plan is a sound one. My heart feels fuller knowing my family is in my corner, supporting me regardless of the outcome of this mess, and I’m grateful for their offer to help with the aftermath. I turned them down for assistance on the latter since I can and should handle my own business directly, but I thanked them for listening to my plan. However, said plan hinges on two things to make it work: convincing Rachel I’m all in, and staying away from Perrie. I have no doubt I can convince Rachel I’m committed, but Perrie is sure to throw a wrench in things.
Don't Let Me Be Yours Page 17