Don't Let Me Be Yours

by Kimberly Reese

  There’s a nagging in the back of my mind, screaming that he’s unavailable and tied to someone carrying his child, someone he’ll probably be spending the rest of his life with.

  I ignore it and block out the rational side of my brain, instead enjoying this moment with Sterling and hoping that things won’t completely fall apart.

  Naive and wishful is what it is, because we aren’t that lucky. Not with the betrayals we’ve both committed.

  He pulls out of me, and once the condom is discarded, he returns to bed, and for a little while things aren’t as complicated as they are.

  28

  Sterling

  A slight sense of unease begins to swirl in the pit of my stomach as I enter the small lobby of Ayala Image Management, but I beat it back by straightening my spine as I approach the receptionist.

  “I’m here to see Perrie.” I keep my voice soft and low, polite but authoritative, and it has the effect I expected.

  The young woman flushes at my scrutiny and doesn’t even check to see if I have an appointment. “Her meeting ends in just a few minutes, if you don’t mind waiting. Is there anything I can get for you?”

  “No, thank you.” I lean over the desk a little farther and keep my gaze trained on her. “I don’t mind waiting, but I’ll do so in her office instead of out here.”

  It’s not a request, and she knows it. Her mouth gapes for a moment, but when one corner of my lips tilts up, she’s done for.

  “Her office is down the hall to your left,” she sighs dreamily.

  She seems like a nice girl, but I’d fire her in a heartbeat if she worked for me. Still, I’m grateful for her easy compliance. I smile my thanks and strut confidently in the direction of Perrie’s office. The door is unlocked, and I shut the door behind me before taking a cursory glance around the room. It’s small, which is typical for the size of her company, but neat. A few framed articles praising her company adorns the walls, as do numerous photos of Perrie with her family. I don’t have to look at them for too long to realize they’re close-knit.

  Out of habit, I move to the position of power behind the desk and take a seat. Perrie does well for herself, that much is obvious, and pride prickles at my skin knowing she was able to fulfill her dream of starting her own PR company from the ground up. Unfortunately, the admiration I feel for this woman is doused and replaced with uncharacteristic nerves when I think of why I’m here.

  Rachel called earlier to ask if I could swing by AIM and remind Perrie she’s behind on providing the press release she agreed to put together for our impending nuptials. Apparently she’s not returning her calls or emails, and it was time to send in the reinforcements: me. It’s a testament to Rachel’s self-absorption that she didn’t think twice about sending me here, instead opting to tend to a veil “emergency” at the boutique, but I’m not going to complain.

  Since the night of our last double date, when Perrie and I threw caution to the wind yet again and succumbed to the undeniable attraction between us, I realized how tired I am.

  Tired of fighting our attraction.

  Tired of sneaking around.

  Tired of the uncertainty that still hovers over us like a dark cloud.

  I’m done feeling this way, and I’m going to do what I do best and finally do something about it.

  She opened up to me in a way she hasn’t before, and her avoidance of Rachel is further proof she wants this as much as I do. I hadn’t planned on doing this at her place of work, but I couldn’t turn down the opportunity to get it over with and out of the way.

  As if my thoughts summon her, the door to her office swings open, and she breezes in. She halts when she sees me seated at her desk, astonishment flickering across her features.

  “What are you doing here?” she inquires saucily. The heel of her foot kicks back to shut the door, and she leans against it to glare at me. “And why are you in my chair? At my desk? Last I checked, this was my business.”

  I lean back in her chair, taking my time to make myself comfortable, and lift my arms so my hands link behind my neck. She tracks my movement, and I’d have to be blind to miss the eagerness with which her dark orbs devour me.

  “Happy to see me?” I smile at her, already knowing the answer.

  “Answer the question, Sterling.”

  Not moving from my position, I state, “Rachel sent me. Something about a delayed wedding press release.” Her lips and shoulders droop slightly at that, so I continue. “That’s why she sent me, but it’s not the real reason I’m here. We need to talk about us.”

  Her words are as guarded as her eyes. “What about us?”

  “About what we’re doing...and where we go from here.”

  Getting out of her chair, I make my way around to the front of her desk and lean against it, my hands lightly gripping the edge in a show of relaxed strength. Truth is, while I’m confident she feels strongly about me, a little warning bell is still ringing. I’m going to be as open as I can with her without jeopardizing my plan.

  It isn’t fair to either of us to settle for pursuing things in secret, especially when I need to focus all my efforts on keeping up my front with Rachel, and I decided it’s best to end things with Perrie for now in hopes she’ll be open to picking things up again when the dust settles, whenever that may be. I thought briefly about telling her everything, but she’s proven time and again that she can’t keep her emotions in check or hide how she really feels, especially when it comes to our situation. No, it’s best to tell her what I can and hope she accepts it...and me.

  Time to lay my cards on the table.

  “I told you before that I can’t leave Rachel, not right now anyway, but I do plan on leaving her.” Her sharp intake of breath resounds in the enclosed space. “I just don’t know when. But I promise, it’s coming.”

  She scoffs, the sound heavy. “Oh, God, here we go.”

  “Don’t,” I warn.

  “Don’t what?”

  “Don’t tune me out before hearing what I have to say.” Without waiting for her to continue, I rush on. “I can’t give all the details, but I promise that once I finally get things sorted out, I’ll tell you everything. It’s a delicate, fucked up situation, and it deserves my full attention. You do as well,” I clarify, “which is why I hope you’ll please wait for me.”

  I know this isn’t what she wants to hear, but it’s all I can offer to keep things from getting more complicated than they already are.

  “Oh, so you want to have your cake and eat it too?”

  Her hostile tone raises my own ire. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means you want to keep me on as a side piece while you stay with the woman you plan to marry, the one carrying your child. Come on, how stupid do you think I am? You honestly believe I’d fall for this excuse again? This ‘situation’ you keep referring to is a joke that’s getting old.”

  Her voice trembles slightly, and I’m not entirely sure if it’s more from sadness or anger.

  I take a deep breath, trying to harness some of the composure I’m known for.

  “That’s not what I meant, Perrie. I’ve been nothing but upfront with you from the get-go. Just the other night, you were saying we’re sick human beings for sneaking around like we are. I’m trying to tell you I don’t want to do that anymore. Please, hear and understand what I’m saying. I want an honest start with you, but I need time to close out this disastrous chapter of my life. Please respect that.”

  My words drip with sincerity, and it’s the closest I’ve ever been to begging.

  She pushes away from the door and walks so she’s behind her desk. I spin in a circle, keeping her in my sight, but I stay standing when she sits. Her desk is small, but the slab of wood now serves as a barrier between us, and the niggle of doubt I felt earlier intensifies.

  “Tell me what’s going on, and I’ll believe you,” she demands.

  “I can’t do that.” The hard set of my jaw tells her without words that it
’s non-negotiable.

  The lips I’ve been fascinated with from the start twist into an ugly sneer. “Then I can’t do this. You can see yourself out.”

  “No,” I say, leaning down so we’re eye to eye.

  A second passes. Two. Three.

  At ten, she blurts, “Do you love me?”

  My body stills at the abrupt question, but my eyes stay locked with hers. I don’t answer right away, and the truth leaves my lips when I do.

  “No, I don’t.” She flinches at my honesty. “But I know I could,” I say softly. “If I had the opportunity to explore what we have without anything standing in our way, it’d be inevitable.”

  Color rises in her cheeks. “That’s not good enough for me.” I open my mouth to respond, but a torrent of vitriol spills forth before I can get a word out. “Your broken, vague promises and empty reassurances aren’t good enough for me. I can’t be strung along forever. It’s already been long enough, which proves to me how unlikely it is that you and Rachel will ever be done. If that wasn’t enough, even if I did wait, I can’t build a relationship on lies. Because that’s what this is. I could never trust someone like you, a man who keeps all these secrets and cheats on his pregnant girlfriend. Someone like you isn’t worth waiting for.”

  She’s breathing hard by the time she’s done, but I feel an eerie sense of calm wash over me. The ringing of my cell punctures the silence, and Perrie naturally assumes the worst, not that that’s any surprise.

  “You should answer that. I bet your fiancée is wondering where you are.”

  Slowly, I remove my hands from the desk and look at her with the cool indifference I reserve for the boardroom. It’s detached, professional, and represents exactly how I feel about her right now.

  “I am worth waiting for, and I’m man enough to admit I was clearly wrong about you. Pity, but lesson learned. Thank you,” I say with clipped gratitude. “Thank you for revealing that you’re the type of investment to steer clear of. Your juvenile, self-righteous attitude and rollercoaster treatment of me is not worth my time or effort. I suggest you evaluate yourself and your actions before you point your finger at me. Don’t come calling when you realize everything you think you know is wrong. Have a nice life, Perrie.”

  I don’t wait for her reaction. Instead, I turn on my heel and leave with my shoulders back and my head held high. I carry myself with the bearing of a king, and I won’t let the fact that I mistakenly thought she could be my queen hold me back.

  Digging into my pocket, I pull out my cell and see who my missed call is from. A genuine smile softens the hard lines of my mouth, and I eagerly call them back.

  For everything that’s gone wrong, it seems the tide is about to turn in my favor.

  Two hours later, I’m back in my own office, my nerves buzzing excitedly while I wait for my next meeting to start. The end is finally in sight, and I made sure to block off my calendar for it. A dull clacking reaches my ears through the walls, and I hastily suppress the smile I feel coming.

  “Your secretary finally learned to let me through,” Rachel says loudly as she bustles in. “Thank you for talking to her, Lawrence.”

  I hum out a non-answer and put up with the kiss she places on my cheek. Holding out my arm, I gesture for her to take a seat.

  “I must say, I was excited when you wanted to meet with me in the middle of the day. Are we going to lunch or something?”

  The smile I’ve been fighting starts to spread. “No, but I did want to talk about our future.”

  Her eyes spark with greed and excitement, and mine spark in return at the hammer I’m about to drop on her plans.

  “Our future?” she purrs. “That sounds wonderful.”

  “Yes,” I agree. “It is. I decided I couldn’t wait any longer to talk to you, especially since it’s such a momentous, life-changing decision.”

  “Yes?” She’s beaming at me now as she rubs at her baby bump, the fake engagement ring she gave herself glinting.

  All humor and kindness leaves my voice. “We’re done.” Her smile is frozen in place, as if she isn’t sure she heard correctly, so I decide to help her out. “You and I are over.”

  I grab the folder sitting in front of me, flip it open, and spin it so it’s facing her.

  Her smile falls, and panic whitens her already fair features. For once, she’s at a loss for words, and I smile smugly as I stare at her.

  “Nice try, but no dice. I knew I’d catch you in your lie, but it wasn’t until you let down your guard that my investigator finally caught you meeting up with the medical clerk and doctor to pay them off. I’ve already shared with your father these falsified records documenting how far along you are, as well as these photos of you sleeping around with the help. I admit, those were a bonus, but it’s amazing who comes out of hiding when you offer to pay for information.”

  Rachel’s pale complexion starts to turn a mottled red color at the proof I’ve presented her with, and when she opens her mouth to speak, nothing comes out except for a garbled sound.

  “I never pegged you to be interested in Paulson, your father’s assistant.” I point to one of the glossy photos. “Your father isn’t too pleased about that, especially since he has to find a new assistant he can trust. I don’t care to know how things started between you two or when, but I can tell he’s the type to give it to you missionary. Good for you, Rachel, compromising wealth for your physical needs.”

  She finally finds her voice. “You’re such an asshole.”

  “I’m getting really tired of hearing that, but I can’t deny that it’s true. You know what else is true? There’s no way that child is mine, seeing as how the time of conception safely took place when we were apart and in no way sexually active.”

  In a last-ditch effort, she says, “You can’t prove we didn’t sleep together during this time.”

  Oddly enough, I’m not upset she isn’t even denying it; I’m more relieved than anything that this is so close to being over permanently.

  “Oh, but I can. In addition to company records accounting for my time here, I was out of town for a business trip for a large chunk of time. As for the few weeks leading up to your pregnancy announcement, I was definitely exercising my rights as a single man.”

  She bristles at this pronouncement. “You’ll never find better than me.”

  “Oh, God.” I bark out a loud laugh. “Your hubris knows no bounds. Sorry to break it to you, but I already have.”

  Rachel’s eyes narrow, and when her lips part, I know she’s about to ask who it is.

  “If you think on it hard enough, you’ll realize anyone I choose to be with is the complete opposite of you in all the ways that count. I’m pressed for time though and can only stomach sitting in your presence for so long. You have one last question, so choose wisely.”

  I’m not jesting, and she realizes it when she spits out, “What happens next?”

  “Wise choice.” I smile wolfishly. “I’m a man of my word, and with the exception of leaving your parents out of this since they’re innocent parties, you’re about to feel the full force of the Montgomery name for trying to pull off this pathetic attempt to trap me. Only this time, it’ll be working against you, instead of for you like you always wished. You’re done for, Rachel. Now, get the hell out. I have better things to do with my time.”

  As soon as the words leave my lips, I press the button on my desk, and the security guards who were waiting outside the door come in to escort her out. Instead of going out with dignity, she starts to shout obscenities at me, so I do what will drive her even crazier: I ignore her.

  Turning my back on her, I look out the window as she’s led away.

  “Lawrence! Lawrence!” she shrieks.

  “It’s Sterling!” I bellow with my back still to her, the strength of all the times I wanted to correct her powering my voice. I’m not sure she hears me until she starts to shout even more, and I can’t help but laugh as I watch her struggle unfold in the reflection of the w
indow. Both guards are practically dragging her down the hall to the elevator, and I realize as I watch that I’ve never seen her so animated.

  The farther she gets, the freer I feel. It’s as if a chain I didn’t know was around me is chipped away with each step, and I start to breathe easily.

  I don’t know how much time passes, but I finally let myself fully relax as I think of the chaotic day that transformed from hopeful to disappointed to triumphant. While it didn’t turn out how I wanted in every respect, I can’t regret anything that brought me to this moment.

  Finally, I’m free. While I may not know where it’ll lead, I’m content in the fact that it’s mine.

  29

  Perrie

  After Sterling left my office, I’m not ashamed to admit that I sat there wallowing in self-pity. His words, no matter how badly they stung, were true. I have been juvenile, and that isn’t me. Or at least, it never used to be. Ever since this thing with Sterling started, whatever it is, I’ve been pulled in multiple directions, fighting against what’s right, wrong, how I feel, how I should feel, and how I shouldn’t. It’s been complicated, but it’s also been exhilarating. I like how I feel when I’m with him. I’m in like with him, and that’s what scares me, because it pushes what we have past the physical attractions we’ve been acting on.

  And he feels the same. Well, if his words from before my unwillingness to wait for him are any indication. I denied his request and all but excused his words, the ones that shared more of himself than I ever saw before.

  Yeah, I messed up. That seems to be a pattern as of late, one I’m not proud of.

  I’m explaining this to Blake as we get ready to leave work for the night, and her eyes jump from being narrowed to wide in the span of time if takes me to explain everything, including the deeper details of my affair with Sterling.

  “You know, I’m really not all that surprised,” she says with a shrug. “After that first time you two had sex, I would have bet my firstborn that you two wouldn’t stop there.”