“I don’t think my warrior is capable of being humbled all the way, but I’ll try to drug it with NyQuil or something to at least get it relaxed,” I reply.
“Perfect,” he says with a nod. “I’ll do the same, and both of us can just suppress our inner rage for a few hours until we get home and channel it into explosive sex.”
“I like how you think!” I giggle and raise my water glass to him.
Brenda has a smile on her face when she opens the door, but I can tell there’s a little apprehension beneath the surface. Not that I blame her. After this morning, getting all of us in a room is like combining a bunch of volatile chemicals and hoping you don’t end up with an exploding meth lab.
On the plus side, the house smells delicious. She’s whipped up kotopoulo skorthato, a Greek chicken dish with garlic and lemon that I used to love when I was a kid. Jon hasn’t shown his face yet either, which gives us a moment’s pause before plunging into this shitstorm.
James reaches for my hand under the table when we take a seat. I’m sure both of us are trying to suppress our heightened emotions and just let it all slide. Serenity now! Serenity now!
Both our heads snap up when we see Jon enter the room. He doesn’t look any more relaxed than we do, and I can tell he’s got some choice words lined up for us as well. He takes a seat at the head of the table to my left, while the seat on James’s side is left open for his mom. I’m not sure how to feel about that. I berated him this morning, but he’d still rather sit nearer to me than to his own son? Relax, Lola. Maybe that’s just the side he always sits on.
The silence is deafening as we await the food. No one wants to speak first. Honestly, I’m not even sure what to say. I certainly made my opinion loud and clear this morning, and I’m not sure if I can elaborate without raising my voice. James is looking a little sickly, and I can tell this frosty silence is eating away at him too. It’s times like this when I see his true vulnerability. He’s strong, masculine, and he can be a scary dude you don’t want to provoke. But in these moments, I can see past the shell and get a glimpse of the little boy who never thought his dad was proud of him, the child who knew he wasn’t the favorite and felt ashamed that he could never impress his father.
Brenda brings out the food, refusing our offers to help, and begins scooping things onto everyone’s plates while the silence continues to linger. Just a quick glance at the way James is holding his shoulders shows me the contrast from his usual confident, carefree demeanor to the stressed uncertainty of this moment.
I steal a second to lean over and kiss his cheek before whispering, “I love you. Stay strong, babe.”
The smile he returns is appreciative and warm, and he gives my hand a little squeeze.
“Clearly we have a few things we need to work out,” Brenda says after we’ve all taken a few bites and complimented her on the meal.
Silence.
“The conversation this morning just goes to show you that we need to stop bottling these things up, and we need to get them out in the open,” she continues. “I understand that this has been difficult all around, but I want us to be a big, happy family again, so we’re going to fix it.”
Tense silence. Agonizingly tense silence.
“Jon,” I finally say, “I apologize for the way I spoke to you this morning. I was very upset, but I didn’t mean to be rude, and it sort of exploded out that way.”
“I accept your apology, sweetheart,” he says with surprising warmth in his tone. “I know you were upset, but I respect that you told me how you really felt. Probably could have been a little more ladylike about it, but I see where you were coming from.”
I try my best to smile at him, and I think I do an okay job of pulling it off.
“I don’t appreciate you making insinuations about me or my marriage,” James says tersely.
Jon glares back at him, and I’m just keeping my fingers crossed this doesn’t turn into another unpredictable incident.
“You don’t know about my life with Lola,” James continues. “You don’t see how things are day-to-day for us, and you have no understanding of how I feel about her or what I’ve done in the past, so maybe you should refrain from weighing in on things you have absolutely no insight into.”
That came out with a challenge in the last part, and I see Jon narrowing his eyes at James. This is like the old west, like they’re meeting at high noon for a quick-draw duel.
“I think your pattern of behavior speaks for itself,” Jon says dismissively.
Brenda clears her throat, trying to subtly keep everyone in line, but I’m not sure Jon’s going to heed that warning.
“And what pattern is that?” James says defiantly. “Please, I’d love to hear you describe my ‘pattern of behavior’ since you’ve apparently done years of research and observation on how I live my life, even though you haven’t spoken a word to me in six years.”
Oh, boy.
“You don’t work hard. You don’t care about responsibility. You take the easy route because you can’t be bothered to put any effort into anything. That’s exactly what landed you in that profession. You went out there to try to act—and that was only because you were too lazy for a real job—but making that smut was easier than actually trying to make it into movies, so you did that instead.”
This has to be hard for James to hear. I hate to admit it, but there’s a little kernel of truth to it. Traditionally, James wasn’t the stay-in-school-get-good-grades-have-a-bright-future kind of guy. He was the find-the-fastest-way-to-the-goal-with-minimal-effort dude. He wasn’t a slacker per se, but he knew when to turn on the charm to get his way.
“You gave no thought to the repercussions of your actions—never have,” Jon continues. “You just lived your life like there were no consequences. That was why I had to show you that there are consequences when you do something wrong. Sure, you gals might think it was extreme,” he adds, gesturing to Brenda and me, “but it was what I had to do. You needed to see what would happen if you screwed up.”
“Do you think the punishment fit the crime?” I chime in. “Do you think he was deserving of total banishment?”
“He needed to learn a lesson,” Jon says, staring James down. “James, you can’t even begin to fathom the way we felt when we saw that video. Your mother was so disgusted she couldn’t even look at the screen. Broke her heart.”
James sucks in a small gasp, and I know those words hurt him the most.
“I felt very…disappointed,” Brenda says after a beat. “I was just so shocked, honey.” She turns to James. “I never thought you’d do something like that. I thought I’d raised you better than that. It made me feel like I did something wrong.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Mom,” he responds with a shake of his head. “Even though Dad was cold growing up, you weren’t. I never felt anything but love from you, and my childhood was happy because of that.”
For a split second, I see Jon look down at his plate with what appears to be shame. He has to have felt it when James called him cold.
“Brenda, his job never reflected on you,” I calmly interject. “The stereotype is that all porn stars came from a broken home or they were abused, but that’s not the case. We know a lot of them, and they’re just people. They’re all in the business for different reasons, but not all of them ‘ended up there’ because they weren’t raised right.”
“Exactly!” James agrees.
“Boy, you really must have pulled one over on her,” Jon scoffs. “You’ve got a good girl like Lola convinced that you and your lowlife friends are all hookers with a heart of gold.”
I sigh with frustration and run my fingers through my hair. “Jon, please stop being so derogatory,” I say, putting my best effort into remaining calm and collected.
“Come on, Lola!” he says dramatically. “You have to see what they are. You can’t sit here and defend those people. Those people are trash—they’re whores! What’s the definition of a whore, huh? It’s so
meone who has sex for money. That’s what those people do. That’s what my son does. And I’m not supposed to be ashamed of him?”
James’s inhale is trembly, and I clutch his hand even tighter.
“First of all, James has retired from performing,” I refute. “I don’t appreciate you calling him or our friends whores. You don’t know what you’re talking about, and I don’t think you should make these broad statements. You’re entitled to your opinion, but not everyone shares that opinion, and you need to understand that.”
He raises an eyebrow like he doesn’t believe me.
“My eyes are open. They were when I committed to this relationship. Besides, culture is changing. Do you watch HBO or Showtime? There’s lots of sex and nudity on there, so this really isn’t that different. If he were on an HBO show, you’d be proud of him, even if his character did nothing but have sex on every episode.”
“At least HBO has a story, and actors that know how to deliver a line,” he murmurs.
I rub my eyes with the palms of my hands as I sigh with frustration.
“You’re not ashamed?” he counters. “You’ve never been ashamed that your husband was a pornographer? That he exploited women and had sex for money? That’s never once bothered you? Not even a little bit?”
I feel like someone just shined a spotlight on me, and I squirm in my seat. “Jon, I think…it’s just…”
“Come on,” he urges impatiently. “You can’t sit here and tell me it’s never bothered you. You can cover for him all you want, but you can’t honestly expect me to believe that you never felt ashamed of him.”
“I was never ‘ashamed,’ Jon,” I say, much quieter than before. “There have been times when it was…challenging, but I never felt any shame because I never questioned how I felt about him.”
James turns his head to look at me, and I want to sew my lips shut so I won’t have to elaborate on that at all. This would be the worst possible time to discuss my conflicted emotions over James’s career. Jon would latch onto that, and it would only fuel his fire.
“Did you ever feel ashamed?” James softly asks me. “Did the porn thing ever make you feel embarrassed to be with me?”
This moment is excruciatingly awkward. “It’s not like that,” is all I can muster. I’m not ashamed, never have been, but there have been a few times—like at the awards—when I wished he had a “normal” job.
“Don’t you try to pressure her into agreeing with you,” Jon snaps at James, who looks up and scowls at him.
“It’s not pressure, Jon,” I assure him. “I’ve told James how I feel about things before. He knows what it’s been like for me, and he knows that I love him.”
Jon shakes his head and sighs. I can’t look at him, and I turn to Brenda instead. She’s giving me a look of concern—like she’s worried I’m hiding something, that I’m holding back. Maybe I kind of am, a little bit, but this is all feeling too dramatic.
“I know it’s been tough for her sometimes,” James says, wrapping his arm around me. “I know there are times when she felt unsure and she was afraid. I feel guilty about it every fuckin’ day, but I can’t change it.”
“See? There you go,” Jon says, gesturing to me. “You feel guilty about it because you know your selfish decisions hurt someone. You can’t see that they hurt us too?”
“I know they did, all right?” James responds, his voice cracking a little bit. “I know you were ashamed and you felt embarrassed that people knew about it. I’m sorry for that, okay, Dad? I’m sorry!”
Ugh. This just keeps getting worse.
“I’m sorry too, James. I’m sorry that we cut you off,” Brenda chimes in. “We should have talked it out with you, not run you out of our lives. Those are six years we can never get back.”
His attention shifts to her, and his eyes well up.
“I was worried for you,” she says. “I was worried that this would be devastating for you in the long run, that you’d have to face everything that comes with it later. I’m still worried, honey. I’m worried about what’s going to happen years from now, when you two have children and they have to grow up with that.”
“I’m sure this won’t even matter by then. James won’t be in the spotlight anymore by the time we’re ready for children, and they’ll just learn to deal with it, just like I did.”
James sighs, and I can tell he’s wondering how his former career might hinder his new dreams of being a family man.
“I just think you guys might have made way too big of a deal out of this,” I say, trying not to be too accusatory. “You guys freaked out like he was a serial killer or something. I think your reaction was unfounded.” There it is. The whole point. “You say James didn’t think about how his actions hurt you, but maybe you didn’t think about how badly you hurt him. I was there, Jon. I know how painful it was to have his parents just callously dismiss him.”
James’s dad stays quiet, but he’s definitely paying attention.
“I don’t know what we can do to fix this,” I say with a resigned sigh. “I don’t want things to be this way, but I don’t know how we can all get on the same page and just forgive each other. That was why I blew up this morning. I had so much pent-up anger because of how much you hurt him, and I completely lost it.”
Jon takes a deep breath before he responds, “I understand, sweetheart.”
Both Brenda and James seem a little surprised at the calm, almost remorseful tone to Jon’s voice.
“You’re a great girl—a great woman now,” Jon begins. “As much as it shocked me that you were so upset, I guess I kind of expected it too. You don’t roll over, Lola. I like that about you. That’s basically the only reason I’d have any faith in this thing at all.”
From the way his shoulders shift, I can tell that James’s anger is flaring up, but he keeps it in check.
“Hell, I remember how you used to take Jonathan on, really let him have it when he acted like a jackass,” Jon says, chuckling at whatever memory flashes in his mind—probably the time I kicked Jonathan in the balls for throwing my stuffed animal on the roof. “I can have a little shred of hope because I know you’re not going to let James get away with anything, but I still think you’re too good for him.”
“Then I think you’re underestimating him,” I reply. “I think James and I are a pretty even match. We’re both strong in different areas. You might think he’s getting more from our relationship than I am, but I can assure you, he’s providing me with everything I could ever want emotionally.” And in the bedroom. “Honestly, it just bums me out that you can’t see how great he is.”
“That bums me out too, Jon,” Brenda surprisingly interjects.
I can’t contain a snicker, but she turns and smiles at me, laughing a little herself. James relaxes a bit more, and I think he can see that it’s three against one pleading his case here.
“You love our boys, Jon,” Brenda says. “I know you love them both, but you’ve just never shown it to James the way you did with Jonathan.”
Ooh! Right on target!
“Jonathan was older. I don’t know. It was different,” he attempts to explain. “James used to love breaking rules and getting into trouble. Never responsible, never trustworthy.”
“I disagree,” I dispute. “He was very trustworthy. He didn’t lie, he didn’t deceive people—”
“He deceived us!” Jon retorts.
“He hid his career from you because he worried about how you’d react,” I say. “And what did you do when you found out? Reacted in the exact way he was hoping to avoid.”
“What were we supposed to do then, Lola? How the hell were we supposed to react to that?”
“Maybe by talking to him. Maybe by having the conversation we’re having right now.”
“Instead of destroying my fuckin’ world, maybe you could have calmed down and we could have talked about it,” James says, his voice much firmer.
Jon glares at him before Brenda says, “I think you’re r
ight, Lola.”
Everyone looks a little surprised.
“We got carried away. And I want to tell you that I’m so sorry for that.” She reaches for James’s hand. “I saw how hurt you were when your father made you leave. I should have done something, but I didn’t. It’s my fault that your world got destroyed.”
She starts to cry, but James squeezes her hand. “No, Mom,” he softly tells her. “It’s not your fault. I fucked up first. I should have talked to you from the start. I should have told you where I was headed instead of going for it and pretending it was never going to blow up. I was hurt, but you were hurt too. It was just terrible for all of us.”
“I’m sorry, honey.” She sniffles. “I am just so sorry, and I wish I could erase that whole day.”
“I know,” he whispers to her.
“It’s going to take time to mend this,” I say. “There’s a lot of pain here, a lot of broken hearts, and it won’t be easy to heal everything up. But we have to try, you guys. I’m like you, I want us to be a big, happy family, and I think we can do that if we just take a step back and think about what’s really important. We are family—I’d like to think I’m included in that now, so let’s all try to forgive and go on from there.”
“You’ve always been family, sweetheart,” Jon says to me, “and I think you’re right.”
Brenda sits back in her chair, and James nearly gasps with surprise. There’s hope. Lots of hope. As far as I’m concerned, this conversation has been a resounding success.
Everything is lighter as we enjoy the meal. Sure, Jon is still a little quiet, and James’s voice seems just a tiny bit tense, but we all manage to make cordial conversation and no one has to call the cops, so we’re off to a good start.
Chapter 9
James
BY THE TIME LOLA and I make it back to Theresa’s house after dinner with my parents, I’m worn the fuck out. My shoulders hurt, and I’m so fuckin’ tense, even though things went pretty well. I expected a huge fight, but Lola and my mom kept it mellow, and I think we might have made some progress. Theresa agrees when we give her the summary of events, and I’m starting to get hopeful that everything will work out down the road.
Vice, Virtue & Video: Devoted Page 10