Confusion: (a love story)

  “I’m OK.” I insist, a little unsure. “What happened?”

  “You fainted.” Nathan replies. “And you seem a bit feverish. Dr. Sandling went to find a doctor so you should probably lie back down.”

  I wake up again with someone new. He’s taking my temperature with a scanner and proceeds to ask me a few questions. I admit to feeling exhausted, being under stress, and not eating but deny everything else. He decides it’s nothing serious, gives me a few Tylenol for my fever, and suggests that I drink plenty of water and sleep.

  Nathan comes to kneel at my feet and asks if he can have Eric drive me home. For the first time I realize that my apartment may no longer be my home. After tonight, I’m not sure that Christopher wants me there. Nathan misreads my reservation and asks if they should call Christopher to come pick me up. I can feel the tears start to fill my eyes so rather than risk speaking I just look at him and shake my head no. I try to think through what to do. Finally, I ask Eric to please find my purse and to call my friend Eliana.

  I start to lie back down and Nathan stands to walk away. I catch his hand and pull him back towards me. I just want to go back to that feeling of the dance floor, to feel his arms wrapped around me, for things to be easy for just one more minute. I can tell that he is torn and I’m starting to worry that he is going to reject me in the same way he did in the hallway this morning. Instead, he moves to the couch and settles in behind me. I’m afraid that he will change his mind when I drift off to sleep so I pull his arm under me and lay my head on his forearm. I try to close my eyes and drift back to sleep, but it doesn’t seem to be working.

  He seems to be laying as far from me as possible, flat on his back with his left arm over his eyes. He’s holding the arm that I took captive out straight so that the only part of me that is touching him is my face that rests on his well sculpted forearm. All of my attention is focused on this small area. He must be very well built because I can feel the contour of his muscle, even in this relaxed state. I can smell that same intoxicating mix of vanilla and leather and chocolate and get lost for a moment in wondering how exactly he came to smell like that. My thoughts are swirling and folding in on me and I finally accept that I must be ill. This feels different that just tipsy from wine and exhaustion.

  Eric comes back to tell us that he has called Eliana and that she is on her way. He sounds distant, although I can plainly see him a few feet away, which adds to the dreamlike quality of the moment. Nathan tries to sit up a bit to talk with him and asks him to wait by the door, this side of the door. As he does, he leans slightly over me. He looks down and me and seems distressed.

  “Are you shivering?”

  I think about his question and then realize that I am. He quickly takes off his jacket and drapes it over me. He gives me his arm back as a pillow and now turns toward me and moves in closer. His warmth feels so amazing that I respond without thinking and press myself firmly against the length of his body. He inhales sharply and then seems to hold his breath for eternity. For a moment the only sensation is his heart, pounding, which I can feel though his shirt against my back. But I’m confused again. Is that his heart or mine? I can’t tell what is real and what is part of my feverish reality. I start to fade again.

  I’m awake again and as my shivering starts to recede I am keenly aware of his body against mine. I can feel his heart pounding and his chest is pushed firmly against my back. I can feel each muscle tighten and release as he takes short, shallow breaths. Is he trying not to move? His body is so incredibly tense that it seems like I can trace every muscle. Mentally I outline his muscular shoulders, the definition of his chest, and his well sculpted stomach. I can feel his hips and, there, pressed into my lower back I can feel his considerable erection. My breath hitches and my entire body flushes.

  Now I am too hot, his body almost burning my skin so I sit up just as Eliana enters the darkened room.

  “What is going on? Where is Christopher? And who is...” As she makes her way across the room her eyes adjust and she notices Nathan who is now sitting beside me on the couch. “...this.” She looks bewildered.

  Sitting up has caused the blood to flood my brain again and I feel the room start to spin. I place my head in my hands to steady myself.

  “I don’t feel well. Christopher left me. And this is the new fellow whom I should thank for catching me when I fainted on the dance floor and for keeping me warm. Remind me to do that OK?”

  “Isabella you look awful and you’re not really making sense. What do you mean Christopher left you? Where did he go? Do you need me to find him? Is that why you called?”

  “Nope. No. No.” I pause to try to make sense of it myself and I can feel all three of them looking at me very seriously. Although we are no longer touching, I can still feel the heat radiating off Nathan and I close my eyes to avoid his gaze. “I called you to pick me up because I need somewhere to stay. Christopher left me. Not here, like really left me.” I look up at Eliana and her eyes are wide with surprise. She starts picking at her nails and it is clear she is trying to figure out what to do.

  “I’m sick. I’m tired. I just want to go to sleep. Please, can we just go?” Her brain lurches into gear and she rushes over to gather my things. Eric joins her and they practically carry me out to her waiting car. She waves Eric off and insists that we will be fine. As we are pulling out of the driveway I catch a glimpse of Nathan leaning against a pillar of the hotel watching us go.

  Chapter 5

  Eliana tucks me into her guest bedroom and I sleep. When I wake up it is still dark. I drink the glass of water in the nightstand and head for the bathroom. As I toddle back out again Eliana meets me in the hallway.

  “What time is it?”

  “It’s about midnight on Saturday, Isabella. You’ve slept for nearly 24 hours. How are you feeling?”

  “I’m starving actually. Has it really been 24 hours?”

  “Yes. And there are a lot of people who are worried about you. That Nathan guy called twice, half of the equestrian team has stopped by with multiple pints of ice cream, and I’m pretty sure your Dad is about to commandeer a helicopter. You better make a few phone calls. Can I make you some soup?”

  “Let’s skip the soup. I need a cheeseburger. The Fort? And how on earth did my dad find out?” I think about it for a moment and then it becomes clear. Eric. That’s the downside of being a General’s daughter. Every Marine on the planet thinks it his duty to protect and report.

  Eliana is a little unsure of taking me out after I’ve been so sick but I manage to convince her and we head for The Fort. It’s basically a truck stop, but the food there is actually home cooked and amazing. On the way I call my Dad. It turns out that Eric only told him that I had passed out at the reception but my Dad has put a bit more of the picture together. He apparently called the apartment and talked with Christopher. I can hear the interrogation in my head.

  “What do you mean she is not there? And you don’t know where she is? So I’m to understand that you left my daughter to pass out on a crowded dance floor and you just walked away? If this is how you are going to take care of my daughter son, then...” I don’t even want to think about how he finished the sentence.

  But with me he is warm and concerned. I try to reassure him that I am fine, just had a little virus, and am headed out for a cheeseburger now. It’s when the conversation turns to Christopher that I start to struggle. I realize that that he is the one person who didn’t call. This strikes me as a very bad sign. He must have heard by now that I am sick. He doesn’t even to want to know if I am OK? How do you go from engaged to indifference in a 24 hour period?

  My father takes my silence as his cue. “Look Isabella, I don’t know what is going on with you two and I trust you to make your own choices, but I’ve spent a lot of time with men. And the ones who walk away are almost always not worth going after.”

  I close my eyes and let the pain of what he says sink in. There’s part of me that knows he’s right but I’m
not sure I’m ready to admit that. “Thank you Daddy.” I whisper, and then hang up the phone and wipe the tears from my cheek.

  The call to my friend Annette goes much smoother. She is thrilled to hear from me and is more than happy to pass on the news that I have returned to the land of the living to the rest of the equestrian team. I thank them for the ice cream and insist that I will bring it to our practice on Thursday. She completely avoids the topic of Christopher but I am sure they are all wondering about what is going on. If I knew myself I might try to fill her in, but at this point I feel as in the dark as anyone.

  “So wait, you said Nathan called?” I ask Eliana.

  “Yep- He insisted that he didn’t want to bother you and that he was just making sure that you were OK. Once this morning and once just a few hours ago. Are you going to call him back?”

  “I’m not sure. I don’t actually have his number and I don’t really know him. Funny that it’s the complete stranger that actually cares enough to call.”

  She glances as me to acknowledge absence of Christopher and the implications of what I just said. “I’m so sorry Honey. I don’t understand what happened.”

  “That makes two of us.” I sigh. To catch her up I start from dinner on Thursday and walk through each of my interactions with Christopher to the dance floor Friday. Eliana is my best friend so she has a little more insight than most. She has been there when he became cold and distant because we were goofing off and leaving for the library in our flannel PJs or painting our faces to cheer on our friends rowing crew. He sighed and left the room when we made a pact to do the polar bear plunge. He was actually furious when he heard us talking about jumping off of Wheelock Bridge as a post-graduation celebration. We both knew that he hated her, but we never suspected that he was coming to hate me.

  I order a cheeseburger, sweet potato fries, and chocolate cream pie for dinner. Even I’m surprised when I eat every bite. The food does help, but I start to feel exhausted again so we head back and I snuggle in for another night in my best friend’s guest room. How did it come to this?

  Sunday is a brand new day. I wake up feeling so much better and full of energy. It’s only when I realize that this is the last day I have before the weekend is over and I have to face the world that I start to get anxious. I check my phone, still no contact from Christopher. I check my e-mail. No Christopher, but there are e-mails from Dr. Sandling, James, and my mom.

  “Your father called. Please call when you are up to it.”

  Wow. If Dad called her they must both really be worried. They are both wonderful people, separately. I can actually never remember them talking on the phone. Messages and arrangements are always sent through me or over e-mail. Even in person they go quiet and stand at opposites ends of the room. I make a mental note to call her, but in the mean time I have to figure out what to do next. It’s been almost 36 hours since Christopher walked away from me. He hasn't called or e-mailed. I know he is alive because my father has spoken with him.

  I know it’s silly, but I don’t want to be the first one to make contact. Shouldn’t he be trying to find me? Shouldn’t he be worried? I make a plan with Eliana to drive by the apartment and see if he is there. If not, we’ll run in and grab some of my stuff and try to make it out before he comes back.

  His car is gone so we decide to try. I find myself sneaking up the front steps and listening at the door to see if there is any noise. This is crazy. I can’t believe I am sneaking into my own house.

  What I find when I open the door knocks the breath out of me. Half of our furniture is gone and there is a note on the kitchen table that says, “The apartment is yours. I’m sorry. -Christopher.”

  I hand the note to Eliana and sit down in the middle of the kitchen floor and cry. I can’t seem to stop and I’m embarrassed but grateful when Eliana joins me on the floor with a box of Kleenex. I lie back and am grounded a bit by the feel of the cold tile through my shirt and I just stare at the ceiling and wonder how I got it so wrong.

  After a few minutes I start to think about how strange this moment is, lying on my back next to my best friend on the kitchen floor on a Sunday afternoon. I take her hand in mine and squeeze.

  “I love you Eliana.”

  “I love you too, Honey. You’re going to be just fine.”

  Chapter 6

  From: Elizabeth Sandling

  To: Isabella Scott

  Re: Grant Submission

  Isabella,

  I’ve moved up the grant planning meeting to 8am and I’m hoping you will be there. I think we should include some of the data from your thesis as pilot data.

  Hope you are feeling better.

  - E

  Work. I love work. This is true most any day, but today it is especially true. Almost no one at work knows about Christopher and even those that do won’t really care. These are my people. They know me for what I do in the lab. They love me for my organization, and promptness, and well referenced lit reviews. I can do this.

  I join Dr. Sandling, James, Nathan, and Kara in the conference room and am immediately put at ease by James and his million megawatt smile.

  “Lunch today Boss?

  “I can’t James.” I frown. “I have a lunch meeting.”

  “Dinner?”

  “Persistent aren’t you?” I laugh. “Can’t again. I have to go see my boy.” He gives me a quizzical look and I realize that everyone has stopped to look at me. So much for no one caring about Christopher. “My horse.” I clarify. “Sorry, I know it throws people off when I call him my boy. He was there before I had a real boy..... and apparently after.” I add sheepishly.

  “Nathan is a big horse person too. Didn’t you say that you own a few horses?” James looks expectedly at Nathan.

  Nathan looks up at me directly and nods. He looks like he is waiting for my cue. I am trying to decide whether to engage. Horse people like each other. Total strangers will spend hours in excited conversation when they realize that they both ride. I should be excited to learn this.

  But the eye contact with him takes my mind away from horses and I find myself reliving Friday night and the feel of his body pressed against mine. I blush and my entire body feels warm. I can see the edge of his lips curl into a quick flash of a smile and I remember my thoughts from Friday afternoon. I know he feels dangerous, and if the last few days have taught me anything, it is that even the safe ones aren’t safe. He would most certainly be deadly.

  “Interesting.” I state with as much indifference as I can muster. “So what were you guys thinking about the grant?” I’m relieved that the rest of the meeting is focused on work. After I go directly to my office and stay there. The day seems to fly by.

  I decide to skip dinner and head straight up to the barn. After a long ride in the arena I talk my gelding LB out onto the trail for some quiet. The truth is that I just don’t want to go home. We stop in the clearing and I let him graze for a minute while I just sit and look at the stars.

  The tears slide down my cheeks in silence and I have never felt lonelier in my life. I can’t figure out where I went wrong but I am sure that it is my fault. I make a vow to myself to spend as much time with this boy as possible and I give him a little pat on his neck.

  More importantly, I make a vow to avoid the other type of boys. Four days ago I was ready to spend the rest of my life with a man who just packed up everything he owned and walked away from me. I’m not ready to say never again, but not for a really long time.

  Tuesday I am even more successful with my isolation. I keep my door closed at work and no one knocks. I leave right after and head to the barn and LB and I take a long ride through the cross country course. I leave my phone in the center console of my car most of the day and by the time I make it home I decide it’s too late to answer any of the calls from my mom or dad or friends. Other than a few polite hellos I haven't spoken to another human being all day. I’m grateful for the thought and wonder what I would have to do to continue the trend for as long
as possible. I start to wrap myself in the loneliness as I drift off to another night of fitful sleep.

  Wednesday is my work from home day so I spend the morning in my PJs sipping hot tea and staring blankly at the grant I’m supposed to be working on. I make the mistake of checking my phone in the afternoon and there is a text reminding me of my soccer game tonight and begging me to come because we are going to be short on both male and female subs. I play in a coed recreational league so I could easily skip it, but I’ve been the player who has to play the whole game before so I don’t want to punish someone else for my depression. I decide not to waste energy on a shower and reluctantly throw on my gear.

  I’m walking past the doors to the gym just as James is walking in. He gives me another one of his beautiful smiles and stops to talk.

  “Hey Boss. You know if I didn’t know better I would think you are dressed for a bit of running. What happened to not running unless you’re chasing something or something is chasing you?” I can’t help but smile. I really like this guy.

  “Exactly. I have a soccer game. It’s a game defined by chasing around this little black and white ball. Very entertaining. In fact, I think we are short on subs. Do you want to come play with us? It’s just a rec league and my team is really fun.”

  “I can’t say I’ll be a real asset, but sure. Sounds great. Let me just tell Nathan. We were going to go for a run together but I’m sure he would love to play too.”

  I watch him jog off toward the gym and all I can think is, crap.

  My friend Tania’s eyes grow large and round as I walk up with James and Nathan. I introduce them and she actually blushes and starts to stutter. James loves it and flirts with her as he asks about the team and where she would like him to play. It turns out the other team we are playing is short a man so Nathan volunteers to play for them. Nathan doesn’t seem to notice Tania’s continued enamor and instead looks down and me and gives me that amused half smile. I narrow my eyes at him and he looks at me quizzically.