A moment that Lucy wasn’t a part of. She and Alexis had only had each other for so long, and now Alexis had her own family. Lucy had been pushed out.
Panic, fiery and foul, bubbled in her. Disgust rose in her throat. She had to get out of here. If she didn’t she might burst. I can’t let her know. It might cut that thin thread of a relationship she still had with her sister.
With blurry eyes, she rushed out of the room. Ryan met her, his forehead wrinkled, and his look penetrated her. Why couldn’t she hide anything from him? “We have to go,” she said tightly, reaching for her coat. “I have to go.”
“You can’t just leave,” he whispered. “It’ll hurt your sister’s feelings.” He took hold of her shoulders, stopping her frantic movements.
“If I stay I’ll hurt her more,” she responded in quiet desperation.
Alexis and Sam joined them.
Lucy kept her back to them as she gathered her and Ryan’s coat from the chair. “We have to go. Ryan’s been paged. He has a patient he needs to check on.”
“Can’t you stay, Lucy?” Alexis said. The disappointment in her voice grabbed at Lucy’s heart.
“I have to go with him. We’re part of a special program. We have to see all the patients at the same time. Co-ordinated patient care.” She needed to slow down. Her words were running together.
“Surely you don’t have to make every visit,” Alexis insisted. “We haven’t really gotten to talk. I wanted us to have a real visit.”
“This is a patient in the ER.” Lucy slid her arm inside the sleeve of her coat as Ryan held it. She glanced at Alexis and came undone. The disappointment in her sister’s eyes made her heart clench. She was hurting Alexis, and she couldn’t stop herself. Her feelings were a huge monster rising up to consume her.
“Oh, well, I guess I understand.” Alexis didn’t sound as if she did. “We’ll see you tomorrow, won’t we?”
Ryan shrugged into his jacket and joined Lucy at the door. She looked at him and the worry in his eyes said he was only going along with her lies in order not to upset her sister further. The thin line of his lips said clearly he wasn’t pleased.
As Lucy opened the door she said, “I’ll have to see how it goes at work. I’ll give you a call.” She reached out and managed to give Alexis as brief and soothing a hug as she could manage.
Ryan waited until they were out of the apartment and in the dim light of the street before he asked, “Lucy, what happened?”
“I just couldn’t stay there any longer.”
She started down the street at a quick pace. Even with his long strides he had to work to keep up with her. “Come on, Lucy. Talk to me. I thought you were doing great.”
Releasing a huff of indignation loud enough to draw the attention of others passing by, she said, “No, I wasn’t. That…” she waved a hand in the direction they’d come from “…was my sister. She defended me. Took care of me. Supported and encouraged me all our lives. And me, I can’t even be happy for her.” The last few words came out almost as a sob.
Ryan grabbed her arm, stopping her in the middle of the sidewalk. “Lucy, listen.”
She jerked her arm away and continued walking. “I don’t want to talk about it any more.”
He followed a few steps behind her, letting her work off her anger and frustration. When she’d cooled down he’d hail them a cab. Three blocks later she paused at the cross streets. She looked up at the buildings as if searching for a landmark, then at the street signs, before her head went down and her shoulders slumped. She had no idea which direction to turn. His heart broke for her. She was lost, both emotionally and physically.
The innate need to protect and support this proud woman who gave to and cared for others so wholeheartedly welled up in him. She’d given her sister the supreme gift of a child but couldn’t see that because of the all-consuming dislike she felt for herself for desiring the same things out of life. Being around her had forced him to open up emotionally again. In that way, she’d even given him a gift.
He needed her. He didn’t know how it had happened but it had.
Catching up to her, he pulled her securely against him and wrapped his arms around her. She didn’t struggle. He held her a minute then raised a hand to get the attention of a passing cab driver. She said nothing as they waited for the yellow car to pull to the curb. “Come on, honey. It’s time to go home.”
Lucy used a determined voice to correct Ryan when he gave his address to the cab driver. “No, I want to go home.” She told the driver her street. He looked at Ryan for confirmation. Ryan nodded.
She allowed him to hold her close, appreciating his strength. How could he possibly stand to be around someone who resented her own sister’s happiness? She didn’t like herself and she couldn’t comprehend how he could either. Ryan was far too fine a man to have anything to do with a person who didn’t have the capacity to love unconditionally.
The drive to her apartment was too short because she didn’t want to lose the feel of being in Ryan’s arms but too long because all she wanted to do was crawl into bed, curl up in a ball and pretend she didn’t exist. As the driver pulled onto her street she said, “Ryan, keep the cab. I’ll be fine going up myself.”
“I’m coming with you.” The tic in his jaw and the tone of his voice said he wouldn’t be dismissed that easily.
Their feet made clomping noises as they climbed the worn wooden stairs to her floor. Ryan’s hand rested at the slope of her back. She was exhausted in mind, body and particularly spirit. When she was unsuccessful at putting her key into the door lock the second time, Ryan took it from her and opened the door. He followed her in and closed the door behind him.
She went to her bed and sank down on it. He came toward her and she looked up. Why didn’t he go home? “I’d like to be alone.”
“Lucy…” He sounded so unsure. “Don’t push me away. I want to help. But I don’t know how.”
“You did what you could by being there with me tonight. There’s nothing more you can do.”
“But you’ve got to work this through. Go back and talk to your sister. If not now, call her in the morning.”
“I can’t.”
Ryan paced to the window and back. “No, that’s not true. It’s that you won’t.” He sounded disgusted.
She jumped up, faced him. “How can you say that? I did what you wanted. I went to see Alexis. Did you see what happened? I couldn’t handle it.”
Ryan’s look didn’t waver as he leaned toward her. “No, I didn’t see that. What I saw was you trying despite your fear. You made the effort. You care about your sister. Emily. Even Sam. Everyone. And they care about you. You may not see it but I do. In fact, you wouldn’t be this upset if you didn’t care.”
“I can’t tell her how I feel. She wouldn’t understand. How can I explain what I don’t understand?” She buried her face in her hands. “I’m just too ashamed.”
He let out an exasperated breath. “Doing brain surgery is easier than getting through to you.”
She glared at him. “You making a joke isn’t going to make this one go away, Ryan. You can’t make this all better for me. I’ve decided to stay out of my sister’s life. It’s for the best.”
“This isn’t the real you. Where’s that woman who told me off and made it clear I wasn’t her date at a party? The one so intriguing to me that I couldn’t stay away from her? The one who made me want to get involved no matter how hard I tried not to? The one willing to fight for her patients?”
She sat on the edge of the bed again and looked up at him. “I don’t know. Maybe she never really existed. I’m such a phony anyway. I tell families all the time what they need to do or how to act, and I can’t even get my own life straight. I’m a mess.
“Ryan, you’re a good guy. You cared for your father, your sisters and now I come along and you’re stepping in to support me. I can’t do that to you. I think I just need time alone to figure out my life. I don’t want to ruin yours.”
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Ryan stepped back as if she had slapped him, hard. “Lucy, you’re wrong. Way wrong. I swore never to carry the emotional needs of others ever again after my father died. I promised myself I’d never completely open up to my patients or anyone else again and then you came along. I want to be here for you. You’re making a choice to be miserable. Your sister loves you. I care for you, and you won’t accept either.”
She raised her chin “You think Alexis is going to love me after I tell her how I feel?”
“I do. She showed how much she cares just by coming all this way to see you. I saw it when her eyes lit up when she opened the door. She’s concerned for how you are doing. That’s a plus in your life. Don’t throw it away. Sometimes we just have to do some hard things because we love someone. Some really difficult things. Talk to her. Work through this.”
“That’s right, Mr. Bottle-Up-All-Your-Feelings wants me to bare my soul to my sister and hurt her more.”
Ryan stalked toward her stepping into her personal space. “What do you want me to bare? That my father was the strongest man I’ve ever known and that I watched him slowly disappear? That I sat by his bed every minute I wasn’t at school or working? That I saw fear in his eyes that I knew had to match mine? That I became responsible for my sisters during the worst time in our lives? Is that what you want me to share? Is that enough sharing for you? Enough to let you know I care deeply? That I do care about you?”
“Ryan, I just can’t do this now. I don’t know what to think.”
Shaking his head, he looked at her. “You’re a bright, sensitive, caring person, Lucy. Don’t push Alexis away. And don’t push me away.”
“My sister was the one steady thing in my life. How can I feel this way towards her?”
Ryan sat on the bed beside her and put an arm around her shoulders. “I want to be the constant person in your life now. I know this isn’t the perfect time, heck, it’s probably the worst time in the history of mankind to tell you I love you. But there it is. I do. I’m here for you.”
Her heart raced. She stared at him in disbelief. How could he? She was a mess. She didn’t even love herself right now. “Please don’t.” She moved away from him and knew she’d regret it for the rest of her life but she had to.
He took her hand. “I understand you better than you think. I know how tough caring can be. What it’s like to wish the person you love more than anyone else in the world would die quickly for their sake while at the same time wanting to hang onto them for as long as you can. I know what it is like to wish for something you can’t have. Lucy, I’m offering you something you can have.”
“No, Ryan, I can’t let you love me.”
He let go of her hand and stared down at her as if defeated. His beautiful blue eyes held shadows that she’d put there. “You don’t get a choice in that,” he said slowly.
She crossed her arms over her chest. “You don’t get it. I don’t know how to love. To really love. I’ve failed my sister. I’m failing you now. How can you love this messed-up, screwed-up me?” He just looked at her with a mixture of astonishment and sadness in his eyes. She studied his face, wanting with all her heart to give him what he asked for. But she couldn’t.
He leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Goodbye, Lucy.”
His kisses the night before had been all fire and passion, but the simple caress of his lips on her cheek held a devastating finality that filled her with a grief bone deep.
Apart from when Ryan had followed his father’s casket down the aisle of the church, walking down the stairs and away from Lucy was the longest journey of Ryan’s existence. For once in his life he’d opened his heart to someone and she’d shoved it back at him.
Lucy wasn’t who he’d thought she was. He wanted the woman who’d shown such spunk when he’d made her mad. The one who’d had the fortitude to carry a child for her sister, the strength to move away from everything she knew to one of the largest cities in the world and to share her pain with him. Why couldn’t he make her see that she had what it took to talk to her sister?
He pushed the door to his condo open. Dumping his wallet and keys on the bar in the kitchen, he climbed the stairs to his room. He stopped in the doorway and looked at the bed.
That morning Lucy had insisted, “We can’t leave it undone. I make my bed every morning.”
“And I have a housekeeper who comes in twice a week.”
When she started shaking out the sheet, he’d taken the other side to help.
As he’d tucked a corner she’d said, “Hey, you can’t just wad that up and put it under there.” She circled the bed, reaching down to pull the material out.
“Don’t tell me how I’m supposed to make a bed,” he’d said, sounding as indignant as possible before he’d grabbed her and rolled her onto the bed. She’d giggled. He’d shared her mirth. He hadn’t laughed so freely since before his father had become sick. Had almost forgotten how good it felt to be alive. Happily alive.
He’d kissed her and that was all it had taken. They’d not taken time to remove their clothes and she hadn’t seemed to mind. In fact, his desperate need for her had seemed to fuel her own. She’d crawled on top and had taken over their lovemaking.
That’s what it had been. Him loving her. He’d not recognized it then but it was clear now. So much so that it hurt to look at the bed, to remember. His body ached from the mere thought of her.
Walking to the dark brown chair that faced the window, he plopped down, put his legs across the matching footstool and crossed his ankles. The lights of the city had lost some of their luster. Scooting his butt forward, he braced his head against the back of the chair and closed his eyes. He wouldn’t be sleeping in his bed tonight.
Lucy curled under her sheets still fully clothed and pulled her legs to her chest, becoming a ball. She buried her head in a pillow and let the tears flow. It had been horrible when she’d left Alexis and Emily behind and moved to New York. But nothing compared to giving up Ryan.
She’d hurt him. He’d said he loved her and she’d thrown it back in his face. She was unworthy of his love. She missed Ryan’s arms being around her, his strong, calming presence. It had taken him no time to become embedded in her life.
She’d slept next to Ryan for only one night but she already missed his warm body pressed against hers. What did he see in her? She was a mess. Here she was supposed to be helping others and she couldn’t even handle her own life.
How had her world spun so out of control? How could she ever face him at work again? Maybe she should speak to Mr. Matherson and see if she could be reassigned to another neurosurgeon. No, she couldn’t do that. It might damage Ryan’s career if she did. She couldn’t hurt him like that. She’d just have to endure and be the professional she was known to be. But could she stand the pain of seeing him daily?
CHAPTER NINE
“THE PATIENT’S DOING as expected,” Ryan informed the assembly around him in the hallway of the neurosurgery floor midmorning. The group didn’t include Lucy. She’d excused herself as soon as they had come out of the patient’s room. He had to make an effort not to watch her walk away. They’d not spoken since he’d left her apartment three days earlier.
It was up to Lucy to make the first move. She was the one who’d pushed him away. She’d never said she loved him. Despite being distraught about her issues with her sister, she’d sounded very clear-headed where he was concerned. Learning to live with her decision was going to be difficult. Even harder was accepting it. Compounding the issue was having to continue to work together.
She’d taken care of her responsibilities, making meticulous notes on patient charts. His clinical nurse questioned him a couple of times about an issue that Lucy had noted but which she hadn’t directly spoken to him about. In fact, she refused to look at him. She was living by the letter of the law regarding their co-operative patient care but there was no spirit of partnership in her actions any more.
He grieved for her. Only by sheer iron w
ill did he not go in search of her or ask about her. She’d made her feelings clear. How could they have been so in sync and now have an ocean-wide chasm between them? He missed the peaceful, quiet way she’d had about her. How she’d made his hectic, often stressful life easier just by being near.
Helping her was impossible. She had to work out her issues on her own. He’d offered her love and his support and she’d pushed them away. He was paying dearly for it.
The worst was the physical ache. His body craved her, making his nights almost longer than his sanity could tolerate.
Having a few minutes before starting his weekly paperwork, he headed across the street and into Central Park. He needed to get out, away. Clear his head. As large as the hospital was, it still closed in on him, knowing that Lucy was so near but still so untouchable.
He strolled around a bend on the paved walkway and there sat his nemesis and love of his heart. She looked out over the lake, her face held up to the sun and her lunch spread out on the bench beside her. His body went on full alert. Every fiber of his being wanted to reach out and snatch her to him. Thankfully, his pride held him in check.
Her eyes opened, widened. Had she heard him or just sensed someone was near? She looked as if she was debating whether or not to ignore him. She squared her shoulders and looked directly at him.
“Hello, Ryan,” she said. The sounds of the city were hushed by the foliage of the trees and bushes. The few voices he could make out were in the distance. It would have been a perfect opportunity to take her in his arms for a kiss. But if he did that he would want more. A little of Lucy would never be enough. He wanted it all and he wanted her to want it all too.
A thin smile came to his lips. She was tough. He’d give her that. Far tougher than he was. But, then, she didn’t care about him as he cared for her. She had never once said she loved him. Forcing a foot forward, he came to stand in front of her. “Lucy.” His traitorous body hummed, being near her. She’d crushed his heart and still he wanted her so desperately it was almost a living thing, crawling to be released. “Could I speak to you a minute?”
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