by T. F. Walsh
In the evenings, when all hope of seeing Caleb fled, she spent her hours skimming through the city for an example of what she wanted to show Caleb. Admittedly, her scope was limited to a smallish sphere of homes that lay in a circle outside the government buildings. She felt nothing that she recognized as love among the couples there, not even a longing for it. It wasn’t as though they regretted its lack. It simply wasn’t for them. She was going to have to ask Caleb to venture again into the human world, and he wouldn’t be pleased. She sensed his regret over giving her too much freedom and his worry that he had put them both in jeopardy by what he deemed a too casual disregard for the laws and preferences of his people. Yet, how could they continue frozen, suspended as they were now?
It was nearly dusk. Caleb would be in his room, sitting in the window, the same window from which he had watched over her while she was held captive months ago. From his memories, she recalled that he had not, before that time, found any reason to sit perched there, but it called to him these days as it had so many weeks before. She doubted that he was fully aware of his reasons for returning to rest there.
Opening the door to her room, she stepped into the hall, waiting a moment, allowing her guard to adjust to her presence. She had learned that her sudden impulses made her rotating escort anxious and put them on the alarm. Knowing she was going to walk herself into the king’s chambers, she didn’t want to make them more anxious than necessary. As the guard visibly calmed, she walked past him, without once glancing directly at him. The less she said, the less likely he would be to question her. If she simply pretended that she had the power to go where she would, she knew the vampire would likely allow her to move around the palace freely. Libby was sure Caleb had given the guard such a command, but over the last few weeks, she had noticed their growing hesitance.
Since she needed a guard willing to follow her lead, she slowed as she neared Caleb’s quarters, knowing the Guard would want to precede her into the king’s chamber.
The guard, whose name she had learned was Nevan, stepped before her and quietly knocked on Caleb’s door, something done out of habit or respect, surely, as Caleb would have heard their approach. After a brief moment, perhaps time for Caleb to order them to leave, Nevan spoke, “Sir, it is the wolf. She has come to speak with you.” They waited a few moments more; when still they heard nothing, Nevan opened the door for her and stepped out of the way to allow her to enter. As she walked past him, he closed the door.
Caleb was standing. He said nothing and merely raised his eyebrow at her.
“So, we’ve gone full circle then, have we?”
“What can I do for you, Libby?”
“Are we friends or not, Caleb?”
When he said nothing, his forehead wrinkling in a unique blend of confused exasperation, she demanded, “Answer me, Caleb.”
“Yes. Yes, of course we are. Why? Why would you ask that?”
“Caleb, I’ve been here for almost a month with only myself for company. The accommodations are nicer, certainly, but you can see that this place is nearly as much a prison as the cell I was in when I first came here, can’t you?”
“Yes.”
“And this is how you intend it to be, I think.”
“Yes,” he answered again, simply, but this time she heard the strain in his answer and felt his unwillingness to say it out loud. “Honestly, I would not do this to you if I did not think it kept you safe.”
“I did not come here to blame you, but I can’t willingly submit to this either, not quietly at any rate. It’s important for me to take care of myself, to protect myself. Don’t treat me as my father has done, Caleb.”
He said nothing, but his glance was accusatory, wounded.
“If you wish to help me you will need at least to talk to me first. I am not your child, and I won’t be treated like one.”
“I haven’t — ”
“Yes you have. I am not saying that your decision to return here was wrong. I am not, really, even questioning the decisions you’ve made since we’ve been here.”
“Well, that’s gracious of you,” he mumbled sarcastically though she suspected that he was trying to hide his discomfort from her.
“You have placed me under guard, and I can understand your reasons, and I won’t even question the logic behind your fear of talking to me — ”
“I wasn’t afraid to talk to you.”
“Of course, you weren’t,” she muttered.
“Damn it, Libby, I’m serious,” he said. “I was not afraid of it. I simply didn’t think it prudent — ”
“So you’re saying you aren’t afraid of exposing our friendship to your little vampire buddies?”
“This is not a playground, Libby. They are not my buddies, and it’s a good deal more complicated than — ”
“So you are afraid?”
“Libby … ” he threatened.
“Caleb, the time for your next shift is coming. I want us to leave the city that night. Tell them whatever seems reasonable. Tell them that you are leaving the city to experiment with the changes in your shifts. Tell them you are king and you will do as you please. Tell them whatever you want, but we are leaving the city then. I want to have our final lesson.”
“Don’t push this, Libby. You can’t choreograph some plot you’ve made up in your mind. You don’t understand — ”
“No, you don’t understand. I am leaving that night, and I am inviting you to come with me. That’s all,” she said finally, turning from him before he could make a reply.
• • •
The room was loud and completely disorienting. Why hadn’t she considered how he would feel surrounded by humans, a long parade of grocery, basically. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. And doomed from the beginning.
“I’m sorry. I should have thought this through better. You’re probably hungry, and distracted by the dancing buffet,” she called out over the music in the room.
“I’m a little hungry, but you — this,” he said, waving his hand between the two of them. “What we’re trying to do here is more distracting, not to mention the storm I am sure will be awaiting us when we return home,” he muttered, sighing. “I’m worried about us. Whatever appetite I might have had is gone. The humans are safe,” he said, glancing around. “They certainly are strange, aren’t they?”
“Should we try blending in?” she asked hesitantly, curving her shoulders toward Caleb, moving closer. Frankly, she was intimidated: the room was flooded with humans, with noise. The club was large, and chairs, sofas, and bodies filled every available space.
“Blend in? Why? Do you imagine we stand out?”
“I feel like I do. I don’t feel like I belong here.”
“Yet, you wanted to come here.”
“Yes.”
“And you still want to be here, I think.”
“Yes, well, sort of. I don’t want to be here, but I think — I thought — it might be the kind of place where I could … but I’m not sure. It’s not what I thought it would be.”
“Calm down. It’ll be ok. If this isn’t the place, we’ll leave and find the right place. Ok?”
“All right.”
“For now, let’s try this blending thing.”
“All right,” she repeated, more than willing to follow his lead.
Caleb pulled her toward him.
• • •
It was easier than he thought it would be. This wasn’t exactly dancing, though, was it? He mimicked the human males, shuffling his feet in rhythm and, essentially, like the men around him, using the music as an excuse to touch the woman he was with.
He had long considered this new generation of humans to be completely lacking the culture, sophistication, or intelligence of earlier eras, but perhaps they weren’t as foolish as they seemed. They had certainly arrang
ed this dancing business rather nicely. Evolution, indeed.
Libby was smiling smugly at him, with her eyebrows arched up. He recognized her look as one of his own. Had she caught the gist of his thoughts?
For a several minutes, they remained that way, simply looking at each other, moving to the music, moving closer together. She leaned toward him, exhaled loudly, and then said into his ear, “Come with me.”
“Where?” he mouthed back at her.
“It’s time for class,” she answered, leaning toward him.
“Here?” he yelled, surprised.
“Here,” she yelled back.
“You must be kidding me,” he said. His voice was low and threatening.
“No,” she said, calmly enough, but he didn’t believe it. She had to be as concerned as he was.
He pulled her closer to him, talking into her ear, hoping to convince her to see reason. “There’s no protection. No cover. Do you really mean to start your magic here? I know we’re surrounded by humans, but even mortals can be dangerous. And we certainly don’t need to risk exposure.”
She leaned back a little, and looked into his eyes. “We need to do this. And I think we need to do it here.”
“Why. Just tell me why.”
“It’s complicated, but there’s something I need to show you, and I think you need to see it here.”
“Can’t we just go outside and reach our way in?”
“No, not unless you want me to get half naked on a city rooftop. Look, the closer we are to the source, the easier it is for me to project it to you. This feeling is complicated. Layered. I need to be close to it to show it to you. Ok?”
“I’m not sure about this.”
“Hey, you said you wanted to understand your feelings about me, didn’t you? Well, this is a part of it. Do you wanna know or not?”
• • •
As though he had a headache, he lifted his hand and rubbed the edge of his palm against his temple. He didn’t answer right away.
Yeah, she was being a bit pushy. So sue her. This was dangerous, and she wasn’t really crazy about sitting in the middle of a crowded club and working her magic. But that’s not what had her wanting to run for cover. She’d been building up to this. She had shown him friendship. She had shown him family. And now she had to somehow show him that they both wanted to be lovers.
Even in an ordinary relationship, this moment would make her insecure. Worrying about whether or not your boyfriend liked you or if he thought you were pretty was basically all part and parcel of the whole (terrifying) dating thing. But normally, the boy would have been eager and willing to reassure her. After all, any self-respecting girl wasn’t going to let a boy get near her if she didn’t trust that he really liked her. But, in this bizarre turn of events, she was actually having to convince him that he wanted her. To top it all off, she was worried that maybe he didn’t really feel that way. Or, if he did, he wouldn’t be able to admit it. God, what would she do if he bolted on her? She had always been a freak. It suited her. She’d gotten used to it. But couldn’t just one thing go according to plan?
“Yes.”
“Yes, what?” She’d lost her train of thought. God, what question had she just asked?
“What do you mean ‘Yes, what?’ How much clearer could I be? Yes, I want to know.”
“Oh. Ok.”
She grabbed his hand and walked off the dance floor, into one of the back corners. She reached one of the sofas, grabbed Caleb’s hands, and made him sit down. Then, moving his legs around, she made room for herself in front of him. To anyone else, they would seem just like any other couple, snuggled together, watching the dancers. Reaching back, she took Caleb’s hands in hers and wrapped them around her middle, and leaned her back into his body, cradling her head in the crook of his neck. This was the reverse of their normal position, less like teacher and student and more like a couple, as it should be. As it could be.
As Caleb waited behind her, she busily scanned the pairs around them. There were far too many strangers who wanted to be, well, a lot less than strangers to each other. They certainly wouldn’t work for what she wanted to show him. For a while, it seemed that this place was as empty of what she felt as the vampire city had been.
But there, finally, toward the center of the dance floor was a laughing couple she had noticed before. It reminded her enough of what she probably looked like with Caleb: happy, eager, alive. She studied them a little longer, but they seemed perfect.
“Well, shall we?” she whispered.
“Let’s,” he muttered, nodding his head.
At first all that concerned the couple was dancing together, the random touches, the exhilaration of moving as a pair to music. The girl laughed, having fun, not flirtatiously, simply pleased by being with him. He made her happy. He enjoyed her laughing. A careless dancer, he was nervous that she might be laughing at him, but every time she hugged him and kept dancing, he knew her laughter was meant for him, to help him have a good time. Soon they were laughing together. The rest of the crowd forgotten, the boy moved without self-consciousness. For him, at least for the time being, it was just the two of them.
Putting his hands at the back of her neck, he made her nervous, excited, embarrassed. He stared at her, smiling. Then he looked steadily at her lips. He wanted to kiss her. He thought her lips were beautiful and was suddenly slightly obsessed with the idea of tasting them. The idea was strange in his mind. He hadn’t thought such words to be real. After hearing them in films before, he was surprised to think them himself, but he did want to taste them and to feel how soft they were. He started laughing at himself, and she knew he had become too nervous to kiss her. Well, at least, she thought he was. She wanted to help him along, but was unsure how to do it.
Lifting her left hand she grabbed his hand in her hand, pulling him closer to her. They continued to get closer, closer, closer, but still they did not kiss. Looking at each other, they both uttered unspoken promises. They would keep the other safe, from other people, from themselves. The girl was the first to break eye contact. When she looked back up at the boy, she smiled at him shyly, questioning. He nodded his head, and they left, abandoning the noisy club for whatever else waited for them outside.
As Libby pulled away from their connection, she couldn’t decide if she was happy that the couple was less obvious than they might have been. It saved her some embarrassment and gave her some wiggle room, but what if Caleb was still confused? Or what if he wasn’t confused? What if he knew? What if he hated her? Honestly, she didn’t dare look back at him. Libby closed her eyes and waited.
After a few seconds, Libby tilted quickly to the left as Caleb pulled away from her and scrambled from the sofa.
Chapter 31: STALEMATE
In the days and weeks following Libby’s last lesson, Caleb lost himself in his work. He did it ceaselessly, without rest, and without a thought for himself or for Libby. Perhaps such thoughtlessness was why he did it. Without a break from work, Libby and his feelings were marginalized to the point of obscurity, a senseless scribble on the edge of what mattered to his people. In all his talks of war and politics he felt safe from what truly threatened him — his love for a woman.
Caleb was avoiding her. Ashamed, he thought he understood what she had wanted to show him, but he had gotten so much wrong.
He wanted to share everything with Libby. But lust, desire. These words were dark to Caleb and empty. His people felt compassion, love, connection. But to be ruled by bodily compulsion … he blamed all such feelings on the wolf inside.
He was afraid to see Libby, feeling obligated to apologize yet scared to learn what she wanted from him. Desire like he witnessed last night would prove disastrous to his people and to Libby. For all his logic, he refused to synthesize all that happened. He wanted to imagine her shocked by a realization as sudden as
his own. But she had known before. Of course, she had known. Yet to acknowledge that terrified him.
He would go to her soon, very soon. He was determined to confront her. But for now, he did not dare approach her.
• • •
Libby, for her part, busied herself with walks round and round and round the garden where she and Caleb had last talked. She tread the same path over and over so often she was afraid one day to see the grass thinned and the ground below exposed. She feared that seeing it might be like witnessing a symbol of her life laid out as one long line that was, really, a flattened circle, a compressed cycle that had no true beginning, middle, or end, all her hopes and connections leading to nothing.
The only person she spoke with now was Nevan. The other members of the King’s Guard, the other staff in the palace, and certainly the other vampires who came to the palace on official business said nothing to her. Neither did Caleb.
She was not a captive. She was not an enemy. She was not, though, a guest or a friend either. There were no more roles for her to play. She would remain here for a little while, and perhaps Caleb would return to her. If he would not … Well, she would ask to leave. She refused to believe that so much had gone wrong between them that he would tell her she was not, ultimately, free.
• • •
“Say what you will, Nevan. I assure you, you will not be punished. I doubt I will even be surprised.”
Nevan was standing before Caleb, clearly hoping for some advice in dealing with Libby and yet too nervous to ask for help.
“Come, tell me, what has she requested of you?”
“Nothing, sir. Nothing. I have come about her, however.”
“Are you having problems with her?”
“No. No, sir. She has given me little to do or worry about. She seems willing to cast herself outside the role of enemy, sir.”
“And yet, you have come?”
“She is unhappy, and, I wager, on her way to becoming ill.”
“Has she confided in you, then?”