‘All morning I walked these streets,’ he said, ‘counting the minutes until you came.’
‘I dreamt of you again last night,’ she said. She tried to look at him and smiled. ‘I have to stop dreaming of you.’ His gaze settled on her. She let herself look into his eyes and for a few seconds felt herself incline towards him, like she was falling into him. She turned her head then and looked to the pond where ducks were gliding by. On the far side a small boy held out bread. ‘I dreamt I had come to meet you, like this, now… But we were on a country road. Your hair was wet, as if you’d swum to me. You were looking around for shelter but the trees were bare and the sky was grey and you could not speak… The world was empty except for us. It wasn’t real.’
He took her hands in his. She made two small tight fists. Slowly, finger by finger, he opened them. ‘I’m real,’ he said softly. ‘I can speak.’ His eyes held hers, imploring her.
The ducks flocked close to the boy.
‘I’ve come all this way. Talk to me… please.’
‘I don’t know what to say. I’m afraid.’
He lifted her hand and kissed it. ‘I wake in the night and it’s you I see,’ he whispered.
She was afraid he would say more than she could bear. She looked away. Must we succumb to every desire, she thought, every appetite? A siren screeched from the north of the Green and startled her. And isn’t the sin in the thought, in the intention, as much as in the act? His eyes were searching her, searing into her, seeing everything. As if he were peeling back her skin, exposing every nerve, reading every nerve’s story.
The siren grew louder. She thought it was coming for her—the ambulance, the police were coming for her. ‘Tell me,’ he pleaded through the siren’s whine, ‘tell me what you want.’
‘I want my hand back,’ she said.
Immediately she regretted the hurt but did not know how to undo it. She needed his mercy then. They looked at each other. She saw what was inside him, his sorrow, his terrible striving. He was striving for something more than her—for the crux of something. He was straining for some centre, some source, something in himself that he was trying to decode. She felt his enormous struggle. She would have liked to lead him to it, and place it back inside him.
‘I brought you a present,’ he said softly and placed a small blue package in her hand.
‘What is it? Thank you. I didn’t…’
‘Don’t open it now.’
He buried his hands in his pockets and looked straight ahead. She leaned in and kissed his cheek. He hung his head, overcome. She moved close, against him, touching the side of his body. They sat completely still. Then he leaned forward, and put his head in his hands. She sensed his withdrawal, felt it as an immense loss. She knew he was moving away, scoping out from her. A new fear began to creep into her. Slowly his conjugal life rose into view. The ordinary days with a wife, children maybe; the nights, sweet and imperfect. The pain that binds people. In those moments she felt the scales tipping. She thought it was all catching up with him here, now, and that he had come to the brink. Suddenly she knew he could not violate that life; he could not inflict that wound. It would mark his heart. She looked up at the trees and watched a leaf fall to the ground at their feet. She could not bear the thought of his sorrow. She could not bear the guilt of his guilt.
‘I have to go now,’ she said.
He turned to her. ‘Please, please don’t go.’ With each word his voice seemed to ebb away. She had an image of him being lifted and placed in her arms, draped over her and she holding him, bearing his weight.
She fled the city on foot. Traffic lights and hard shiny surfaces rose to meet her and the sky pressed down on her. She reached the canal as the first drops of rain began to fall. She floated under trees. She was moving further and further out of his orbit and soon he would no longer detect her.
She rushed headlong into her kitchen and opened cupboard doors and ran water and peeled potatoes. The kitchen sounds penetrated her with their tedious comforting familiarity. She sat down with Adam and they ate in silence. She watched the summer rain fall outside.
Then she climbed the stairs. On the landing she touched her face in the mirror. She sat at her desk and opened his blue box. She lifted out a small silver bracelet with a turquoise stone at its centre and rubbed the stone between her finger and thumb. She saw her reflection in the window. She would never find a word for his loss.
She sat looking out, listening to the rain, for a long time. It would prevail, this astral presence, beyond tonight and tomorrow, beyond next week and next year. Her heart had been recast. What had happened could not be put back. She would endure it.
She switched on her laptop. She would trawl back through his mails now, feel his old words clutch at her one last time, before deletion. She signed in and waited. He was out there in the city, across rooftops, listening to the rain too. The Inbox appeared and there came, simultaneously, the delicate ping that announced new mail and she sat up and the ping lingered—so minute and pure and beautiful tonight, as if a new note had been struck and added to the scale, a tiny secret sign issuing from him, a newfound sound. Her hand trembled on the mouse. She opened his mail, read his newly minted words and felt herself capsize. She closed her eyes. She knew she could not be without him. She remembered his shoulder touching hers, his imploring eyes, and she felt herself again in his gaze—poised, silent, immaterial—and she knew she would die a thousand times at this memory, at this confluence of hearts. She leaned towards the screen and thought it was not an endurance at all, this presence, this plane, and as the night came down and the rain fell on the city it came to her that what this was—this man, this moment—what this was, most of all, was the resurrection of hope.
LITTLE DISTURBANCES
He hears music when he wakes these mornings. The notes float up from below, pouring softly into the room, and for a moment he thinks it is Miriam, Miriam perched on the piano stool with her legs swinging and the purple-flowered wallpaper swirling around her and the notes spilling from her fingers. He has started to expect it when he opens his eyes each morning and finds the patch of sky out the window. He says nothing to Marie because, of course, there is no music, the music is in his head and Miriam is in Canada, a grown woman living alone in a beautiful glass house set into a wooded hill above Vancouver. When she looks out her windows she can see the Pacific Ocean. In winter her fingers used to break out with eczema. Once, she ran to the end of the yard to call him in for his tea. He was leaning on a gate looking out over the fields. Why are the hills blue, Daddy? Her eyes squinted at the hills in the distance. Because they’re far away, he said. What’s behind them? More hills. I want to see over them. He lifted her up on a rung of the gate. Higher, Daddy. The sun was warm on their faces. Why are you crying, Daddy? He had an urge to take her hand and start walking towards the distant hills. They would rest under the shade of lone trees and then walk on in silence, forever. He wonders if her hands still break out now in the cold of Canada or if she keeps a piano in the glass house.
‘Will you eat a boiled egg?’ Marie asks when he comes into the kitchen. ‘For a change?’
He crosses the tiled floor and steps into the sunlight. He has a small flash of last night’s dream. ‘I don’t think so,’ he says. ‘Just the toast’ll be grand.’
She lifts the teapot from the range. She spreads butter and marmalade, thickly, on a slice of toast, and leaves it on his plate. The sun falls on the pot of marmalade, on the chunky orange peel inside the glass, and his mouth waters. A white cat jumps up on the windowsill outside and hunkers down next to a black kitten. The nine o’clock news comes on the radio and the cat begins to wash.
‘Finish the slice of toast,’ she says and looks him in the eye. ‘Are you not hungry?’
He lifts the toast and bites and chews it slowly. He adds a spoon of sugar to his tea.
‘The surgery rang,’ she says. ‘Kathy said they have the results back. You’re to go up at 12 and he’ll see you.�
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He looks at her. She had her hair done yesterday. Her eyes are a watery blue, almost grey, behind her glasses.
‘Do you remember what Miriam used to call us?’ he asks.
She lifts her cup and looks at him.
‘She used to call us swans,’ he says.
‘Did you not hear what I said? Kathy said you’re to go up and see Dr O’Byrne.’ She puts the cup down and looks away.
They were all there at the dinner table one Sunday after James’s wedding, fifteen years ago, and the talk turned to marriage and Miriam came out with it: There aren’t many swans left anymore. Like Mam and Dad… mating for life. When he was a young man he stood in the turlough field one evening watching the swans that came to winter on his lough. They were hard and brutish. He remembered a story from national school, the Children of Lir, three brothers and a sister who were turned into swans for five hundred years. The swans in his school book were lovely creatures. He stood back from the water that evening, from the swallow holes that could suck an animal underground and drag it through channels that flowed down from the bog. He was afraid of the pull of water. There was something in him and he thought the water knew it. The swans rose that evening and passed over his head. He turned around and saw a lone tree, and its bare branches against the sky nearly broke him.
‘You might do that run yourself,’ he says.
‘Sure we can go together.’
‘It’s a wonder she didn’t tell you the results over the phone.’
‘They never do that. The doctor has to see you himself.’
‘There must be something wrong,’ he says. ‘They’d tell you if there wasn’t.’
‘Ah, no, not necessarily. It might be something small, some small irregularity… like that thyroid problem Pádraig had… Do you remember—he was feeling terrible for months before they got to the bottom of it?’
‘It’s not some small irregularity.’
The clock ticks on the wall behind her. He never forgets that she is here. She looks out the window. She has a way of being distant that makes him think he is already invisible. One day at the dinner she turned to him and said ‘Can you not chew any quieter?’ In winter her eyes are bluer—he used think the cold got in. A frown gathers on her brow now. Once, he knew all that went on behind that brow. Once she had been as delicate as a sparrow in his hands. He had called her My little one and almost died with the need to be near her.
The sickness has been inside him for months. In early spring he walked through the land, going deeper into the fields to the last hill. He moved up the slope and stood on the summit and was caught suddenly by the ground shifting. He began to list as if on a ship. He turned his head and saw the dark mouths of foxes’ dens along the ditch. Once, when he was baling hay late on a summer’s evening he saw a vixen approach her den. A clutch of young cubs peeped out, anxious, and at the sight of the mother, came scrambling over each other, not orphaned after all. He imagined them all moving underneath him now, loosening the earth, tumbling through dark tunnels—a teeming world of foxes inside the hill. In winter they’d sleep, curled in a tight circle. The hill began to pitch that day and the sky spun. The bile rose up and he retched onto the summit. He longed for the cover of trees then, to stand under the beech tree and feel rain falling on the leaves. He thought of small birds sheltering under their canopy and when the rain stopped, the sound of rainwater trickling down pipes.
Marie is standing in the middle of the kitchen looking up. ‘Those damn flies,’ she says. The flies circle around the light fitting. She goes to the cupboard and brings out a spray can. She comes at them and aims, and they dart about drunkenly in the poison mist.
‘Wouldn’t it be an ease if we had it all behind us?’ he says. He means dying. He knew a man once who took his own life. He parked his car at the crossroads on Christmas Eve and switched off the engine and blew his head off with a shot gun. He had left his wife and four kids at the church for Midnight Mass. Marie and himself were at Midnight Mass the same night.
The black kitten jumps off the windowsill. ‘Stop that talk,’ she says and goes to the back door.
On a summer’s evening when he was thirty he had found her. He had walked across a wooden dance floor under a tarpaulin marquee and stood before her, as if she had sent out a call to him. She said she liked his name, that it was a mild name and he must be a mild man. But then she went to America. Six months later, out of the blue, she returned and married him and delivered him headlong into the world of woman. Every night her creamy skin, her whispers, silenced him. In the distance he would hear the bleating of a lamb or the call of a bird at dawn. She would sit up and take an infant to her and nurse him. She would whisper to him to pass her nightie or some other womanly item, and though he had recently inherited a house and a farm and a herd of cattle they were nothing compared with these whispers. Only you and I know these nights, he thought. She came out to the fields in daytime and said I want to stay here with you, the way a child would say it. He did not want her to lift a finger—to turn a sod of turf or raise a sheaf of corn. Leave that alone, he told her, as she tossed hay from a fork, her face red and beaded with sweat. Leave that alone and go in and bring us out a drink. When they stopped to rest she took off his shoes and socks. Stop that, he said, and laughed. The sun beat down on her arms. She stretched out her legs and pressed her bare feet to his. She closed her eyes and whispered I’m happy now, and he thought she drifted off for a minute.
He moves to the armchair and she clears away the breakfast things. He is watching her feet on the tiles. When James and the girls stand beside her he is amazed that this grown man and these grown women came out of such a small woman. James comes in at night with news of the day, the work, the grandchildren. Sally and Sheila come down from Dublin every few weekends, sometimes bringing their husbands and children. They bring wine too and lay it on a shelf in the fridge and late on a Friday night they pour Marie a glass. He is not a drinker and when he settles in to watch the news and the Late Late Show they carry the bottle and the glasses over to the dining room and he hears the hum of their talk and occasional laughing. Marie has gone from him little by little, year after year, and the going is almost complete. He has never been enough; she had wanted a fuller life, and a small bit of glamour. The years wore her down, the worry, the work. In the early days he used to think she regretted returning from America. They went to a dinner dance at Christmas once and she wore a black maxi dress with a white trim at the neck. After the meal he spun her round the dance floor too hard, too fast, to make her remember him. On winter nights with the whole house asleep he would come on a film. It was always America, with handsome men in suits, Gregory Peck and Cary Grant and James Stuart, and beautiful still women, Grace Kelly and Deborah Kerr, and his heart would swell at the talk and the look of the lovers. At the end he’d sit back and realise that what he felt too was the terrible sickness of love.
Something spills out of us, he thinks, and it cannot be put back again. Out of nowhere he thinks of Miriam in her glass house above the ocean.
‘D’you remember when Miriam used to have those fainting spells?’ Marie asks, turning to him. ‘When she used to black out for five or ten minutes?’
He has no words. He looks at her. They have remembered Miriam at the same moment and he feels a surprising wave of hope. ‘You have to remember it,’ she pleads. ‘I used to run out to the fields to you in an awful state, carrying her in my arms. She was six or seven at the time. D’you not remember?’
He stares at her. She has been doing this lately, pulling up old memories that rattle him.
‘It was frightening,’ she says. ‘It happened when she got upset… She’d cry and cry and get worked up into a terrible state… and her eyes would roll back in her head… And then she’d just fall off unconscious.’
He was up on the tractor and mower in the middle of a meadow one day when she came running out with the child in her arms, the head flopping as she ran. He jumped down and took her a
nd laid her on the ground. He thought the stubble on her bare arms and legs would prod her back to life.
‘Do you think we neglected her?’ Marie asks suddenly.
‘No, no, we did not. Didn’t you bring her to the doctor?’
She nods. ‘He had some name for it—some emotional condition—he said she’d grow out of it, and she did, after a year or two.’
They were kneeling over her that day. Her eyelids moved and when she opened her eyes she had a terrible look. He thought she must have seen things she couldn’t bear. She whispered Daddy.
The radio is on low and the presenter is reading out the local death notices.
‘“Scarlet Ribbons”,’ he says, half to himself.
She looks over at him.
‘That’s what she used to play on the piano, “Scarlet Ribbons”,’ he says. ‘She learned it off that Jim Reeves record.’
But Marie is gazing out the window. ‘She was always very impressionable. I was always afraid of who she might fall in with. I don’t know where she got it… all that fainting, all that feeling.’
On Sundays in August Marie would dress the girls in little summer dresses and pack a picnic and they’d all drive to Salthill. She’d get a faraway look in her eyes when the sea came into view. He thought she was remembering some American place—Coney Island, maybe. One weekend they went to his brother’s holiday caravan in Lahinch. The kids played all day and got sunburnt and she cooked a big dinner in the evening and they ate outside with the sun going down. While she was putting the kids to bed he walked over the dunes and stood looking at the sea. Dusk started to fall. Then she was beside him. They said nothing but walked along the water’s edge. They sat on the hard sand with the little waves almost touching them, then moving further and further out. After a long time they got up and walked back. The dark was coming down around their heads. When they got to the door of the caravan he thought they were different, a different man and woman. That night he had a dream that he was sinking into the sea and she was in a small boat with the moon above her head. He was crying out to her and her eyes were wet with tears but she could not put a hand out to him. The following winter he found her in the cow house one night, sitting on the steps, smoking, with the rain tapping on the galvanised roof and the cows stirring in the stalls around her. ‘What’s wrong with you?’ he said.
The China Factory Page 10