The Duke of My Heart (Regency Romance)

by Hanna Hamilton

  Iris knew that she would be, at least more so than when she’d arrived. When Iris first started working with Amy, she didn’t seem to know who she was, but now Amy seemed to have a much stronger sense of herself. It was wonderful to see.

  “Will you tell the other’s that I will see them soon, I did not get a chance this morning." In truth, she hadn't tried. Iris did not want to break down and weep in front of them. "I would really appreciate that."

  Plus, it was a chance for Amy to build a bond with some of the other staff... just in case.

  "Oh, of course, I will pass your message on.”

  They shared a final goodbye, all in view of Ewan before Iris took a final deep breath and she turned to leave the Oakley household. Instead of the sensation that she was shaking off her shackles that she got when she left her own home, she felt like she was giving up something wonderful.

  I will be back, she thought strongly inside her mind. Somehow, I’ll find a way to get back here.

  She turned before stepping into the carriage to take a final look at the house. Iris recalled feeling overwhelmed and terrified when she first arrived here, but now the house was her safe haven. She loved the large size of it, and the way that it had taken such good care of her.

  Yes, I will certainly find a way back here.

  “Are you ready to leave?” Ewan asked softly. “The drivers are ready whenever you are.”

  “Yes.” Iris glanced up at him, wondering which version she would see of Ewan today. He was business-like and hard-faced, the opposite of his tone, just as she suspected. She should’ve guessed she wouldn’t find any kindness today. “I am ready.”

  The driver took her hand and he helped Iris to step into the carriage, which reminded her of her days as a lady. She hadn’t had anything done for her in a very long time, and it was surprisingly nice. She gave the driver a smile and thanked him for his kindness. Iris couldn't ever recall doing that before when she was a lady, but she hoped that she had. She did not want to think of herself as ungrateful, even if it was unintentional.

  Then she gazed out of the window and she watched the world pass her by. Iris saw the sights that she’d already seen once before, only this time in reverse, and again she was left with the sense that she had no idea what would happen next. Everything could change and who knew which was it’d go.

  Elizabeth, I have something to tell you... Elizabeth, I have some shocking news to discuss with you... Elizabeth, we need to talk. I have to tell you about something that Daisy and I have done... It is not as bad as it seems, please, just allow me to explain...

  No, there was no way to start that conversation in a way that wouldn’t freak her out. Iris just hoped that instinct would jump in and she’d quickly find a way to calm Elizabeth down while she explained it all perfectly. The reasoning behind the switch was solid, Iris knew that it was the best thing for her, but discussing that with someone else scared her.

  At least Elizabeth knew her well and she understood her fears. Actually, the fact that she'd managed to run away from the wedding would probably come as less of a surprise than if she'd gone through with it. Maybe she'd even be pleased, after all, it was she who warned her against the Duke.

  Maybe.

  * * *

  Iris sat across from Ewan in the pub, with a plate of beef and vegetables in front of her, feeling more awkward than she’d ever done before. This should’ve been a little normal to her, people in her position should be much more accustomed to eating in public, but Iris did not feel that way.

  Was it because she had spent most of her life locked away from the rest of the world, or was it because she was all but alone in the presence of an unmarried man? An act that was surely unacceptable? The drivers were sitting at the bar to eat their own meals, but aside from that, the place was almost empty. No one had even bothered to glance their way, despite how strange they must have looked. It seemed the only one who felt any concern was Iris, but she couldn’t get rid of it.

  The pub had a warm, rustic feel to it. The bottles of liquor were lit up and highlighted, giving a reddish glow that contrasted well with the chequered black and white tiled floor. It felt like it was supposed to be inviting, but Iris had too many of her own issues to truly feel that way.

  Despite all of that, Iris couldn’t help thinking that this was the best opportunity she was going to get to really discuss things with Ewan. She felt compelled to talk about things that had gone between them, even if he did shut her down rapidly the last time. Maybe that was only because they were in his home where they could be overheard, unlike here. There wasn’t anyone listening to them right now.

  They would never be as alone as they were in that moment, and there had to be some reason that Ewan had insisted on coming along on the journey with her. Maybe he just wanted her to bring it up. Maybe, in a gentlemanly way, Ewan wanted to ensure that Iris did not mind talking about it.

  She truly didn’t mind. She felt like she might burst if they didn’t.

  They’d shared a moment in her home that was far too intimate, and now this felt like another. There had to be some sort of conversation about what it all meant, wasn’t there?

  “Ew... Lord Oakley?” she asked quietly. “Do you mind if I say something to you?”

  He furrowed his eyebrows at her and his face darkened for just a second. Iris could tell that he was considering his answer carefully. They both knew things about one another that could quite easily complicate things, and it seemed that he wasn’t quite sure whether or not he was ready to open that door.

  It seemed he wasn’t waiting for Iris to bring things up after all. Clearly, she had read that very wrong.

  “Yes,” he eventually decided. “That shall be fine.”

  Iris’s heart pounded loudly, her lips dried with fear. Now she actually had to say those terrifying words aloud, while not knowing where it might lead.

  Just say it, her brain thought firmly. What is there to lose? Apart from everything, of course...

  “I feel like we should talk about our... previous meeting. At the Warwick household.”

  Ewan screwed up his face and a deep darkness filled his eyes. This obviously wasn’t what he wanted to hear. “I thought I already made it clear that the first time we set eyes on one another was at my home. Did I not already say that?”

  Iris blanched at Ewan’s harsh tone, but she refused to allow it to derail her. If everything did go terribly wrong after she saw her sister, then she at least wanted to know how he truly felt about her.

  Maybe this sense of having nothing left to lose was true freedom. Maybe this was what she’d spent her whole life searching for.

  “Yes, I understand that,” she replied calmly. “But we are no longer in the presence of company, are we?” her tone was just as firm as his. “And I do not think it is something that we can ignore forever.”

  Ewan tried to stare her down, he needed this subject to be dropped before it caused him any real issues. When he danced with the beautiful young maid at the ball, he was having a wonderful, freeing moment of madness. He certainly did not expect to return home after a business trip to find her working in his home.

  “Why did you come to work for me?” he asked unexpectedly.

  The question totally threw Iris, but she felt like that might be the point. Ewan wanted to derail her train of thought. Her stomach twisted up in knots, but she refused to allow that to show on her face.

  “Why did you leave the Warwick household? Were you unhappy there?”

  Did he know? That was the scariest thought for Iris, that Ewan already knew the truth and he was waiting for her to confess all. “I... I don’t...”

  “What made you come to my house? Did you come looking for me?”

  Ah! It all started to make a little more sense. Iris narrowed her eyes and her cheeks reddened with rage. “What are you trying to suggest? That I have come to trap you into something you do not want?” As the accusation rolled over her, anger hit her in waves. “Do you think tha
t I have come to find you in hopes that...” Iris could not finish that sentence; she did not want to know where it might lead. “I did not even know that your name was Oakley, how would I know that it was your home?”

  “I do not know,” Ewan admitted. “I guess I am just feeling perplexed about the whole thing.”

  Perplexed! Iris wanted to hit him for that statement, but she didn’t. This was messy enough. Violence would only make things worse.

  “What is it that you would like me to say?”

  That it meant something to you, that you share my feelings, Iris thought. “I just want it to be acknowledged,” she said instead.

  “Fine.” Ewan nodded slowly. “I acknowledge it. We spent time together at the Warwick ball, but it should never have happened... right?” He seemed to be searching for her approval with that answer.

  “Right,” Iris replied hollowly. “Of course, because I am a maid and you are a Lord.”

  That was awful to come to terms with, she did not like to think of Ewan as so shallow and concerned with things like that, but of course, he would be. Everyone was. Names, titles, money... it was all that mattered to anyone. There wasn’t anything that could be done about it.

  Iris wanted Ewan to say something else, she needed him to disagree with what she’d just said, but he didn’t. He fixed his eyes on his plate on the table and kept his mouth closed. That confirmed everything in Iris's mind, nothing could ever happen. She had known that for a very long time, but having it confirmed still hurt.

  It is closure, she told herself. Now I can turn my feelings off and focus on everything else.

  “The food is good here,” Ewan idly commented. “I think the outside of the pub does not do it justice.”

  Iris pushed some of the food between her lips, but she couldn’t taste anything. “Yes, it is wonderful. Thank you for this lovely meal.”

  They ate in silence for a while, each of them lost in their own thoughts. They were stuck in a situation that had no solution, which left them both helpless. Ewan had Amy to think of, he could not wreck the family name for her sake. She needed a husband who could give her the life that she deserved, he could not be responsible for her losing that. He also needed to consider any future children. They did not deserve to struggle because of his decisions.

  This was all that they could do.

  “It was a lovely night, at the Warwick ball,” he could not help but comment, despite everything within him suggesting otherwise. It wasn’t wise to discuss the night that couldn’t ever become anything, but after today they would never get another chance. “I had a lot more fun than I thought I would.”

  Iris felt her insides melt and soften. She wanted to be furious at Ewan, but she couldn’t be. It was not his fault that society held such expectations for the highborn people, it was simply a negative side effect of having so much money. He could not be blamed for the times that they lived in. Iris recalled Daisy telling her that not everyone found love, however they were born.

  Maybe if they had both been born in another time period, everything could have been different.

  “Yes, I did too. It was an unexpected treat.”

  “You are a wonderful dancer.” The memory of holding the sweet young girl in his arms still felt fresh in Ewan’s mind.

  “I danced well with you. The lack of rules helped.” Iris was not sure if this was acceptable to say, but since they had already crossed that line, it didn’t feel too bad.

  “Ah yes, my favourite way to dance.” Especially with you.

  So many unsaid things flowed between them at that moment, so many feelings and emotions. It killed Iris to know that they’d never be spoken aloud, but at least she knew now. It didn’t help that he shared feelings with her and nothing could be done about it, but at least she knew.

  Iris smiled at Ewan and he gave her a bright look too. Maybe they couldn’t ever become what they wanted, but at least they would always have the lovely memories of that night. It would never be enough, but it would be better than nothing. Even if this was to be the one and only conversation that they would ever have about it.

  One night with no rules was all that they’d get. It was more than most people ever got in their entire lives.

  Once their plates were clear and both Iris and Ewan were ready to continue on with their journey, they returned to their carriage with lots of things to think about. Iris would, of course, overanalyze every single part of that conversation until it was dissected to the very bone, but Ewan had a lot on his mind too.

  He had to think about his life choices, to consider if they really were the right ones for him. He’d always been so sure about everything, but now, this young girl had twisted everything up in knots. He did not know anything anymore. Not for certain.

  Before starting on this journey, Ewan had promised himself that he wouldn’t think about anything other than business. He had a lot to sort out so he needed his brain to be centered on that rather than anything else, but he should have known better. He should’ve guessed that this beautiful young girl would take his mind off of everything.

  Maybe he didn’t think that she would bring up that night, especially after he specifically told her not to, but they’d spoken about it now. It should be over.

  If only it was that simple...

  Chapter 25

  The white house with a pointed roof and large windows were surrounded by lush, green trees. This guest house was nearer to the city than the countryside, but it seemed the owner wanted to create some escapism with the décor.

  Iris really liked it, it had a quaint, sweet feel.

  Ewan dragged his case towards the front door, so Iris followed behind him. As she walked, she wondered what the people inside would think of her travelling with this man. Would they assume that she was an affair that Ewan wasn’t being very discrete about? They couldn’t assume that she belonged to him since it was clear that she was not highborn.

  Hopefully, it would quickly become clear that this was nothing more than business. Iris did not like the idea of judging eyes upon her.

  Actually, this was the first time since she had left her own home that she felt scared to have people looking at her again. It felt strange to have that sensation washing over her again, it was almost as if all the work that she’d done on herself in the Oakley household was gone.

  Inside, the golden shine of the wallpaper caught the sunlight perfectly, which drew Iris’s eyes towards some wonderful pieces of artwork. There was a portrait of a fine-looking gentleman next to an image of a stormy ocean, which of course was the one that she was mostly drawn to. Iris felt like it represented her emotions, she felt a windy storm brewing inside of her, tossing her through the air like a ragdoll.

  “Good evening, Sir,” the kindly-looking lady from behind the counter said. “How may I help you?”

  As Ewan reeled off his request for four bedrooms, the lady glanced towards where Iris was standing, half hiding behind the Lord. She felt her spine stiffen as the lady’s gazed drank her in, but as she received a non-judgemental smile, all of that simply fell away.

  Maybe the world wasn’t such a scary place, after all.

  Eventually, they were taken upstairs and shown to their rooms. Iris felt lucky to be positioned on a different floor to everyone else because it gave her some much-needed space. She'd spent a lot of the day alone in her carriage, but it wasn’t enough. There was so much in her mind that she needed to process and Iris honestly wasn’t sure if there was enough time in the world to go through it all.

  Her room had white walls and a cream bed. Everything about it was clean and crisp, which made Iris glad that she didn’t have to clean it up. She wouldn’t cause any mess, but it was very likely that some guests would, and with all the light colours it would undoubtedly be impossible to clear out. Any stains would be impossible to get out, she couldn’t help wondering how the staff at this guest house did it.

  Luckily today, Iris did not need to worry about cleaning or looking after anyon
e else but herself. She was off-duty; this time was all her own.

  It was just a shame that there weren't any wonderful paintings here for Iris to stare at like there were in the reception area.

  She moved over to the window where an armchair had been positioned perfectly for her to gaze out in the world. It was dark, so she couldn’t see too much, but her brain was much too wired for her to even think about getting any sleep. It was better to stare at the view than look at the ceiling all night long.

  As she gazed out over the trees, Iris returned to her favourite pastime, one that she hadn’t really done much of in a very long time. She let her mind wander and her imagination came flooding back like an old friend.

  Iris imagined she was back in that pub, talking to Ewan, but of course this time the conversation went very differently.

  “I feel like we should talk about our... previous meeting. At the Warwick household.”

  “Yes, of course,” Ewan replied in Iris’s imagination. “I want to talk about it too. I have not been able to stop thinking about it. I should have kissed you that night, and I wish to kiss you now.”

  “Then you should kiss me right now,” Iris saw herself replying bravely. “We will only have one life, so we should embrace it wholly, should we not?”

  “Mmm, I love breaking the rules with you. Especially as you make such a good point. Why not live our lives to the maximum?”

  Iris's heart fluttered violently as she pictured Ewan pressing his lips to hers. She had never felt the urge to kiss anyone before, not anyone real. Of course, she'd had her daydreams about a mysterious prince that didn't exist, but this was someone real, someone in her life, someone she could kiss if things were different.

  If life was something different, they could be kissing right now.

  Iris could not believe that after all this time she had fallen in love with someone, just for him to be a man that she could never have. If she was herself, and her parents – or at the very least her mother – was alive, she could ask to marry this man. He could actually be hers if she was given a choice.