by Rachel Shane
I hesitated a moment, hovering half out of my chair. Aside from teaching the routine, I hadn’t practiced in months. I was never that good to begin with and now I was rusty. But then I looked at the way Lara’s eyes undulated as she smiled at me and that was enough to propel me toward the stage.
As I waited backstage for Lonnie’s band to set up, I looked down at my outfit. Now I understood why Lara had made me change. It wasn’t for support of the team or solidarity. It was so I would be part of it.
“You take my position,” Denise told me.
I stared at her. She was front and center, not on the back line like I always used to be. “What about you?”
“Don’t worry about me. I’m on the end. We’ve already practiced it like this, K.”
K. Her old nickname for me. My heart swelled.
I took a deep breath and stepped onto the stage, staring at the back of the red curtain. Even though I couldn’t see the audience, a feeling of nostalgia washed over me. Being on stage with Finn at the Newlywed game, all eyes on me. At the talent show and the way the audience clapped along to my performance. This was where I belonged.
Lonnie’s drummer counted off with three sharp bangs on the cymbal.
I kicked my leg high in the air, as high it would go, and it wavered there for a moment before I smashed it across my body and stomped in tune to the music. I only belatedly remembered to smile at the crowd. No one ever used to see my smile when I was in the back row.
The beat of the song changed with the introduction of Lonnie’s guitar rift, and everyone bent low to the ground, writhing there like a snake. One by one we popped up—led by me—and twirled in place while waving our arms to the tune. Our arms flowed like streamers, moving gracefully through the air. We tutted, bending our upper body like willow trees blowing in the wind, then jerking upright and letting our feet do the talking with coordinated steps, stomps, and kicks.
My muscles woke up and reveled in the experience they’d been deprived of for four long months. The music became part of me and the spotlights on the stage bathed me in warmth. It didn’t matter if I wasn’t as good as Denise or Ali or anyone else on the stage. I was doing what I loved.
During practice, Lonnie always played the song he wrote me, subbing out my name for “Baby” to keep it kosher for Denise. My name was still absent from the song, but it was about me again. Lonnie had changed the lyrics, and with each one he sang, my smile grew wider.
All those times you blogged as a way to repent
Forcing us to relive and voice our dissent
Reading about all those things you were feeling
Gripping our desks to keep us from reeling
And now we know what to do
Forgiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive you
Forgive, because that’s what you need
We’ve waved our flag and we’re here to concede
The loneliness has started to recede
Now it’s time
To suuuuuuuuceeeeeeeeeede
When the music stopped, everyone cheered. My breath pumped through my lungs. This must be what marathon runners feel like after they finish the race. Exhilarated.
Lonnie shouted into the microphone, “Please give a hand to our choreographer…Lara Fishbein.”
The crowd erupted in a standing ovation when Lara stood and waved even though she couldn’t bow because of her hip. All eyes were on her. She was home.
And so was I.
One by one the clapping faded and the audience fizzled into their seats. Until there were only two people left standing in the very back row.
Finn and Hayden.
My breath caught in my throat. Even from here, I knew that stare. It was the same look in his eyes when I stole that first kiss from him. The look he gave me each time we took the stage on the cruise. And it’s the same look I pictured in my mind this semester when I tried to be the girl Finn brought out in me. The girl standing before this crowd right now.
FINN-AL DESTINATION
Posted by Kasey at 12:27 P.M.
Sunday, October 4th
Current Mood: Satisfied
SAT Word Of The Day: Reunion. Definition: A repeat of the union.
Hi lovely readers,
Fancy meeting you here again. Did you miss me? If you’re reading this, I’m guessing the answer is yes. And if you attended the Fundraiser last night, you know I’m not the only thing you missed. You missed A LOT.
I stopped blogging because I thought the story I had to tell was over. But I realized this morning that I never told you the ending. Or well, not the ending ending, since it’s not over. Not even close. Still, you read this blog because you wanted to know what happened to Lara, to Denise, to Lonnie, to Finn. To me…
This is what happened.
After the dance team’s performance, the attendees fled into the next room for the college admissions part of the fundraiser, plus refreshments. Even if it was only school provided bug juice and not the kind of refreshments most students would have preferred. Everyone in the crowd moved in a herd toward the exit, but two people pushed through them the opposite way.
I rushed down the stage and practically tore Lara’s arm off in an attempt to alert her to Finn and Hayden’s presence.
She shrugged me off. “I know, I know, you nailed it.”
I pointed behind me and yelled, “Look!” I was much more eloquent when I could edit and delete my words on the blog. Not so much when I was out of breath and flustered from excitement.
The smile on her face could light the entire auditorium. She glanced back at me. “Well, what are you waiting for?” She nodded her head in their direction. “Go get him.”
I left Lara seated because there was no way she was going to try and limp against an eager crowd. Luckily, I was petite (well, not that petite), and could squeeze my way through the gaps of people. Finn climbed over the auditorium seats until we met in the middle. Hayden was too cool for that. He waited at the end of an aisle for the crowd to pass before making his way to my sister.
My smile radiated four months and fifteen days worth of thoughts. His hair was shorter, but his dimples were just as deep. The same memories, preserved in time, like a fossilized bug encased in amber. As soon as I got within touching distance of him, I wrapped him into a hug, figuring that was better than asking any questions. I didn’t have a good track record lately with asking him questions.
He smelled like coconut shampoo, and that immediately brought me back to the cruise, to the scent of suntan lotion and piña coladas on the deck. I closed my eyes and the shuffling crowd morphed into the salty ocean breeze. The hug lingered only a second longer than a friendly I-haven’t-seen-you-in-forever reconnection.
“So it was you? Commenting? How did you find the blog? And how did you get here? I mean, thanks for coming. Why didn’t you write me back? What was the correct question?” I would have said more but he pressed a finger against my lips.
He rolled his eyes in that adorable way I’d missed. I got chills. “Nothing’s changed. You’re still so impatient.”
I crossed my arms and tapped my foot, partially to cover my trembling fingers.
“To answer your questions. Maybe. Yes and no. Online. Car. I’m here instead. None of those.”
I punched him lightly in the shoulder. “I need better answers than that. Of course you found the blog online, but how? And what do you mean ‘maybe’ it was you?”
He tilted my chin back up with the feathery touch of his index finger. “My C.I.A training served me well. I used a variety of spy tactics to find your blog, but I’m not at liberty to discuss the details.”
“You googled my name?” I had so many questions I wanted to ask Finn, I couldn’t understand why this one came out of my mouth next.
He cocked an eyebrow at me. “Did the C.I.A brief you too?” He mouthed, “sssh” to me while looking around cautiously. “Don’t let anyone hear that. That’s top secret protocol.”
He was right. This conversation should be private.
I pulled him down into the auditorium seats so I could ignore the people in the aisles even more. “Were you okay? I mean, your arm healed? You can still draw?”
“Arm’s totally fine.” Finn flexed his bicep. “Actually, that’s why I’m in New York City. My parents think Hayden’s taking me to visit some of the art schools here. Well, he is. But not until Monday.” He winked.
Interesting. Very interesting. If Finn went to school in the city, maybe I’d just have to have a visit with the Tysh College admissions representative tonight. “What was the stupid correct question?”
He clucked his tongue. “The first one any good spy would ask.”
“Gah.” I threw my hands up in surrender. “You’ve dragged this out long enough. Tell me.”
“I’m not sure if I can.” He kept his face very still, betraying no hint of emotion as he studied me. “Who are you?”
“Kasey? Victoria Cruise?” I wasn’t sure what answer he was going for here.
“Choose wisely.”
“Oh my God, you’re killing me.” I covered my forehead with my hands. “Kasey, definitely Kasey.” It was the first time in a long time I only wanted to be myself. “Now, what’s the question?”
“You already know it.” His lips quivered with a held back smirk.
“No, I don’t!” I stood up. “I’ve tried a million different questions and—” And he was right. I knew the answer. After all, he’d just told it to me. And it was one of the first questions he ever asked me on the cruise. I composed myself, smoothing down my skirt to sit and face him. “Who are you? That’s the answer?”
He nodded.
I pursed my lips. “Why is that the answer?”
“What was your other question?”
I thought back to my list of questions. He’d answered how he found the blog, how he got here, why he hadn’t emailed me back, and what the correct question was. But there was one he skipped. I squinted at him. “Were you the one commenting?”
“I did comment. But only once.”
“Only once?” I knitted my brows while my stomach churned. Ugh, I knew the Finn impersonators were Ali. Who are you? I ripped my head up. “You were Clark. Not Finn.”
He snapped his fingers. “Ding ding ding.”
My face blushed. Clark had said the disguises were better. “But the person commenting as Finn knew my room number. And yours.”
He chuckled. “You still haven’t figured it out?” He shook his head in shame at me. “Not a very good spy after all.”
Who else would have known that information? And then my eyes locked on Hayden sitting next to my sister in the front row. When I turned back to Finn, he was already nodding.
I thought back to what the imposter Finn had commented on my penultimate blog post. “I suspect there’s something she wants way more than dancing. ;-)” Hayden had meant himself!
“I showed him the blog,” Finn said. “He thought it would be hilarious to pretend to be me. I wasn’t too keen on it, but then he did it anyway. I think he was trying to get us back together.”
I made my eyes big and hopeful. “Did it work?”
He waved a finger at me. “Sorry, that’s a spoiler. I will tell you his brilliant plan backfired on him.” Finn nodded toward his brother, who was whispering something into Lara’s ear that made her giggle. “Not just a vacation fling anymore, huh?”
My heart swelled. I couldn’t fix Lara’s hip but without intending to, at least I fixed her love life. Hayden may have been a jerk but I knew all too well that people deserved to redeem themselves when they fucked up. Maybe driving all the way here tonight was half the battle. I hoped the other half involved flowers.
I twisted back to face Finn and took a deep breath. Hayden wasn’t the only one that wanted a second chance. “And what about you? You know I’m impatient. Tell me the spoiler.” I fiddled with my fingers in my lap, interlocking and pulling them apart.
“I’m glad I read your blog. I only saw my side of things, my stupid closed minded side of things. I thought I was such an idiot, falling for a girl who was playing me the whole time. Lying to me. Because the girl I knew couldn’t have been the same one on the balcony that last night. One was an impostor.”
A lead anvil tore through my stomach.
“But after reading your blog I realized I was wrong. You were always you, the same girl. You didn’t let go on purpose. You love her too much to do that.” He grabbed my hand and slipped his fingers between mine. He leaned in, his breath hot against my ear. “Nine. Three six four five. Seven six three.”
He went to kiss me, but I pulled back. In a moment, I’d correct that mistake. “What?”
“You never decoded that note I gave you, did you?”
I gave him a guilty look, then grabbed a ballot sheet and pen someone had left on a nearby seat. I slapped it on his knee and covered it with my palm as I scribbled the crytogram I’d memorized. I hadn’t decoded it but I would in a moment. Because I knew what Finn was trying to tell me. I knew how he felt. “I love you, too,” I said.
“So you did decode it?” He raised his eyebrows.
“No, I just get you.”
“Too bad.” He tried to swipe it from my hands. “Now you’ll never know what it said.”
“Then I better work fast.” I turned my back to him and leaned the note against the opposite arm rest.
285 29328 12632 47 153952 94552927: 9’4 1312 1 569413 737 289521 285 7993 8634957 2891 352259 91 1753913.
I LOVE YOU translated to 9 2645 763. I wrote out 1-9 at the top of a sheet of paper and then marked the alphabet beneath, so when I got to number 9 with the letter “I”, I went back to number one and filled in “J” until I had three rows of letters.
When I finished, my paper was covered in scratch marks. But I translated his letter:
The truth about my secret identity: I’m just a normal guy who thinks the girl holding this letter is special.
“I never lie. But that message should have self destructed a long time ago.” Finn snatched up the sensitive document and stuffing it in his mouth. He pulled out the slimy wad a moment later, rubbing his cheek. “Ouch. Sharp folds.” He tossed the soggy paper onto the floor. “No more secret identities, okay?”
I should have answered him but I had more important things on my mind. They involved his lips. I stroked his cheek from earlobe to chin with my fingers.
He pulled away and stood up. “There’s one thing you need to know.” He raked a hand through his brown hair. “I’m really hoping you don’t hate me for this.”
My skin went cold.
“Hey you love birds,” a voice said and we both turned to the aisle. Hayden had his arm around Lara’s waist, helping her stand.
“Denise just texted me.” Lara held up her phone as evidence. “They’re about to announce the winner.”
I glanced at Finn and then back at her, unsure what to do. I wanted to win. I wanted to hear what Finn had to say. Both desires pulled me in opposite directions like a marionette. Finn pressed a hand to the small of my back to push me out of the row, making the decision for me.
Lara looked back at me over here shoulder. “Denise cast our ballots for us. Hope you don’t mind.”
“Aw man, I didn’t get to cast one,” Finn said.
“You were going to vote for Lonnie, weren’t you?” I asked him.
He pressed a hand to his heart. “Guilty.”
In the next room, people crowded around tables reserved for different college admissions staff. The lines wrapped around each other, each one ridiculously long. We made our way over to where Denise and Lonnie stood holding hands by the podium. As we approached, Finn whispered in my ear, “By the way, I hate that guy.”
I laughed. “Pretty sure the feeling’s mutual.”
Several people complimented Lara as she made her way through the crowd. She waved to each one like a pageant girl riding a float. In the corner, Ali and Jules each stood with matching expressions: arms crossed, bitchface on, looking like bitter
losers before the results were even announced.
Principal Somers grabbed the microphone. “I know you’re all eager to speak with our special guests tonight.” She flourished her hand toward the booths set up. “So I’ll cut to the chase. The winner of the audience vote is…” She unfurled a piece of paper and squinted at it, bringing it closer to her face to read. “What does this say? A-i-x”—she held the paper father back and tilted it.
Denise cupped her mouth with her hands and shouted, “Dyslexia!”
The crowd went wild. Lonnie’s eyes widened in shock.
“Dyslexia,” Principal Somers confirmed, then put her hands together to clap for the winner. “You’ve all won a meeting with the special guest of your choice tonight.”
Lonnie stood there with his mouth hanging open.
I was pretty sure I knew who he would choose. After all, the same record company that had signed the subway performer was here tonight searching for new talent.
“I guess pink really is my color,” Lonnie said.
“Go on stage, you big goof.” Denise nudged him toward the stage. She turned to me. “Sorry, I had to vote for him instead of us. I hope Lara understands.”
I glanced over at my sister. She was staring at her feet.
I touched her cheek. “It’s okay, Lar. You’re still awesome. You know that right?”
She shook her head. “Not awesome enough.”
After Dyslexia received their accolades on the make-shift stage, Principal Somers spoke into the microphone again. “Everyone please settle down. We have one more announcement to make.”
The crowd took a while to stop chattering.
“While you attendees were voting, our special guests were also voting.”
I straightened to attention.
“The winner for exceptional performance as deemed by our professionals…” She paused for dramatic effect, but she didn’t need to read a sheet of paper to announce the winner. A smile broke out on her face. “Lara Fishbein for her choreography.”