He looks accusingly at me.
“Thanks for passing it on to me.”
“Not me,” I protest. “It’s been gone since Sunday!”
He goes into a totally annoying hypochondriac mode about how he needs to get antibiotics, etc. Keith and Willa come over for a little bit. Willa seems nice enough, and I feel sorry for her being married to a cheating, druggie, sleaze. She asks,
“Are you still planning on coming out to my restaurant tonight?”
Kyle answers, “Things are not going as planned, so I think we are going to eat in.”
Keith and Kyle go outside for a moment. I wonder if he is supplying more drugs. I am embarrassed that all the neighbors will know about the failure things turned out to be.
Shortly afterwards, Keith and Willa leave. I turn to Kyle, my mood getting worse and worse, and I’m starting to feel more angry than sad.
“So what were you two doing outside?”
Kyle laughs.
“Keith is young, 23, he thinks that I should be out screwing everybody.”
I give him a glare.
“Hey, I know you are feeling sad, hurt, and disappointed right now.”
I take a deep breath.
“Yes, I am. I don’t think I can forget this for a long time. I think, though, it will be better for everyone concerned if I tell my parents, who will tell Ruth and Sherman, that I decided to break things off.”
Kyle looks puzzled.
“Why would you do that? Everyone will take one look at those eyes and know that I hurt you.”
I explain, “Ruth has already said lots of not so nice things about you to my mother, and I don’t want to hear ‘I told you so’ or make things worse for both of us.”
Kyle is curious.
“So what did Ruth have to say about me?”
I start, “First of all, she talked about your marriage and why it broke up and then she said things about your brother and sister.”
I stop, not sure if I want to change things between him and his cousin.
“Tell me,” he prompts. “What else?”
I go on to say how Ruth told my mother about Jane’s drug problems and how Raymond is always very sickly. Kyle is starting to look very hurt. I debate and then decide to continue because I want to hurt him right now as much as he has hurt me. In a tense voice, he protests,
“Yes, Janie had her problems, but she is getting things together. And yes, Raymond had a very bad car accident, and he was addicted to painkillers for a while for his back, but he got over it and is now a very healthy, robust man! I don’t believe this! What else did she have to say?”
I continue, enjoying this in an almost perverse way.
“About that problem with Raymond, she said that he almost lost his job over it. She also said that you are just like your father, a charming man with the gift of gab but a lot of bullshit underneath.”
I can see tears in his eyes.
“I don’t believe it, my own family.”
I continue, “So it is probably for the best that I say that our not seeing each other anymore was my decision. I know Ruth will just say that our relationship…”
Kyle suddenly cuts me off.
“Well, you can tell Ruth that we didn’t have a relationship! We only went out on a few dates!”
That line cut me to the core, and I know it is one of those that I will not forget for a long time.
“Okay,” I reply shakily. “If that’s the way you see it, then that’s exactly what I am going to say.”
Inside, I am dying, but I am not going to let him know it. I don’t understand how I can feel so strongly over something that means so little to him.
That night I help him cook chicken wings, and we eat in silence. I guess I am not going to have a special birthday dinner this year. Happy Birthday to me!
Saturday, we barely speak to each other and watch TV in silence. A stupid police show is on, and I just watch it mindlessly. I think about the bust these last few days have been. The funny thing is, the more I am with Kyle, the less I like him as a person. I think that I am going to miss the feelings, closeness, and idea of him more than I will miss the man. He is ignoring me and letting Ronnie sit perched on his shoulder and feeding him bits from a sandwich he made. He pets the stupid bird on the head and even kisses it a few times. Dumb bird. I think of the movie Fatal Attraction from a few years back. I think the Glenn Close character would have make bird soup if this had happened to her.
The phone rings, and Kyle answers, “Hello!” There is a pause and then, “Oh hi! How are you?”
Diana or Sarah, I wonder sadly or is there someone else he’s not telling me about? He passes me the phone.
“It’s your father.”
I take a deep breath and speak, “Hi dad.”
He pauses and asks, “So how are things? Grandma liked him, and she said you are having a good time.”
Now is the time for the best acting job of my life.
“Things are fine, dad. Just great. I will see you at the airport tomorrow.”
Dad hesitates before hanging up.
“Are you sure? You sound…”
I cut him off.
“Don’t worry, I am fine,” I try to sound reassuring. “I will see you tomorrow, and we will talk more then.”
Kyle looks at me.
“From the way you just sounded, I don’t think anyone is going to believe that you are okay.”
On Sunday morning, my worst birthday ever, he drives me to the airport, and Keith rides along. He drops me off at the front door and lifts my bag out of the trunk. He gives me a kiss on the cheek. I turn to him and say,
“Well, you can go to Diana now with a clean conscience! Good luck with things.”
On the plane, I settle next to an older gentleman who gives me a polite smile. I warn him,
“I just had the worst trip ever. It’s best that we don’t talk on this flight!”
He just nods in surprise. The closer we get to home, the more I wonder about how I am going to face my family and friends when I had such high hopes for this weekend. A tear rolls down my cheek.
“Hey,” the man sitting next to me says. “Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad. It is going to be alright.”
The plane lands, and I go face my family.
Chapter 30: Hiding Heartbreak
Both mom and dad are waiting for me at the gate. They give me a hug and sing the obligatory round of Happy Birthday. Mom looks at me closely.
“You look tired. Is everything okay?”
I reply, “I’m fine. Let’s get my luggage.”
My dad turns to me and, believe it or not, mentions, “Grandma says you got your period this week. Even so, I knew that I wouldn’t have to worry about you. You always make the right choices.”
I am embarrassed.
“Dad, forget about that stuff. We’ll talk about my trip in the car.”
We walk down to baggage together and locate my suitcase. I think I can pull this off. We walk to the parking garage across the street in silence.
“So,” Mom says, not wanting to keep quiet any longer. “How were things?”
She is deceptively casual.
“Relax,” I say sarcastically. “Your precious little girl is still a virgin!”
I can see the relief on their faces, and I continue.
“I decided that with the uncertainty of my plans next year that it would be best not to get involved with anyone and as nice as things were with Kyle, I told him that we shouldn’t see each other anymore.”
Mom and dad look at each other, and dad finally breaks the silence.
“That seems like a smart decision. You have your whole future ahead of you, and you will meet somebody special when the time is right.”
I continue, looking specifically at mom.
“Just because I was the one to break things off doesn’t mean that I’m not sad. This was the strongest I have ever felt about anybody. I need time, a break from dating, and you just need to
understand and give me time.”
Mom nods.
“We are just glad that you proved how responsible you are. Dad is right, your Prince Charming is out there somewhere.”
Before driving me back up to school, they take me out for a birthday dinner. I try to enjoy it, but it does not feel much like a celebration. The restaurant has chocolate, peanut butter pie, and I drown my sorrows in it. ‘Worst birthday ever,’ I think for the hundredth time that day.
They drive me up to my apartment, and Leigh and Diana are waiting for me. They greet my parents politely. Mom and dad kiss me goodbye and tell me that if I want to talk don’t hesitate to call. Then they leave.
Diana and Leigh look at me and say in unison, “Happy Birthday!” They have a chocolate cake and a bottle of wine on the table. I take one look at them and start to cry. I bawl like I wanted to all weekend. My roommates wait to talk until I have stopped sobbing and just a tear is running down my cheek. Diana speaks first,
“I guess things with Kyle did not go that well.”
Leigh adds, “I am sorry. So what happened?”
I tell them the basics: about how we had a good first night together and how he seemed so happy to see me then all of a sudden he turned cold and tells me about meeting someone else.
“I just don’t get it,” I cry. “I just don’t understand how something that meant so much to me can mean so little to him!”
Leigh turns to me.
“I’m surprised that you even stayed at his house. You don’t do things like that. You didn’t even know him all that well.”
I realize with shock that to an outsider it seemed that way but to me, I thought that I knew enough about him to know what was important. The words, ‘We didn’t have a relationship, we only had a few dates,’ keep playing over and over in my head. How come every one else seemed to know this, and I was the last to see it?
Chapter 31: Going Through the Motions
I go through the motions and make it through the last semester before graduation. As I tell several of my friends from my classes about my break, they all sympathize and say I should forget about him. Leigh went home to her family to celebrate Easter, and Diana went home to have a Seder with her mom and Stepdad. My parents are going to Jamaica for their anniversary, and Ross is going on a cruise with his friends to celebrate their senior year of high school, so there is really no point in going home, and I am glad to have the apartment to myself with my thoughts. I am trying not to dwell on Spring Break, but I keep going over everything in my mind, and I can’t help feeling depressed.
I decide, since I was raised to be a polite Jewish girl, I would write a thank you letter to Kyle.
April 9, 1993
Dear Kyle,
I just wanted to thank you for letting me stay at your house over Spring Break and for driving me to the airport. I know that things did not work out as planned. I wish you all the best with Diana or whomever you decide to be with. I considered you a friend, too, so I hope you don’t mind if I write to you once in a while and we stay in touch. If you don’t want to stay in touch, I understand and if I do not hear from you, you will not hear from me again.
Wishing You the Best,
Abigail
I am starting to wallow in pity at the thought of Kyle being with someone else and never seeing or speaking to him again. I miss there being someone else out there who had feelings for me, even if they did not want the same things as I did. I am feeling really alone and am thinking that I should have asked Diana if I could have joined her family for their Seder. The phone rings. It’s Jason. I had seen him earlier this week at the Hillel House Seder and had quickly filled him in giving him an abbreviated version of the disaster with Kyle.
“Hi, Abigail. I’m feeling lonely and missing Chelsea! Do you want to feel lonely together?”
Normally, we would go to the bar but because it is Passover and both of us observe the dietary restrictions we decide to go bowling.
It is great fun even though I am an extraordinary klutz and throw mostly gutter balls.
“Think of the ball as Kyle.”
I laugh a little at that and throw it hard. We talk a little bit more seriously as we are walking home about the failed relationship or whatever Kyle chooses to call what we had and his sadness over at his decision to end things with Chelsea. I look at myself and Jason and think morosely, the two of us are so pathetic, wallowing in ‘what could have been.’ I know that Kyle is not feeling any regret right now and is probably out having a great time with Diana. Jason confides,
“Sometimes I wish that I had just stayed with Chelsea to the end of this year. I know she won’t fit in to my plans, and I’ve got to start thinking about a future wife, but I did love her.”
I come back with,
“The problem I have is that Kyle claims that I took things too seriously and that I needed to back off from him. I know he is a jerk, but I just can’t help but miss him. Everybody thought I was crazy to do this: to date someone who had been married before and was almost 13 years older than me, but when we were together none of that mattered. At least not for me.”
Jason walks me to my apartment door.
“Do you want to come in for a minute?”
Jason nods, and we continue our conversation about what we miss most about Chelsea and Kyle. Jason pauses for a minute and leans over and kisses me. The kiss is wet and sloppy, and I feel none of the passion that I did with Kyle, but I let him continue. Jason pulls away and sighs.
“Abigail you are somebody I could bring home to my parents and tell them I want to marry you someday. They approved of you when I told them about you four years ago. It’s just too bad that I don’t’--.”
I interrupt, “I know what you mean. My parents liked you too and would have accepted you easily. It’s too bad that as much as we want to, we just don’t feel it.”
Jason chimes in, “I like you though and am glad we are friends.”
I sigh.
“Me, too. Let’s just hope there is someone out there for both of us who we feel passionate about that will fit into our lives and futures.”
He and I hug for a long time thinking about and hoping for that future so that we can move on.
The next couple of weeks go by as I try to get excited about graduation, but I feel like I am just going through the motions. My friends think that I should just get over things already, but it’s not that easy. I just can’t seem to muster a lot of enthusiasm about classes or job interviews, and I feel as if I am going through everything on auto-pilot.
One day, I am studying for an upcoming test and the phone rings. It’s Jack from The Sun Sentinel offering me the position of Junior Proofreader after I graduate. It’s the most exciting offer I have had as the other is from a local grocery store advertiser, and I wouldn’t make enough to live on my own. I would either have to get roommates or, more likely, stay at my parents’ which would be no fun after having an apartment up at school for most of the year. Yet, I wondered: could I handle living so close to Kyle and not having him in my life? I am not sure my emotional state can take it.
I call my parents that night. Only my dad is home. ‘This is good,’ I think. ‘I can have a much more rational conversation without mom around.’
“Hi, Abigail. What’s new?”
I tell my dad about my latest job offer. Then I take a deep breath.
“Dad, I need to tell you something. I have been hurting for a long time, and I just need to tell somebody, especially now.”
He listens.
“I am very excited about The Sun Sentinel, it’s the best offer I have had, but I don’t know if I can handle Florida emotionally. I didn’t tell you everything about Kyle because I was too embarrassed. The truth is, after the first night when he acted so glad to see me, he told me he had met someone else. I didn’t want anyone to know because I felt so foolish,”
I started to cry. I could hear a deep breath over the phone as if dad is trying to control his anger.
&
nbsp; “Abigail, you are a beautiful smart woman, and mom and I are proud of who you have become. We let things go as far as they did with Kyle even though we knew things were not going to be what you wanted. You had to grow and experience meeting different kinds of people.”
I try to stop crying.
“But do you think going to Florida and living so close by is a good decision?”
Dad thinks a moment then advises, “This is the best job opportunity you have received. I think it’s worth a try. You can always change jobs if you feel it is not working out for you. Let me tell you something,” he continues. “You will go on many dates in your lifetime. A few years down the road when you are an established, award winning writer, you will meet that someone special.”
I am overcome with emotion and am thankful for his encouragement and support.
“Dad, just one more thing. Please don’t tell mom about this yet. I want to tell her in my own time I just don’t want Ruth and Sherman Katz and the rest of the world knowing my business.”
He promises to keep things to himself for now, and I hang up feeling a lot better about things.
The next day, I call Jack and tell him with excitement that I accept his job offer. We decide on a start date, two weeks after graduation, which will give me time to get settled down there. I think that I probably can stay with grandma, which dad will like as her health has been steadily declining, until I find some roommates and a place to rent. I try not to dwell on my past but look forward to the future and my new job.
If I am going to come clean with things and have a fresh start, there is someone else I can start over with and be a better friend to. I think long and hard, and then I write a letter.
May 2, 1993
Dear Jennifer,
I know I have not been the best friend to you this year, and I hope you can forgive me for that. As you may have heard, I went out briefly with your cousin Kyle this year. Things are over between us and before you ask, the answer is no we did not and that is all I want to say. I have accepted a job offer with The Sun Sentinel. I start in June and will be living close by to where you are. I hope we can get together. I hope that you are doing well.
A Relationship...Or Something Like It Page 10