Grandma thinks a minute.
“I know how you felt about Kyle and that he hurt you pretty badly. That kind of hurt does not go away overnight. Take your time. Keep giving Frank and anyone else you may meet a chance. It will either work out or it won’t, but you won’t know if it will work or not unless you keep trying. One day, you will know what you want.”
She sips her tea and is silent for a long time and then she speaks again.
“This may sound very strange to you, but there are people who are better off when they are with someone who loves them more. I think you are the type of person who puts your whole heart out there. I don’t think that is a bad thing but when circumstances don’t work out, you are the one who is hurting. Maybe you need to be with somebody who loves you more than you love them.”
I think about what grandma said. Being with Frank is nice and peaceful, and I enjoy talking to him. I may not feel the passionate highs that I did with Kyle, but there are no lows either. If Frank does ask me out again, I will say yes and see how things turn out. At least I won’t be emotionally devastated if we decide we are not right for each other.
We move on to other topics such as my parents, how Ross is enjoying his first year of college, and my Uncle and cousins in New Jersey. She tells me that she is glad that I live here now so that we can share holidays like this more often and that she’s happy that I am making new friends and enjoying my job. I try to quiz her on how she is feeling, and she assures me that she’s fine though a little bit tired.
“All a part of getting old. Tell your father not to worry so much.”
I am happy that I have this relationship with my grandma. It is so different from Grandma Sybil. When Grandpa Stanley was alive, Grandma Sybil used to tell him how she married him out of spite. While Grandma Fanny and Grandpa Nathan always seemed to have a great time together; they definitely had the kind of love that grew over time, and she genuinely missed her partner in life when he passed away. That is the kind of relationship that I want to find someday. I reach over and give her a hug, just because.
“Happy Thanksgiving!”
Chapter 36: Making An Effort
After Thanksgiving, Frank calls me up and asks me out again. It is a beautiful Florida night, and we decide to go miniature golfing. I am very bad at sports, I’m very uncoordinated, and I miss the hole more often than not. He is not very good either, and we make a contest of who can get the highest score. We try to swing the club while our backs are facing the hole, standing on one foot, and other silly moves.
When the game is done, we go out for ice cream. I am enjoying my mint chocolate chip cone and get some on my chin. Frank takes his finger and wipes it affectionately and then kisses me on the lips right in front of everybody. I smile shyly.
“I can really get used to you,” he says.
I smile at him.
“This was a good idea. I had lots of fun.”
Frank grabs my hand under the table.
“I really like you a lot, but Lucy’s new coach has her in a lot of competitions. I know you will be busy at work, but I hope you will agree to keep seeing me when I am in town.”
I look into his dark, brown eyes and decide to be honest with him.
“I like you, too, and you are very nice. I want to spend time with you, too, but I want to take things slowly. I was involved with someone last year that even though it ultimately turned out not to be serious, I had very strong feelings about him.”
He looks at me understandingly.
“I have a lot going on now getting into a new routine now that Lucy’s gymnastics training and competition has gone up a notch. You can set the pace on this.”
He leans over and gives me another kiss.
From that point on, over the next few weeks, Frank and I see each other whenever we have a free moment. He calls me on the telephone regularly to ask about my day and to talk about whatever is on his mind. We go to movies, the theater, bowling, and miniature golfing with and without Lucy. He keeps his word about me setting the pace. He walks me to the door and ends our dates with a single kiss. We hold hands, and he puts his arm around me when we are at the movies or watching television at his or my house. He even gives me a bottle of perfume and a box of chocolates for Chanukah.
My roommates and our neighbors host a joint potluck dinner the weekend before Christmas, and he comes over with Key Lime pie. He has a good time fitting in with my friends and their conversations. I know that I should be very happy, and I am glad to be part of a couple, but I feel like there should be more.
The paper asks me to cover a gymnastics meet in Tampa the weekend after New Year’s. It’s one Lucy is competing in. Frank is excited to hear that I will be there.
“I definitely want to take you out to dinner afterwards. My parents are coming up too; we have a suite.”
I tell him that the paper is paying for me to spend the night in a hotel. There is a long pause.
“Maybe after Lucy is tucked in, I can come by and visit you if that’s alright.”
I know that in spite of his patience, I have to make a choice soon because it is not fair to anyone to stay in limbo like this. I just say casually,
“Let’s see how things go when we are up there. Remember, I am there to work.”
I hang up the phone and just sit with my hands in my head for several minutes. Cara comes in the living room.
“What’s the matter Abigail? Is everything okay?”
Kathryn comes into the room a moment later.
“What is going on?”
I look at both of these women who have become my friends. I tell them,
“I am just so confused about Frank. I keep comparing him to Kyle and as nice as Frank is, it does not compare to the feelings and the chemistry that I had last year. I think I need a little bit more time, and I don’t know how much more Frank is willing to give me. I am not even sure I want things to go further.”
I go on to tell them about the gymnastics meet that I am covering, and his comment about wanting to visit me in my hotel.
“He knows I want to go slowly, but we haven’t discussed how inexperienced I really am. I am not even sure that I want that with him.”
Cara speaks first.
“Having sex is a big decision. My first time was with my high school boyfriend. It was a very special experience, and we both wanted to very much. The first few times you do it, it may not be the best, so you need to make sure it is with someone you care about and who cares about you. If it doesn’t feel right, tell him so right up front.”
Kathryn chimes in,
“Evan is my first and only. We waited two years before we decided it was right. You definitely need more time. Frank seems like a nice guy. I don’t think he’ll push you. The question is, do you want him eventually? It sounds like you may not be truly over Kyle until you get some closure. Maybe you can call him or at least find out what he is up to right now. I don’t think you will truly be able to move on until you know.”
My mom calls later that night.
“Mom, I want to talk to you about something that you may not want to hear.”
She prompts, “What is it? Are you still seeing that gymnast’s father? From what you tell me, he sounds like a decent guy, although with children involved…”
I begin. “Yes with a child involved, especially one as special as Lucy, I need to make a decision one way or another before somebody gets too attached.”
I tell mom about my upcoming assignment at the gymnastics meet, the hotel room, and then tell her,
“I like Frank. I think he is really nice, but I can’t help comparing what I feel for him to my feelings for Kyle. I need some closure. Is there any way you can ask Ruth to find out whether he is still dating that Diana or anybody else? I need to know before I can move on.”
Mom pauses a long moment.
“You know what I think, but you can’t help your feelings. I know Ruth is going to his niece’s Bat Mitzvah tomorrow night, and I would think h
e would be there. What would you want Ruth to say?”
I think a moment.
“I guess just have her tell you if he is there with anybody. Maybe have her go up to him casually and ask if he knows that I am living in Florida now and if he has heard from me, even though we all know he has not. I think that would be a good way for her to gauge his reaction.”
I break a long silence by saying, “Thank you for understanding, Mom. I love you.”
She tells me how excited she is that I will be home for a visit later this week. I had arranged for vacation time from December 29th through January 3rd. As one of the newer employees and Jewish, I had volunteered to cover the press room on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so they gave me a few days off around New Year’s. We say our goodbyes shortly after, and I wonder what kind of news Ruth will bring.
Chapter 37: Visiting Home
My dad meets me at the gate. He has a big smile on his face and gives me a hug.
“I am so glad to see you! You are looking well. It sounds like taking the job with The Sun Sentinel was a good decision.”
I smile, too, happy to see him and to be home. Surprisingly, as much as I wanted to be away and independent, I have been missing home lately.
“So,” Dad asks. “What do you want to do?”
I am hungry and think of my favorites that nothing in Florida compares to.
“Maybe sizzling steak at the Wok Palace for lunch and of course Greektown for lamb and flaming cheese while I am here!”
He pulls into the driveway, and I see the welcoming glow of my childhood home.
Mom is waiting by the front door.
“Abigail!”
She too gives me a big bear hug the minute I am inside. She rambles on about plans to go to Wok Palace for dinner. She knows me all too well, and I inform her that it sounds perfect and while I am in town I would like a Coney dog and chili fries as well. She says she is happy to oblige and the house has been too lonely with me living out of town and Ross in college.
“Though, he does come home plenty of weekends with his dirty laundry!”
I laugh remembering doing the same thing when I was away at school. Dad goes upstairs. Mom looks at me with a concerned expression.
“I think you need to sit down.”
I get a sinking feeling in my stomach, knowing she is going to tell me what Ruth found out at the Bat Mitzvah. We sit on the couch in the living room.
“First of all, he came with a woman named Diana. I guess he bought a house, and they are living together. When she asked if you had contacted him and if he knew you were nearby, he did not seem to care very much.” She takes a deep breath. “So now you know, and you can move on.”
I am in a state of shocked silence. All I can think of over and over is our last conversation. “We didn’t have a relationship. We only had a few dates.” I think he really and truly believes that. Nothing that happened between us was all that meaningful and important to him. I look up at mom and blink back my tears.
“I’m tired from my flight. I think I’ll go to my room.”
I flop onto my familiar bed and have a good, long cry.
The rest of my visit in Michigan I feel like I am going through the motions. I go to my favorite restaurants and try to make an effort to visit old friends, but I cannot muster much enthusiasm. How blind I was! “We didn’t have a relationship. We only went out on a few dates.” The words that have been stuck in my head for the last few months that have kept me from moving forward with my life, I hear even more clearly than the day they were spoken. The news I received makes what he said more real. I feel raw and emotional, and I spend a lot of time alone in my room sleeping.
My concerned parents practically force me to go to a New Year’s Eve party that Diana is throwing. She has been accepted to a graduate program in Psychology at a nearby university and she is staying at her dad’s and stepmom’s house. She and Matt are still together, and they are holding hands affectionately; their problems put behind them for now. Leigh has met somebody new, Jacob, who is tall and broad-shouldered and has an easygoing smile. Everyone’s togetherness reminds me how alone I am. I think of Frank back in Florida. He had called me earlier in the day to wish me a Happy New Year and told me of his plans to host a sleepover party for Lucy and her friends. I wonder if I could lose myself in him and move on and if I am ready to go to the next level with him. I think of the gymnastics tournament that I am covering next week and wonder what I want to happen between Frank and I or if I even want anything to happen. At 11:45, we turn on the television for the countdown. In the last 10 seconds of 1993, we count backwards, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2……Happy New Year! Diana and Matt pass out champagne, and we all toast. Then the couples kiss and like always, I am the one observing on the sidelines. If I decide I want to, I can make some changes in my life, starting with next weekend. Do I want to enough? I know deep down that the chemistry that I had with Kyle, as much as I want it to be, is not there with Frank.
I spend the next few days in my pajamas in my bed. I only get up for meals and to go to the bathroom. In spite of all that sleep, I feel exhausted and run down. On the day I am set to go back to Florida, I force myself to wake up and get dressed. I drag myself over to the mirror and look at the bags under my eyes. In spite of her protests, I have asked my parents to tell Frank that I am not home when he calls. I know I have to face him eventually but do not feel like doing it now. The news of Kyle’s serious involvement with Diana makes me feel the heartbreak as strongly as I did last spring when he first broke the news that he had met someone else and that feeling makes me want to avoid Frank and his obvious interest. Frank seems too much in the present, and he wants things from me that I am not sure I have the energy to give.
My dad drives me to the airport. When we get to the gate, he leans over and kisses my cheek.
“I know it was a tough week for you. Give yourself time, and you will see what is important to you and what matters.”
I am so weary, and I didn’t think my heart could break anymore over, Kyle but I am feeling even more hurt than before. He really saw us as not having a relationship but just a few insignificant dates. As I have done most of this past week at home, I take down a scratchy airline blanket and sleep on the whole flight back.
Chapter 38: An Ice Cream Cry and Friendly Advice
I pick up my car from long term parking and drive back to my house. I stop off at the grocery store for coffee chip ice cream, one of my favorite comfort foods. Miranda is watching a soap opera that she recorded in the living room. She looks up.
“How was your trip?”
I take one look at her and start to cry. She shuts off the TV and motions for me to sit on the couch. I spill the whole story of what my mom found out from Ruth, how it brought back all the bad feelings from spring, and I don’t know what I want to say and do when I next see Frank. Miranda looks up with a concerned expression.
“Here, let’s get two spoons, dig into that ice cream, and talk.” She sighs. “Damien, my ex-boyfriend, the one who cheated on me, got a new girlfriend a month later. It was so hard for me. The thing is, we have so much history together. Before we dated, we had known each other since elementary school. Later, when we worked back to being friends, he told me he was glad that I stuck to my principles and morals and I should always.”
I sigh. “Men! Speaking of which, I still don’t know what I need to do about Frank, especially since I know the truth about everything and am realizing how much I am still hurting. I don’t know if he is patient enough to let me work through this or if I even want him to wait.”
Miranda smiles sadly. “I have a story covering a local county fair the days of the gymnastics meet; otherwise, I would do it for you if you wanted me to, but I really think you need to see Frank and figure things out for yourself.”
I sniffle. “I know. Let’s not talk about this anymore.”
We each pick up a spoon and dig into the ice cream, sit back, and watch our soap.
&n
bsp; For the rest of the week leading up to the gymnastics competition, I keep my phone conversations brief and make excuses of being busy when Frank calls. I do much of what I did during my visit home. I go to work, go home, and go to sleep. I have also taking to going to a nearby pay phone and calling Kyle’s number at odd times. For most of the times I call, the answering machine picks up, and I just listen to his voice. On one occasion, however, he picks up and asks,
“Hello, hello! Who is this?”
I just hang up. Then another time, a woman, I assume Diana, answers the phone and I hang up immediately. This call leads to a crying jag. I was just a few meaningless dates to him. How will I ever trust myself to let somebody else get close and know that he may betray me and tell me the same thing?
In spite of my depressed mood, the week speeds by, and it is time for me to travel to cover the gymnastics meet where I cannot avoid Frank any longer. Frank calls me and asks if I want to drive up with him, Lucy, and his parents. I decline telling him I need to get up there early to get settled in the press box and interview the other competitors and their families. He says he understands, and he looks forward to spending time together later.
When I arrive to the gym, I see that much of what I tell Frank is true, even if he had come up earlier to meet me, I would have been too busy to pay him much attention. The photographer and I discuss which competitors we are featuring and the best shots to take. I am interviewing an 8-year-old girl from Jupiter, when Frank walks in with Lucy and his parents. He gives me a bright smile and winks, understanding that I am working. I maintain the same professional demeanor when I talk to him and Lucy, and he does the same until, at the end of the interview, he leans over and whispers in my ear,
“All set for dinner tonight!”
A Relationship...Or Something Like It Page 12