by Bry Ann
“I know he can take care of himself Dana, but I figured after all that went down with him recently you’d be a little worried. Plus, I heard you’ve lost weight. Are you eating okay?”
“Oh my gosh! I’m fine. I just put some cinnamon in my hot chocolate. That’s all! Okay? Cinnamon helps your metabolism.”
That breaks the tension. Logan starts cracking up.
“Oh man,” he says as he tries to catch his breath, “I’ve been working way too hard. I’m gonna tell my trainer I’m never eating chicken and broccoli again.”
A smile spreads across my face. “I miss you bro. Sometimes I miss just us. I love everyone, don’t get me wrong, but…”
“I understand Dana. We need to make more time for each other. Hanging out, just the two of us. Like old times.”
“I’d like that.” A lot.
“Then it’s a plan sis. Anyway, I gotta go. I just wanted to check in with you. See if you were okay. I love you.”
“I love you too. I’m so proud of you Logan. You’re such a great guy.”
“Thanks Dana.”
Click.
With that one sound I am all alone again. As the silence rings throughout the room I decided to wrap myself back up in my security blanket. Everything is just too much. I think Sam feels the same way. There just is not enough time between tragedies to recover. Sam was taken a year ago, then I was nearly murdered by a gang known for killing less than a few months ago, I nearly lost Gunner and now all the revelations about Alex. Worst of all is the threat of losing my best friend all over again hanging in the air. It is taking everything I have not to fall back into old patterns. My urges higher than they’ve been in years, and it’s really crazy to me in this moment that I have been in recovery for years. It sure doesn’t feel like it. It’s in this moment that I realize I’m slipping. I’m isolating, barely eating, I’ve missed therapy appointments, I want to self harm so bad I’ve been envisioning exactly how I’d do it.
I hate how weak I am.
I grab my phone and reach out to the one person I swore I wouldn’t. I wanted to prove I could do this on my own. I never can. Not without my demons.
Me: “Hey. If you get a free second from kicking ass can u call me. No biggie.- D”
Not even thirty minutes later I hear a familiar ringtone. The one I set just for him. I practically leap out of my mess of blankets on the couch.
I will hold strong.
I won’t relapse.
I can handle this level of stress.
That’s what I’m telling myself, but my inner devil’s voice is louder.
You can’t handle this. One cut. One drink. One meltdown.
Chapter 11 (Gunner):
“Hey. If you get a free second from kicking ass can u call me. No biggie.- D”
No biggie. I always fucking laugh when she says ‘no biggie’. We’ve been friends for years. I think she realizes that I know by now when she says ‘no biggie’ something fucking big is on her mind.
The second I can pull away from Anatoli and Tobias I do. I can’t focus anyway. Not while knowing she needs me enough to text for help.
I dial her number quickly. The phone only rings once before her all too familiar voice answers the phone. Her tone is a pathetic attempt at sounding casual. I have to admit, despite being in a dick mood for work, it is good to hear her sweet voice.
“What’s going on Dana?”
I make an effort not to sound as angry and hardened as I feel in the moment.
“You are definitely in work mode,” she says with a laugh.
“Yeah, I am.”
I run a hand through my hair. I don’t want her to think I’m not there for her, but I don’t know how to be the me I need to be to take down a guy like Pytor and the man she has come to know.
“I don’t have anything important to say. I just wanted to hear from you.”
“Babe,” I laugh. “Number one thing I know about you is you don’t reach out to people for no reason. Just say what’s on your mind.”
I know she hates it when I make it sound so easy, but in my mind it is. If she’s got a problem, say it. Nothing can get resolved if she keeps it bottled up.
“I just… I miss you. I feel lonely.”
Instantly, I tense. I haven’t really thought about how much this must be for to handle. We just recovered from the whole thing with the Incidere, now this. Fuck. She could relapse. Honestly, nothing else sends panic through my system like the thought of Dana taking a knife to her skin again.
“You’re struggling?” I grit out. I wish like hell I could be by her side right now.
“I know I’m weak… I don’t know. I wish I could control the timing. I…”
“Dana,” I cut in quickly. “Babe, you are not weak. Honestly this shit is a lot for anyone to handle. This work, well, it just happens to be my coping skill.”
“That’s kind of fucked up,” I hear her mumble. She thinks I can’t hear her, but when I laugh she starts giggling. It is pretty fucked up that planning a guy’s takedown is what calms me.
“I’ll be okay,” she says, the strength coming back in her voice. “It’s good to hear from you Gunner.”
I nod even though she can’t see me. I can’t afford to sound weak right now. She gets it. I’m sure of it. I’m ready to hang up the phone when Dana starts calling my name out urgently, hoping to catch me before the line disconnects.
“Yeah, Dana, what’s up?” I really have to go.
“Gunner is there something you, Sam, Rex and Alex aren’t telling me?” Her voice is soft, but reality hits me like a block of ice. Fuck. If this goes south and something happens to Alex how will I tell Dana? I won’t fucking fail at killing Pytor. I won’t get killed. I’m sure of that, but Alex on the other hand. Mentally and/or physically, I am not sure she will be totally okay. Anatoli, Tobias and I are doing everything we can to ensure her safety, but fuck, she will be in Pytor’s hands for a while. All we can really do is make sure he doesn’t kill her. This is such a fragile plan. I don’t like that. Not one fucking bit.
“No Dana there is nothing you need to know.” It’s true. She doesn’t need to know anything right now.
“I know you’re lying just so you know. Alex didn’t say bye to me when she left. She wouldn’t do that unless something was wrong.” Fucking Alex. “You know I’ll find out what it is.”
“Don’t do anything stupid Dana.”
“Don’t tell me what to do.” I throw my head back. I love that she is fearless with me, but fuck, I can’t worry about her too. I drop my tone.
“Dana Prescott, trust me. I will tell you what you need to know when the time is right. Don’t fuck this up.”
There is a long silence and then…
“Okay.”
“Promise me.”
“I promise.”
“I love you Dana.”
“I love you too Gunner.”
Her voice is tense. I hate ending the call like this, but I can hear Tobias and Anatoli shuffling around in the other room. I need to get back. I end the call as gently as possible, and promise to call her back as soon as I can. Please let her be okay until I get back. I run my hand over my face before pushing off the wall and throwing the door open.
“Where were we?” I grit out when I enter the room. Tobias looks very amused, which is rare as fuck for this guy. He seems to be thoroughly fucking entertained by the fact that I have a woman. He doesn’t understand love. I get that. I didn’t either, not until I met Dana. I was in the same boat as him for a long time, but now he’s just pissing me off.
“Talking to your woman?” he muses.
“Yes and shut the fuck about it. Alex is on her way here. Don’t let the first sight she see’s be you with your face bashed in.”
Tobias’s stance widens on instinct. “You would lose that fight Gunner.”
Honestly, for the first time in my life, I think I would. Tobias and I both glance over at Anatoli. He hasn’t said a word in over an hour. His eyes
are unfocused, and I know it is because of Alex. His jaw is wound tight. I don’t even know what to say in this situation. I know just the vaguest details of their time together, but I do know he is the reason she escaped. Tobias takes the lead on this one. He walks over and looks Anatoli straight in the eye.
“Don’t be a fucking pussy. This fucking girl…” he shakes his head and steps away. Then he turns to me. “Alex has always turned this trained assassin into an over productive stepbrother.”
“Watch it T,” Anatoli warns. Tobias is completely unphased. I know enough about their world to know just because Anatoli is the kinder of the two he is not to be underestimated.
A little over forty minutes later a car pulls in. I practically jump to the door. I need away from these two for a second. Rex walks up first. I don’t wait for Alex. I immediately pull him into the other room. I know Alex is following close behind him. She is probably just mentally prepping herself outside. I see the door start to open, but Rex and I are already gone.
This is something they all need to handle on their own. They can deal with whatever past shit needs to be dealt with, but ultimately Anatoli and Tobias know the plan. They know what needs to be done.
It’s their job to tell her.
Chapter 12 (Alex):
I’m gonna be fucking sick. I don’t want to face them. They tormented me, trapped me into a life of prostitution... and tried to help me save my baby's life. Anatoli was like half captor, half brother.
I let Rex walk in first. Let him “check things out” while I take deep breaths outside and try not to vomit. I take four deep breaths, in out in out, before I decide to say screw it and throw the warehouse doors open.
They look just as menacing and terrifying and strong as they did before. Anatoli with his tan skin and green eyes. Tobias with dark eyes and scar riddled body. I thought I’d be afraid. Nervous. But all I feel is relief. In a sick way seeing them reminds me what I went through was real. It grounds me. They were my captors, but also my protectors. I always knew they’d never let anything too terrible happen to me. They knew my where my strength began and ended so they would never let anything happen that I couldn’t handle.
“Men,” I croak out with a nod. Tobias snickers. He seems ever so slightly more relaxed than before. I emphasize the word slightly.
“Alex,” Anatoli says softly. “You look better.”
Yeah, because last time you saw me I was coming out of my third year being a hooker and was desperate to escape after finding out I was pregnant with God knows who’s baby.
“Thanks. You guys look the exact same.” No response. “Are you still an asshole Tobias?”
He glares at me. “I still don’t like you. Watch it.”
“So yes.” A faint smile appears on Anatoli’s lips.
“I’m sorry about your baby Alex. I have to say it.” Everyone in the room stiffens instantly.
I swallow the lump in my throat. “Her name was Anna,” I whisper. It feels weird telling this to Anatoli now after everything that’s happened.
“I heard. Thank you. There is no greater honor.” I swallow the sobs, the heartache and shove it down deep.
“It feels weird seeing you all as a free woman.”
“Yeah, I'm used to seeing you fucking someone. This is stranage” I can always count on Tobias.
“Thank you dickhead.”
“Are you two ten?” Anatoli snaps at us. Ah, old times.
“So I think we should try and prevent this from being any more awkward. Why don’t you two just tell me what is in store for me. I know that is why Gunner evacuated the scene with Rex.”
Both Tobias and Anatoli look at each other. Tobias looks at me, and I see the faintest flicker of doubt cross them. He doesn’t think I can do this. He either thinks I can’t do it or can’t handle it. I’ll prove him wrong.
Well, I say that now. Let’s see how I feel when I’m in front of my worst fucking nightmare.
“You should have a seat Alex.”
Anatoli pulls out a chair for me and waits for me to sit. Then he practically throws one at Tobias before taking a seat himself.
I am grateful for the seat, because my legs are shaking now. The warehouse is cold. I’m scared. Tobias and Anatoli are still intimidating. They still held me down when I begged them to stop. Tobias still handcuffed me to a table so I had to live my worst nightmares over and over. I know what they are capable of. Darkness, pain, evil, kindness and mercy. It has been years since then, and I am just praying they care enough to not let me die now. Would they even really care if I died? Did Anatoli just help me back then because of the baby?
“You’re overthinking,” Tobias says in his usual stoic heavily accented tone. “That helps nothing.”
“Yeah thanks for the advice. I’ll just turn my fucking brain off.”
Tobias shoots me a look I can’t quite interrupt, but if I had to guess it’s a message. Be strong, not stupid. The look is fleeting before he goes back to his usual quiet observant self. As I stare at him and the scars wracking his body I realize, you know what, he probably can turn his brain off. I have no idea how else he would have survived through how he got those scars otherwise.
Tobias sees me staring at his scars and he hardens his face. I quickly look away. He’s so scary. I can feel my body shaking, but don’t let on. These men are a thin line away from good and evil.
“Are you sure you are up for this?” Anatoli asks.
“Well is there another way?”
“No. Not without putting your friends at risk.”
“Then I guess I am up for it. Can we just get to the plan? This meetup is so awkward Im cringing.”
Anatoli laughs and mumbles something about missing me, but the mood quickly dies. Anatoli looks over at Tobias as they decide who will break the news to me. Tobias gives Anatoli a dark glare. Knowing them, he is warning Anatoli not to be so soft. Tobias always used to accuse Anatoli of that, but I have never understood why. I mean other than the end, and the few times Anatoli and I got along, Anatoli is the guy who held me there against my will the majority of the time.
“Okay Alex,” Anatoli leans forward on to place his elbows on his knees. “Gunner has thought this through to death. I mean every scenario, every situation, every possible way to make this as safe as possible. He is one smart fuck. While a lot of the plans were relatively safe options, I informed him that Pytor is the smartest, most paranoid man I know. He won’t be fooled easily. So, with that being said, we collectively decided this needed to be as real life of a situation as possible. So here is the plan. From what Gunner and Rex know Pytor hasn’t contacted you since you killed his guard and escaped. Am I correct?”
“That is correct.”
Tobias jerks his chair forward.
“If you are lying to us to save your fucked up sense of dignity you are only fucking yourself over. Got it. Is what you said the fucking truth?”
“Yes. It’s the fucking truth!”
He seems to believe me so he casually leans back, on guard.
“Well if that is the case there is one of two scenarios going on. One, Pytor is planning something big to catch you off guard. That way he can hit you when you have the most to lose. You were at rock bottom when you last saw him. He could have just decided there was nothing left to take from you but your life. He would take no pleasure in that. Not with you. Two, he genuinely doesn’t know where you are.”
“Both of those scenarios makes sense.” I swallow my nerves. He could have just decided there was nothing left to take from you but your life. Comforting.
“If the first is the case, we definitely are being smart by getting in front of him. If his plan commences you are screwed. He will outsmart and outgun us. No doubt.”
I glance at Tobias. He clearly does not like that sentiment. It offends him, but I know from my talks with Anatoli back in the day that Tobias could probably take Pytor down. But if Tobias unlocked that part of himself, that darkness, he may never come back from it and
it would put a lot of people in danger. Anatoli would never let that happen. Tobias is his brother.
“If the second is the case then it would only be a matter of time before he found you anyway. I promise you, he won’t let you win. He won’t let you kill one of his men without seeking revenge. Even if it is the last thing he does.”
“So what is the plan?”
“We got some intel on Pytor. We have a contact per se. Pytor has been searching for you. This man went undercover, kind of,” they grin at each other in a way that confuses me. “He let Pytor know you are in Missouri. Tobias and I are going to leave a trail. Bait him. Lead him here to find us. Let’s just say Pytor is not too fond of us either right now. When he arrives, we will evacuate the scene right before he barges in here. We will leave behind. Fight. Give it your all, but Pytor will take you at this point.”
I swallow and focus on controlling my breathing. Tobias has x-ray vision and if he sees any sense of panic in me he will doubt me. I can’t have that. “
Okay, what then?”
“There’s not much more we can tell you Alex. Gunner is the brains behind the operation. His job is to keep up with the information received and make sure everything goes according to plan. If it doesn’t, it is his job to adjust the plan on the spot iwe keep the most amount of people safe while still fulfilling our mission. Tobias’s job is to spy. He’s the informant. He will fill Gunner in on what’s going on in the building. Not just you. Everywhere. He keeps Gunner up to speed on all the different variables. He will subtly take anyone that stands in our way.”
Take down. Kill. Shit. Fuck. Shit.
“And your job?”
My voice is higher pitched than usual. I’m freaked. I don’t know how to hide it. All I have is my attitude. I have to show them my fear is not affecting me.
“To make sure you don’t die.”
“Oh yeah, right.”
“That’s my only job, but Alex?”
“Yeah.”
His face hardens. “If I intervene it throws off the whole plan. There’s not much I can do other prevent other than your death. You need to know that. You know first hand I am able to watch whatever happens objectively.”