I blow the light layer of dust from a pie and pop a hunk of crust in my mouth, grinning. “Sometimes people try to ruin your day but they end up making it better.”
* * *
Somebody drove into town and picked up a Slip ’N Slide and a plastic kiddie pool. Thanks to Mrs. Fuller’s hose the entire family is sliding and sloshing and splashing around like a bunch of maniacs. Not that their behavior is unusual, only that it’s unusual for us to waste a single drop of precious water that we used to carry in jugs from the natural spring. Even Coyote has joined in the fun, his gloomy face of earlier today replaced with wide-open laughter.
Harmony runs up to me and grabs my hand. Locks of wet hair stick to her cheeks.
“Blue! You have to try it!”
I dash toward the long yellow strip of wet plastic. Harmony jumps on the slide right behind me. My body spins in a full circle before I slam into Doobie in a pool of mud at the end of the slide. Harmony smacks into me, then Jade into her, before Goji plows into all of us, giggling like a little kid. By the time we’ve all taken a few more turns we’re covered in mud. As we lie in an exhausted pile at the bottom of the slide I’m suddenly filled with so much happiness I can’t contain it.
I look at Goji. “Thank you.”
He smiles, his teeth bright white compared to his muddy face. “You see how each day teaches us, brother?”
I know I should answer but all I can think about is that this is the first time he hasn’t put the word little in front of brother.
18
September 1977
The welfare checks are mailed out on the first of every month. In the early years we refused any government help, but after Aura was born, Goji agreed to let Sirona and Jade apply for aid. His reasoning was that people who raise children to make a positive contribution to society deserve the support of the community.
We stop in at the Freestone Country Store on our way into Santa Rosa. Along with the welfare checks, gardening catalogs, and junk mail is an envelope with familiar handwriting that reeks of patchouli. Jade starts to slip the envelope into her pocket but it falls on the floor. Rain grabs it and reads the address. A big smile spreads across her face.
She holds the envelope toward Harmony. “It’s for you. It’s from your mom!”
Harmony stands frozen in place. Her eyes dart from the envelope to Rain and back to the envelope. After what seems like forever, Harmony snatches the envelope and shoves it into the back pocket of her jeans. Rain looks confused. Jade looks terrified. I’ve wondered how they managed to keep the letters from Harmony. It’s obvious now that Goji has instructed the Olders to bring any letters from Gaia directly to him. Looks like he forgot to tell Rain.
I wait until we’re back in the truck to check in with Harmony. “Don’t you want to read it?”
“No.”
“Well then can I read it?”
“No.”
“Harmony . . .”
She slouches forward, resting her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands. “Maybe later.”
It’s the last thing she says between Freestone and Santa Rosa. Jade and Rain are talking a mile a minute up front but the window separating us from the truck cab is closed. Between the sound of the road beneath me and Aura singing “Itsy Bitsy Spider” a million times over, a conversation would be nearly impossible anyway. But I can’t take my eyes off the envelope sticking out of Harmony’s back pocket and the messy return address in the corner, a post office box in Portland, Oregon.
When we arrive at Sears, Jade asks Rain to find us some new pillows. After a bout with head lice last winter we all had to throw out our bedding and start over. We bought blankets and sheets at the thrift store, but Sirona doesn’t trust used pillows. She spent hours combing out the nits and treating all our heads with apple cider vinegar and lye soap, not just once, but three times, to finally get rid of the little buggers. We even had to shave Sunny. He looked like a skinny pig with his pink skin missing all that fur.
Jade hands Aura to Rain. “Take her with you, okay? I need to get some stuff from the hardware department.” She turns to Harmony and me. “Here’s the list from the others. Get as much of it as you can find and we’ll all meet back here by the checkout.”
Jade heads to the left and Rain takes Aura toward the right side of the store. I look over the list before handing it to Harmony. “Should we stay together or take half the list and split up?”
She glances at the paper. “I don’t feel like shopping. Would you mind finding the stuff and I’ll just check it off?”
“Okay, but I might need help with these.” I point to the word Kotex on the list.
Harmony cracks a slight smile. “At least they’re not using sphagnum moss anymore.”
I wrinkle my nose. “Eww.”
We ride the escalator to the second floor. Harmony leaps off before we get to the last step. She isn’t afraid of much, but ever since she got her boot stuck in the escalator when she was seven, she hates the moving stairway. I fake like my shoe is stuck on the top step before climbing off.
Harmony punches me. “Not funny.”
I rub my arm. “Sorry.”
“Sorry I hit you so hard.”
It doesn’t take long to find most everything on the list. Back on the first floor, we throw all the items into a cart and start rolling toward the front of the store. Halfway there, a scream pierces the air. Rain is usually so quiet and reserved. Harmony and I glance at each other and tear off toward her voice. When we find her she’s hysterical.
Rain races to meet us, her eyes wild. “I can’t find Aura!”
Harmony pats Rain’s arm. “Calm down, she has to be nearby.”
“I lost her! I was supposed to be watching her!” Rain stops an elderly couple walking down the aisle between bins of bedding and bath towels. “Did you see a little girl? About three years old? Curly dark hair?”
The woman glances from Rain to Harmony and me. “I saw a little mulatto child backaways.” She points toward the back of the store. “Near the plumbing department.”
Rain takes off running. “Aura! Aura, where are you?”
We chase after Rain, trotting up and down the aisles until I spot our little sister at a bathroom display. She’s sitting on a toilet, grinning.
Aura sees me and claps her hands together. “I pooped!”
Several shoppers have gathered around the display, some of them laughing, others tsking and shaking their heads. I can’t help but snicker. Harmony totally loses it, falling to the floor and howling with laughter.
Rain flies around the corner. She throws her arms around Aura, sobbing. “It’s okay! I’ve got you.”
A store clerk with slicked-back hair juts his chin at Rain. “Miss, you’re going to have to leave the store. We can’t have children soiling the display.” He points to the back of the toilet. “It’s not hooked up to any plumbing, you realize that, right?”
Rain glares at the man. “She’s a little girl! She wandered away and someone could have taken her. The last thing I’m worried about is your stupid display!” She grabs Aura, pulling up her little underpants and smothering her with kisses. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. You must have been so scared.”
Aura isn’t the one who looks scared. Rain’s face has broken out in red blotches.
The greasy-haired clerk calls over a manager, a large woman with blueish hair wearing white nurse-type shoes. She eyes Rain and Aura. “Are you her mother?”
Rain shakes her head. “I’m her sister. I mean her aunt.”
“Well, whichever it is you best keep a better eye on her.”
This sets Rain off again. The crowd grows bigger as word of a kid shitting in the bathroom display passes through the aisles. Fortunately, Jade shows up after hearing the ruckus. When she tries to take Aura, she can’t pry her out of Rain’s arms. Aura starts crying, reaching for her mother.
A scowling older man in the crowd grabs his wife and pulls her toward the aisle. “What’s this world coming to? That nigger love
r raising her child like a jungle bunny, crapping in the store.”
Jade is a small person, but when she’s mad you’d best stay out of her way. She marches up to the hateful man and stands so her face is within inches of his chin. “Nigger lover? Why yes, I am. I love everyone, including ignorant bigots like you.” She rests her hands on her hips and turns to face the other customers. “What’s the matter with you people? Don’t you have something better to do than upset my sister and my daughter?” She pulls Rain to her feet, then motions to Harmony and me. “Come on, kids. Get your cart.”
The crowd parts as the five of us walk toward the front of the store. We’re almost done checking out when Harmony runs back down the center aisle. “I forgot something,” she calls behind her.
Jade pays for our stuff and turns to me. “Blue, wait for Harmony and meet us at the truck.”
I know where I’ll find her. I round the corner of the plumbing department just as Harmony zips up her jeans. She looks at the crabby store clerk and shrugs. “Sorry, I just couldn’t hold it.”
* * *
On the way home, Aura falls asleep in Rain’s lap. Rain has stopped crying but every once in a while she does this hiccup-sniff thing, several short gasps, followed by a shudder.
Jade pats Rain’s leg. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“You trusted me and I let you down.”
“No you didn’t. If anything you proved your fierce loyalty to this family. I love you for that.”
Rain looks up from Aura, whose sleepy face looks like a little lion cub. “Really?”
Jade shifts down to low gear as we pass the Fullers’ house and turn down the bumpy two-track toward SFC. “Really.”
* * *
I find Harmony hiding in the old teepee that the original members built in the early days of SFC. The outside has peace signs painted on it and the words One Love. It smells smoky and a little moldy. Gaia and Harmony lived in the teepee for a while, but when Gaia left, Harmony moved into the tree house with the rest of us. We’ve used it for a lot of things, including Aura’s birthing room, but now we just store stuff inside. It’s become a great hiding place when we’re trying to dodge the Olders or need some space.
I stand just inside the flap opening. Harmony’s cowboy boot sticks out from behind several boxes of rice and bags of beans.
“Okay if I come in?”
“I guess so.”
I push aside an old rolled-up rug and sit next to her. She keeps turning the envelope over in her hand.
“Are you gonna read it?”
She hands me the letter. “You read it. You like her more than I do.”
“Love her.”
“Whatever.”
I tear open the envelope, being careful not to destroy the return address. The letter is written on lined yellow paper in sloppy cursive loops with circles for dots over every i. A kidney-shaped splotch of coffee marks the bottom of the page. I start reading aloud:
“‘Dear Annie Bananny Harmony Boo. I’m sorry it’s been a while since my last etter.’”
Harmony snorts. “A while? Hah! Her last letter was four years ago. She wrote one time after she left to say she’d be back in a couple of weeks. I think the drugs have killed her brain cells.”
I want so badly to tell her about Gaia’s other letters, but I resist the urge. Goji and the Olders must have a good reason for keeping them from her. I take a deep breath and keep reading:
“‘I’m no longer traveling with The Dead. I met some really cool people who invited me to a Rainbow Gathering. These meetings happen all over, on national forest land where hippies like us share stories, dance, listen to music, and commune with nature. It’s so beautiful! I think you’d love it. I can picture you dancing wildly like you did when you were a little girl.
“‘It was difficult to get a glimpse of you but not talk or spend any time together when I dropped in with the girl I picked up in Salinas. Is she still there? Has she told you her story?
“‘I understand how angry you must be with me for not coming back sooner and then showing up unannounced. The thing is, I know you love Saffron Freedom Community, and it wouldn’t have been right to drag you all over the place with me these past four years. You hated it when we moved around all the time. I feel blessed to know that you are in a safe place with people who care about you.
“ ‘Hopefully you’ll forgive me for not being a better mother. Maybe one day you’ll realize I did what was best for you by leaving you there. I hope the money I’ve been sending has helped you get by.’”
Harmony leans over the page in my lap. “What money?” She grabs the envelope and turns it inside out. “There’s no money in here. She’s such a liar.”
“Maybe she’s been sending a little to Goji or the Olders to help cover your expenses?”
“Why wouldn’t they tell me?”
I shrug, playing dumb, and go back to reading Gaia’s letter.
“‘Anyway I hope you are happy and healthy. I promise I’ll be back to visit soon. I have a very special gift for you! Please give everyone my love. I miss you so much. Love, Momma BoBomma Gaiaaroo’”
I hand the letter back to Harmony. She wads it into a ball and tosses it where the fire pit used to be when she and Gaia lived in the teepee years ago. “What a crock of shit.”
“It sounds like she might come back for another visit.”
Harmony throws her head back and laughs. “You don’t actually believe that, do you? She’s gone for years, shows up for a few hours, then splits again.”
“You made it pretty clear you didn’t want her here.”
“Well, she didn’t try very hard to change my mind. Ruth only cares about Ruth.”
“You said she was only seventeen when she had you. Maybe she was too young to do the mom thing right.”
“Pfft. I’d be a better mother at thirteen than she is at thirty.”
“Will you write her back?”
“Are you kidding?”
“Do you care if I write her?”
She looks at me like her heart just broke in half. “Of course I do. But I won’t try to stop you.”
I hate seeing her so sad. “Hey, Harmony, can you keep a secret?”
She jerks her head up and her eyes grow wide. Harmony loves secrets.
“Goji sneaks candy.”
She slaps me on the leg. “No he doesn’t.”
“Yeah he does. He’s apparently crazy for Zagnuts.”
Harmony shakes her head. “No way! You’re making this up to try to cheer me up.”
“Saw it with my own eyes when Ziggy wandered off one night. I was afraid he’d get eaten by a coyote or bobcat so I brought him inside Goji’s shack.”
“You went in there by yourself without being invited?”
I nod.
“What took you so long to tell me?”
“I’ve been waiting for the right time.”
In the distance the conch shell blows, signaling the call to Aura’s birthday celebration. Harmony leans back against burlap sacks of rice. “I’m not going.”
“Aura will be really sad if you don’t show up.”
“I don’t feel like a party.”
“This isn’t about you.”
She wipes her eyes with the back of her arm and stands. “Fine. I’ll go.”
I wait for Harmony to walk ahead of me toward the circle that’s already forming around our youngest sister. Aura is turning three, the same age I was when I first came to SFC. She claps her hands as we dance around her. Sirona hands her a teddy bear she hand sewed out of a fur coat she got from the thrift store. We had to throw away Aura’s old bear during the lice invasion. Aura jumps up and down, hugging it to her chest. Coyote lifts her onto his shoulders and we all march behind them, singing and clapping.
Goji stands apart, leaning against a tree, waiting to be last. He sometimes does things to purposely show he’s not the leader. He smiles at each of us as we parade by. When Rain is directly in front of him, Goji
takes a step forward and hands her something. I lean over Rain’s shoulder to get a look.
She turns the carving over in her hands. “It’s an owl. Am I supposed to give it to Aura?”
I glance toward the tree where Goji stood just a minute ago. “I’m pretty sure he made it for you.”
She blushes. “For me? But why? It’s Aura’s birthday, not mine.”
“I think it’s supposed to be a totem. Harmony and I learned about them last year.”
“What does it mean?”
I hold out my hand and she drops the wooden bird in my palm. “An owl can mean different things. Some cultures see it as a bad omen.”
“Oh no!”
“But it also represents wisdom and intuition. Maybe he’s just trying to tell you he’s watching out for you. He seems very protective.”
“He does?”
I hand the owl back to her. “Yeah. He definitely does.”
Rain smiles and cranes her neck toward the back of the line to try to meet Goji’s gaze. “Thank you,” she mouths.
Girls say boys are so blind but I swear it’s the opposite.
19
October 1977
Coyote taps my leg as we begin my driving lesson. “Don’t ride the clutch, Blue. Use the brake and wait until you’re ready to shift.”
I step on the brake. The engine lurches and kills.
“Well you got to use the clutch to shift down, just don’t keep pressing on it when you’re not using it.”
I start the truck back up and shift into first gear. “I think it’d be easier to learn if we could go out on the road.”
Coyote laughs. “Easier for who?” He points to a flat area in a warren near the woods. “Stop right over there.”
This time I’m careful to shift down and push in the clutch before turning off the engine. Coyote takes the keys and starts to get out of the truck. “Good job.”
“Wait a sec, Coyote. Can I ask you something?”
“Make it quick. The firewood isn’t going to collect itself and I’m already hungry.”
“I have a question about the army.”
“The army? What about it?”
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