I hand him another shingle. “Can I ask you something, Wave?”
He presses the shingle into place and sits back on his haunches. “Sure you can, brother.”
“What’s it like to be stoned?”
He laughs. “You still haven’t gotten high?”
“I tried but it didn’t work.”
Wave grins. “It feels happy. Peaceful. Introspective. Sometimes it takes a few attempts.”
“Can I ask you something else?”
He nods. “Go ahead.”
“What was it like back then, when there were more people here?”
Wave shakes his head slowly. “It was crazy, man. So many drugs. A lot of sex. Complete chaos. Goji wanted this to be a spiritual community but it got out of hand. People kept showing up that didn’t line up with his ideals. He was very welcoming and open-minded and always gave others the benefit of the doubt. But when people started OD’ing and stealing shit from each other, getting all jealous and not sharing the workload, he finally gave them an ultimatum. Most of them split. Some started a new community a little farther north. I heard it only lasted about six months.”
“How did you and Willow get together when there were so many people back then?”
“Willow was really into yoga. She was always doing all these crazy-hard poses. I was still healing from the shark bite and she told me that yoga would speed up the process. The more she shared, the more I wanted to learn. I guess you could say we connected on our mutual interest in yoga but it was more than that. We just clicked.”
“Are you still in love with her?”
Wave sets down his hammer. “Still? I will always love her. Love isn’t something you fall into. It just is. I love everyone here.”
“Yeah, but it’s different between men and women, right?”
“If you’re talking about intimacy, then yes, it’s different for sure. But that’s just one way of expressing love for another human being.”
He slides another shingle into place and tacks it in. I try to picture what he might have looked like ten years ago, when he and Willow brought me to SFC. He would have been the about the same age as Rain is now. I can’t imagine her taking someone else’s kid. I pick up the hammer and fondle the handle, tap it lightly against my other palm. A kernel of anger lodges in my chest and swells. I love Wave, and yet after reading those articles I feel like I don’t really know people as much as I think.
As if he can read my mind he keeps talking. “Willow can’t have kids, you know that, right? She got pregnant when she was a teen and ran away from home. She had an abortion and they botched it.”
I set the hammer down gently between us. “Is that why she, why you and Willow brought me here that day?”
He lets out a sad sigh. “We were tripping on mushrooms. She convinced me that you were her unborn child and that you’d come to reunite with her. You were about the age her baby would have been if she’d carried it to term.”
I feel the blood run out of my head, making me a little dizzy. I don’t know what to say. I want to stay mad, but after hearing about Willow’s botched abortion the acid in the back of my throat loses some of its bitterness.
The dinner bell rings, interrupting our conversation. Wave unties his nail apron. “You hungry, Blue?”
Food is the last thing on my mind right now, but I’m relieved not to have to spend any more time in my mind. As we walk toward the kitchen he drops an arm over my shoulder and squeezes my arm. “I was young and stoned and neither of those things are a good excuse. I want to tell you I regret it, but I don’t, not really. I love you, brother. I can’t imagine my life, our lives, without you in it.”
* * *
Doobie thinks I’m sleeping when he tiptoes out of our room after midnight. I wait until he’s down the ladder before peeking out the window. He walks toward the center of the community. I assume he’s got the munchies and he’s going to raid the kitchen. Through the holes in the blurry plastic sheeting over my window opening, I spot Lotus walking toward him. They exchange a long hug and sit on a log near the fire pit. A match glows bright before the familiar scent of pot drifts through the air and into the branches of our tree. I hear them giggling and talking softly. Lotus hangs on Doobie’s arm as they stand and stroll toward the Sacred Space.
I lie back on my mattress and think about how I’ll tell Harmony tomorrow, the way her mischievous eyes will light up when I share this juicy secret.
Hours later Doobie trips over my shoes and falls on my bed, waking me from a deep sleep. “Sorry, man!”
“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have left my shoes there.”
I wait for him to get up and climb into his hammock but he doesn’t move. He smells like sweat and tree leaves with a layer of skunky marijuana. His breaths come deeper and I know he’s asleep. Unlike Coyote, Doobie doesn’t snore but sometimes he moans. I never know if he’s in pain or just having a bad dream.
Doobie turns and curls into a ball on his side. I can’t see his face but I can feel him smiling. As I drift back off I realize this secret isn’t going anywhere. Not even to Harmony.
24
Doobie seems more like his usual self, grinning all through morning yoga. Lotus looks different, too. Her dark hair that’s usually pulled into a bun or clipped at the back of her head now falls in bushy waves over her shoulders. Streaks of silver line the strands closest to her face. Her eyes have a sleepy look but she doesn’t seem tired. More relaxed, maybe. During the final savasana pose the two of them interlace their fingers at the edges of their straw mats. Looks like this thing with Doobie and Lotus won’t stay a secret for very long.
As we gather around the breakfast table, Sirona whispers in Goji’s ear. I assume they’re about to make an announcement about the new couple in our midst. Goji pulls his wool cap lower over his ears against the cold. Puffs of steam follow the words out of his mouth.
“Sirona has suggested we go on a family outing tomorrow night to watch a double feature at the drive-in.”
Lotus immediately brightens. “What a lovely idea! You know I haven’t been to a drive-in since Charlie and I were dating.” Her smile disappears for a moment but she quickly finds it again. “What’s playing?”
Sirona tousles Moon’s hair playfully. “Pete’s Dragon.” Moon’s eyes grow wider. He loves books about dragons. “The second movie is Up in Smoke.”
Wave chuckles. “The Cheech and Chong flick?”
Jade puts a finger to her lips. “I’m sure the Youngers will be asleep by the time the second feature starts.”
Goji plucks a glob of oatmeal from his beard, examines it, then pops it into his mouth. “Sounds like we have a plan. Do we have enough reserve funds for all of us to go?”
Sirona frowns. “The kitty is a little dry. We just bought a bunch of warm coats and hats.”
“Let me treat,” Lotus says. “I’m eating food that you all planted and worked and harvested before I got here. It’s the least I can do.”
I love the way Lotus rushes in with help when we need it. She’s given Harmony more confidence in herself as an artist and encourages Wave to get back out there and surf. After she read some of my short stories she urged me to submit them to magazines.
Sirona hugs Lotus. “That’s so generous of you!”
Rain raises her hand, as if she were sitting at a school desk.
Goji smiles sweetly. “You don’t need permission to speak, sister.”
She folds her hands in her lap. “What about the animals? That’s a long time to be away.”
Doobie pats Rain on the back. “I’m sure they’ll be fine for a few hours, sis.”
Rain starts to raise her hand again, then lowers it back down. “May I stay here? I don’t really like the cold, but I love the animals.”
Sirona shakes her head. “You can’t stay here by yourself, hon. It wouldn’t be safe.”
Goji clears his throat. “I think it’s best if I stay behind with Rain. I need to work on some writing anyway.”
“I also have an announcement.” Jade looks at Harmony and smiles. “Our little maiden has become a woman.”
Harmony jerks her head toward me, her cheeks burning red with anger or embarrassment, I’m not sure which. “You told! You promised not to tell!” She pushes away from the table and runs off before anyone can stop her.
“It wasn’t Blue! He didn’t say anything!” Jade calls behind her. “I’m sorry, Harmony!”
Jade slaps her hands on both sides of her face and drops her head. “I found blood in her sheets. I thought it was a happy thing. I even made her a cake.” She lifts her head and looks at me. “Please go tell her I’m sorry.”
I glance toward Goji, who nods. I slip out of my seat and head in the direction she ran, carrying a piece of carrot cake and the knowledge that it’ll probably end up being eaten by whatever critters are nearby when she flings it. I find her in a small clearing surrounded by a group of redwoods, their branches like women’s skirts ruffling in the breeze. When she sees me coming she turns her back to me.
“I didn’t tell them, Harmony.”
“Then how did they know? You were the only person who knew.”
“Jade found blood on your sheets.”
She snorts angrily and wheels around. “It’s nobody’s business. Why do they have to make such a big deal out of stuff like this? It should be private.”
I shrug. “Not much is private, here. You know that. We’re a family.”
“Well, it would be nice to have some privacy once in a while, you know?”
“Yeah, I know. But Jade had good intentions. She feels really bad for upsetting you.”
Harmony spies the dish in my hand. “Is that cake?”
I grin. “Carrot cake.”
We take a few steps toward each other, me hesitant, knowing how unpredictable and stubborn Harmony can be. When she reaches for the cake, I brace myself. She shoves most of it in her mouth and chews dramatically. “Oohh. It’s really good.” When I laugh, she grinds what’s left of the cake in my face, pushing it into my mouth. “What do you think?”
I wipe a bit of frosting off my cheek and pop my finger into my mouth. “Yum.”
Harmony leans forward and licks my face. “You missed some.” She holds her head right next to mine. I feel her breath on my cheek and I don’t know whether to back up or stay still.
After a long, awkward moment she pulls away and stares at me. The corners of her mouth break into a wide smile. “I’m not a maiden anymore,” she says, mocking Jade. She twirls around, clutching an invisible gown. “Look at me, I’m a woman! A queen! I’m a fucking goddess now simply because I can have babies.”
I watch her quietly, being careful not to smile because I’m not sure if she’s serious or just making fun. I think about Willow as a pregnant teen, not much older than Harmony and I, and how scared she must have been.
When Harmony sees my frown, she drops her hands. “Come on, Blue. I’m just kidding.”
“Oh, good. For a minute there . . .”
She tilts her head toward one shoulder and grins. “We girls need our secrets.”
“Maybe. Seems like for such an open community we actually do have a lot of secrets.”
“Like the way Goji spends so much time with Rain, following her around like a sneaky cat? And don’t think I don’t see the way you look at her.”
“I do not.”
Harmony looks off toward the main compound and narrows her eyes, as if she can see Rain in the distance. “She’s really pretty. I wonder what her secrets are?”
Other than the fib about her age, Rain seems pretty much like an open book. “Probably not many.”
“She writes in a diary every day, did you know that?”
“You didn’t . . .”
“Of course not. I would never invade someone’s privacy like that.”
“I know. You’re a good sister.”
She throws her arm around my back as we walk back toward SFC. “I’m a good friend.”
* * *
We all spend most of what’s left of the morning and early afternoon focused on chores before packing the truck for our group adventure. Doobie and Wave lift the camper off the truck so we can sit in the back of the truck to watch the movie. Lotus, Jade, Sirona, and Willow cram into the cab. The rest of us climb in back with snacks and bags of popcorn. We’re layered in winter coats and scarves and snuggled under piles of blankets. Sirona’s old truck crawls down the driveway, six heads bouncing around the back as we drive over ruts left from recent storms.
Rain and Goji wave at us from the gate. Aura tries to climb out of Harmony’s lap when she sees them. “Stop! Wait for Wain!”
Harmony pulls Aura back into her lap and snuggles her. “Rain’s staying behind to look after the animals.” Harmony winks at me. “And Goji is staying to look after Rain!” Wave and Doobie laugh at Harmony’s remark but I don’t think it’s funny.
* * *
We head east toward Santa Rosa and the Star-Vue Drive-In. Sirona drives slow enough so we don’t all freeze but not fast enough for the cars that honk before whizzing past us. Fortunately, it’s a pretty warm day for January. We arrive early and we’re first in line, waiting for the gate to open. Lotus and the sister-mothers join us in the back for an impromptu picnic. We’re just finishing up our sandwiches when a tiny man not much taller than Moon walks up to take our money.
Lotus pulls a billfold out of her purse. “How much?”
“One dollar for kids twelve and under, three dollars a head for the rest.” Lotus counts out twenty-six dollars and hands it to the man. He steps on the tailgate and studies the pile of blankets. “You aren’t hiding anyone in there, are you?”
Lotus laughs. “I don’t think we could fit another body back here if we tried.”
The man doesn’t even smile. He steps on the bumper and lifts the corner of a blanket to reveal ten pairs of legs. “Park next to a speaker and don’t forget to turn your lights off.” He hops down and moves to the car behind us.
Sirona backs into a center spot, two rows from the front. Over the next half hour, one by one we’re surrounded by dozens and dozens of cars full of moms and dads with excited kids in flannel pajamas, and young couples on dates. Doobie and Lotus wrap themselves in a wool blanket. Willow and Wave do the same. Sirona pulls Moon into her lap.
“I’m cold,” Jade says. “We’re moving up to the cab. She takes Aura, who stands backward on the seat to watch the movie.
Harmony snuggles in close to me as the pictures light up the huge screen. “This is the best thing ever,” she says.
Moon hushes her. “Shh! It’s starting.”
About an hour into the movie the blankets start to feel damp and the screen is getting harder to see. The sound on the little speaker is clear but we have to kind of guess what’s on the screen through the fog. An announcement comes through the speakers telling us that anyone who leaves will get a free pass for another night.
Sirona looks around the truck bed at the rest of us. “Shall we try again some other time?”
Moon kicks at the blankets. “No! I don’t want to go!”
As always, we take a vote. Either everyone wants to stay or nobody has the heart to disappoint Moon. We end up listening to the movie we can no longer see. By the time the credits roll, most of the cars have already left. The ones that remain have more fog on the inside than outside.
* * *
We pull back into our driveway a couple hours earlier than expected, since we didn’t stay for the Cheech and Chong movie. Sirona switches off the headlights so we don’t wake Goji or Rain. We creep slowly past Goji’s lightless shack. The whole place is eerily dark and quiet except for a tiny flicker of light dancing across the canvas ceiling of the Sacred Space.
Willow’s hand goes to her mouth. “Uh-oh.”
Doobie snickers. “While the cat’s away . . .”
I crane my neck in
the direction of the Sacred Space. “It might not be what it looks like.”
Harmony laughs and slaps me on the leg. “Oh, come on, Blue. I doubt they’re doing yoga in there.”
Lotus shushes us. “They’re adults, people. Let them be.”
We park at the far end of the community, beyond the tree house by the lean-to filled with stacks of cut wood. Sirona shuts off the engine. A sliver of a moon hangs directly above us. An owl hoots from the edge of the woods.
Moon and Aura have fallen asleep in the cab, their heads clunked together like a couple of drunks. Jade lifts Aura from the front seat. Moon wakes and rubs his eyes, knocking the glasses from his face. Sirona tucks them into her coat pocket. “Time for bed, little man.” She takes his hand and leads him toward the tree house. Sirona glances back at the rest of us, who are all looking toward the Sacred Space. “Come on, you guys. It’s late. And it’s none of our business.”
* * *
Nobody misses morning salutation. Usually at least one of us oversleeps or chooses to skip out but not today. I’m pretty sure I know why.
Goji calls Rain to the front of our group. “I think it’s time we let our sister Rain lead us in greeting this beautiful morning.”
Rain reluctantly trades places with Goji and slowly tiptoes to the edge of his mat. With her palms together, she takes a long breath. She looks at us, glowing, beautiful as always.
“Don’t be shy!” Sirona says. “We all had our first time.”
As soon as it’s out of her mouth Sirona gasps. Jade laughs and Rain blushes, her chin dipping to her chest. She peeks out from behind a curtain of white-blond hair toward Goji.
He nods, smiling. “Go ahead, love.”
Rain finishes another slow, deep breath, then lifts her hands over her head before leaning into a forward bend. We all follow along with her. One by one we move through the poses together, breathing in unison. There’s a sort of reverence among us that I haven’t experienced since the early years. Even Harmony, who almost always makes a joke, and Doobie, who is often the first to laugh at Harmony’s jokes, are completely silent.
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