by Marin Thomas
“Where’s Ryan?”
Marsha glanced up from her computer. Her father stood in the doorway. “He should be home in an hour.”
Her father crossed the room and sat in the chair. Dark shadows ringed his eyes.
“Insomnia?”
He nodded.
“Why don’t you lie down and take a short nap?” She felt helpless when it came to her father’s health. No amount of praying would cure her father’s cancer but it was all that was left in her father’s arsenal of weapons after he stopped seeing his doctor.
“Too tired to sleep,” he grumbled.
“What’s Mom up to?”
“She’s in Yuma having supper with Harriet Preston.”
“That’s right. She told me earlier she was spending the afternoon with her friend.” His expression darkened. “Dad, are you in pain?”
“No more than the usual aches.”
“Ever since you learned that Will fathered Ryan, the worry lines on your forehead have deepened.” She offered a half smile, hoping to tease him into a good mood.
“I’m an old man and set in my ways. Takes me longer to adjust to change.”
“You could buy more time and start cancer treatments again.” The last thing she wanted to do was make her father feel guilty, but the desperate little girl inside her wasn’t ready to let him go.
“Don’t think I haven’t struggled with my decision to allow nature to take its course.”
This was the first time since she’d returned home that he’d opened the door to the subject and she jumped at the opportunity to share her feelings. “I know you have, Dad.” Eyes smarting, she searched her heart for the right words. “I don’t know what I’m going to do when you’re gone.” She sniffed. “You’ve been the only male in my life besides Ryan and you’re my rock.”
His eyes glistened with moisture when he looked at her. “You’ll find the right man one day.”
She’d already found the right man, but her father didn’t approve of him. Not that it mattered—she’d messed things up with Will so badly he’d never give her a second chance.
She loved Will—so why had she lied to him at the dude ranch?
Her father cleared his throat. “William and Ryan appear to be getting along well.”
“They are.” Marsha couldn’t be more pleased with how the father-son relationship was progressing.
“What do they do besides work on the rocket together?”
That her son hadn’t mentioned Will’s dyslexia told Marsha that he’d picked up on his grandfather’s negative attitude toward Will. She hoped it wasn’t so, but kids understood a lot more than adults gave them credit for.
“Ryan enjoys hanging out with the twins and their dog,” she said. “They have fun swimming in the pond.” And she had a sneaking suspicion that Will didn’t ask many questions when Ryan chatted with his new girlfriend Amanda on Facebook.
“My grandson should be spending his energy on more productive—”
“Dad, Ryan pushes himself academically all year. There’s no reason he can’t relax and be a normal teenager during the summer.”
Her father’s finger tapped the chair’s armrest. It was obvious he was struggling to come to terms with being forced to share his grandson with Will. “Ryan and William could hang out here.”
Shocked by the suggestion, she said, “What do you mean?”
“They could play chess on the patio.”
Marsha suspected her father was searching for a way to keep an eye on Will more than wanting to get to know him better. She stared into space, trying to envision Will, Ryan and her father sitting at a table playing a board game.
“Marsha.”
Startled, she jerked in her chair.
“You’ve been distracted lately. What’s wrong?”
He always could see through her.
“I’m a good listener,” he said.
Her first instinct was to flee, but she stopped herself. For years she’d kept her feelings buried inside her. Maybe it was time—especially in light of her father’s health—to settle the past. “You won’t like what I have to say.”
“Confession is good for the soul. Besides, I won’t judge you.”
Yes, he would judge her and be disappointed in her. Even though her mother was out of the house, Marsha got up from her chair and closed the office door— uncertain whether she was preventing herself or her father from escaping. She returned to the desk and considered her words carefully. She wouldn’t go into the details, but she needed her father to know that the one time she and Will had been together he hadn’t pushed her into doing anything she hadn’t wanted to do.
“Dad, Will didn’t pressure me to have sex the night of the prom. I initiated things between us.”
As soon as the confession was out, Marsha’s mind flashed back to the cabin at the dude ranch. Will had gotten it wrong. He believed she didn’t love him and he couldn’t be more mistaken. She’d loved Will forever. That love might have been born out of a teenage infatuation and a sexual encounter in the backseat of a truck, but her love for Will had grown deeper each year Ryan had celebrated a birthday.
“I don’t understand.” Her father stared at the wall, his face reddening with embarrassment. He was out of his comfort zone.
“I had a crush on Will my senior year but he wasn’t interested in dating me. He barely knew I existed.” Who would have guessed the pastor’s daughter had possessed the courage to pursue the school’s notorious bad boy? “Buck set up the prom date with him for me.” She’d begged for Buck’s help, because she believed she wouldn’t have an opportunity to be with Will once she left for college.
“Are you telling me that you were never alone with Will until the night of the prom?” he asked.
“That’s right. I knew you wouldn’t allow me to date him.”
“You’re right. I would not have allowed you anywhere near a Cash boy.”
“Will didn’t want the baby.” Or me. “He wanted me to get an abortion.”
“He abandoned you.”
“I don’t see it as abandonment, Dad. He wasn’t ready to be a father any more than I was ready to be a mother.”
“I’ll agree with that,” he said. “Why didn’t you have an abortion? Your mother and I would never have known.”
“Partly because of my faith and partly...” The truth was painful. “I saw my baby as a way to tie Will to me forever.” If she couldn’t have Will for herself, she could remain close to him through Ryan.
“But I don’t understand why you went off to California without telling us you were pregnant.”
“I knew you and Mom were going to be disappointed in me when you found out what I’d done, and I wanted to try and make it up to you by showing you that I could handle the responsibility of raising Ryan and going to college on my own. You expected me to earn a degree and I was determined not to fail you.” In truth, she didn’t think she could stand to see the look of disappointment in her father’s eyes if she’d lived at home during her pregnancy.
“And I worried that if you knew I was pregnant, Mom would insist I live in Stagecoach and raise the baby here.” And Marsha would have disappointed her father all over again when she didn’t take advantage of the college scholarship she’d been offered.
“You could have come home after you’d earned your degree,” he said.
Guilt had been the driving force behind Marsha’s push to stay in school. “I knew you wanted me to pursue a higher degree. It was easier to earn my master’s and doctorate at the university in California.”
Her father’s penetrating stare made Marsha nervous and she wished she knew what was going though his mind.
“Do you enjoy teaching?” he asked. “Is that what you’ve always wanted to do?”
“I love being in the classroom.”
His eyes narrowed. “But...?”
Don’t back away from the truth now. “My preference is to teach middle school,” she said.
“Then why are you focusing on landing a college position?”
“Because I’m trying to make up for disappointing you and Mom.”
Her father’s eyes widened then the muscles in his face sagged. “You’ve been a fool, daughter.”
She gasped.
“I forgave you for getting pregnant out of wedlock before your mother and I left your apartment in California after we first saw Ryan.”
“You did?”
“Of course I did. You’re my daughter. I love you, faults and all. Nothing you do or say will change that. I’m sorry we didn’t have this talk years ago.” His expression sobered. “Are you ready to forgive yourself?”
She’d believed the motivation and justification for her actions were tied to winning her parents’ forgiveness when the real reason had been connected to her own guilt.
“You have some thinking to do, daughter.” He walked out the door.
Tears flooded her eyes and she buried her face in her hands. She was grateful for her father’s forgiveness, but it did little to ease her heartache. Had she been punishing herself all these years because she’d felt guilty for disappointing him? Her suffering was well-deserved but how could she have made Will and Ryan pay for her guilty feelings, too?
She had to speak with Will, but feared their chat wouldn’t end as well as her talk with her father.
* * *
“THAT’S IT FOR THE PUNCH LIST,” Ben said Friday morning.
Will ignored the empty feeling in his gut. As much as he hadn’t appreciated Pastor Bugler looking over his shoulder these past weeks, he’d miss catching glimpses of Marsha coming and going each day while he worked.
“You want to grab a beer in town and celebrate?” Ben asked.
Will was about to accept the invite when Marsha stepped outside the house and walked in his direction.
“Looks like you might get a better offer.” Ben chuckled. “If you change your mind, I’ll be at Gilly’s Tap House.”
“Sure.” Will stared at Marsha, glad he wore mirrored sunglasses, lest she see in his eyes how much he missed her. Loved her.
“Will.” She stopped a few feet from him and offered a shy smile.
“Marsha.” She looked hot in her neon-pink T-shirt and white jean shorts.
“Dad said you and Ben finished the punch list.” She waved when Ben honked and drove off.
“We did.” Will fisted his hands to keep from pulling her into his arms and begging her to give him...them a second chance. He’d hoped attending church service every Sunday would win him some points with the pastor but Marsha’s father had treated him like every other parishioner and at the end of the service he shook Will’s hand and thanked him for coming.
“Dad moved up the ribbon-cutting ceremony to this Sunday following the service,” she said.
He didn’t care about the ceremony and he sensed Marsha was beating around the bush. “What’s Ryan doing?”
“He went with my mother to a movie at the mall in Yuma.” She scuffed the toe of her sandal in the dirt. “Are you in a hurry, or can we talk?”
Will’s heart tripped over itself. Had she changed her mind about his marriage proposal? “You want to take a drive?” he asked.
“That would be great.” Without hesitation she opened the passenger door and hopped into the truck.
He started the engine then flipped on the air. Once the cab cooled, he drove out of the church parking lot. “Hungry?”
“Not really. If you are, feel free to stop and eat.”
His stomach was too knotted for food. He drove west then turned off the main highway.
“Where does this road lead?” she asked.
“It ends at Lookout Rock.”
“I’ve always wanted to see that place.”
“You’ve never been out here?” Every kid he knew in high school had partied at the rock at least once.
“If word had ever spread that the pastor’s daughter was seen at Lookout Rock, I’d have been grounded forever.”
When they arrived at the rock, he parked, but kept the engine running. The dashboard thermometer read 101. “It’s a little hot to hike to the top,” he said. “But the views are decent from here.”
“Is that the border with Mexico?” She pointed out the windshield.
“It’s fifty miles past the horizon.” All this small talk made him nervous and he wished she’d speak her mind. “Spit it out, Marsha.”
“I lied to you.”
His stomach clenched. “There’s someone else?”
“It’s always been you, Will.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve loved you forever.”
He didn’t understand.
“In high school I had a crush on you and your bad-boy image. All I dreamed about was hopping on your Harley and the two of us taking off together.”
Will didn’t know where she was headed with her confession and kept quiet.
“Until Ryan was born I wasn’t sure if what I felt in my heart for you was real love or infatuation. Once I held Ryan in my arms and saw your image in his face, I knew I loved you.” She waved a hand in the air. “But none of that matters.”
His heart thudded painfully inside his chest.
“When you proposed at the dude ranch I gave you my reasons why it wouldn’t be good for us to marry, but I wasn’t being honest with you.”
Will waited for her to continue, afraid to hope.
“I had a talk with my father and he confessed that he’d forgiven me years ago for becoming pregnant out of wedlock and hiding your identity from him.” Her eyes watered. “His admission forced me to face the truth—that in my heart I did know that my father had forgiven me, but I ignored the knowledge, because it was easier to live with blaming him than myself for things not working out between you and me.”
“I don’t understand,” Will said.
“I never told you about Ryan because I was afraid you’d reject me.”
“Reject you how?”
“After I confessed I was pregnant and you insisted I get an abortion, I realized that a guy like you could never love a girl like me. I thought if I kept Ryan a secret I wouldn’t have to face the fact that you didn’t love me.”
This was a lot for Will to take in. “You made a decision that changed both of our lives forever.” He thought of the night he’d proposed to Rachel then afterward had dreamed of Marsha. “I need some air.”
Will got out of the pickup and walked a few yards away, then stopped and stared into the desert. The midday sun beat down on his head but the burn did little to ease the cold chill seeping into his bones.
He wouldn’t be human if he didn’t admit that he was thrilled Marsha had loved him since high school, but her love had been wasted on him—he’d been in no shape to return it. If she’d told him she’d kept the baby they would have ended up together—because her father would have pressured them to marry and he would have grown to resent Marsha. In all probability they’d be divorced by now.
He heard the truck door open and close behind him. He faced her and the look of despair in her eyes cut him to the core. “You shouldn’t have kept Ryan a secret from me.”
“I know. Can you forgive me?”
That was the easy part. “Yes.”
“Promise me you won’t hold what I’ve done against Ryan,” she said.
How could she think he’d do that? “I’ll always worry about my ability to be a good father. I’ll second-guess myself a lot over the next few decades, but I’m not running from the responsibility.”
Marsha had been truthful with him—he owed her the same courtesy. “When I was a kid I bugged my mother with questions about my father and one day she gave in and took me to his house in Tucson.”
“What happened?”
“I found out he was married and had kids younger than me.”
“What did he say to you?”
“He told me to get lost.”
She gasped. “I’m sorry, Will.”
“My father’s rejection did a number on me. I thought there was something wrong with me if he couldn’t love me. Add that to my dyslexia and I admit to having my share of insecurities. When you became pregnant, my first thought was that I wasn’t good enough to be our baby’s father.” He shrugged. “Then when you sent that letter telling me about Ryan—”
“You thought I had kept him a secret because I didn’t believe you were good enough to be his father.”
He nodded. “And when I learned how smart Ryan was, I figured I didn’t stand a chance with him. I could live with your father believing I wasn’t good enough for his grandson, but I couldn’t live with my own son looking down his nose at me.”
“Where do we go from here?” Marsha’s voice cracked.
Will knew she was asking him if he would give her a second chance, but he couldn’t ignore the strong bond between the pastor and his daughter. He’d yearned for that same bond with his old man and refused to make Marsha choose between pleasing her father and being with him—no matter how much he loved her.
“We keep moving forward. Take it one a day at a time.”
Her eyes widened, then she nodded and got back into the truck and they drove in silence to the church.
When he parked in front of her parents’ house, she said, “You’re invited to stay after the service this Sunday for the ribbon-cutting ceremony.”
That was a special day for the pastor and his church. Will would attend the service but not the celebration. He didn’t want his presence to put a damper on the party. “Tell Ryan to give me a call. I thought maybe I’d take him to tour the Biosphere 2 north of Tucson.”
“He’d like that.” Marsha shut the door and marched up the sidewalk determined to get into the house before she broke down. She hadn’t made it through the living room when her father blocked her path.