So I got up early on Friday – took my warmest coat this time – and loitered out by the school car park. I made it look like I was waiting for someone and had an excuse ready – my mum bringing in a forgotten book or something. Not that anyone asked. Have you seen teachers in the morning? I think they hate school more than we do until they’ve topped up their coffee breath in the staff room. Anyway, finally I saw the car. Same number plate – I couldn’t remember it all, I’m not a detective or anything, but the first three bits were lodged in my head. And it was him. It was Mr Garrick.
I actually felt sick. Really properly sick. I didn’t know what to do. All I knew was that it was wrong and it had to stop. This must have been why they didn’t tell me. They knew I wouldn’t be okay with it. I mean, he’s a teacher and married with kids and everything. And he isn’t even hot. I didn’t understand it. Maybe he was using the exams to get at Jenny? Maybe she wasn’t willing at all? My head was buzzing with questions.
I couldn’t concentrate and then at break there was the announcement about the school play auditions and so I texted them and said I’d buy them lunch in the café – that one just past the newsagent’s? It’s not great but they do good paninis and you can eat what you want without everyone watching to see if you’re getting fat. Being us at school isn’t always easy. I keep reading things in the papers and stuff about me and how popular we are, but popular is weird. It’s got a serrated edge, if you know what I mean? Sometimes I think it would be way better to just be like Bex or poor Hannah.
So, anyway, we go for lunch. We start out talking about the play and it’s like I’m waiting for them to say something about it, but of course they don’t. In the end I can’t stay quiet. I come straight out and say that I followed them. I saw what happened. Their faces – I can still see them now, Jenny’s mouth half-open and filled with melted cheese and ham sandwich. Hayley staring at me in that way she does – her lack of expression means it’s all going on inside. She looked at me that way when I kissed Mark Pritchard at his party and I still don’t know why I did that, except that maybe on some level a part of me still remembered everything and wanted to hurt her back.
So they stare at me. Jenny is straight away all ‘you can’t tell anyone’ and that kind of thing. She says she needs him for her exams, so she can make sure she passes her Maths resit and then she can get out of this town. Hayley tells me it’s none of my business and I shouldn’t have followed them. I say that it’s wrong and can’t continue and I’m going to tell someone unless they stop it. I say he’s being a creep, whatever Jenny thinks. You can’t go around fucking your students, it’s just plain wrong. He’s a paedo. I won’t let him hurt one of my friends like that, I won’t. Hayley says that’s why they didn’t tell me. They knew I wouldn’t leave it alone. We argue a bit. I’m surprised Hayley’s so cool with it. Jenny’s dad fucked her up and now she’s basically shagging a dad replacement?
So, I tell them they’ve got till Monday to sort it out. And by that I don’t mean just finish it, I mean they have to report him. If it’s not done by then, I’ll go to the Head. Hayley tries to claim no one will believe me but she knows that isn’t true. And she knows Jenny’s not a great liar, either – not under pressure. I tell them I don’t want to fight about it, but he was taking advantage of Jenny. It was pretty much abuse – even if she was going to get through her exams because of him – and she was worth more than that. I loved them but it couldn’t go on.
Then lunch was over and we had to head out. They said they’d think about it. I started to cry like an idiot because I hated the fighting. Then Jenny started crying, too, and we all hugged. Hayley said I was probably right and maybe it was all a bit of a mess, but even though we went back into school kind of okay I still felt so awful. It was all round shit. I felt like shit. They were my best friends.
Of course, I didn’t realise then how much they hated me.
What happened that night?
I couldn’t sleep. Just for thinking about it all. I found Jenny after school for a moment – she was in the toilets texting. Using a different phone. Something cheap. Basic. I figured it was the phone she used to text Mr Garrick. I asked her if she was telling him what I’d said. She said no. She was edgy, maybe a bit high, I don’t know. It’s hard to tell with Jen sometimes. She says she only does shit with me and Hayley, but you’ve seen her mum, right? Maybe she had vodka or something in her bag, if she didn’t have drugs. She definitely gets high more than me. I only started doing Mandy to keep in with them, but you know, it does feel good. Is that going to get me into trouble, saying that? I don’t know where she bought it or anything and it was only ever for us and our friends.
I told her maybe she should tell him. She said I had to give her time. It was so weird. It was as if she actually liked him. Properly liked him. Anyway, as I said, I couldn’t sleep. When the text came in, at first I was confused and thought it was a wrong number. I didn’t answer it, it just irritated me. I had too much else in my head. And then, as I was finally dozing off at about two-thirty, it hit me. The usual place was what we used to call the clearing in the woods. I figured maybe Jenny was drunk or something and had texted me on that phone I’d seen her with. I didn’t text back because I had no clue whether I was actually going to meet them or not. I thought I’d just go and see if they were there. I wasn’t sure I really wanted to talk to them. Maybe Mr Garrick was with them? I really didn’t want to face him in the middle of the night. Definitely not without an adult or another teacher present.
I didn’t take a coat. They were all downstairs and I couldn’t risk waking my mum or dad. I just put my joggers on, and a couple of long-sleeved T-shirts under my hoodie. I figured I wouldn’t be out long. If I spoke to them at all, I was just going to let them know they wouldn’t change my mind.
But then I saw them. I’d used my phone as a light to guide me there, but they had a big torch, like a kind of man-torch, I guess. I think it must have come from Hayley’s dad’s garage. Like the rope. They go camping sometimes.
They’re there in the clearing. Waiting for me. Just the two of them. They look miserable at first, but then they seem so happy to see me. They want to make things better. To apologise. I ask if Jenny has a new phone. I say I almost didn’t come, I didn’t realise the text was from them. She says it was a phone she uses with Mr Garrick. She says she’d just texted him to say that they needed to talk and then texted me from it by accident. Says she has mine and Hayley’s numbers in there, too, in case her iPhone fucks up. Hers is new to her, but it’s not new. It freezes loads. I wasn’t suspicious at all. I’d never have imagined they both had other phones they used to bitch about me.
Anyway, I’m happy because they say they’re going to do as I asked. They know I’m right. I was so relieved! I totally relaxed. They had some booze. Not much. Just some cheap wine. And Hayley gives me a Crunchie. She calls it a token of peace.
They . . . they . . . I don’t believe they meant to really hurt me. You shouldn’t think they intended to. Not then, anyway. In the beginning they just wanted to scare me into shutting up. But then all this other stuff came out. How they really felt about me. They were probably high. At first we were just talking. They were trying to be all friendly again. It made me happy. I drank the wine. I felt woozy and then they started to cool. Little digs at me. Snide comments. I can’t remember what, exactly, but about how great I thought I was and how I was nothing but a spoilt brat. Then I felt really woozy and began to freak out. I couldn’t stand up properly. Then they started in earnest.
They tie me to the tree. They start shouting at me then. Mean stuff. I don’t remember exactly what because my head was spinning. I was really tired but I was so cold and fighting to stay awake, and the bark was pressing into my back and everything ached, and I was so afraid. Afraid of my friends. They looked so wild. They were saying how much they hated me. They hated me before this thing with Mr Garrick. Hated how I always controlled everythi
ng. Didn’t let them breathe. They felt like I thought I owned them. Hayley’s pacing and smoking, venting at me with so much venom. They don’t want to be friends with me any more. Something about James Ensor. I dated him a couple of times. Hayley says she liked him and I’d taken him from her. I try to say I didn’t know she liked him but my words are slurry. She says I was doing the same with Mark Pritchard. So much stuff I couldn’t take in. They said I thought I was better than them. Smarter than them. And sticking my nose in with Mr Garrick proved it. They were drunk now and so angry. I don’t know what time they’d met up but they must have been drinking for a while before I got there.
Everything gets hazier after that. I think I fell asleep or passed out for a while. I don’t know. The next thing I remember for sure was Hayley waking me up. Cutting me free from the tree. It was so cold. I couldn’t feel my fingers. The temperature had dropped. Really dropped hard. I don’t know when it started, but snow was falling, too, heavy and white. Although the clearing was pretty protected by the trees I could see an inch or so on the branches already. It must have been coming down hard for a while, and long enough for us to sober up a bit.
I tried to stand up and fell on the ground but they didn’t help me. I think I asked what was going on. Jenny had the torch in one hand and a long stick in the other. I couldn’t see the wine bottle anywhere. They must have thrown it somewhere out in the trees.
Could I have some more water? Thanks. This is . . . difficult.
*
Hayley crouches beside me and whispers something about me having learned my lesson and not to talk about stuff that wasn’t my business. She says that I have to leave them alone or they’d do far worse to me. I almost throw up there on the ground. I was so scared. I was still confused and my head hurt really badly from the wine and whatever they put in it to make me so drowsy. I didn’t really know what was going on. I just wanted to go home. I know it sounds shallow, but I didn’t care about Mr Garrick any more. Hayley had a stick, too, and she whipped it through the air and hit the ground. I remember the dull whack on the earth, right by my face. I remember Jenny giggling at that.
They tell me to run.
I try.
I think they follow me a bit. I hear some whooping. But I don’t know for sure. I was so scared. I remember my lungs burning. I remember my legs were so weak.
I still don’t remember how I ended up in the river. I was running through the woods, the branches hitting me. I didn’t know if they were behind me or not. I just wanted to get home. To my mum.
I remember hitting the freezing water. I remember seeing snow on the bank by the fields. But I don’t remember if they pushed me. I know you want me to remember but I don’t. I can’t say I do. I’m sorry. I was running through the woods and the next thing I remember is hitting the water. I remember trying to swim to the branches on the other side. And then there’s just darkness until I woke up at the hospital.
I’m sorry, that’s it. I don’t know if I ran into the water or if they pushed me. I just don’t.
Forty-Five
Extract from DI Caitlin Bennett’s notes (unofficial record) for report to Crown Prosecution Service – Friday 5th February
Neither girl has offered a full confession or a complete account of events in regard to the death of Hannah Alderton or the near-fatal incident with Natasha Howland. However, Jennifer Cole, currently undergoing a mental health evaluation, has indicated Hayley Gallagher was the instigator – at least in the death of Hannah Alderton – through her repeated, ‘Hayley said she’d think of something.’ Whether this will be admissible evidence will depend on the outcome of the evaluation.
Given the nature of the texts they exchanged on the PAYG phones found turned off and hidden in their bedrooms, it’s clear both girls intended harm to Natasha even before she discovered Jennifer’s relationship with Peter Garrick. The phones appear to have been bought with the express purpose of bitching about her (maybe didn’t want her seeing the conversation? Their primary phones would always be out and about – showing each other things on social media sites?) rather than talking about, or to, Garrick. There are no texts to him on either phone. All the texts are about Natasha Howland. There are clear aggressive fantasies and jealousies evident and these increase in number and violence until the night of Howland’s accident. Both girls state in texts on several occasions that they wished she was dead. That they didn’t want to be her friend any more. They wanted rid of her. They text on Friday 8th January about doing it that night. Activity on both phones ceases after the text that came to Natasha Howland’s phone. Presumably they were turned off after the last text was sent from the wrong phone. Jennifer’s drug usage as evident in blood tests probably led to this mistake.
Retrieved deleted texts from the phones registered in their own names, which they used day to day, also imply their guilt and show a continued dislike for Natasha. They openly wish that she’d died, and there are references to a ‘him’ – Peter Garrick, we believe – and there is a lot of concern about whether Natasha will regain her memory. Hayley’s insistence that they delete these conversations again implies their guilt. Much is in the subtext, but the story seems clear. They were definitely afraid of what Natasha Howland might have remembered and shared with Rebecca Crisp, who may be lucky not to have been targeted also. There was a sense of urgency between them that something had to be done.
This correlates with events post-accident as recounted by Natasha Howland in the diary of events and feelings she was asked to keep as part of Dr Annabel Harvey’s therapy, and those are in turn confirmed by Rebecca Crisp.
Forty-Six
Excerpt of consultation between Dr Annabel Harvey and patient Natasha Howland, Wednesday 02/03, 18:00
NATASHA: Look, we can keep talking about this for ever, but it won’t change anything. I don’t want to have any more of these sessions. I think I’m okay. There’s nothing that time won’t solve anyway. Coming here and talking to you makes me feel like it’s still going on. It’s not. It’s done. My memory’s back. Jenny and Hayley and Mr Garrick – well . . . you know all about that.
DR HARVEY: Are you still keeping a diary?
NATASHA: The police took it, even though I told them it was private. It has private thoughts in it. So thanks for that. I haven’t bothered since. I was doing it because you asked me to, because my memory was gone, but I don’t need to do that now. All the mysteries have been solved. Nearly, anyway.
DR HARVEY: Is that what you think these sessions have been about? Solving the immediate mysteries for the police?
NATASHA: They are, aren’t they? You can’t tell me Bennett wasn’t eager for me to remember what happened that night and wanted you to help me with that. Anyway, I googled you – you work with the police all the time, so it’s not just all about my feelings, is it?
(Pause)
Are you seeing Hayley and Jenny, too? I know you’ve seen Becca at least once.
DR HARVEY: You know I can’t discuss other patients. How is school?
NATASHA: I feel like you’re trying to put a jigsaw puzzle together from bits of all our brains. See if the pieces lock together into a complete picture. Then you’ll know everything about all of us.
(Pause)
School’s okay. There are no newspaper guys around any more – I guess there won’t be until the trial – so that calmed everyone down. No audience, I suppose. Not that I give a shit. It’s nice to be able to walk around the house or garden without worrying about long lenses watching me. They wanted me to do some talk shows – I think they asked Becca, too – but we both said no. Police agreed that was best, anyway. Maybe after the trial is over we should do it, but not now. I miss Hayley and Jen sometimes. I try not to, and it’s not like I don’t have new friends – Vicki and Jodie were quick to jump into their places – I think Jodie lost half a stone over a weekend just to make me like her.
(Laughs)
/> How shallow. But then how shallow am I, because she does fit our look better without those thunder-thighs.
DR HARVEY: Are you seeing much of Rebecca? I thought you two had become close.
NATASHA: Not really. That upsets her, I think – has she said something?
(Pause)
Of course, you can’t say. Ha. I haven’t really seen her. Now this is all over it’s too weird. The Hannah thing was so horrible and she’s still dealing with that. When I look at her I see all this shit, all the betrayals of friendship, and it might not be her fault but I just don’t want to be around her. She texts me sometimes – sounds stupid but we were playing this game of chess and texting each other our moves. She texts about my next move and I always say I haven’t had time to look. It’s like she’s not brave enough to say, Hey why are you freezing me out? so she talks about chess instead. That makes me cringe a bit, too. God, I’m such a bitch, but it makes her feel like a bit of a Hannah. No spine. I just want to move on, you know?
DR HARVEY: Why did you ask for me as the appropriate adult present rather than your mother when you gave your statement?
NATASHA: You’ve met my mother.
DR HARVEY: She seems a very pleasant woman. She obviously loves you a lot.
NATASHA: She suffocates me. Don’t you remember what it was like? To be my age? No privacy. Not really. I wanted to talk without her hearing everything. Squeezing my hand and stuff. She’d want to discuss it all afterwards, too. It was easier with you there. No offence, but I don’t give a shit what you think. You don’t live in my house.
DR HARVEY: How do you feel about your refusal to try the hypnosis? Do you wonder if Hannah might still be alive if you’d recovered your memory sooner that way?
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