by Leddy Harper
“It’s hard, Gabs. It’s so damn hard to see you upset all the time. I miss the old you—the us we lost along the way. I know we can find each other again—it’ll happen. But I can’t do much more than what I’m already doing, and that frustrates me. It makes me feel like I can’t fix you.”
“I hate it when you say that.”
I didn’t understand. “You hate it when I say what?”
“When you talk about fixing me. I’m not one of your companies you can take over and fix. I lost a child. I’m grieving, Dane. On top of that, you asked me to talk to someone, so I did. But it’s not helping. He’s making me talk about my mom. He’s making me talk about all the crap from my past. He’s heard it all before, but he’s making me relive everything and I can’t do it! I can’t go there again! But I need his help to get over the loss of my child and move on…to start over.”
“You don’t get it, do you? This depression you’re suffering from isn’t just the baby. It’s everything. You’ve never dealt with any of it. As soon as you started to feel better, you stopped going to counseling. It doesn’t work that way. Dr. Greiner knows what he’s doing. He’s a professional. If he thinks you should talk about your mom, there’s a reason. And that reason is because you’ve never faced it. You’ve never come to terms with what happened between the two of you, and you’ve never gotten over what that asshole did to you.”
Gabi covered her face with her hands and shook her head. “I can’t.” Her words might’ve been muffled, but I heard them as if she spoke them directly into my ear. “I can’t go through that again. I wish it never happened.”
My heart broke. Shattered. Stopped beating at the sound of her pain. “Gabriella,” I whispered in a rush of air as I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her against my chest. “Baby, if I could go back in time and change it, I would. I’d kill the motherfucker before he ever laid a hand on you. But I can’t. The only thing we can do is work through it and make it to the other side. Hold my hand, lean on me, let me carry you when you’re too weak to walk. But please, get to the other side with me.”
“You say all these things, talk about it like we’ll be together forever…yet you can’t even give me a real commitment. I know you don’t want to be with me, Dane. I know you’re only here because you know I can’t live without you. I’m making you suffer. I’m bringing you down,” she mumbled into my shirt.
I held onto her shoulders and pushed her away, enough to look into her eyes. “What do you mean I can’t give you a real commitment? I put a ring on your finger, didn’t I? I’ve supported you since before we even graduated high school. I’ve taken care of you for over a decade and have been faithful every single day since. How could you say I haven’t given you a real commitment?”
She brushed away the tears lining her face and wiped her nose. Her silence worried me. And then she spoke. “Would you have asked me to marry you on your own? If I hadn’t made a big deal about being together for over ten years, would you have bought me a ring? Or was it only because I practically begged you to?”
Her question caught me off guard. I couldn’t do anything other than stare with my mouth opening and closing, words refusing to form. I’d asked myself this very question and had finally understood the truth to my answer. But I couldn’t tell her that. Not now. It would only beat her down more.
“I guess I got my answer.” She turned to walk away.
“Gabi,” I called out, following her into the living room. “The answer isn’t that simple.”
“Yes it is. It’s yes or no.”
“Ever since we moved back here, it’s been one thing or another with us. Your mom, your stepdad, your stepbrother. My job. You’ve been up and down with your emotions. It never felt like the right time. But if I truly didn’t want to marry you, I never would’ve asked. No matter how much you begged me, I wouldn’t have done it if I were that opposed to it.”
“Then why haven’t we gotten married yet?”
An incredulous chuckle blew past my lips without thought. “Really? When would we have been able to do that? The ring had barely been on your finger before we found out about the baby. That kind of took precedence over a wedding. And since then, you won’t even get out of bed. How exactly do you think we could get married if you won’t leave the house? You don’t say two words to me, so explain to me how you’d say ‘I do’? This isn’t about me not being able to commit to you, Gabi. This is about the timing never being right.”
“The timing will never be right.” She twisted the diamond ring off her finger and held it out to me. “As soon as I get my head above water and feel like I can breathe again, I’m being dragged back down. And it’s not fair to drown you in my mess.”
“What are you saying, Gabi?” My words came out choked and worried. This was what I had planned when I first came home. But now, after all we’d talked about, after all she’d gotten off her chest, the thought of her ending our relationship stole my breath away. I knew it was the right thing, but that didn’t make it any easier to accept. “Do you want me to leave?”
She slowly lifted her shoulders, unable to even offer a full shrug. “It’s not fair for you to be with half a person. All I’m doing is tying you down. This is your chance to leave. I won’t guilt you into staying with a broken woman. You deserve better.”
You deserve better. Those were Eden’s words, too.
I longed to believe them, but I also knew Gabi deserved better. Better than the hollow existence she’d been living. And I did try to give her better. I hoped to see her smile and laugh. To be content. And a small part of me knew we could be good together. I loved her and I didn’t for one second doubt her love for me. We could make it work. But in order to give her that chance, I’d have to stick it out. Walking away—whether she offered me the choice or not—wouldn’t solve anything.
“What do you want, Gabs?”
“This isn’t about me. It’s about you and what you deserve.”
I stepped closer to her, ignoring the ring between her fingers. “Shouldn’t this be about both of us? I won’t give up if you won’t. And I don’t only mean me…I mean all of it. Don’t give up on finding peace. Don’t stop working on becoming a healthier person. For you. So…what is it going to be, Gabriella?”
“I just want to make you happy again. I want to walk down the beach with you like we used to. I want to be the person who makes you laugh. I’m so tired of being the storm cloud in the sky, the rain on your parade. I hate that you had to hide our photos because they cause you pain. I need to be better, Dane. But I’m having a hard time,” she confessed as she started to cry again.
“I know, Gabi. We’ll get through this like we’ve gotten through everything else.”
11
I watched through the window between the offices as Eden tried to inconspicuously sneak in—thirty minutes late. The only reason I even noticed her tardiness was because I found myself watching the clock. Normally, she got to her office and started work before I even realized she was there. But not this morning. I’d been looking for her. Not because I wanted anything, either. I simply needed her.
After the fight with Gabi, I felt broken down. Exhausted. Depleted of energy and enthusiasm, I craved the high I knew Eden could give me. She was right—she was my crutch. My drug. My temptation and salvation. The forbidden fruit. Even though I knew how unhealthy it was, I couldn’t stop it.
Something changed in Texas.
Maybe it was the night I opened up to her, or what she said to me on the dance floor. Maybe it was merely being with her, without anyone else around. Whatever happened, it changed me. It left me ready to end things with Gabi. And I would have done so already had things happened differently upon my arrival home.
I threw a pencil at the window and watched Eden jump in surprise. It made me laugh. It made her smile. And suddenly, all felt right with the world again.
She moved around her desk and stood in the open doorway, leaning against the frame.
“You
’re late. Where were you?”
“Just around talking to people,” she said coyly with a small shrug.
“Oh, yeah? Your mom?”
She came into my office and practically threw herself into the chair across from me. “It sounds strange to hear you call her that. She’s not my mom. My mom lives in California with my dad. This woman might have given birth to me, but that’s about it. I don’t even know her.”
I leaned onto my desk on my elbows, interested in what she had to say. At the very least, it took my mind off the situation at home. “Have you told her yet? About you being her daughter? Does she know?”
“And say what? ‘So, I know you gave me up twenty-five years ago, but hi, I’m your daughter’? No. I can’t do that. I’m not even supposed to know who she is. I doubt she wanted me to find her—let alone get a job where she works.”
“Do you know who your biological father is? Have you found him?”
She shook her head and glanced around the room. “No, I have no idea who he is. The whole thing about my adoption is touchy, so I can’t really say anything to her. I’m not sure why I came here. I only wanted to meet her—to get to know her. I’ve spent my whole life wondering if I looked like her, or if we had any of the same mannerisms. But now it seems ridiculous. I don’t know how to act or what to say.”
“I’m sure she’d like to know you had a good life no matter what the circumstances were surrounding the adoption. That decision couldn’t have been easy for her. She probably did what she thought was best for you at the time. And to see how you’ve turned out might be comforting to her.”
“Yeah…you’re probably right. Doesn’t make it any easier, though.”
“Why haven’t you spoken to your parents about her?”
She blinked a few times and then stared right at me, my question clearly catching her by surprise. “They wouldn’t understand. When I started asking about my birth parents, it took my mom six months to tell me why I was put up for adoption in the first place. That’s all the information I was given. She never said who she was or where she lived. I found all that information on my own while I was away at college. Then I just wanted to meet her, and that’s how I ended up moving here at the last minute. I came with nothing but the desire to meet my biological mother. Now that I have, I don’t know what to do about it.”
“But you’ve talked to her, right?”
“Like had a conversation with her? Yes,” she said with a laugh that brightened her eyes. “It’s not like I follow her around like a stalker and stare at her while she works. I’ve spoken to her, but it’s weird. It’s like I don’t know what to say and she doesn’t know why I’m so interested. I think I should just give up.”
“I think that’s a horrible idea.” I smirked at her and leaned back in my chair. “Maybe ask her out for lunch. See, if I knew who it was, I could totally give you a reason to talk to her. You could need to speak with her on my behalf. So maybe you should tell me.”
“Good try, Kauffmann.” She winked, and I couldn’t help the way my heart skipped a beat at the sight.
“Whatever, Clare. I’m only trying to help. But I do think you should find a reason to meet with her, and then lead into a conversation from there. You don’t have to tell her who you are right now, but at least find the answers to the questions you have. You’ve been here less than a month. Give it time.”
“Not everyone is as patient as you are, Dane,” she teased. “Speaking of patience…how did it go after I left yesterday? I apologize, but I had no clue she didn’t know I’d gone on the trip with you. I thought you would’ve told her.”
I huffed and ran my hand over the hair on my jaw, scratching an imaginary itch. “It’s not your fault. I should’ve told her, but I didn’t.”
“Why not?”
I quirked an eyebrow at her, knowing where she was going with this. “It’s not because I was keeping you a secret, Eden. It’s because she’s not interested in hearing anything about me. I know you probably think I’m embellishing and making this sound worse than it is so you’ll feel sorry for me, but I’m not. I swear. When I come home, she doesn’t even acknowledge my presence. We can literally be laying in bed together and it’s like I’m there alone. So I didn’t feel the need to offer her information if she can’t even find the time to ask about my day.”
“Did you find out where she was yesterday?”
I nodded and played with my tie. “Yeah. She went to see her therapist. I guess she had a hard time with me being gone and made an emergency visit.”
“Well, see? Clearly she recognizes the importance of your presence—otherwise, she wouldn’t be so devastated with you away for a day.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at her. “We actually talked a lot yesterday, got a lot of stuff out in the open. It wasn’t easy and it took a lot of yelling and tears, but she finally opened up to me about things she’d never shared before.”
“That’s really good, Dane. I’m glad to hear that,” she said with a smile, and she meant it. I could tell by the light in her eyes. She truly did want me to be happy. And I couldn’t help but fall a little bit more for her in that moment.
“You know…” I couldn’t look at her, so instead, I picked at the edge of the calendar on my desk. “I was going to leave her. On the way home yesterday, I thought a lot about it. I thought about what we talked about the night before, about how I feel, the things I want. And as I unlocked my front door, I had my mind made up.”
Eden was silent, which made me glance up and look at her. I couldn’t read her expression—her blinking eyes, her slightly parted lips, her exaggerated breaths. She appeared to be stunned, possibly confused. But above all, I could tell she didn’t know what to say. Finally, she whispered, “Did you leave her?”
“No. After you left, we got into an argument. That’s when she exploded and poured out how she’d been feeling.”
“So what changed your mind?”
I thought about all the reasons I had to stay, all the excuses I had to leave. Last night, it made so much sense to me, but now, in the light of a new day, I couldn’t help but see past the haze of guilt. The fog of sympathy, and the illusion of hope.
“I know this will pass. Just like it has before. We’ll be good again.”
She stared at me with doubt in her eyes. “Do you really believe that?”
“Of course I do.”
She sighed and scooted to the edge of her chair, leaning toward the desk—and me. “That’s not what I mean. Your decision to stay with her or leave doesn’t affect me at all. This has nothing to do with me, so please, don’t take this the wrong way. But is this what you truly want?”
“I truly want her to get better.”
“And then what?”
I cocked my head to the side, not understanding what she meant.
“You said you want her to get better. And I believe you. But have you given any thought to what will happen once she gets past this? Will you marry her? Have babies with her? Or will you finally feel like she’s stable enough to leave? Because I’ll tell you this, Dane…if you don’t see yourself doing all those things and more with her, you aren’t staying because you want to. You’ll be in the same situation you are now, wondering what it would be like to have everything you deserve. And if you’re planning on waiting until she’s better before you walk away, that could possibly send her right back to where she is now.”
“I deserve to be loved. And Gabi loves me. She deserves to have normalcy. To have some sense of peace. I can give that to her. People may not talk about our love a hundred years from now, but that doesn’t matter. We don’t need the fairytale story or the kind of relationship people write songs about. We need each other.”
“So you need her?”
“I need her to get better.”
Eden nodded but didn’t say anything else. She stood from her seat and offered a small grin before stepping away. “I honestly wish you both the best of luck.”
“You don’t t
hink I made the right choice, do you?”
She stopped by the door, held onto the frame, and glanced over her shoulder. “It’s not about what I think, Dane. It’s about what you believe is right. Only you can answer that. All I care about is both of you finding joy and stability and a happily ever after.”
And then she was gone.
Janette came to my office at four to discuss the press release for the buyout of Kyle’s company. I’d never understand why she needed to have these meetings. I gave very little input on the matter, and in the end, she’d do what she deemed best for Kauffmann. This is exactly why I’d hired her in the first place—I trusted her to do her job and she always did an exemplary one.
Once she finished going over everything, I headed across the office to see if Eden had come back. She’d left her desk right before Janette arrived, and I hadn’t seen her return. Sure enough, her office was still empty, and it appeared she’d left for the day. Her computer was off, her desk neat, and her purse wasn’t where she always kept it.
“That’s odd.”
“What is?” Janette asked as she gathered her notes from our meeting.
I scratched my head, lost in thought. “Eden left early. She didn’t even tell me she was done for the day.”
“Maybe she had a doctor’s appointment or something and you forgot.” She glanced at me with maternal eyes and a gentle smile. “You’ve had a lot on your plate lately, dear. It’s not that far fetched of an idea that she told you and it slipped your mind.”
“No. I know. She’s a good employee, so I don’t think she skipped out or anything. But I really wanted to introduce the two of you.” I resumed my seat at my desk and grabbed the phone from the cradle. “I’ll give her a call to make sure everything’s okay.”