by Leddy Harper
“I was a kid. I was fucked up on shit. Please, don’t do this,” he pleaded.
“She was a kid, motherfucker!”
“I’ve had to live with it. I’ve regretted it since it happened. I was fucked up.”
I held him by his throat, cutting off his windpipe. “She’s had to live with it. She had to have an abortion because of you. She was hospitalized after you left her to bleed all over herself. You don’t deserve mercy. You don’t even deserve death, but that’s what you’re going to get.”
Before I could do anything else, sirens grew closer, followed by the screeching of tires. I didn’t move off him until there were four men, all aiming their guns directly at me.
“Put down the weapon,” one ordered.
“You’re fucking lucky,” I whispered to him as I threw the pipe to the side, away from me.
Within seconds, I was tackled and cuffed. They patted me down, but didn’t find anything on me. Paramedics arrived just as I was being lifted from the ground. The officers that escorted me to the back of the cruiser asked me questions, but I didn’t answer any of them. I was still in a rage-filled haze and couldn’t think straight. Once I was seated in the back of the patrol car, I looked down and noticed the blood that splattered my pants. I’d never had someone else’s blood on me before. I had never even thrown a punch before. It was a little scary at how mad I’d become while attacking him. It was a terrifying thought that I could do something like that with my bare hands, but I didn’t regret it, though.
The drive to the station went by in a blur. It felt like I blinked and was there. I knew I needed to call Janette so she could handle the situation, but I’d never been arrested before, so I didn’t know what the protocol was for requesting a phone call. You see scenes in movies about being allowed a phone call, but I had no idea if that actually happened.
Since starting Kauffmann Investments, I’d been in the news plenty of times, but never in a negative light. It was something I was very proud of. Anytime Kauffmann was mentioned, it was always for something positive. My donations to various charities, fundraisers I’d attended, what I’d done for struggling businesses. Never anything bad, not even a rumor. But even I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep something like this from getting out. Janette was paid well for what she did, and this would definitely be a test of her PR skills.
I was taken inside and fingerprinted. They took my mug shot and then led me to a holding cell with other criminals. I had no idea in what order it all happened; all I knew was my life had just taken another turn, and I had no idea where I was headed.
When I was finally given the chance to make my obligatory phone call, I knew exactly who to contact.
“What the hell did you do?” Janette asked in a tone I’d never heard before.
“Just get someone from legal here. Please.” My monotone was unfamiliar, as well. “And I need you to reach Eden. Tell her I’ll explain everything after my arraignment on Monday. Tell her I’ll see her at the office.”
“You’re in jail, and that’s what you’re concerned about? Your assistant? Should I call Gabi, too?”
I sighed and ignored the officer trying to rush me off the phone. “No. This is actually because of Gabi. I’ll have the lawyer tell you everything. But please, make sure Eden knows. I don’t want her thinking I left.”
The call ended and I waited for my lawyer to show up. When he finally did, we were taken to a room for privacy. He explained the charges I faced and the possible outcome. The only thing I cared about was getting back to Eden, but that would be a while. Since it was a Friday, and with this being a criminal charge, I had to wait until Monday for arraignment. So, I’d have to spend the weekend in the holding cell.
The time went by at a snail’s pace. My thoughts wandered back and forth between Gabi and Eden. I had plenty of time to contemplate what I should do once I got out. I knew I wanted to be with Eden, but I also knew Gabi shouldn’t be with her mother. Not after what she told me. She allowed vicious and horrible things to happen to her own daughter, and should not be trusted with a second chance. But I was worried that Gabi didn’t have anywhere else to go. There was no right thing to do. Eden wouldn’t understand my need to protect Gabi, and Gabi wouldn’t understand my feelings for Eden.
For the first time in as long as I could remember, I cried. I curled up in the corner and quietly let the tears fall for Gabi. They leaked out as I thought about the girl who had no one. As much as I tried to protect her, I hadn’t done a good job of it. It had all happened under my nose, while we were together, and I hadn’t stopped it. She’d gone through an abortion and never told me. I had always known something was wrong, but I never pushed her to confide in me. I should have pushed. I believed she trusted me. But maybe she thought I wouldn’t have done anything. If her own mother didn’t, maybe she expected the same from me.
“I don’t understand. So nothing’s going to happen to me?” I asked as my lawyer escorted me to his car in the parking lot of the jailhouse on Sunday morning. I was confused and the lack of sleep from two nights in a holding cell didn’t help matters.
“The district attorney said there’s not enough to go after you. All they have are the statements from the cops saying they found you on top of the guy with a pipe in your hand. But since none of his injuries were caused from the pipe, and he walked away with a broken nose and a minor concussion, their hands are tied. As of right now, the guy you decided to use as a punching bag has decided to not press charges, and the other men have suddenly forgotten what they saw,” he explained as we made our way over to the impound lot to get my car. “You got lucky, though. The DA just happened to have been in this weekend dealing with a major case. Had he not been there, you would’ve been stuck inside even longer.”
“So what does this mean for me?”
“It means keep your nose clean and don’t talk to anyone but your legal team about this. No commenting on reports or answering questions.”
“Is there a chance they could charge me with something later?”
“From what I’ve been told, this Todd guy refuses to cooperate with the prosecution. It also helps that you are a stand-up guy in the community and have no prior record. Todd, on the other hand, has a rap sheet a mile long. Someone upstairs is looking out for you. I don’t know who, but you have an angel on your side.”
I nodded and got out as soon as we pulled into the lot.
Once I got my car, I grabbed my phone from the cup holder where I’d left it and plugged it in. The screen lit up with missed calls and messages. I bypassed those and immediately called Eden, not bothering to read or listen to the ones she’d left.
She answered on the third ring, groggy and sounding as if I’d woken her up. “Where have you been?”
I sighed, every emotion known to man hitting me all at once. However, the most prominent one was irritation. It was clear Janette hadn’t informed her where I was or what had gone on since I’d left her apartment. “I was just released from jail.”
“Jail?” Her voice went up a few octaves, no longer weighted down with sleep. “Why? What happened?”
“I’ll tell you all about it when I get there, but I have to go home and shower first. I stink. Will you be home?” I was relieved to hear her voice, although slightly frustrated that I had to wait to hold her in my arms. This weekend was supposed to be ours, and I’d wasted most of it in a holding cell.
“Yeah. I’ll be here. Just tell me one thing. Is everything all right?”
“Everything is fine. I promise.” With that, I disconnected the call and proceeded to play the voicemails as I left the impound lot.
The first was from Marie. Apparently, Gabi wasn’t willing to see her—and I didn’t blame her now that I knew the truth. She couldn’t do much and had suggested I head to the hospital to take care of things. The next one was from Dr. Greiner. He suggested I visit the hospital to discuss the next steps of Gabi’s treatment. I didn’t want to go, but I knew at some point, I’d have to. All I
could think about was going home, taking a shower, changing my clothes, and then spending the rest of the day with Eden; however, it didn’t seem as though I had much of an option.
On the way to the condo, I made a stop by the hospital, hoping to get everything squared away quickly. Although, I hadn’t taken into account the early morning hour and that the person I needed to speak with wasn’t in yet. I was told she’d be in shortly and to wait in the meantime. It wasn’t what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to be there in the first place, let alone hang around. But it beat having to make another trip back later in the day. I knew once I had Eden in my arms, I wouldn’t be able to let her go in order to handle Gabi’s medical issues.
So, I waited.
I was on my third cup of vending machine coffee when someone finally opened the waiting room door.
“Mr. Kauffmann?” A young nurse came in with an easy smile and gentle eyes. “Gabriella is awake. I told her you were here and she’s asking for you.”
I dropped my chin to keep her from seeing the disappointment in my eyes. It wasn’t her fault. I knew that. There was no way she could’ve known the problems between Gabi and me and why I was so nervous to see her. Nonetheless, I became aggravated and didn’t want to take it out on her. She was only doing her job.
“I can take you to see her if you’d like. The visit needs to be kept short. She’s weak and needs her rest, but I’m sure she’d love to see a friendly face.” Her voice was so soft and kind, which made it difficult to turn her invitation down.
If Gabi wanted to see me, then I would go to her.
Though I wasn’t sure she’d be happy once I left.
I nodded and stood, keeping my eyes trained on the white floor as my tired feet followed the nurse. She paused outside the closed door and offered me a sympathetic grin. It would’ve been enough to ease my mind had it been anyone other than Gabi on the other side. I wasn’t sure anything would’ve been able to calm me down, or settle my emotions—emotions I couldn’t discern no matter how hard I tried.
I wasn’t upset with Gabi. I was disheartened. The fact she’d done something to harm herself made my chest ache, but what made it worse were all the facts I’d learned about where it all started. I’d refused to hear her out. My anger had led her here, and I had a hard time releasing that guilt. At the same time, her inability to tell me the truth for years wasn’t on me. I wouldn’t take the blame for that. And that’s where my confusion lay—trapped between fault, when there shouldn’t have been any in the first place.
Human error.
Human emotion.
Blame. Guilt. Grief.
They didn’t mix well with a man who wanted to take care of everyone.
“She’s alert, but very fragile. All we ask is that you don’t get her worked up. She’s on medicine to keep her calm and relaxed, but she’s still coherent. I’ll let you know as soon as the doctor comes in so you can speak with him about where to go from here.” Again, the corners of her mouth turned up just enough to offer some comfort, and then she walked away.
The door felt heavy as I opened it. I knew that wasn’t the case, but my nerves and hesitation made it seem like it weighed two hundred pounds. Gabi lay in the middle of the single bed, her attention set out the window across the room. As soon as she heard me step inside, she turned her head and landed her sights on me. Immediately, tears began to fill her eyes and trickle down her cheeks, though she made no noise. No sobs, whimpers, sniffles…nothing. She just lay there, the sheet fisted in her hands, her face scrunched in pain, and watched me as I stood in the doorway.
“Gabi…” I whispered, unsure what to say to her. I had no idea how I would feel after seeing her, but I hadn’t expected this kind of emotion. Pain. Heartache. Utter despair. It was as if I’d been taken back more than ten years to when I’d visited her in the hospital during Sean’s trial. Like then, she was alone, lost, and completely broken.
Without thought, my feet carried me to the side of her bed. I took the empty chair and leaned forward to take her hand. Her stare never left mine, and I couldn’t look away. I didn’t have the strength to observe anything else in the room. Her brown eyes were void of life, more so than before. I thought I’d seen her at her worst…but now I realize she had only been on the brink of destruction. This was her rock bottom. I wanted to tell myself there was only one way for her to go from here—up. But I knew that wasn’t true. This was the second time she had attempted to take her life. I feared what would happen if she tried it again.
“I’m so sorry, Dane,” she cried softly, her words barely audible.
I shushed her and tried to calm her with gentle strokes to her forehead. “I don’t understand, Gabi. Why would you do this?”
She rolled her head to face the ceiling and then closed her eyes, tears leaking down the sides of her face. “I just want to give up. I have nothing to fight for anymore. You wouldn’t listen to me. I tried to explain it to you, but you wouldn’t let me. I called you—over and over again—but you wouldn’t answer.” She tilted her head enough to look me in the eyes. “You left me, Dane. I have nothing without you.”
“That’s not true.”
“What do I have?”
I ran my thumb over the back of her hand and took a deep breath. “I don’t know, because you’ve never given yourself a chance to find out. After the assault, you just shut down. You closed yourself off from everything. You went with me to Tallahassee, but instead of going to school, you played the role of a stay-at-home wife. We came home, where you could’ve gotten a job, but you chose not to.”
“What was I supposed to do?” She raised her voice, showing signs of agitation. I knew she needed to calm down, but I wasn’t sure I was the right person to do that. “I couldn’t go to school. I didn’t have any money and I had no clue what I would’ve even studied. And I tried to get a job as a cashier after we moved back, but you told me I didn’t have to.”
I adjusted in the seat until I was on the edge of the cushion, my elbows propped on the mattress. “You know I was more than happy supporting you. I only wanted you to feel safe. All I needed was for you to do what made you happy, because you weren’t. You offered to get a job to help with the bills, and I told you I didn’t need that from you. But that didn’t mean I wouldn’t support you doing something for yourself. I had suggested art classes, book clubs because you loved to read so much. Gabi…there were so many things you could’ve done for you. That’s all I wished for. Because I never wanted you to be here—lost, lonely, feeling like you didn’t have a purpose in the world. You do. You just haven’t found it yet.”
“You never understood.”
“You’re right…I didn’t understand. Because you never gave me the chance to. I know what happened, Gabi. I know everything. I saw your mom the other day after the hospital called to tell me you were here. She told me about Todd and how Sean ended up taking the fall for what he did to you. But I understand now. It’s not too late for you.”
“Yes it is. There’s nothing anyone can do to help me.”
“That’s where you’re wrong.” I tried to keep my tone soft and even, but it was hard when I found myself so irritated with her refusal to acknowledge she could get help. She could have something more. “It doesn’t take a professional to see why you’ve been battling depression for so long. On top of the abuse you had to suffer—not only from Todd, but the emotional and mental abuse from your own mother not protecting you—you’ve had to deal with this guilt alone. You never had to do that. You could’ve come to me with the truth. But that’s neither here nor there. Now you can do something about it. Talk to your doctors. Tell them what really happened so they can help you deal with the real problem, not just the effects from it. You can’t treat the depression if you’re not treating the cause.”
She licked her lips, like I’d seen her do so many times before. No matter how many times her tongue ran over them, they remained cracked and dry. A tear clung to her chin, pulling my attention away from her mouth
long enough to watch her wipe it away with her free hand. The white bandage around her wrist caught my attention for the first time. It caused my chest to clench, my heart to squeeze tight, and my lungs to cease. The guilt came flooding back in full force, reminding me she wouldn’t be here, in this bed, bandages on her wrist had I only let her explain when she’d begged me to listen.
“What happened, Gabi? I mean…what did you do to yourself? How did you get here?”
She stared at the gauze for a moment before pushing her hand beneath the blanket. She blinked away fresh tears and set her sights on the wall across the room. “I called Dr. Greiner, but he couldn’t fit me in. He talked to me for a little bit, and then called me when he left work to check on me. I’d taken those pills he’d given me, like he suggested, but it wasn’t taking the pain away. I thought if I could just get you to listen to me, it’d be okay. But you wouldn’t answer your phone.” Her face scrunched again, and I worried this was too much for her to talk about. But she continued anyway. “So I took more pills. And when that didn’t work, I took more. I drank what was left of the vodka you always keep in the pantry, thinking that would numb it.”
My eyes burned and I wanted to tell her to stop. I didn’t think I could handle the rest, but I was frozen, unable to speak. I couldn’t even form the words to tell her not to continue. But it didn’t matter, because after she caught her breath, she kept talking.
“I don’t remember much after that. Apparently, I called Dr. Greiner, thinking I was calling you. I don’t remember doing that. I don’t remember leaving the condo or getting to my car.” She held up her wrist. “And I don’t remember doing this.”
“Promise me you’ll do everything you can to get better,” I begged her, hoping she could see in my eyes how much I meant it. No matter what had happened between us, I’d always care about her, and I needed her to understand that.