by Harley Reid
She’s angry and I’m not in the mood to argue with her. I just want to be alone, so I trudge off to take a shower.
The water raining down on me feels good against my skin, the sound of it splashing against the bottom of the cubicle hypnotises me and before long I am going through the motions of washing the stench of stale alcohol and self-pity from my body.
Once I’ve finished in the shower and feeling a little more like my normal self, I get dressed, walk through the living room where there is now no sign of the broken glass and sit with Lexi in the kitchen.
“You two seemed so in love, and you seemed so worried when you found out she was missing. I get that you have a lot to process with Jamison being responsible for your wife’s death and everything, but what I still don’t understand is why you haven’t been to see her. You left her on her own when she needed you the most.” I can hear the anguish in her voice as she stares accusingly at me across the counter.
“I did go visit her, but your mum said she didn’t want to see me.” I argue “And she’s right, it’s my fault she was in danger and she’s much safer if I stay away and let her move on.”
“You’re a fucking idiot. Do you honestly think she’s better off without you?” She hesitates and starts picking at her nails, the same way that Mia does when she’s nervous. “If you tell her I told you this I will deny it but she’s as miserable as you are. She’s even staying with mum, so you know it’s as bad as it gets.”
She places a small, folded piece of paper onto the table in front of me. I stare at it for a few moments trying to figure out what it is.
“That’s my mum’s address. Sort yourself out. Win your fight on Saturday and then go tell her how you feel.” Lexi slides down off her stool and walks away, leaving me with only the low humming of the fridge to keep me company while I contemplate my next move.
I place the shiny but worn DVD in the tray, pushing it back in towards the little boxy television combined with a DVD player. Then I slide my finger over the button on the remote, pressing the play icon, and watching the opening sequence of The Notebook fill the sixteen-inch screen.
It's been almost a week since I decided to come back home, and I've probably watched it a hundred times. Mum keeps telling me that I should get myself back out there, but I just can't face it. I hate Ethan for what he did but as much as I try not to, I still love him.
It's been a tough couple of days. Living with mum again is not something I wanted, trying to get away from that future was the reason I took the stupid job in the first place, but I can’t keep sleeping on Lexi’s couch forever.
My phone pings beside me, and I glance down, hoping to see Ethan's name flash up on the screen. It happens every time my phone makes a noise and it’s always the same disappointment when it’s not him.
Saw again Ethan today. He was a total mess!
I sit frozen, staring at Lexi’s words, unsure how to reply. Then a second later my phone pings again.
I got the role!!!! On my way over with details.
Slumping down into my bed, I sigh. Feeling a mixture of sadness and relief, I text back.
OK, see you soon x
A lump rises in my throat as I think about Ethan. I throw on my dressing gown, remembering the last time we were together, I smile to myself as I tie it around me and head downstairs to get a glass of water.
“Hey.” I roll my eyes as I walk into the kitchen to see Ricardo, mum's latest plaything sitting at the breakfast counter. “Is mum at work?”
He stands up to greet me, wearing only a pair of tighty-whiteys, the huge tribal design etched in black ink poking out from his waistband. Mum, what are you thinking?
“Si.” His smooth Italian accent startles me for a second. “She be home soon.”
“Cool thanks.” I reach for a glass and fill it with ice cold water. “Drink?”
“No thank you. I go shower now.”
As he disappears into the dark corridor the doorbell echoes through the hall.
Confusion overwhelms me as I walk towards the door. Maybe Lexi forgot her key. Yes, that's got to be it.
I open the door to find Sarah standing on the porch nervously. Her dark brown hair is pulled off her face into her signature chignon and she's aged about ten years since I last saw her.
“You're a difficult woman to find.” She purrs as she shuffles on the spot.
“Obviously not difficult enough.” I retort, somehow angry that it's not him standing in front of me. “What do you want, Sarah?”
“Can we talk?” I move aside, making space for her as she walks past, removes her coat and elegantly drapes it over her arm.
As I lead her through to the lounge my chest begins to tighten.
“So…” I lower myself down into the edge of the sofa. “Why are you here?”
She follows my lead and cautiously takes a seat at the other end of the sofa, shuffling slightly sideways to face me.
“Look, I know I have been a bitch to you since you started looking after Madison…” Well, that’s the understatement of the century. “But I care about my brother and for some reason, he has fallen for you…” Another little dig, she can’t help herself. “And I know that you care about him too.” She waits for me to answer but I'm trying hard to fight back a river of tears.
I've cried more than an ocean's worth of tears over that man and I hate that he's constantly monopolising my thoughts. He was nothing that I wanted but everything I didn't know I needed, and it kills me that it’s not him here instead.
“How I feel about Ethan doesn't matter.” A single tear runs down my cheek, “It was just a fling.”
“If you honestly believe that then you're a bigger fool than he is.” Frustration builds up in her voice as she continues. “For a week now he's been skipping training and drinking heavily, trying to convince himself that he’s doing the right thing. He’s such a mess, I don’t even know how he managed to weigh in on target this morning.”
There it is. The real reason she is here. She wants me to pretend everything is alright and take him back, so he doesn’t lose the fight.
“If what we had meant so much to him, why didn’t he come and see me at the hospital?” The gates open and tears start streaming down my face, “Why doesn’t he care enough to see if I’m alright?”
“Maybe you should ask your mother.”
I’m sobbing hysterically now, wondering what part my mum has to play in all of this. Sarah stands up, puts on her coat and reaches into her pocket.
“Look, I’m staying home with Madison tomorrow, so I have a spare couple of ring side seats for the fight. I know he’d really appreciate it if you were there.” She puts an envelope down on the coffee table and turns to leave. “There are two VIP tickets there, he loves you, now it’s up to you to decide whether he’s worth fighting for.”
As she walks away, I slump down on the sofa feeling the weight of her words.
“Hey, I just passed Sarah on the way in. Is everything okay?” Lexi saunters in and rushes over to console me once she surveys the wreckage. “For fuck sake Mia, what did she say to you?”
I point to the envelope on the table, unable to find the strength to speak. She reaches over and pulls out the tickets, her eyes widening as she spots the VIP passes that are included. They certainly are a big gesture but I’m not sure I can stomach the thought of sitting through an evening of fighting.
“Please tell me you’re going, and that you’re taking me as your plus one?” she pleads.
I wipe my tears on my sleeve and sniffle through the conversation I just had with Sarah as she listens intently.
“So, what are you going to do?” She finally replies after taking it all in. “Look, when I went to pick your stuff up, I saw him, and he was a wreck.” As if sensing my confusion, Lexi continues. “I mean, sitting in the dark, stinking of booze, not washed for a week bad, and if I think he was bad, he’s got to be a mess, right? I even had to force him to get a shower.” She sighs. “He said he went to s
ee you at the hospital, but mum told him you didn’t want to see him and he thinks you’re better off without him.”
Her eyes are welling up and I don’t really know what to say. How can he think I’m better without him? I love him.
“He blames himself for what happened.” She hesitates for a second “And to be honest, I got the impression that mum has a big role to play in him thinking that way.”
“But she doesn’t even know Ethan, what could she possibly say to him that would make him stay away.” My heart feels as though someone has plucked it out of my body and trampled all over it. “No, if he really cared for me, he’d be here.”
“Just think about it Mia. In his mind, he’s staying away because he cares.”
After the realisation of my mum possibly being behind my recent heartbreak, Lexi lifted my spirits by telling me all about her audition. She’s been cast as the lead in a new pilot being shot next summer and they are so confident that the launch will go well they want to contract her for at least three seasons. It’s by far the biggest role she’s ever landed but when most of her jobs have been TV commercials and walk-on roles, there’s not much competition.
I’ve never seen her so excited and I’m thrilled for her. It’s about time those casting directors realised how talented she is. She’s got to go through her script and prepare for a table reading next week with her new cast members, so she leaves just after eight, and I anxiously wait for mum to come home from work.
It seems kind of weird being back in the room I had as a teenager surrounded by all my old things. Kind of like a little noughties paradise, especially with the enormous N’Sync poster pinned to the back of my bedroom door, my wiggly edged mirror and floral bedspread. I flop back on my bed, staring at the faded glow in the dark stars stuck to my ceiling and try to resist the urge to call Ethan. I need to see what mum has to say for herself before I confront him.
About ten minutes later, the front door bangs shut, and I race down the stairs hoping to intercept before Ricardo distracts her. Managing to get halfway down the stairs before she notices, she glares at me, confusion etched all over her face.
“We need to talk.” I say through gritted teeth and her expression quickly changes to worry.
“Can I at least get a glass of wine first, darling? Today has been the most impossible day at work and I could really use a drink.” She walks towards the kitchen, picks up the half empty bottle of red standing on the windowsill and pours herself a glass before setting it down and turning to me. “So, what do you want to talk about?”
“What did you do?” I cross my arms, pacing the kitchen, staring at her waiting for a response.
“Can we please dispense with the childish drama Amelia, why don’t you just tell me what you think I’ve done.” Struggling to look at me, she takes a sip of her wine and runs her fingers through her hair.
“I had a visit from Ethan’s sister today and she seems to think that you had something to do with what happened between me and Ethan.”
“That’s absolutely absurd. Why would I be messing around in your love life?”
“Don’t lie to me mother. If you don’t tell me what you did, I’ll walk out of this house and you’ll never see me again.” My body stiffens as I try to contain my anger, “No wonder dad moved halfway across the world to get away from you and Lexi want nothing to do with you!”
I’ve never spoken to my mum like this before, usually I’m the one defending her. I can see the hurt in her eyes, but she’s brought this on herself.
“Okay fine.” She sighs, “Sit down and I’ll tell you everything.”
I sit down, turning my body away from her slightly so I don’t have to look at her.
“You’ve always been my favourite you know? My sweet, kind, caring little Amelia Rose with so much potential. So fragile, with a need to make everyone else happy, but the problem is, your gentle nature makes it so easy for people to manipulate and take advantage of you.” She glances towards the floor as she speaks, trying to avoid eye contact, “When I saw you with Ethan at the ball, I could see from the way you were looking at him that you were going to get hurt. I knew I needed to do something because guys like him are nothing but trouble.”
“Get to the point mother.” I spit.
“Last week, Peter came to me and admitted that he’d made a mistake and wanted to make things right. He said that he had ended things with Amber and asked for permission to propose to you.” She exhales slowly and continues. “Peter called me after you turned him down. He said that you chose Ethan over him. I knew you were making a big mistake and needed to help you realise that he is just a silly infatuation. So, when he came to visit you at the hospital, I told him that if he loved you, he would do the right thing and walk away.” She lifts her gaze just enough for me to see tears forming. “You and Peter are perfect together. He’ll take care of you and make you happy. You deserve so much more than a man who almost had you killed. I simply told him the truth… that it was his fault, and you are better off without him in your life.”
“How could you do that?” Finally looking her in the eye so she can witness the devastation she has caused, “You saw how much Peter hurt me. I finally found someone who loves me for me, not the career opportunities that my mother can offer him… and you ruined everything.”
“But I did it for you. Now you and Peter can go back to the way things were.”
“No, the only person you were thinking of was yourself. You were too worried about how it would look to all your friends to worry about me. You just want me to marry a nice clean-cut boy with traditional values because then you look like the amazing mother you pretend to be. Well guess what?"
Tears prick my eyes as I raise myself off my stool, move towards the door and turn to face her.
“I never loved Peter.” I inhale sharply, “And the only person that has hurt me, is you.”
“I'm so sorry Amelia, I didn't mean to...”
“I don't care about your apologies. I can’t even look at you right now.”
She sits in silence as I collect my things from my room, call a taxi and leave, hoping that Lexi is at home and happy to let my crash for a few nights.
“Come on Lex, we’re going to be late.” I yell, adding the finishing touches to my make-up and slipping into my heals.
“Okay, okay. I’m almost done. I just need to decide what to wear and I’ll be right out.” I’m beginning to regret the decision to bring Lexi along but there is no way I can go to Ethan’s fight and tell him how I feel without some kind of moral support. Besides, she’s letting me sleep on her sofa again, so it’s the least I can do.
I sit down on the sofa, waiting for Lexi to finish in her room and dig my phone out of my small clutch bag.
“Hey baby, I know you don’t want to see me right now and I should probably just walk away and give you some space but… I’ve decided that I can’t live without you and I just need you to come home. I’m sorry for bringing Jamison into your life. I’m sorry for not being able to protect you from him. Please, just be mine again.”
When I got to Lexi’s apartment last night, I finally found the courage to check my voice mail. Six drunken, slurred messages from Ethan and I have been listening to them over and over ever since.
Eventually, Lexi emerges from her room dressed in a ridiculously bright gold body con dress, a leather jacket and a pair of stilettos that would make even Ariana Grande look short. There is absolutely no way we are blending into the crowd tonight.
A horn blast outside and as I my glance drifts towards the window, I see the cab outside waiting for us.
“Come on then, what are you waiting for?” Lexi strolls out of the apartment as if she’s the one that has been waiting for me all night as I follow, locking the door behind me.
Distracted by the bright lights of the bustling club scene in the Northern Quarter, the journey to the arena goes quickly and when we arrive, I am anxious to see him. Pulling away after being paid, the cab driver leaves
us standing on the curb staring at a gigantic queue of people waiting to get in. I motion to Lexi to follow me to the back but as usual, she has other ideas.
Grabbing the tickets from me, she barges through the crowd of people, pulling me along behind her as she approaches the two security men and unleashes her silkiest, sexiest voice.
“Hey, we’ve got these VIP tickets and I was wondering if we could, you know, get inside. It’s so cold out here, my poor nipples are rock hard. Look.” She opens her leather jacket and points at her boobs. Oh my God! Did she really just say that? I avert my gaze to the floor, trying to avoid eye contact with the door men or listen as we get told to wait our turn like everyone else, wishing the floor would open up beneath my feet and swallow me but then, to my surprise, we are waved through, much to the annoyance of the crowd outside.
“I can’t believe you just did that.” I frown, “You’re such an embarrassment.”
“Yeah, but you still love me.” She quips as she moves towards the bar. “And it worked didn’t it.”
“Yeah, but I’m pretty sure you just put feminism back a full decade with that performance.” I motion to the barman and order two glasses of wine as Lexi scowls at me while waiting for our order to be served.
After receiving our drinks, we head into the empty arena to find our seats. There’s a huge octagonal shaped cage in the middle of the floor with a lighting rig overhead so we head down the stair and towards the seats beginning to fill up with people I barely recognise. A few of the guys I recognise from the fight videos I watched before my interview but there’s this one guy with his long black hair in braids, wearing nothing but a Gucci robe with trousers that match the sash and a pair of dress shoes. I make the assumption that he’s probably a fighter, based on the fact that no one else would probably pull that off at an event like this.
Feeling extremely out of place, we eventually find our chairs and take a seat. Lexi immediately flirting with the robe guy, who she tells me is called Mateo Jimenez, the current Welterweight Champion.