by Morpheous
Rights and Responsibilities with Your Play Partner
You have the right to have your sexuality respected and not belittled, nor judged.
You have the right to have a safe space in which to explore your fantasies.
You have the right to physical, emotional and mental safety regarding your desires.
You have the right to say no.
You have the right to say yes.
Most of all, you are responsible for respecting all of these rights as they apply to your partner, if you want to create and build trust.
After fifteen years of marriage we discovered BDSM, and we already had an exciting, satisfying sex life. Bringing kink into our lives was a fun, natural extension of our sexuality. However, the needs or standards of the relationship are tested on a regular basis. Those issues can change on a daily basis and it has been a few years and we are still figuring it all out as we move along, learning more and more about each other. It is definitely a process that is constantly evolving. We haven’t figured it all out yet, but we love what we share and already have a committed relationship and that gives us the framework to be able to explore each other’s fantasies.
—cat and Rat, sub/Dom couple
Strap-on sex
1 First get the essentials - a condom and a nice big pretty dick of your own.
2 Get a harness that fits you properly and comfortably.
3 Put the condom on the dildo, making sure to unroll it all the way to the base.
4 Push it through the hole in the harness…
5 … making sure it sits nicely in the harness for the best comfort.
6 Fasten the other side of the harness snugly to give you the most power when you thrust!
7 Check out how hot you look with your pretty new dick!
8 Bend your partner over; doggie style is best when first starting out.
9 When she's nice and wet let her guide you into her as you won't be able to feel when her holes are.
10 When you'be mastered it, flip her over and fuck away!
11 Remember to try every position you can think of.
12 And to make it even kinkier, invite a friend!
Negotiating with a Play Partner
Face Sitting: A practice where the Domme sits on the face of the submissive, forcing them to perform oral sex or “smothering” them. Can be used with or without clothing such as panties or leathers.
Are you going to negotiate as an “adult” or let your “bratty persona” do the negotiating for the scene? When you are new to exploring this, I suggest you work on building the skills of negotiating as an “adult” who is well balanced, someone who can take the time to listen carefully to what his partner needs and wants and also be able to express his own needs and desires. As you become more experienced with specific partners and the groundwork of negotiating limits has been established, you can start to explore your persona’s character and limits. It really depends on the context of what is being explored. Negotiating real boundaries should be done as an adult, prior to the scene, but playful negotiation can be part of the role-playing, i.e., the sub might argue as a bratty schoolgirl bargaining to get out of a spanking from the headmistress at a private school.
With any curious submissive or vanilla woman that I have met, honesty has always played the most important role in that dynamic. The first thing I do is tell her about my lifestyle and usually she becomes intrigued and then more curious. It can be an interesting position to be in, introducing a curious vanilla woman to my lifestyle. I try to get to know her likes and dislikes and find out if she has ever experienced anything like bondage or spanking. If we are dating and she wants to explore in a safe, controlled and sensual way, I create a small, safe scene to experiment with every item or area that raises her interest. I try to find out what she likes; this also gives me the opportunity to see if she likes what I like. I use positive, encouraging tones because I know newbies are a little hesitant and can tend to be in a more sensitive emotional state. Experimenting for the first time can make people nervous—they are letting their long-held desires finally bubble to the surface. I want to keep hurt feelings at bay and I always consider this to be an experimental phase. I don’t have any expectations or make demands—it is just about exploring in fun and satisfying ways.
—Joe, Master
Sometimes people’s interests just don’t match up and no amount of bargaining can result in a compromise. Someone’s interests or limits might be beyond the scope of her partner’s interests or personal limits. If this is the case, you should both avoid any blaming or judgmental language. This is also an opportunity for you to recognize your need to pursue these interests, if they are important enough, with others who are into them. This is a tricky area for those who are just getting into kinky play. An established couple might feel that their personal lives could be compromised if they play with others, and the best way to handle this situation is to establish personal boundaries that are not compromised through play. Some couples I know have very specific limits regarding playtime with others outside their personal dynamic. This is an ongoing negotiation in your personal lives. What are you comfortable with your partner doing? What is he or she comfortable with you doing? How can you discuss it without hurting each other’s feelings? The key to this is using the “Oreo” method of discussion—sandwiching the challenging aspect of a situation between two positive points. Any “I” language should be positive feedback, i.e., “I really love what we share; you are a fantastic woman and it is amazing when you spank me. But lately I have really been feeling that I would like to be taken advantage of by multiple hands while you are spanking me. How would you feel about finding a few people that would pinch, tickle and slap me while you are doing it? It would be really hot to know you are telling others what to do to me.” Be sensitive to your partner when you bring this subject up and stress that it isn’t “her fault” that she isn’t able to provide what you desire from time to time. Nurturing the primary relationship you are in, and not jeopardizing it for a secondary or tertiary relationship will help keep play dynamics fun and easier to manage without hurting others. There is a reason that you are in the primary relationship after all, but it is okay if you can’t meet all the needs of your partner. Take time to figure out what each of you is comfortable with the other doing. I personally have a standing agreement within my primary relationship that we are both free to “safely do whatever you feel comfortable with having me do.” Involving your other in the decision or boundary making process helps nurture the relationship.
Introducing new ideas to your lover in a positive way will help you both feel confident about exploring.
Trying something that your partner wants to do can open new doors for you too!
Corsets are making a comeback in a back way and look absolutely amazing.
Feminization: Enforcing behaviors or activities on a male submissive or slave that are normally associated with a woman. For example: cross-dressing him in female clothes, making him sit to urinate. Can be used for humiliation play or for empowerment depending on the context.
Leo and I don’t so much negotiate as navigate: we sit down and talk our way through new situations as they come up, rather than trying to map things out before they happen. The bottom line is and always has been respect. We respect each other, whether in role or in our day-to-day life. I think that’s a constant in all successful relationships, in business life, personal life, scene and vanilla. One of Leo’s work colleagues, a very perceptive woman, recently told him that people have noticed he seems different when I’m around. Folks don’t know why this alpha male is suddenly so attentive, more quiet, and subtly deferential to his wife. It makes them uncomfortable because they don’t understand the change. Our dynamic is so natural to us that we really never noticed, and probably those who only know us as a couple would find it normal. Me, I just assumed this is the way men in love act toward their wives.
—Violet (Violet and Leo met in the scene, became Mis
tress and submissive, and eventually fell in love and got married. They’ve been together for almost ten years.)
Negotiation is a skill that can help you in all aspects of your life. Inside or outside the bedroom, good communication will allow you to have your needs fulfilled as well as be empathetic to your partner’s needs. If you work on communicating and negotiating you can both be fulfilled as a couple.
Role-play can allow you to explore your deepest fantasies.
Fetish: Specific obsession or delight in an object i.e., shoe fetish.
What amazes me about “vanilla” people and their relationships is that they sometimes have problems with boundaries that are quite contrary to the negotiations that happen with play partners. Specifically, I have a cousin who took his wife’s friend to a house party because his wife wasn’t feeling well. Afterward his wife was upset because “he should know better than to take my friend without asking,” but if they never discussed boundaries, how was he to know? As an experienced submissive, I find that open communication is essential to keeping things on track. Boundaries are discussed in a frank and open way and always in a respectful tone. That is one of the things I really like about the scene—people tend to work hard on communicating with others in polite, respectful ways without judgment or assumptions.
—gregg, submissive extraordinaire
Let’s skip ahead to a time when you might be at a fetish night or a play party. How do you figure out if that hot little thing you just met is into some of the same things you are? Easy: ask her. Do it in a nonthreatening and casual manner and listen to what he or she is saying and then you can determine if those interests dovetail with your own. What you shouldn’t do is compromise your own boundaries or comfort level just because you want to play and are intensely attracted to this person. No one should try to make you do things that are beyond your boundaries, including yourself. Respect where you are in your own skill level and know what your boundaries are. Remember too that negotiation can be more than just verbal; there are signs and body language that come into play when negotiating with someone new that you both should concentrate on in order to decipher just what is really being said.
Getting your own way in the bedroom is fun, but you should always be a respectful negotiator, both inside and outside the boudoir.
Fetish Party: A chance to dress up and play with a large group of people usually at a club and a hell of a lot of fun!
My personal approach to negotiating a scene is both verbal and physical. The verbal components address the following about my prospective playmate: (a) are there any physical illnesses, i.e., Hep C, stds; or restrictions, i.e., torn rotator cuff, high blood pressure, diabetes; (b) are there any psychological issues, i.e., Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, disassociation; (c) what safewords are to be used and what do the safewords mean? (d) is pain to be a component of the play and if so is pain to be managed through the use of safewords? (e) what styles of play are not acceptable (heavy percussion, cutting/branding/needles, breath play, restrictive play such as bondage/gagging, et cetera)? and finally (f) what form of aftercare will be provided? The remaining critical verbal question I will ask as the Dominant, is: “What’s in it for me?” I require my prospective playmates to tell me in a succinct way what it is they will give me in return for my investment in playing them. If I do not hear a response that touches my psyche then the negotiations end then and there. The physical communication is both prior to, during, and after play. If I do not observe signs of submission in these individuals’ tone of voice and posture, a sincere, reverent look in their eyes, then I am prone to lose interest in playing with them. During play I continue to look for the body language conveyed by submissives. Do they move their body in a manner that reaches toward my toys or touches? Do they simply lie like a lump on the bench? Do they breathe in a manner that conveys an awareness of my presence, my caress, my slap? Do they communicate through facial expressions such as smiles, grimaces?
—Kindred, sadist/therapist
Nipple suckers
1 Nipple suckers are a really fun way of subjecting your partner to some delicious torture.
2 First get him nice and hot.
3 Then place one of the suckers over a nice supple nipple, tight against the skin.
4 Pull the end away from the skin to create a vacuum over the nipple.
5 Turn the knobs on the top so that the nipple gets sucked up into the tube.
6 Repeat with the other nipple, and leave them there as long as your devious mind lets you.
Being up front and honest about your needs will gain you respect. Be prepared to find that sometimes your own interests will not match up with those of someone else to whom you are attracted. It happens, and it doesn’t necessarily mean you need to change.
Fisting: Inserting the entire hand into the vagina or anus. When done properly it is easier to accomplish than most people realize. The term “fisting” is misleading as the hand is inserted slowly, with lots of lubricant, with the fingers formed into a gentle point. Only after the hand is in is it formed into a gentle fist.
Sometimes things can go wrong—we are, after all, only human. Boundaries can be crossed by accident or stumbled over, and how you deal with this is what is going to demonstrate your character or lack of it. When people are feeling emotionally tender you need to be tender back. You have to show them that when they are feeling vulnerable and fragile you will hold them and reassure them. What you should not do is challenge them if a boundary has been crossed. Relax; take a breath and just chill for the time being until you can both discuss it as mature adults. Please don’t fight fire with fire when a boundary has been crossed. Mean what you say and stick to it; show them you will follow through on what you say you will.
I can say that only one scene has ever gone really wrong for me. A new bottom was so eager to play with me that he misrepresented his interests, abilities and hard limits. After negotiating with him a number of times I invited him over for an afternoon of fun. I had told him what I enjoyed and what I expected to make a scene work for me. He often repeated how much he wanted to serve me and how he’d do anything for me. While some of his interests did nothing for me I believed that we had enough common ground to have an enjoyable afternoon. Right from the start, the scene wasn’t progressing well and at one point I asked him if there was something I could do to turn things around. He made a suggestion and I played along, hoping to salvage this scene. He then took over and started asking all these questions; if I didn’t answer them as he liked he’d ask another, cutting me off. I ended the scene with a firm, “I’m not comfortable with this.” He got dressed and asked me if I wanted to see him again. I was still in a bad headspace because I’d never had a scene go so unsatisfactorily. Throughout the scene the feedback I got from him was negative; I had gotten nothing of what was important to me; and he ended up the scene with trying to top from the bottom which was not part of what we had previously agreed upon. I took the polite approach and told him I wanted to think about it and he immediately bolted for the door. A couple of hours later he sent a very nasty text message to my cell phone. Had I been a newbie to play, this would have surely scared me away from the lifestyle for years if not permanently. I’ve since done more reading and attended workshops on scene negotiating and other skills. I now expect much more concrete information from my bottoms before I play with them and I make sure that our interests are more compatible.
—Mercury Kittie, Domme
Sometimes your play partner will want to be used and abused.
Flogger: Multitailed whip with flat ends used for erotic playtime. Usually made from leather, rubber, fur or rope.
When negotiations fall apart it is because of a lack of communication and understanding. Dialoging with your partner is essential. If you are asking for feedback before or during a scene, and you feel you are being pushed in a direction that you don’t want to go or previously hadn’t negotiated, then a little “time-out” never hurt anyone. Slow is easy. There is no
rush; play should be fun—that is why it is called play. You also have the right to not accept play that isn’t working for you. Perhaps you have a long-term partner with whom you are playing, and there is something that isn’t quite working for you during a scene and you want to renegotiate. How do you salvage it and save yourselves any embarrassment? Easy: you tell him. Again, the bedroom/dungeon should be a place where anything can be said or discussed without any fear of reprisal—where you can say, “Wait a minute honey, that ball gag really is making my jaw sore in a bad way,” or “Can you grab that pillow and put it under my ass so you can get a better angle?” If your delivery is compassionate and kind, then it can be expected that your partner will hand you the pillow or adjust the ball gag and then you can continue. If you come across as a demanding asshole then that will pretty much kill the playtime right there. Adults negotiate, children whine.
As a Dominant or Top during the scene it is your job to keep the momentum of playtime going, and as a bottom you have a responsibility to communicate with the Top. It is also perfectly okay to request a time-out. I was doing an intense scene with a partner once when I inadvertently stumbled across an emotional trigger for her—one that she hadn’t even known about. She started crying and not in a good way. I unbuckled her from the St. Andrew’s cross, scooped her up in my arms, and lay down with her on the bed and just held her while she cried. It happens, and this point will be discussed in more detail in chapter 8, Safety. Eventually she calmed down and we talked about what had happened and decided that getting out of the dungeon, getting a bite to eat and talking about it would be the best thing right then. A few hours later, after I’d listened to her figure out what triggered her reaction, she suggested that we go back to the dungeon and try some lighter activity that was as far away from that trigger as possible. Just some nice spanking, as she was still really eager to play and having had a few hours of chilling-out time helped her to reflect on what was happening and why.