by Morpheous
—Allison Hughes, clinical social worker
Subspace: A “natural high” or endorphin rush that a sub can get during a scene.
Does “no” mean “no” in playtime? Of course it doesn’t. These are often uttered in the course of kinky role-playing in the bedroom and dungeon and that’s why safewords have come to be used to slow down or stop a scene. (See earlier discussion in chapter 3.) Green, Yellow and Red have developed into a universally accepted triad of terms unique enough to not be said mistakenly and immediately identifiable. If you are playing with gags then an accepted alternative is to place a set of keys in the bottom’s hand and have him or her drop them as “Yellow,” which then gives you the opportunity to remove the gag and ask her to tell you what is wrong or needs adjusting.
Bondage Safety
Anytime anyone gets tied up there has to be a quick way of getting that person free should an emergency develop. If the tie is done with rope or leather, EMT safety shears are a must to have nearby. For rubber or plastic wrap, you may want to use seat belt cutters. I don’t as a rule carry a sharp-bladed knife (unless I am doing a knife-play scene) as a safety precaution; I much prefer snub-nosed EMT shears. The advantage to them is if your fingers are all lubed up and things are slippery the chance of damaging someone while trying to free him or her with EMT shears is much lower than if you are holding on to a razor-sharp knife with lubed-up slippery fingers. You don’t want to increase the danger or the issues by cutting them inadvertently when all they need is to be free. There are many ways of using rope that can expedite the process of getting them untied. What I have found with rope bondage is that it tends to go a little more slowly than other methods of bondage—but because of that you can fine-tune the bondage, loosening or tightening areas, and seldom have a problem spring up on you. The bottom can feel his fingers falling asleep long before they actually do and communicate that to you so you can adjust the rope accordingly. If you are going to put rope on a person, you need to make sure you don’t tie knots on top of knots. This is a mistake that many make in the haste of passion. As the Dominant you need to be able to get at those knots and untie the person quickly if need be. (See slip knots photos on pages 96–100.) Buckling someone into wrist restraints has the bonus of your only needing to unbuckle a strap to free her. Tying someone’s hands above his head for long periods of time will cause the hands to fall asleep, and if they are stretched upward, this may cause difficulty with breathing if the torso is pulled taut, as the diaphragm will not be able to function correctly.
Choose your play partners carefully; a Top should have your health and safety in mind most of all.
When playing with bondage, always be sure that the bonds aren’t causing your slave real pain.
Switch: Someone who likes being both Dominant and submissive, either in one scene or on different occasions.
There are a multitude of things that CAN go wrong with bondage; I want you to have a safe and fun playtime, whether in the bedroom, the kitchen, the den, a sleazy motel room or a fetish party play space. A nice simple spread-eagle tie on the bed is a great and safe way to start. Don’t be so overwhelmed by safety issues you’re afraid to play, just make sure you are playing within your comfort zone and that you know you can handle issues immediately and effectively. When you have your partner bound, staying in contact with her, emotionally and physically, is essential. You aren’t just “playing” around—you are responsible for that person’s safety. Fire, earthquakes and the like are all long shots but Mother Nature has been known to work in strange ways. Be prepared to respond quickly to unexpected emergencies. Above all, never ever leave someone in bondage alone. EVER. Do not go to the store or out for a beer and leave them behind chained up in a box. Any partner who requests that you leave him or her or wants to leave you alone, bound, should be avoided no matter what “fail-safe” methods he assures you are in place. The number one cause of death in bondage accidents is the victim being left alone, either by choice or left there by someone. People who engage in private, self bondage always increase the risk to their safety. Sometimes they do it because they have no one else to play with, or perhaps they have a spouse that doesn’t understand their desires or simply no one who’s interested in the same activity. Some enjoy the perceived thrill of being helpless and left only to their own wits to “escape.” I highly recommend that anyone who wants to play with bondage does it with a partner.
Gags
Gagging someone can be a very powerful experience, both mentally and physically. Rubber ball gags look very sexy in bondage pinup pictures but will cause a person to drool an amazing amount, so be prepared for it to be messy ten minutes after you get the ball buckled in. Some people like ring gags which is a metal ring instead of a silicone ball—I have a preference for ring gags as they give the submissive or bottom the feeling of being helplessly gagged but it does not obstruct their airway. Stuffing panties or stockings into the mouth can be a lot of fun but don’t tie them there as there is a chance they can slip down into the back of the throat and cause choking. The submissive should be able to spit them out in the event of an emergency.
Training: Refers to either a short or ongoing period of time in which the Dom/me teaches the sub how to act in a specific situation. Can either be playful or serious, depending on the couple.
Drinking and Playing
Stay off the sauce when you are playing. Alcohol is okay in moderation but it is very difficult to reassure that new bottom you want to play with at the latest fetish night that you are very good with the cane after you have had six to eight martinis. Drugs should be avoided, as they alter your perception of reality, not a good idea for someone wielding a whip. Getting all liquored up, buying a new whip and then demanding someone play with you is just a recipe for a disastrous weekend.
Sexual Health History
Know who you are playing with. Take time to discuss and communicate emotional and physical health issues, then base your level of play on that communication. What about their blood health issues? Have they been exposed to one of the hepatitis viruses or are they HIV positive? What can you do to protect yourself while still enjoying playtime with them? Choices about partners are just as important as any other negotiations. Never let your ego get in the way of your sexual health. Choices you make could affect you for the rest of your life. Do you know how to use latex condoms effectively not only on toys and penises but also perhaps slitting one down its length and using it as a dental dam if you don’t have one available?
Sadomasochists have made ourselves extremely knowledgeable on the subject of AIDS and health—[People should] periodically take the AIDS antibody test. Almost all of us, even those with negative test results, have restricted or limited our own play and/or choice of partners in some way. Indeed, we now are seeing a new challenge in our play: to eroticize the use of condoms and gloves and other necessary safety measures in a creative manner.
—Charles Moster and JJ Madeson, Bound to Be Free
When your collar is on, you should be able to completely give yourself over to your Dominant while knowing that you are being cared for.
Toy Safety
Trigger: An emotional/mental or physical activity that causes a distinct reaction. Comes in both the Good and Bad kind. Be sensitive to your partner’s trigger(s).
If you keep one toy for a specific person, that helps ensure there is no cross contamination although that toy still needs to be cleaned. Unfortunately that isn’t always practical for most budgets. So to prevent any cross contamination you need to thoroughly clean and maintain your toys, especially insertable ones such as dildos, ass and pussy toys and also gags. Anything that will come into contact with someone’s body fluids will need to be cleaned much more thoroughly than something that does not.
Many bacteria and viruses are susceptible to drying. HIV is a fairly fragile virus if it is not in a bodily fluid but others can live on, say, a butt plug for months, even if it stays dry. So no matter how long your toys have
been laying around since they were last played with, they should be decontaminated before being used again.
—Trevor Jacques, On the Safe Edge: A Manual for SM Play
Jacques also recommends the following cleaning solutions: chlorine bleach diluted in water at a 1:9 ratio, or 70 percent isopropyl alcohol to water mix (which comes premixed at the drugstore), and also Betadine, a brand of consumer available povidone-iodine topical antiseptic. One can also mix a half and half solution of Betadine and isopropyl alcohol in a spray bottle. Toys need to be washed after playtime and then again just before they are used—bedside nightstand drawers aren’t the most sterile of places after all; do you really want to put that dildo in with a dust bunny attached to it? Just using soapy water to clean a toy isn’t enough to ensure its safety. It’s a great start but is not the only step. A preventative step before using a toy is to cover it with a condom. This is easy and quite quick for toys you are going to share. Used properly, this introduces another physical barrier and is easily disposed of after play. When removing the condom from the toy, ensure that you do so in a manner that easily and cleanly takes the condom off without any contamination: securely grip the base of the condom and then stretch and lift it back up the shaft of the dildo so you don’t touch any part of it and the condom winds up inside out when it is off the dildo. You still have to use your best judgment and common sense when cleaning and maintaining your toys, but these methods can give you yet another level of reassurance.
Silicone ball gags cause some serious drooling, so prepare to get really wet!
Toys always need to be cleaned well — especially after scenes like this!
There is a big difference between cleaning toys and sterilizing them. Sterilizing occurs when the object is placed in an environment above 300 degrees F for over a half an hour (such as an autoclave, which is a strongly pressurized device designed to heat water above its boiling point to achieve sterilization). Most toys are okay to use if they are simply cleaned but if you are using something that will puncture the skin you need to take the next step up and sterilize it.
While most plastic, jelly or hard-shelled dildos can be placed in the dishwasher, some are sensitive to heat. Cyberskin—a soft squishy polymer-based toy that emulates the feel of human skin, (also known as Soft-Touch and Euroskin) is going to warp and melt terribly if you put it in the dishwasher. I much prefer silicone-based toys, which can be boiled or cleaned with mild soap and water. Silicone-based lube should NOT be used with silicone toys as it can damage them, and if you nick or cut them, a small rip will quickly turn into a larger one, so be careful about having it in your mouth or around other sharp objects, or being overly anxious in fitting it in that new strap-on harness you just bought.
There’s nothing more gorgeous than a helpless submissive!
Floggers and Whips
Trust: The most important aspect in all of BDSM.
What about floggers and whips made of leather? The first rule is, don’t break the skin. You can avoid a lot of blood health contamination issues if you don’t go so hard that you cause the submissive to bleed. Know who you are playing with! If your partner has blood- or fluid-related issues then you have to assess those risks for your own health. A cracker, the nylon string at the end of the whip that makes the scary sound, should be considered a one person only toy or disposable. Be forewarned when using your new leather flogger on someone, if you get cum and lube or other fluids on it, you are not going to be able to clean it effectively. There are leather cleaners and conditioners to remove dirt and keep the leather supple but you will not be able to guarantee that the flogger is clean for the next person if you allow it to become soiled by fluids. That’s an important consideration if you have just spent three hundred dollars on a brand-new bull-hide flogger. Personally I prefer to be proactive; I simply don’t let fluids come in contact with my leather floggers. If someone’s pussy is slick and wet then I don’t strike her there. I don’t hit anyone hard enough to cause the skin on the back to break and bleed. However if you WANT to have your pussy or cock and balls slapped around, buy a toy specifically for yourself, preferably one made of plastic, rubber, or PVC that can be washed and cleaned effectively.
Total Power Exchange: A relationship based on D/s where the Dom/me has ultimate authority over the submissive.
Oh No, Where Did It Go?
Bum safety: first of all, you will most likely be stuffing something up there sooner or later, be it a finger or a dildo or a plug, or a vegetable. Your curiosity will get the best of you, and ass play can be a lot of fun. Take some time to learn about your bum, most of the nerve endings are concentrated right near the beginning at the anus so it responds best to stimulation and pressure. Men have the prostate gland (also known as the male G-spot) which can feel intense and really good when stimulated either externally or internally, and a woman can have the internal body of her clitoris stimulated. When most of us think about the clitoris we only take note of the little bit poking its head above the surface at the top of the vagina, when in fact it is a much larger organ that wraps around the vagina and urethra. Extending down and back from the clitoris head is a mass of erectile tissue called the “bulbs” filled with nerve endings which swell with blood and extend back inside the body, connecting to other organs including the rectum and anus. With anal insertion, take your time and learn what feels good and what doesn’t. This isn’t a race, slow down if you are feeling vulnerable or overwhelmed. Breath and relax, and if it still hurts then don’t do it. Choose your object carefully, nothing with sharp edges should go anywhere near the anus, including fingernails, which should be short, rounded and smooth. Lube, lube, lube it all up! The more lube the better since, unlike the vagina, the anus doesn’t make its own lubricant.
There is a chance you might lose one of your toys up there, which is why whatever you use should have a wider flared base or handle on the end to hold on to. This will perform two functions; it won’t be able to accidentally slip up into someone and it will give you something to hold on to when removing it. The vagina is a dead end but the rectum isn’t and there is a deeper place for lost objects to go.
If you lose something in the ass that will not cause damage by scraping the inner lining of the rectum, such as ass balls or a dildo without a pair of “balls,” remember that the ass is designed to eliminate solid or semi solid objects. In a panic, perhaps caused by losing an object in the ass, the human nervous system tends to shut down peripheral functions, such as bowel movement, causing the sphincter muscles to tighten. To help alleviate this problem, try to reassure the person containing the lost object, thereby switching those functions back on. What goes up normally comes down. However if something breaks while in the ass, we recommend that you leave the task to the Emergency Dept of your local hospital.
—Trevor Jacques, On the Safe Edge: A Manual for SM Play
How to untie your lover
1 Don't make the initial knot so complex that it tightens down when he struggles. A simple knot tied twice should work.
2 Find the tightest part of the knot and work it free.
3 Once you get the knot loose, pull the tails back through the loops.
4 Let him take his time moving his own hands or limbs.
5 Reassure him that he has done really well.
6 While he is cuddling in your lap, quietly straighten your rope and set it aside for later.
When playing with the ass, use a toy with a flared base to stop it getting lost in there.
Clamps
Oh fun! Clothespins or metal nipple clamps, even chopsticks wrapped with rubber bands on the ends can make whatever’s sticking out VERY sensitive. A clamp pinches the skin and pushes the blood away from it. When the clamp is removed the blood rushes back in and causes an intense sensation. The longer it is left on the more intense that sensation is going to be. However you should never leave the clamps on long enough for the nipple or skin to turn purple. Purple = bad. Conversely snakebite kits or a bell kit are the oppo
site of a clamp—they cause blood to be pulled in forcefully to the skin and engorge the nipples or clitoris or whatever else you have trapped in there. The skin will become even more sensitive to touch. Again, the color purple is a bad sign—alleviate the clamp or suction device before it gets to that point.
Sometimes you just want to be told you’re a bad girl and get spanked silly.
Kinky sex increases the chances for heightened awareness and heightened risk in your sex life. As we have seen there are many issues to keep in mind when playing. Some people like to engage in much more extreme forms of kinky sex and for them I suggest they find an expert who is actively engaged in those activities who is willing to teach them. Play hard but play safe. Use your common sense and good judgment, for you are ultimately responsible for your own health and safety and that of your partners.