by Lee Kilraine
The trail led into the mature hardwood forest populated with chestnut oaks giving way to pines, red maples, and beech trees. Felled trees lay like old noble soldiers along the forest floor. But that was the way of a forest, and the next layer was already sprouting up in its place. Life’s cycle. A forest’s rebirth and regeneration. Walking through it gave him hope that he, too, could be reborn, recreating his new life from the depths of that day. And find a way to make it a fertile, vibrant thing again.
The higher he climbed, the more scraggly pines and rhododendron he passed. Inhaling a lungful of fresh air, he felt energy flow through his body. It was the renewal he’d needed and was counting on. He hitched up his backpack and picked up speed. He should hit his first rest point in four hours and stop there to stretch and refuel before continuing on. If all went according to plan, he’d be so exhausted after today, he’d crash and sleep the sleep of the innocent. No dreams. No visits from passive-aggressive poker-playing old friends who refused to tell you why they wouldn’t leave you alone. No hot pixies either. Nope, none of that tonight.
* * *
The next morning he woke in a crappy mood. As exhausted as he’d been when he’d rolled out his sleeping bag, he hadn’t crashed into sleep as he’d planned. Definitely not the sleep of innocents, because Lu had slipped into his dreams and they’d done hot, dirty things to each other in every position he could have imagined. The dreams left him twitchy and restless and tense. He downed a handful of granola and a power bar. He didn’t even bother to attempt to brew coffee. Instead, he ate a spoon of instant coffee and washed it down with bottled water. It tasted like crap, but that suited him just fine.
He packed up, leaving the space as if he’d never been there. After checking his map and compass, he set off. His legs and shoulders were comfortably sore from yesterday. The soreness would ease quickly with the day’s hike. Today he was hiking along the ridgeline for a few hours before taking the trail at Indigo Gap, which followed along Shimmer Creek. The trail led into a field, once a logging camp and now utilized as a campground. He’d camp there for the night, unless there were other people around. In that case, he’d move a bit farther down the trail, but the overcast skies and wind told him he’d probably have the field to himself.
He tried to keep his head clear, but without the steep climb and having to watch his footing as carefully today, thoughts of Lu kept popping into it. For the first time in a long time he realized this wasn’t about sex. Well, not only about sex. He liked being around her.
She was gutsy and fun. Sensitive and silly. Sure she’d talk his ear off, and there was her off-key singing to put up with, but she also was sweet and bent. She was a gamer—not afraid to try new things or get dirty doing them. Kind of the way their sex went too.
He couldn’t stop the smile that twisted on his lips because he had to give Lu credit. Buying the cabin out from under him was a damn sneaky and flat-out gusty move. He’d be very impressed if it hadn’t been his cabin.
Yes, she’d lied to him, but now that he knew why, he got it. It wasn’t hard to figure out. She blamed him for Joey’s death. Hell, he’d blamed himself off and on over the years too. It was when he started thinking of where he and Lu went from here that everything got jumbled up again.
There was a lot of risk involved. Lu had risked with love once before and might not want to open herself up to that again. He’d had to maintain tight control in order to get his life back and he didn’t know if he could let go enough to risk. He might suck at committed relationships—only he didn’t know because he’d never tried one. She might never stop blaming him for Joey’s death.
Aw, fuck it. Sorting through his mental crap was like trying to eat a soup sandwich: messy and damn near impossible. His jumbled thoughts needed another day of pushing his body to its limits. He stopped to check his map. Two miles up ahead was his connection onto a north-south running trail. Running with his backpack uphill? Exactly the challenge he was looking for. The trail cut south and across to the east edge of the park, within spitting distance of Lu’s cabin.
The thought of Lu and the cabin had him grinning as he folded the map back up and stowed it away. Thirty minutes into running up the trail the clouds overhead finally let loose. He’d hiked through worse many times. With the weather working against him, he was careful to keep checking for tree roots and rocks on the rain-slickened path. Even with the steady rain, he kept up a killer running pace.
When he arrived at the trailhead where it widened into a small clearing, Tynan stopped to refuel and reorient. He downed two bottles of water as he looked around. To the left of the clearing was a trail heading west, back into the heart of the parkland, and directly to his right was a fifteen-foot drop down to a creek bed. He knew this spot. When he was a kid he’d come to this very spot to catch salamanders. It was only a mile or two from the cabin. Stowing his water bottles in his pack, he was about to set off when a loud clap of thunder directly overhead startled the hell out of him. But that turned out to be nothing compared to the scare he got when a black bear barreled out of the forest into the clearing only thirty feet away. Aw, shit.
The thunder must have startled it too. Or he had. Dammit, he’d been so focused on pushing himself, he’d forgotten to make a little noise. The good news was, black bears were pretty timid and would most likely run away from humans. The bad news was, it was looking too late for that now.
Crap. His heartbeat was firing away, just as it used to when they heard a sound out on night patrol. Stay calm. He’d run across a bear or two before, during his years of hiking and camping. Just never this damn close. There was also the small logistical problem that behind him was a fifteen-foot drop. He had no clear escape route. It was him versus the bear.
The two of them stood staring at each other, sizing each other up. Maybe it was the shock and fear, but Tynan’s first thought, after Aw, shit was how gorgeous the animal was. And powerful. That thought was cut off at the knees when the beast clacked its teeth and blew a loud, blustery exhale, both warning signs the bear was stressed. Not good.
Dammit, he couldn’t remember what he was supposed to—ah, got it. Stand your ground. Make noise. Create a commotion. Look large. Fight back. Do not run. Never climb a nearby tree.
“Hey, bear! Go away!” He lifted his shoulders and waved his hands around in the air, swinging his walking stick wildly. “Ya! Go!”
The bear swung his head back and forth, like it was getting more annoyed. The clicking, popping noise it made with its jaws got louder.
“Hey! You should be gone already, bear!” Unless careless campers had been leaving enough food or trash around that it knew where there were humans, there was food.
When he realized the bear wasn’t scaring easily, a calm settled over him, just as it used to in battle. His heart rate slowed and his muscles tensed, ready to move. He squinted his eyes to keep some of the rain out.
“I’ve got news for you, bear . . . if bad guys with rocket-propelled grenades and IEDs didn’t kill me, I will be goddamned if you will.” He swung his backpack off one shoulder and swung it around in front of him. Keeping the stick waving in one hand, he opened the zipper and grabbed out his handgun. “I have people who love me, and I actually have a lady who pisses me off on a regular basis who I’ve decided—just this very second, thanks to your very big teeth—to proposition, so you need to leave. Now.”
The bear bluffed a charge and Tynan’s heart fell somewhere down into his knees. He didn’t want to throw the stick at the bear in case he missed and then was short a weapon.
“Look, bear, I don’t want to shoot you any more than you want to eat me.” Tynan spoke in a loud, firm voice while he waved the stick in one hand and prepared to shoot with his other. “But if it comes down to you or me, I swear to God I will fight you like a crazy motherfucker to ensure I’m the one to walk away. So save us both the damn trouble and walk away now!”
He didn’t want to shoot the bear, but he also didn’t want to fire a warning
shot and lose his one chance to get out of this unscathed. If he had to fire the gun, he was aiming right at the bear’s skull.
The rain intensified and a second boom of thunder, louder than the first, exploded in the air above them, causing them both to move. Tynan jumped and the earth, soggy with rain, crumbled out from under his feet and he tumbled backward and down, hitting and scraping over rocks and mud. He landed in a contorted heap, unable to breathe and his heart nearly pounding clear out of his chest. Shit. Lifting his head, he riveted his gaze on the ledge above him, his body tensed and waiting for the bear to come charging down after him.
Chapter Twenty-two
Lu lay curled up into a tight ball with her pain. She had a vague memory of being guided from the diner while sobs wracked through her body, Joe’s letter clutched in her numb fingers. Agatha and Beatrice had settled her in her room and she’d been hibernating in bed ever since.
She’d been in this space before. When the earth no longer revolved between night and day but between pain and oblivion. It was the only escape from the new round of grief. But worse than the grief was the heavy weight of guilt that stabbed at her. The feeling of being unfaithful left a bruise on her heart. When she tried to wrap herself in the memory of Joe’s arms around her . . . Joe’s lips on hers . . . Joe’s voice whispering against her neck . . . Oh, God, he wasn’t there.
Instead, it was Tynan’s hard arms she felt wrapped around her. His lips burning a path down her neck. It was Tynan’s deep voice that made her go weak at the knees and quiver with longing. And now she’d lost him too.
She rolled over with a groan and released a muffled scream into her pillow.
“That will be about enough, young lady. You’ve got a job to go to.”
Lu lifted the corner of the pillow, peeking into the dim room with one eye as Agatha marched into the room and over to the windows. She threw open the curtains on both windows before turning to glower at her. Lu sat up, squinting at her as her eyes adjusted to the light.
“We went with Beatrice’s plan, thinking you just needed a good cry. But seeing as how that was three days ago, today we’re going with my plan—some tough love.”
“Three days? I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I just—” She fell back down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Three days? Yesterday had been November 21. “I just can’t.”
“You can and you will. I refuse to watch you mope for one more minute.” Agatha moved until she was peering down over her. “Good lord, you’re a mess.”
“I’m an ugly crier.” Lu rubbed her hands over her face. It felt dry and itchy from her tears.
Agatha nodded. “Looks like it. Into the shower now, or I’ll toss you in and scrub you myself.”
Lu sighed and sat up, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. It felt like she was moving through Jell-O. Every limb and joint was stiff and moving in slow motion.
“Okay, ready to stand?” Agatha reached down for her hands and pulled her until she was standing, although it was a bit precarious. She shooed her into the bathroom. “Come out to the kitchen once you’ve cleaned yourself up. We’ve got fresh coffee for you.”
One look in the mirror and she wanted to crawl back into bed. Her eyes were so swollen they barely opened to half their normal size. Her hair, matted and tangled, lay smooshed to her head on one side and sticking out like a spiky cactus on the other. Ugh; she caught a whiff of herself and hid her nose up against her flannel pajama top.
Under the hot spray, she focused her mind on counting the tiles on the shower wall while the water rained down over her like sharp needles on her skin. She shaved her legs, shampooed her hair, and slathered on extra detangler before scrubbing every inch of her skin with rough, shaky hands. Too bad there wasn’t an easy way to wash away pain and guilt.
It took five minutes to comb all the tangles out of her hair. Apparently, crying for three days sucked the moisture right out of you, so she took time to smooth some vanilla-scented lotion into her skin. She put on a pair of old jeans and a comfortable, oversized sweater and headed back into life. Not because she felt ready but because she was afraid of what Agatha would do if she had to come get her a second time.
Beatrice popped up out of her chair when Lu entered the kitchen and rushed to pour her a cup of coffee. She flitted around the room, setting out milk and sugar and napkins. Agatha stood at the stove, scrambling eggs in a cast-iron pan. She looked over her shoulder at Lu, nodding once before turning back to her cooking.
Lu lifted the coffee with a shaking hand and took a much-needed sip. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry to have flaked out like that. You know, I left home because I was a burden to my family and friends. I came to Climax looking for answers, so I could change . . . and here I am, back in the same place.”
Agatha slid a plate of scrambled eggs, bacon, and half a grapefruit in front of her. Her stomach roiled at the thought of eating. She sat back, shaking her head. “Yeah, I don’t think I’m hungry.”
“Eat it anyway.”
Beatrice tutted and fluttered near the sink. “Agatha, please.”
“Please what? Baby the poor girl even more until she’s curled up in the corner for another three years?” Agatha sat in the chair next to Lu and raised an eyebrow at her. “No. Enough of that, right, Lu?”
She stared at Agatha for a moment. Agatha didn’t look at her with pity the way folks at home still did. No, there was no pity there. But confidence. She expected Lu to handle this, and darn it, she needed that. It was too easy to accept everyone’s sorrow and live down to their excuses for her. It wasn’t their fault. It was hers.
Agatha was right; it was enough of that. She pulled the plate of eggs toward her and started eating and didn’t stop until the plate was empty. “Thank you. For the eggs and the kick in the behind.”
Beatrice leaned on the table to rise and fetch more coffee, but Lu patted her hand and jumped up instead. “I’ve got it.”
Lu sipped at her second cup and let the quiet sooth over her until Agatha stood up from the table, retrieving something from her purse. Joe’s letter. Agatha slid the white envelope onto the table.
Oh boy. Her eyes slammed shut and she clenched her fists tight in her lap. What were the odds? That she’d hear from Joe three years after his death just when she’d found a man she could care about? A man she could see maybe even growing to love? Why did her timing always suck?
“Ignoring the letter won’t make it go away.” Agatha’s voice had a strength Lu could cling to.
“I know. I know.” She opened her eyes and stared at the letter. She reached out a shaking hand and picked up the envelope. Her breath stuck in her throat until she forced herself to inhale and exhale. It felt surreal to see Joe’s handwriting again after so long. To think Joe’s hands had been the last to hold it—no, that wasn’t right. Tynan’s hands had been the last to hold it.
“Lu?”
She slid her finger under the back flap and lifted it carefully free. Her hands shook so much, she almost dropped the letter twice before getting it out of the envelope. She sucked in a fortifying breath of air and unfolded the soft, yellowed sheet of paper.
My Dearest Stanley . . .
Lu’s hands shook so badly she couldn’t read the words, especially not through the damp tears that gathered and blinded her. She held it out to Agatha. “I can’t hold it still enough. Will you read it?”
Agatha took the letter, cleared her throat, and read....
My Dearest Stanley,
It breaks my heart that you’re reading this, baby. It means I won’t get to see your beautiful smile again. At least not for a long, long time, I hope. I hate that we don’t get to spend the rest of our lives together, like we’d planned. It would have been sweet. So, so sweet. You make me so happy. I can’t imagine going through life without you.
But I’m going to do something real selfish here, Stanley. I’m going to ask you to do just that. And, worse, I’m going to ask you to have a hell of a life. I won’t settle for an
ything less.
I want you to live a life filled with so much laughter, happiness, and love. Yes, Stanley, love. I know we said we were the love of each other’s lives—and goddammit, I believe that. But there’s something else I believe that I never mentioned, because I never thought it would matter. We always said we had a once-in-a-lifetime love, baby. And I still believe that; I do. It’s just that someone had other plans for us. I also believe this world has an infinite supply of love—if you open yourself up to it.
And when the right man comes into your life, if you aren’t still crying over my goofy picture, you’ll look up and find him. So stop crying now, baby. Chin up.
Oh, God, baby, if I had to pick anyone in this entire world to look over you, it would be Sergeant Cates. So if you need anything—look him up. He’ll help. He’s a man whose integrity is stronger than his ego. He’s a man of true conviction. And although he tries to hide it, he’s got a big heart. He’ll deny it, but ask him to tell you about the strays he took care of over here in Afghanistan—both human and canine.
So, if I know you, and oh, baby, I do, you’re going to miss me for a long while, and that’s fine, because I’m going to miss you like hell too. But you’ll drag it out too long, and baby, I don’t want you to do that. I will always love you. Know that. It’s okay for you to love me always too. But you have a big heart, Lu, and there’s room in there to love again. Another big, wonderful, deep, abiding love. Because that’s what you do. You love with everything you’ve got. So go be happy. And remember . . . It’s all good, Stanley. It’s all good.