I turn all the radiators back on and, wrapping myself in my thickest, longest cardigan, I curl up on the sofa and stare at the picture of Kieren on my phone. He looks happy enough, but that witch’s hand on his shoulder, like a claw, is sending a clear message: she doesn’t care what happens to her son, it’s more important to her that Johnny is out of prison.
Across the room I notice a full bottle of gin on the bookshelf. It’s not mine; I never leave anything in communal places since my USB stick was taken, and I’ve never known Alison to drink. Confused, I decide to question her about it later.
My phone beeps again and this time I’m not so quick to check it, expecting it to be another picture of Kieren, or at least an abusive message from Liv.
But it’s Zach. And he’s telling me he’s outside my flat.
‘What are you doing here?’ I ask, opening the door to him. Under any other circumstances I’d be pleased to see him – no, more than pleased – but not after the way he’s been giving me the cold shoulder since he took me to the police station.
‘Are you alone?’ he says, peering behind me. He seems anxious; I’ve never seen him like this before.
‘Yeah. Why? What’s going on, Zach?’ I check my watch. It’s only ten to six, so there’s at least an hour until Alison gets home for our chat.
Zach stands as still as a rock, both hands thrust into his pockets.
‘Do you want to come in, then?’ I move back to let him through, still not sure why he’s turned up like this.
‘I shouldn’t be here, I really shouldn’t. But I had to come. To… you know… check you’re okay.’
‘Then bloody come in, won’t you?’ I grab his arm and pull him inside. And once again we are no longer lecturer and student, but two people who like each other, despite the circumstances we’re in.
He laughs and frees his hands from his pockets. ‘I feel sorry for the man you end up marrying,’ he says. But there is sadness in his smile.
‘Why are you here, Zach? You’ve made it clear you don’t want anything to do with me—’
‘Of course I do. You’re my student, Josie, and that comes first. Above any personal issues I might be struggling with.’
I keep hold of his arm and lead him to the sofa. ‘Zach, you’ve got to stop talking in riddles. Tell me exactly what you mean.’
He sits down and shakes his head. ‘I don’t know, Josie. But I couldn’t let you down. You needed me earlier and I turned my back on you. I’m sorry for that, it was inexcusable. None of this is your fault. You can’t help… being you.’
‘There you go again with those bloody riddles! Please, just stop. Start talking straight. I’m a big girl, I can handle it.’
He buries his head in his hands. ‘I love my wife, Josie. I really do love her. She’s this amazing, selfless woman who is just there for everyone and anyone. I really can’t fault her. I mean, she’s a huge perfectionist and it’s a bit infuriating at times, but that’s a small thing to live with. And she’s a great mum to Freya. And Freya, well, she’s just this amazing little thing that we both created. Yeah, sure, she’s hard work, but I’ve said it before: there’s no such thing as perfection.’
It should be hard for me to hear all this, but somehow it’s not. It’s giving me a glimpse of the private Zach. The man he doesn’t want me to see. And it’s hard to feel resentment when I know his wife came before me. Plus, there’s a reason he’s here with me now, and I can’t help but feel excited by that. By him just being in my flat.
I sit on the floor and lean against the sofa. Once again the gin bottle catches my eye, but I ignore it. ‘It sounds like you’re really happy, Zach, so I don’t understand why you seem so… I don’t know. So something.’
‘Ha, look at us! We’re both writers and neither of us can find the word to sum me up.’ Zach sinks to the floor so we’re side by side. ‘Sometimes when you say things out loud it brings them to life and makes them real. Things you’ve kept in your head. I mean, they’re safe in your head, they can’t hurt anyone, but once you’ve said them, well, that’s it. Chaos. Destruction. People get hurt.’
I feel sorry for him in this moment. He was right when he said that I am free in a way he can never be. ‘How about if I say it? Then you don’t have to agree or disagree or anything, it’s just out there.’
He stares at me, obviously finding it hard to claim responsibility for any of this. But I continue anyway because it needs to be said, and it doesn’t matter who says it. ‘You’ve got feelings for me. And you’re a bit disgusted with yourself. You’re a decent man and you don’t ever want to cheat on your wife. But it’s tearing you up a bit and I just won’t go away. Even though you avoid me as much as possible, I’m still in your head and I’m not shifting. Am I right?’
Zach doesn’t respond, of course he doesn’t, but sadness darkens his eyes. He reaches over and takes my hand, giving it a brief squeeze before quickly letting go. ‘So what’s going on with your brother? I think you should tell me all about it.’
By the time I’ve finished, we’ve managed to move on from the conversation we had only moments ago – or at least we’re both pretending we have. ‘Do you really think she’d harm your brother?’ Zach says.
I tell him that he’d only have to meet Liv for a few minutes to know there’s evil inside her.
‘Can you call social services?’
‘They already know about her. Which is probably why she’s been on her best behaviour lately. But they can’t watch her all the time, can they? Anything could happen. She’ll just wait until they lose interest in her.’
Zach takes my hand but quickly drops it again. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says, looking away.
There’s no point making a big deal of his subconscious gesture. ‘You’re probably wondering why she would seem to be okay with Kieren when she couldn’t stand the sight of me.’
Zach turns to me again, probably grateful I’ve not mentioned what just happened. ‘Nothing in life surprises me,’ he says. ‘There are no limits to what people are capable of.’
‘She had Kieren when she was older, more prepared for a baby perhaps. And he’s a boy. I don’t know, but I think that’s the key thing. She can’t be jealous of him for being younger, or smarter, or prettier. And she can’t feel that he’s ruined her life when according to her, I’d already done that.’
‘Josie, you’ve told me before you don’t know who your father was, but what about Kieren’s?’
‘Liv was actually seeing him for a while. He seemed okay at first and was all right to me. And when Kieren was first born he seemed happy to be a father. But then he left, like they all did when they realised what she was like, and he never once tried to see Kieren. Not then anyway, and I don’t think he has in the last few years either. I heard he went to live in Spain, but I don’t know how true that is. Other than my old neighbour, I’m just not connected to anyone in Brighton any more, thank God. Except for Kieren. And I can’t leave him with her, Zach, I just can’t.’
‘Josie, you’ve got to be careful. Let’s both have a think about this and see what we can come up with. There’s got to be an answer.’
I don’t tell him that I’ve done little else but think about it and so far have come up with nothing. ‘Thanks, Zach,’ I say instead. ‘I know you’re putting a lot on the line to help me.’
‘I haven’t done anything wrong, Josie.’
But it sounds as though he’s trying to convince himself of that.
‘But we’re kind of involved on a personal level now, aren’t we? Isn’t that frowned upon by the uni?’
‘Yes, probably. I can’t say now that I’m just helping you with academic issues. That’s one thing, but this… I don’t know what this is. All I know is I can’t turn my back on you.’
‘You shouldn’t risk your job for me.’
He shrugs and tries to laugh, but I can tell it’s forced. ‘Sod it. If that happened there’d be even more motivation for me to finish my book.’
From out in
the hallway something clicks and I freeze. Alison must be home early, and the last thing we need is for her to find Zach here – she’ll love exploiting that.
‘What was that?’ Zach whispers, jumping up and grabbing his coat. ‘Well, I’m glad I could help,’ he says, winking. ‘Remember to hand it in on time.’
But when we head into the hallway there is no sign of Alison or anyone else. I check her room and it’s empty, as are the kitchen and bathroom.
‘Weird,’ I mutter.
‘Must have been the neighbours we heard,’ Zach says.
But I know it wasn’t. Alison was here, I’m sure of that. I don’t mention this to Zach, though, as I see him out. He doesn’t need anything more pushing him away. Though our connection is strong, our friendship is hanging by a thread.
After he leaves, I sit at the kitchen table with my laptop, researching everything I can about social services and whether or not I can push them to do anything about Liv. I’m so engrossed in the words that I barely come up for air.
And when I notice the time, it’s eight fifteen, but there’s still no sign of Alison.
Chapter Nineteen
Mia
* * *
I’m standing at the door of Zach’s parents’ home, holding the hand of someone who is not Zach. Coming here with Will makes me yearn for Zach, for my past, but I need to fight this. He’s gone. He betrayed me, and our daughter. Whatever Alison thinks did or didn’t happen, there is no denying that he was in that girl’s flat. Alone with her. That’s all that matters.
Since I saw Alison yesterday I’ve done nothing but stew over her words. I can’t decide what to do about it yet; it’s better to do nothing for now than make the wrong choice. Alison clearly needs help; I just don’t know in what way. So tonight is a welcome break from having to think of her and the mess caused by her world colliding with mine.
‘Are you all right?’ Will asks, squeezing my hand. I can tell from his words, and his eyes, that he’s desperate for me to be okay. For me not to have changed my mind about us living together. But he doesn’t need to worry. I am in this for keeps… just as I was supposed to be with Zach.
‘More to the point, Will, are you okay? I know how weird this must be for you, too.’
‘It is weird, definitely. But a good weird. A step in the right direction for us,’ he says, still clasping my hand. ‘Are we still going to tell them about us moving in together?’
‘I don’t see why not. Freya knows now so it’s not fair to keep it from them. She’s so excited about it she could easily blurt it out when she sees them next and that wouldn’t be fair. They need to hear it from me.’
We all thought it best if Freya stayed at her friend Megan’s house tonight, just so Graham and Pam could have a chance to get to know Will properly. Freya was only too happy to agree to an evening of pizza and chips, and probably ice cream, with her best friend.
‘Right, let’s do this,’ Will says, taking a deep breath before he rings the bell.
Pam and Graham answer the door together, with huge smiles and tight hugs for both of us, and I can see Will is immediately put at ease. They are amazingly strong people to react in this way to what some might consider their son’s replacement.
‘We feel like we know you already.’ Pam takes Will’s arm and leads him through to the dining room. ‘You’ve got a long drive home so dinner’s practically ready. I just need a minute to get it served up.’
‘Thank you,’ Will says. ‘Whatever it is smells delicious.’
Pam beams at his compliment and hurries off to the kitchen, and as Graham fills glasses with wine, Will winks at me, showing me that he will be okay tonight.
Even though it’s a Wednesday night, Pam has made a huge roast dinner – enough to feed at least four more people. ‘Better to have too much than too little,’ she says, as she puts the heavily laden plates in front of us. ‘Besides, it won’t go to waste, Graham and I can have the rest tomorrow for lunch.’
Graham rolls his eyes. ‘But we never do, do we? You always end up wanting to cook something else from scratch.’ His tone is affectionate; this banter is the norm for these two. Zach used to admire the relationship the two of them have, how they can disagree about anything and everything but it never gets between them, never changes how they feel about each other. Solid, like a fortress, he used to say.
‘Well, cooking keeps me busy,’ Pam says. ‘It’s… good for me.’ Her eyes glass over.
Over dinner, Pam fires questions at Will, even though I’ve already told her the answers to most of what she’s asking. ‘So you’ve never been married?’
Will doesn’t seem to mind being asked such a personal question. ‘Nope. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against it, and I’ve had a few long-term relationships, but it just never felt right.’ His eyes flick to me, and I offer him an apologetic smile. ‘I don’t know, is it weird that at thirty-four I’ve never been married?’
Pam chuckles. ‘Oh no, not at all – at least not these days. People are too busy with their careers, I suppose.’
‘Guilty!’ Will says, reaching for my hand. ‘But I’m trying to change that.’
When we’ve all finished eating, both the men managing to clear their plates, Will glances at me and I know it’s that time. I clear my throat. ‘We’ve got something to tell you both.’
Pam’s eyes widen, and I realise she might think this is a pregnancy announcement. I can’t let her think that – it would break her heart, I’m sure, even though she would also be happy for me.
‘Will and I are moving in together,’ I say, as quickly as I can get the words out.
‘Oh, that’s wonderful!’ Pam says, raising her glass.
We all follow suit, and I glance at Graham, just to check he’s okay too, and I’m pleased to see a wide smile plastered on his face, as he toasts with one hand and pats Will on the arm with the other.
‘Where will you live?’ Pam asks.
‘We’ll sell both our properties and find somewhere new,’ I say. ‘It might take some time but it’s quite exciting.’
‘Well, we’re thrilled for you,’ Graham says, taking another sip of wine.
‘I take it Freya knows?’ Pam asks.
Will answers this time, and I’m glad he feels comfortable enough to answer questions about Freya. ‘Yes, we told her earlier today and luckily she’s really excited about it.’
Pam nods slowly. ‘Of course she is.’ Her eyes drop to her plate and she swirls food around with her fork. ‘But then I suppose because she doesn’t remember Zach it won’t be strange or hard for her.’ She looks at me and I’m surprised that the warmth has gone from her eyes. ‘Oh, sorry, you two, just ignore me. It’s all just very emotional. I really am pleased for you.’
‘Of course it’s emotional for you,’ Will says, reaching over and placing his hand on her arm. ‘But I will never pretend to be her father and she’ll always know about Zach. We’ll keep his memory alive for her, I promise. And I want you to know that I’m not trying to take his place in any way.’
But it will only ever be the good parts. Freya will only ever hear what a good father Zach was to her. I made that promise to myself when he died and I will never break it.
After we’ve all had coffee, Will helps Pam clear up while I stay with Graham. He’s always been a quiet man, but tonight he’s had a couple of glasses of wine so is more relaxed than normal. I stuck to fruit juice tonight because I wanted Will to be able to enjoy himself, so I am the designated driver.
‘He’s a nice fellow,’ Graham says. ‘Funny, but I reckon Zach would have liked him. I can almost see the two of them chatting, having a drink together.’
It’s difficult when death means you end up in the arms of someone else. If I had known Zach and Will at the same time there is no doubt I would still have fallen for, and married, Zach. But strangely that doesn’t make my feelings for Will any less than they were for Zach. Different, of course, very different, but fate has brought us together, determined th
at he is the one I should be with, not Zach.
‘That’s a serious face,’ Graham says, and I realise I haven’t responded to his comment.
‘I think you’re right,’ I say. ‘They probably would have got along.’ They have something in common, after all – they both chose to be with me. ‘Will’s great. And he loves Freya. I’m just so blessed to have this second chance.’
‘You’ll all be fine,’ Graham says. ‘Life goes on, doesn’t it, and you can’t stop living it. Especially when you’ve got little Freya to think of. Thanks for bringing him here. And telling us. You didn’t have to. By any account it’s not really our business.’
I lean across and give him a hug. ‘Freya is your business, Graham, and that means Will and I are too. Don’t you forget that.’
He squeezes my shoulder. ‘Well, he’s a good man, like I said, and seems trustworthy, so you’ve both got my blessing. Not that you needed it.’
‘Graham,’ I say, slowly, ‘how do you know when you can trust someone? Are we supposed to just give people the benefit of the doubt until something proves otherwise, or is it the other way around?’
He smiles wryly. ‘You sound like Zach. Let me think about that for a second.’ He takes a sip of wine. ‘I think you have to trust your instincts. They never usually steer us wrong. Why, are you saying you’re worried about Will? Because he doesn’t—’
‘No, it’s not Will, just a client. I can’t say anything more than that but I find her a bit strange – I just don’t know what to make of her.’
‘I would have thought you’d be used to difficult or unusual people in your line of work.’
‘That’s not exactly true. For the most part my clients are just everyday people who need a little help with something they’re wrestling with. I’m not a psychiatrist so I don’t see people with severe mental health difficulties. I’m not qualified for that.’
‘No,’ Graham says, ‘but you must have met some people you just can’t click with. Can’t understand.’
His words echo through my head and now I know what I have to do. I don’t understand Alison and what she’s trying to achieve. And until I do, nothing will be laid to rest.
Silent Lies: A gripping psychological thriller Page 16